Exposure (9 page)

But I also knew that, if I never did unearth the darkness, I might never see the light. Literally. Because I might never be able to go outside for any period of time. I might always relapse, because I might never actually be cured.

Then again, who knew if cure was even possible, even if I did go there with the shrink? I could lay it all out, and I might still have the same problems. Which would mean that I would be extracting the darkness for no reason at all.

“So,” I said. “What is it like for you now? As far as your feelings about all that had happened?”

“Better, I guess, although you never quite get over something like that. I was close with Anton, as he was only a year older than me. I looked up to him, idolized him in a way. Even though he was doing things that were dangerous.” He didn’t elaborate on that. “I didn’t have feelings of guilt when he was murdered, though. The guilt came with my mother’s death. I always thought that I could have done something to save her. It took me years of therapy to realize that there was really nothing that I could have done. She killed herself because she couldn’t stand seeing my brother’s murder in her head, day after day.”

“What about his murderers?” I asked him.

“They were taken care of. Anyhow, there you go. The Cliff’s Notes to Asher Sloane. You looked closely and you found my demons.”

I wondered what he meant by “taken care of.” Did they go to prison? Were they murdered themselves? But I noted that Asher had no desire to elaborate on that, so I didn’t pry further.

I put my arm around him, and he hung his head. “I’m so sorry, Asher,” I said. “I know those words sound meaningless, but I wish that there was something that I could do to make things better for you.”

He shook his head. “There’s nothing. But I live every day to honor them. I live every day to honor them.”

I took a deep breath. I wasn’t honoring Nathaniel, that was for sure. I was dishonoring him by being so afraid of life. Asher’s tattooed words could certainly apply to me, because I was living and not knowing why I was alive. I certainly wasn’t benefitting anyone at all by being the way that I was. And I certainly wasn’t living, either.

“So,” he said. “I don’t really want to go into all of that so much. I just wanted you to know that I’m not a spoiled rich guy who was born with a silver spoon. And now, perhaps, you can realize that you and I are not all that different.”

I felt ashamed when he said that, though. Because, contrary to what he said, he and I were very different. He was living. He took a tragedy and made himself into a better person, in honor of them. I was doing just the opposite.

Perhaps I was finally ready to talk about what had happened.

I
had made a resolve that
, the next time Dr. Valence came to visit, I might actually talk about the incident with my little brother. She was visiting every day, and, every day, I tried to look myself in the mirror and tell myself that today would be the day that I would talk about it.

But I would just chicken out. I was able to talk around it, though. I told Dr. Valence about how my mother and sister had shunned me, and how that made me feel. I was close with both of them before Nathaniel died, but neither of them had spoken a word to me since then.

“I suppose I should contact Dr. Phil and have him straighten it all out, huh?” I said to Dr. Valence, only half-joking. I actually had considered doing just that, but knew that would be a disaster of epic proportions. Mainly because I had no desire to continue my media stardom. I had enough of that after it happened. Reporters had camped out by my door and had dug through my trash. Of course, I wasn’t home, as I was in the mental hospital. But Scarlett told me all about it when I got back into the house.

I even knew that Dr. Phil probably would have jumped at the chance to have me and my dysfunctional family on his show. I would imagine that many people in America had heard my story, because it was a big deal. A really big deal. The media had blown it up, because my story really had it all. A dead child. A negligent caretaker who was the dead child’s sister. And, the way that poor Nathaniel was killed…that was every mother’s worst nightmare.

But, in the end, I decided against trying to get on the Dr. Phil show, even though I had been desperate for my mother and sister to forgive me. Not that putting them into the media glare would have done that, but I was on the end of my tether at that point.

I eventually just gave up after both of them made it clear that they wanted nothing more to do with me.

Dr. Valence smiled softly. “Dr. Phil is not the best way for you to mend fences with your family.”

“What would be the best way?”

“Family therapy would definitely be the best way.”

“Huh,” I said. “What a fantastic idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” The sarcasm dripped from my voice. I
had
thought of that, many times before. But they both refused to see a therapist with me. You know what they say about leading a horse to water…

Dr. Valence just smiled when I said that. I wasn’t sure if she had missed the sarcasm or not. But I would imagine that it was unmistakable.

