Exposed: A Novel (30 page)

Chapter 72
Taylor

I stayed in the hospital for one day after I gave birth. And Layla never, ever left my side. Not even for any of her tests. She even slept on my chest, all cuddled with me in bed. One of the nighttime nurses came in to check on something, looked at us and said, “You’re not supposed to do that.”

I swallowed.

“But I won’t tell anyone.” She smiled and walked away.

After Lisa came in for the final checkup and talked over some things with me, she told me Layla and I could finally leave.

I dreaded that moment.

My knees were so weak I could barely stand, so I didn’t. I sat on the bed and distracted myself by changing Layla’s diaper, which I just changed a few minutes prior. I must say, I became quite the expert for never doing it before in my life. Mothering was the only grownup thing that came sort of natural to me.

“Is someone here to pick you up?” Lisa said.

“Yes.” I lied. “My mother will be here in a few minutes.”

“Okay.” She believed me. “I’ll have one of the nurses wheel you out to wait for her.”

My stomach twisted, almost like a contraction. Guess it’s a one of those uterus-going-back-down things, I thought.

“Everything okay? Bleeding normal?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Can I hold Layla before you go?”

I handed her over and feared what the next few minutes would bring.

One of the nurses wheeled me outside of the hospital, where I saw another lady sitting in a wheelchair waiting to be picked up. My hands were full with Layla in my lap, but the other woman didn’t have a car seat or a baby anywhere around her. I wondered why she was in the labor and delivery part of the hospital.

She looked over and I noticed her eyes. The same woman from the pre-natal check up. The one who eyed me up and down and made me feel like a piece of trash. She looked even prettier. I wished I could look like that, like a woman, instead of a little girl. Again, she eyed me up and down, but this time I saw no judgment.

“My mom will be here soon,” I said to the nurse behind me.

She nodded and walked away, which is what I wanted even though I thought she’d stay. I couldn’t believe she wheeled me out without calling my “ride.” But I needed her to not care about me so I could figure out what to do next.

I looked around and saw no one. No one except the empty-handed woman who kept staring at me.

Cradling Layla in my arms, I looked up to the sky.

I know I’ve pleaded with you a thousand times before, but God—or something—if you are up there, I need you now. Please don’t drive by me again.

Chapter 73
Ally

After one long day, Jessie and I were ready to leave the hospital. We could have left earlier, but I asked to stay an extra day. I don’t know why. Maybe I didn’t want to forget the smell of the hospital or the taste of the stale air. Maybe I didn’t want to lose my only memories of my first child, my daughter.

Jessie and I, hands locked, signed papers. A birth certificate and death certificate in the same minute. Odd, to say the least. And heartbreaking to fill out the death certificate. The final stamp on the reality of my dead baby. And I didn’t want the stamp to exist, or the reality beneath the stamp.

But it did. And I stamped it. Then we called a funeral home and made arrangements and notified our parents.

The hospital staff gave us a little box with a footprint charm, a white rose, and pamphlets on what to do next and how to get through the grieving process. So tired of processes and rules and do-this-or-that’s, I threw those pamphlets away and kept the ones about making funeral arrangements. I had no idea how to go about that.

We said our goodbyes to the staff, who seemed as cold as Avelina when I held her in my arms. Not Lisa though. She didn’t smile, but she beamed with hope. I think she saw the reconnection between Jess and me.

After a ten-minute goodbye, Lisa gave me her personal cell phone number. Then she wheeled me outside. As Jessie walked away to get the car, Lisa gave me a hug, kissed my cheek and said, “You have a beautiful heart. Look ahead, not behind. And always remember her.”

I thought of Jess. And pictured Avelina’s limp fingers. I could still feel her feet in my ribs. What I would have done to hold her one more time. Her cheek, I could still feel it against my hand. And her eyes. I wished I could’ve seen them open. Just once.

“Don’t look back.” Lisa smiled and walked away. “Oh.” She turned around. “Call me anytime.”

She walked through the doors and disappeared behind darkened glass. Out of the corner of my eye I saw another woman in a wheelchair, caressing her baby girl’s face. My eyes filled up with tears again. I couldn’t wait for Jessie to get back with the car so I could get away from the happy mom and baby.

I looked closer.

I longed to hold my baby again, to see her toes wiggle to life. The young mom looked up. I recognized her gorgeous eyes. Blondie, the porn star. Envy in all shapes and sizes coursed my mind and heart. Especially the fact that she looked so skinny already.

Looking at my pouch of a belly, I held back tears. I knew I’d think of my loss every time I changed a pad or felt my uterus contract as it went back down to its normal size. How difficult it would be to go through the healing process without a baby to hold.

Jessie parked the car in front of me. Thankfully.

He spotted Blondie and sighed, then looked at me. I looked down and tried not to cry. Last person I wanted to see me cry was Blondie.

Jessie helped me out of the chair and into the car. When he walked away, I caught one last look at Blondie. She looked around, back to her baby, and back into the parking lot. Her eyes never stopped moving. Neither did her head. It moved up and down, back and forth, looking for something.

Jessie reached for my hand. “You okay?”

I turned to him, then looked over my shoulder at the pink car seat in the back. “Our baby should be in that seat.”

Jessie choked up. I squeezed his hand.

You have a beautiful heart. Look ahead, not behind.

I looked at Blondie again.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Left page, halfway down, highlighted orange with a star next to it. I looked out the window and ignored the verse.

“Huh?” Jessie said.

“Did I say something?”

“I couldn’t tell.” Jessie accelerated.

Blondie and her baby shrunk in the side mirror of our car. The verse sunk into my brain again. This time I let it go to my heart and there His purpose revealed a hope I hadn’t seen before. His purpose is greater than mine. But His purpose didn’t feel good. And I didn’t want His purpose. I wanted Avelina in her car seat. Where she belonged.

