Exposed (Free Falling) (39 page)

I shot him a look. “Okay, yeah
.  I don’t feel like discussing my relationship
with you,”
I amended since he already knew the truth anyway.

I could feel my frustration rising out of control and was just getting ready to excuse myself when he took a deep breath beside me. 

“Well…since you prefer to keep me at arm’s length,” he continued in a matter-of-fact tone, “…I suppose I’ll settle for communicating like we’re nothing more than colleagues since you’re more comfortable with that.  How’re things at the new facility?  Everything shaping up well for you?  Any personnel issues to speak of?” he rambled off.

I roll
ed my eyes.  “Work’s fine.”

Silence filled the room
again and he couldn’t help himself, almost immediately switching back to prying.

“Is it money?” h
e pushed, still not getting the fact that I didn’t want him in my business.  “Because if that’s it, I’d like to help.”

My frustration grew.  “Why
are you so interested in my life all of a sudden?”

He looked
at me and I was sure I detected a slight measure of disbelief at my accusation.  “I’ve
always
been interested in your life.”

“Yeah…okay,” I scoffed.
  “Maybe when it comes to work and how much money I bring into this company, but not about anything else.”

He was quiet and I hoped that he’d stay that way
, because I really wasn’t in the mood.  When he sighed, I braced myself.

“How long are you going to push me away?  What do I need to do to fix this?” he asked, catching me off
guard.  It wasn’t like him to make himself vulnerable to listen to peoples’ criticisms – mostly because he rarely cared what anyone thought of him anyway.  Normally, I’d have a response ready, a list of all the things he’d done wrong over the years, but given my present circumstance and the problems I’d created, I was in no place to judge.  When I didn’t speak, my father asked another question.

”Is it presumptuous of me to ask you for another chance?”

I rested my head against the seat and released a breath.  “Another chance to do what?”

To prove what a dick you can be?

“To prove that I can be a good father!  A good man!” he professed loudly.  There was an air of sincerity in his tone, but I was so used to seeing him scheme and manipulate that I wasn’t moved.  When I didn’t respond, he shook his head at my stubbornness, which I happened to inherit from him.  “I’m trying to talk to you man to man, but I see that’s not possible.  So…” he concluded, standing from his seat.

“Why now?  Why do you all of a sudden want to be better?  Being the bad guy never bothered you before.”

My statement gave my father pause and he settled back into his seat.  Instead of just firing off a cookie cutter response, he gave my question some real thought.  That caught me off guard.  “Because…” he shrugged, still weighing his words.  “… it may’ve taken me longer than it should have to realize what I lost, but my eyes are open now.”

I sighed and
folded my arms over my chest.  Thinking I already knew the answer he’d give, I asked yet another question.  “And what exactly have you lost?  Your
company
?” I scoffed.

From the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me intently when he replied,
“No, Anthony…I lost
you
.”

I didn’t respond.

The silence in the room persisted while my father ran his hand across his chin thoughtfully.  He lowered his head and the next words that he spoke came out quieter than any he’d spoken since this conversation began.  “I managed to convince myself that you understood how much I loved you because of how well I provided for you and your mother.” He cleared his throat and tried to embrace the idea of being transparent in that moment.  It wasn’t lost on me that it couldn’t have been easy for a man who’s hardwired like he is to share his emotions.  “I know now that I made a lot of mistakes with you, and…despite all that, you turned out to be a good man – one I’m proud to call my son.”

I almost thought I’d misheard him. 
Praise?  Admiration?  Those were things I’d never gotten from my father – not in recent years anyway.  However, this otherwise pleasant moment between he and I was tainted by thoughts of Kira and what I’d done.

I shook my head
as shame washed over me.  “I’m not a good man.”

He glanced at me again and I was sure he noticed that
my defenses were finally starting to come down.

“How could you think that?”
he asked.

My gaze floated out the window as I stared at nothing in particular
, wavering back and forth between trusting him and throwing my guard back up. Eventually, I gave in and decided to go with my gut.  I’d never seen him like this before and couldn’t seem to convince myself that trusting him was a bad idea.

“I
almost ended things with Kira this morning,” I confessed.

At first my father was silent while he took it all in.  “May I ask what happened?”

This was where I felt like I had to start being vague.  He’d never understood what drew Sam and me together in the past, so he certainly wouldn’t understand it now.  If I had to guess, I’d say he viewed Kira as a suitable choice for a wife, and probably also a smart business move.  Breaking down and telling him about Sam being back in the picture would just bring about an unnecessary argument, and I wasn’t in the mood.  He could claim to be a changed man all he wanted, but it’d take some time for me to believe it fully.

I looked over at my father and remembered that he was awaiting a re
sponse.  “Let’s just say things got kind of complicated.  That’s all.”

Did he buy that
?

The sound of him
chuffing a short laugh made me glance at him from the corner of my eye, not understanding what he could’ve possibly found funny about what I said. 

“Complicated,” he repeated to himself.  “Yes…relationships can definitely be that way on occasion.  Chances are, though, the two of you will work things out and be back on track sooner than you think.”

I tried to imagine it, tried to let that be enough to uplift my mood, but it didn’t work.  There was no appeal associated with the idea of moving on and pretending like the last month and a half hadn’t happened.  The truth was, I
did
run into Sam at Terrell and Maisha’s wedding; I
did
realize that I’m still in love with her.  There was no amount of reverse psychology or anything else that would make me just forget about how she makes me feel.