So, I was able to talk to her that day about how I felt about being abandoned by my family after what had happened. She helped me process the anger over that, but, mainly, I knew that I was still more angry with myself than with my mother and sister. They had every right to shun me, really. I probably would have done the exact same thing if I were in their situation.

By the end of the week, I think that I was starting to make some progress. Maybe. But I still wasn’t able to unearth my true feelings about what had happened to Nathaniel. I still couldn’t put into words how I was feeling about his death and my role in it.

Little did I know that, soon enough, the entire thing was going to be unearthed for me, and in the worst way possible.

T
he day
of the dinner party was upon me, and I was nervous as I could possibly be. There were going to be several close friends of Asher’s there, which was nerve-wracking enough. But there also would be Sophie, Asher’s ex-girlfriend/stalker. And she sounded like a piece of work.

Asher arrived that day at 4 PM, and dinner was going to be at 7. “I’m home early,” he said to me. “I figured that you would be nervous, so I wanted to make sure that you’re going to be up for this.”

“And if I wasn’t?”

“Then I would call the entire thing off.”

“No, Asher, that’s okay. After all, that’s why I was hired. To play my part. So, even if I were freaking out, there’s no way I would ever ask you to cancel this party.”

He put his hands on my shoulders. “I understand what you’re saying. But you don’t have to do this.”

“Oh, but I do,” I said. “It’s my end of the bargain, after all.”

He started to massage my shoulders. “Well, then let’s get ready, shall we? We’ll take a hot shower together, which should be relaxing for both of us. I need to relax, too, because I’m probably as nervous as you.”

“You are?”

“Of course. I don’t know how Sophie is going to react. Just as a warning, it might not be pretty. But I really, really, really appreciate you doing this for me.”

I felt more than apprehensive when he said this, but I tried not to show it. “Okay, then, let’s take a shower together.”

We went upstairs to his enormous bathroom. In the bathroom was a sunken tub that would easily fit four people, and Asher and I had spent some time in that tub having fun. It also had a beautifully appointed stand-up shower that was large and had two shower heads. The shower tiles were made of granite in a hunter green color, and the place was always clean, as Marguerita did an amazing job of making sure that Asher’s place was spotless.

I undressed, as did he, and both of us got into the shower. Asher took out a sponge and soaped it up, and scrubbed my body with it. This felt amazing, especially when he scrubbed my back. I put my hands on the wall and purred like a kitten as he scrubbed me. And then he started scrubbing my inner thigh, and I felt the old familiar tingle.

I soon felt his tongue on my clit. I spread my legs a little bit wider, and bent over so that he could have easier access to the area. His tongue darted inside of me for a few minutes, and I groaned in anticipation. “Oh, God, Asher, that feels amazing,” I said. “Please don’t stop.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to stop,” he said, his voice a little bit hoarse. “I have to fuck you right now.”

I heard him put a condom on his cock, and then he was immediately inside of me. There was a sense of urgency to the way that he was taking me. It was visceral, animalistic, and magnetic. With every thrust, I felt myself wanting to climb the walls. I was that excited. I gripped onto the bars that he had installed on the shower walls as he hammered me from behind. I put one of my legs up on a pedestal, and he continued to rhythmically thrust me from behind.

My heart was racing and I was feeling flush. All I could think about was the glorious way that he was fucking me, and how I was feeling yet another powerful orgasm bubble up. I started to moan, and then scream in ecstasy.

“You like this big cock inside your tight pussy?” he asked me, as he gripped my waist tighter from behind. “Do you like it just a little bit rough, CJ?” he asked as he pulled my hair and turned my head towards him.

His mouth was enveloping mine, and he was hammering me, our bodies melded together by his firm grip around my waist. His lips were devouring mine. It was almost savage the way he was taking me, yet it only excited me more. His hands found my breasts, and he folded them together while he pinched each one of my nipples. I moaned a little from the pain, but the pain of that was overcome by the sheer pleasure of what he was doing to me.

“Tell me how much you love my big cock inside of you,” CJ. “Tell me.”

“Oh, God, there are no words. I love it. I love it so much. You fill me up more than anybody has ever done.” And that was the God’s honest truth.

“Okay, CJ,” he said, in between kisses. “I’m going to keep giving it you just the way you like it.” Then he slowed down his rhythm and started to tease me. It was then that I finally had my release, and, with a groan, he did too.