Chapter 74
Taylor

The woman got into her car to leave. I caught her staring at me through the window, then her mirror. She must’ve really hated me for the comments Gianna made.

I thought of Gianna, Naomi, Andy, Mom—who would help me?

The woman and her husband drove away. I couldn’t help but notice the Jesus fish on the back of their car. Obviously God wanted to drive by again, which proved to me one thing: He didn’t exist. At least not in my life.

The car stopped and backed up.

My eyes darted back and forth.

The woman got out and walked over to me. I pretended not to notice and held Layla tighter, thinking the crazy lady would steal my baby. But she didn’t. She stood there for a second with tears in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” she said.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

She turned around, but didn’t walk away. A few awkward seconds passed until she turned back around.

“Do you have somewhere to stay?” she asked.

“Yes. Why?”

“You seem lost, like someone forgot to pick you up.”

“Nope. I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Another tear ran down her face.

Butterflies danced in my stomach. Layla’s eyes soaked in the bright April day. Her first day outside. I looked up at the sky, then to the woman in front of me. With her hand over her mouth, she stared at Layla.

“Do you need a ride?” she asked, still watching Layla.

“No.” I glanced at the Jesus fish, then back to the woman. “I’m waiting for my mom.”

Chapter 75
Ally

It was the hardest thing I ever did—more difficult than forgiving Jessie, more difficult than getting my bachelors degree, more difficult than giving birth to my strangled Avelina. When I stood there convincing a porn star to get into my car and put her baby in the seat meant for my daughter, my knees where shaking, but my heart came back. It came back because I knew that without my empty seat, I wouldn’t have been able to help this girl.

But I did it.

And she refused. She looked me right in the eyes and said, “No, I’m waiting for my mom,” but I knew she lied. And I couldn’t handle a lie. So, I left the girl and her beautiful baby girl. Jessie welcomed me back into the car. His eyebrows pointed toward his nose. But I didn’t have the energy to explain.

“Let’s go. I’m so tired.”

We drove off. Jessie held my hand. And the pink car seat in the back sat alone. Empty. I wanted to throw it out of the car. God, this isn’t fair, I screamed inside.

“Are you okay?” Jessie said.

I shook my head and tasted my tears.

Jessie parked. “It’s the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.”

I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t look at him. I wanted to turn around and find Avelina’s body. Her skin, her hair—I needed to touch her one more time.

The bible verse rang in my heart again, like an unsolicited salesperson. I didn’t want to hear it. Not now.

“How will I ever get over this?” I said.

“You won’t. You don’t need to.” He brushed my tear-soaked hair behind my ear. “You’ll always miss her. We just need to live for her.”

Blondie’s face flashed in my mind. Her baby, so alive, squeezed my heart. I left them. Just like that.

I dried my face. “Maybe we should give that girl a ride.”

“Who is she?”

“A porn star.”

Jessie backed away. He looked out the window, then back to me. “A porn star?” The word didn’t hurt me, like it did before. Porn. Something about it seemed different. I just didn’t know what.

“Yes,” I said. “I saw her with a friend. They were at a prenatal appointment. Her friend told her to get an abortion. Mentioned something about the porn stuff. I can’t remember.”

He shook his head. If he shook enough times, maybe he’d realize he wasn’t dreaming. Maybe I would, too. Peering between us, Jessie saw the car seat. I didn’t want him to say anything. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

“It’s up to you. If you want to go back, we will.”

“We can at least give you a ride to your mom,” I said, looking at the girl’s baby, hoping the porn star would say no. She ignored me. I analyzed her features. She seemed so young. Like a kid playing house. “You can’t just sit here. What if your mom doesn’t come?”

“My mom doesn’t talk to me.”

“Well, who is picking you up?”

“Why should I tell you? Why do you care about me?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I swallowed. “This isn’t easy for me.”

“Why are you doing it?”

“I don’t know. It’s not about me right now. It’s about you. And we need to get you and your baby”—my voice shook—“somewhere safe and warm.”

“I am warm. And I have nowhere to go.” The girl looked down. “I have no one but Layla.”

“What’s your name?”

She looked at my eyes. “Why?”

“I’m trying to help you. I just want to know your name.”

“Jane.”

“Well, Jane. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Allyson, but you can call me Ally.”

She nodded.

“Will you come with us? We can figure something out at our place. And I’ll give you some money if you need it.”

Jane kissed her little girl’s forehead and stood. “I don’t know about this.”

She hesitated, but I assured her with my eyes. She inched toward me, then followed me toward the car. I helped her into the back seat and watched her buckle her baby into the car seat. Before she got to the second buckle, I walked around the car. My Avelina should’ve been in her seat. But I saw the purpose of everything. The good amidst the pain. Without my tragedy, Jane wouldn’t have had anywhere to go. My empty seat gave her another chance.

It still hurt. Wounds and cuts and blisters always hurt, but somehow when you see the purpose behind it you can get through it, sort of like a healthy childbirth, although I didn’t know from experience.

When we all settled into the car and drove off, I turned around to look at the girls in the backseat. Not at all what I imagined the day to look like. I should have been in the backseat mesmerized with my own daughter.

Jessie wiped his face and sniffed.

“This is my husband, Jessie,” I said.

“Why do you have a car seat in here, but no baby?” Jane said.

“We lost our baby. She had the chord wrapped around her neck and died before she was born.” I didn’t look behind me. Didn’t want to see her face as I told her the truth. “But without our pain, yours would’ve been worse.”

“Oh, please don’t say that, I don’t want to be the cause of your pain.”

“No, no,” I said. “You’re not.”