“But then again,” my father said, cutting into my thoughts.  “There are those who say everything happens for a reason.  Maybe these
‘complications’
were meant to be a wakeup call for you?”

I glanced over at him, but didn’t say a word.
  If he only knew who’s side he was taking by putting doubts in my head…

“This wedding’s going to sneak up on you before you know it,” he sighed.  “Are you having second thoughts?”
  His eyes were on me after asking the question.

This was uncharted territory
for us.  For one, my father was never one to deal in feelings – he’d always been the straight forward, black and white kind of guy.  However, to me, it sounded like he was suggesting that I reevaluate my situation with Kira.

“Are you happy?” he asked, amending his original question.

When I lowered my head and shrugged, he probably already had his answer.  “No,” I freely admitted, bearing my time with Sam in mind, wishing that more of
those
moments were awaiting me in the future.

“
Hm…”  He sat back and folded his hands in his lap while he thought.  “Well…any father worth his salt would tell his son that putting the wedding on hold is probably best until you sort things out.  If you’re not completely sure that – “

“At this point, I’m pretty sure the wedding is already on hold,” I cut in.  Before I continued, I looked him in his eyes and asked myself why I was getting ready to bear my soul.  The answer I got?  I was desperate to get this all off my chest and get another man’s perspective.  Perhaps just any man would do, but…deep
down, I knew I was in need of some
fatherly
advice at this very moment.  “I cheated on her – slept with another woman,” I confessed, causing my father’s mouth to drop open when I did.

“I – that wasn’t…”

“Not so proud that I’m your son
now
are you…”  I lowered my head again and wallowed in the charged silence.

He cleared his throat.  “So, uh…you told Kira this?  She’s aware of – “

“She found the evidence before I got around to telling her,” I interjected.  Thinking about how it was
supposed
to play out, I shook my head.  “I swear I was going to tell her, though.  I swear.”

The guilt in my tone was unmistakable.  Sensing it, my father put his hand on my shoulder for a few seconds and then pulled away. 

“I believe you.”

“She wants to work things out,” I added.

You could’ve heard a pin drop while the way I’d worded the statement weighed heavily on my conscience.  Apparently my father picked up on it too, because, “Do
you
want to work things out?” was his next question.

I should’ve jumped to say that I was glad to be given a seco
nd chance, a chance to prove that I was worth loving, a chance to walk down the aisle with the woman I’d been committed to for so many years, but…at the moment, all thoughts of my future with Kira brought was a sick feeling that I’d die a martyr. 

“This other woman – you love her?”

I kept my eyes trained on the table.  “I do.”

“And she loves you too, I’m assuming?”

I nodded.  “She does.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him who this mystery woman was, but, again, I didn’t feel like arguing.  Plus, if he knew I was talking about Sam, I wouldn’t be g
etting such unbiased advice.

A long sigh left my father’s mouth and I waited for him to continue.  “I could spend the rest of the day, the rest of the
week
even
,
telling you what I think you should do, but…” he looked my way when he paused.  “I have a feeling you already know where you belong.”

That summation
actually made me more restless than before.  I turned away, understanding what he was suggesting, but also knowing that I’d pledged a commitment to Kira before all this went down.

Watching me toil over the mess I’d created, my father placed his hand on my shoulder
again. “Son, all I’m trying to say is that you should do what’s going to make you happy.”  He laughed a little.  “As selfish as that may sound.”

And it did.  It sounded selfish as hell.

But more than anything…it sounded tempting.

*****

Cutting my day shorter than planned, I left work in my father’s car, headed back to the house to take advantage of the peace and quiet there.  Kira was still at work and I couldn’t think of a better time to be alone with my thoughts.  I lay there on the bed, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time.  My mind and heart had two totally different ideas about how all of this was supposed to play out and I couldn’t make heads or tails of any of it. 

I could practic
ally smell the light scent of Sam’s skin that radiates from her whether she’s wearing perfume or not.  I closed my eyes and imagined that she was lying there beside me, and we were back in that bubble that only had room for her and me.  To say that I missed her wouldn’t have sufficiently described the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It was as if she was literally a part of me, and to think of not having her again…

“Stop,” I said aloud to myse
lf, sitting up on the edge of the bed to reach for my phone.  I couldn’t keep doing the back and forth.  One minute I was prepared to do the noble thing and stay with Kira, then the next, I was ready to throw caution to the wind and fall into the abyss with the only woman I’d ever risk it all for.  It was exhausting.  In an effort to thrust myself over the thin line that separated my wants from what seemed to be the morally sound option, I decided to move forward with changing my flight, making plans to stay put in D.C. this weekend like Kira and I had already discussed. 

The number to the airport was already programmed into my phone; all I needed was a pen and paper to write down the information
once the arrangements had been made.  Sliding the drawer to my nightstand open, the automated system picked up and prompted me to select an option…but I didn’t even hear what was said.  My attention was locked in on the folded piece of paper inside the drawer with my name neatly printed on it.  Confusion and curiosity caused me to temporarily put the phone call on the back burner.  When I hung up and set my cell aside, I stared at the handwriting.  It wasn’t Kira’s, but I couldn’t understand who else could’ve put it there – it wasn’t like we had random people touring our house and chilling in our bedroom.