Both of us were out of breath by this time. I could hear his heart pounding as his body was still pressed against me from behind. My heart was beating just as fast and just as loudly.

I hung my head. It was becoming more and more difficult to compartmentalize the sex from how I was feeling. Especially after Asher had made his confession, and I was able to see how much he and I had in common. It was as if each of our tragedies had become like an unspoken bond between the two of us. A bond that I wished could never be broken.

Of course, I also knew that was wishful thinking on my part. Asher had told me, before I moved into this place, that he would let me know if his feelings had changed. He would tell me if he had decided that he wanted a relationship after all. Thus far, he had never said a word to me about this, so, I had to assume that it was still status quo.

In other words, we were still fucking without strings attached.

Asher finally sighed and loosened his grip around my waist. “As much as I would like to go again, I think that we really need to get down to business. So, let me shampoo you up and we need to get you into your cocktail dress and shoes.”

He put some shampoo on his palm and worked his fingers through my hair with the suds. I reared back my head. I loved this almost as much as the sex, really. It was intimacy. It was caring. It felt like something that a real boyfriend or husband would do for the woman that he loved. And, for those few minutes when he was doing this, I could drift off and daydream that he and I were truly together.

I could feel that this action was getting him hard again. I soon felt his cock inside of me again, without a condom this time. It was as if he felt an urgency that he almost couldn’t control. Not that I blamed him, because I felt exactly the same way.

“Oh, CJ, I don’t what it is, but I just cannot keep my hands off of you. If only you knew what you did to me,” he said while he fucked the living shit out of me from behind again.

I did know what I did to him, because he did the same to me.

T
he hour was soon
upon us.
His friends soon would be showing, and so would Sophie. I nervously pulled on my cocktail dress, which was backless, with a halter top. I had my hair pulled up on top of my head, and I actually had on a proper pair of sling-back open-toed shoes. I usually wore very little makeup, but, for the occasion, I did put on the full face – lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow and foundation.

I examined myself in the mirror. Asher’s personal shopper certainly did a good job of finding me clothes that fit and looked good on me. Marcel had exquisite taste, and, since Asher had the money to go top dollar on everything, he brought home to me all the latest fashions from the top designers. He also brought me all kinds of things from the cosmetic counters – creams, perfume, and more makeup than I had ever owned in my entire life.

I knew the drill. Asher had to make sure that I looked the part of the blushing fiancée, which would mean that jeans and Docs were out of the question when I was around his fancy friends. I had to look wealthy, as Asher apparently exclusively dated beautiful women who were wealthy. I thought that I fell short on both accounts, but, never mind, it was what it was.

But, when I emerged from the bedroom, I was caught by surprise by Asher’s reaction to me.

He gave a low whistle as he looked me up and down appreciatively. “You do clean up well, CJ Parker,” he said. “You look stunning. Absolutely stunning.” He reached into his pocket and produced a ring. My breath caught, because it was the most beautiful ring that I had ever seen. The diamond was enormous and perfect, a princess cut set in an exquisite platinum setting. The rock itself was easily 3 carats, and it, and the band, was encrusted with hundreds of small diamonds.

I felt tears coming to my eyes, as I fervently wished that he was giving me this ring for real.

“Put this on, CJ,” he said, slipping the ring on my left hand.

With shaking hands, I slipped it on. It fit perfectly, and was surprisingly heavy.

“That looks beautiful on you,” he said.

“Thank you,” I told him. I didn’t want to say anymore. I didn’t want to tell him that I wanted this ring to be mine, and that I wanted him to have slipped it on my finger after bending down on one knee.

He put his arm around my waist and smelled my hair. “The guests are going to be here in about a half hour. I’m sorry to have to do this, because I know how much time you spent getting ready, but I have a raging hard-on right now, just looking at you. I’m going to have to fuck you before they get here.”

He pushed me into a wall and brought up my dress, while taking down my panties almost at the same time. In no time, I heard him unzipping his pants and slipping on a condom before entering me forcefully. “This has to be quick, CJ, and I’m sorry about that,” he said hoarsely. “Goddamn, why do you have to be so sexy? I don’t think that I’ve ever been this hard in my entire life.”

I just hung my head and said nothing. I moaned out loud, and he was soon kissing my lips after bringing my face around. “Sorry, CJ, but it looks like you’re going to have to reapply your lipstick,” he said, while he gently glided in and out of me while kissing me.

I took a deep breath, and he groaned and then leaned down on me while he breathed heavily in and out.

“Hmmm, Asher,” I said. “If you can’t control your libido around me, what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe we could meet up in the bathroom after drinks?”

I chuckled. “With an offer like that, what girl could say no?”

“Not you, I hope,” he said. “I’m dead serious. I don’t think that I can make it through the evening without fucking you again. You look that hot in that dress.”

He pulled out, and I smoothed my dress. I looked in one of his mirrors and realized that my hair was mussed up a little bit, and I definitely needed to re-apply my lipstick. “Excuse me,” I said. “I need to go freshen up. I won’t be a minute, though.”

“Hurry back,” he said. “Everyone’s going to be here soon.”

“Are they the type to be on time, or are they the type to be late?”

“On time, unfortunately. Besides, Marguerita is going to be here in a matter of minutes. She has to be here before the guests get here. I mean, everything is catered in, of course, but I need her to help me manage everything.”

I nodded my head and went into the bathroom.

I was actually grateful for a little quiet time in there to clear my head. I was very nervous meeting everyone. Not that I wouldn’t be able to pull off the role of the adoring fiancée. That would be all too easy for me, because I wasn’t even going to be acting.

Like it or not, I was falling for this guy.

R
ight at the
top of the hour,
everyone started arriving. There was Brent, a buddy from Yale, and he had a stunningly gorgeous brunette on his arm. Her name was Amelie, Amy for short. They were the first to arrive.

“Good to see you, buddy,” Asher said, giving Brent a hug, and kissing Amy on the cheek. “And you, Amy, you’re looking spectacular.”

“Do you really think so?” she asked, and I rolled my eyes. Of course she knew that she was drop-dead.
Don’t try to pretend differently, bitch.

They both came over to me and shook my hand. “Wow, so you’re marrying Asher, huh?” Brent asked me, as he and Amelie examined my ring. They both looked very impressed. “Talk about a whirlwind romance. I didn’t even know Asher was seeing somebody new until he called me about this party tonight.”

“Well, you know what they say. When it’s right, it’s right. No reason to try to drag it out when you meet the one,” Asher said as he took Amy’s coat and handed it to Marguerita. “Isn’t that right, CJ?”

I nodded nervously.

“CJ,” Amy said to me. “Interesting name. What do the initials stand for?”

“Actually, that was my birth name,” I lied. CJ stood for “Cordelia Jane,” and I was so embarrassed by those two names that I literally never told anyone what my real name was.

“Your birth name? Really? How interesting.” She sipped some of the martini that was just brought to her, and the look on her face said that she found me, and my alleged weird birth name, to be anything but interesting. In fact, she looked downright bored.

“Well, what can I say,” I said, being tempted to tell her that my mother was an odd sort who had a penchant for anything Shakespeare, and I was just lucky that she didn’t call me Goneril. The kids would have had a field day with a name like Goneril, that was for sure, and I just knew that I would soon be known simply as Gonorrhea. Cordelia was bad enough, I thought.

Regan wouldn’t have been such a bad name, though.

“So, how did you and Asher meet?” she asked, her blue eyes getting wide.

Asher and I had actually gone over our “meet cute” story beforehand, so I had it memorized. “Both of us went into an animal shelter to look for a new puppy. Well, neither of us got a puppy, but our eyes locked and, before we knew it, we were talking like old friends.”

She nodded her head. “Shame Asher didn’t get a puppy. I know that he’s wanted one for awhile.”

“Well, that’s okay,” I said. “We didn’t get a puppy, but we got each other.”

She touched my arm and said in a low voice. “Well, you lucked out. Sophie has told me all about Asher’s equipment.” She nodded her head. “I think that you hit the jackpot there.”

I smiled, not really sure what to say to that. Was I supposed to confirm it? Did she want me to give her TMI? It seemed like a wildly inappropriate thing to say to a woman that she had just met, but perhaps she had a few on the way over.

I looked over at Asher, who was deep in conversation with Brent over by the fireplace. I was already feeling uncomfortable around this woman, and I really needed to be with Asher. But, I felt clingy and I knew that he wanted me to mingle. So, for the moment, I was kinda stuck talking to her.