Extra Time (42 page)

‘I think you already know the answer to that.’

She couldn’t break the stare, even though she wanted to. ‘Well, we can’t always have what we want, can we?’

Still her eyes bored into his, his hand gripping her wrist, an energy fizzing between them that neither of them could explain, but they felt it. Both of them. They felt it.

‘What happens in this room, Amber, it stays in this room.’

‘Because it’s
that
easy, isn’t it?’ Amber said, finally pulling her wrist free from his grip.

He shook his head, sticking his hands back in his pockets. ‘Nobody said any of this was going to be easy.’

‘Any of
what
, Ryan? I don’t even know what we’re doing in here, where any of this came from…’ She grabbed the towel off the bed and wrapped it around herself. ‘You really need to go.’

‘I can’t,’ he said, his voice so quiet Amber had to strain to hear it. ‘I can’t leave it like this, Amber. If I walk out of this room, leaving things the way they are now, I’m never going to be able to get my head straight…’

‘No. No, don’t you
dare
stand there and blame
me
for the fact you still can’t sort yourself out. That isn’t fair. This has got nothing to do with me now, Ryan. Nothing. I can’t be there to hold your hand, not this time. And you will not make me feel responsible for the fact
you
think the only way you can sort yourself out is to leave the fucking country.’ She turned away from him, grabbing her make-up wipes from the bedside table and pushing past him, back into the bathroom. ‘You really need to go.’

He hung his head, his hands still in his pockets. ‘Is that what you really want?’

She looked at him, waiting until he lifted his head, their eyes meeting again. ‘What I
want
, Ryan, is to get some normality back into my life. I want my husband back, I want my home back…’ She trailed off, placing her hands on the edge of the sink as she looked down, a sudden feeling of loss for something she’d never actually had sweeping over her. A familiar feeling. A feeling she’d experienced so many times over the past few months. ‘I want a baby, Ryan. That’s all I really want. I want my husband, and I want his baby.’ She looked back up, his eyes still on her, the expression on his face changing as he saw the pain in her eyes. ‘I want Jim’s baby. And it’s the one thing I can’t fucking have.’

‘Oh, Jesus, Amber…’ He ran over to her and she fell into his arms, both of them sinking to the floor. The tears came out of nowhere, streaming down her face like a never-ending waterfall, a rush of emotions so strong overwhelming her she couldn’t breathe. The intensity of the sobs racking her body was making her breathless, something so raw washing over her in waves of pain so brutal she just wanted to curl up into a ball and lock herself away from the world until it all subsided. Because it would. This had happened before, and it would happen again, she just had to ride the wave and wait for it to pass.

She pulled away from him and sat back against the bathroom wall, looking up at the ceiling, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, it’s just… it comes and goes, you know? These feelings. And the drink doesn’t help.’

Ryan sat back next to her, pulling his knees up. ‘I don’t suppose I’ve helped much either. Have I?’

She didn’t reply, just looked down at her hands that were balled into tight fists. ‘It’s like there’s this huge, empty space inside me that’ll never be filled. I’ve learnt to put it away at the back of my mind, learnt to live with it…’ She looked at him, and neither of them could help smiling. ‘I haven’t really, though, have I?’

‘I never thought you wanted to be a mum that bad,’ Ryan said, reaching out to take her hand. An almost involuntary action, but one she didn’t seem to mind as she let him wrap his fingers around hers. And it felt good – just holding her hand.

Amber shrugged. ‘I don’t suppose I did. Not in the past, anyway.’

‘Did you ever think me and you…? I mean…’

She smiled again, squeezing his hand. ‘No. Not really. You don’t strike me as daddy material.’

‘Gee, thanks, babe,’ he laughed.

Amber rested her head on his shoulder, giving in to the spinning room and the tears that were still falling silently down her face. ‘We were never really in a position to even think about that kind of shift in our relationship, Ryan. I’m not saying you won’t be a great dad, though. One day.’

‘Yeah,’ he sighed. ‘Maybe.’

She looked up at him, letting him wipe away her tears with his thumb. ‘You never know, if you and Ellen can make a go of things…’

‘There
is
no me and Ellen, Amber. And I know I’ve messed up yet another relationship, but…’

‘If you’re going to end it with her just because of me, then don’t, Ryan. Please. Give it a go with her, see what happens.’

‘I can’t. I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair on her.’

‘And you think you’ve been fair on her so far?’

He squeezed her hand again, his eyes looking deep into hers. ‘I can’t be with anyone right now, Amber. I’m not strong enough. I don’t want the responsibility. That’s why I need to get away from here.’

‘To run away, you mean. Isn’t that what you’re really doing?’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. But maybe that’s what I
need
to do. And anyway, isn’t that what
you’re
doing? Aren’t you running away from things, too?’

She looked down at their joined hands, uncurling her fingers from around his but he stopped her, clinging onto her tighter, refusing to let her go.

‘Let’s make a promise, Amber. Let’s promise ourselves that we’ll have tonight – we’ll stay with each other, we’ll talk to each other, and tomorrow we’ll start putting our lives in some kind of order. How does that sound?’

She looked at him, her eyes searching his handsome face, the heat of his body warm against hers, and every alarm bell inside of her was ringing out as loud as it possibly could. But still she felt herself giving in, against all her better judgement, she could feel it happening.

‘I need to make love to you, Amber. I need that like you wouldn’t believe. But tomorrow… tomorrow we start again. I’ll be moving abroad for a while, and you’ll be here, getting on with your life.’ His fingers lightly stroked her cheek, his mouth close to hers as he spoke, and she hadn’t even realised that he’d pulled the towel she’d had wrapped around her away from her body. She was naked again, and way too close to a man who’d caused her nothing but trouble in the past. But then, couldn’t the same be said about Jim? And he was still causing her trouble now.

Pushing all thoughts of Jim to the back of her mind, she reached out and gently touched Ryan’s slightly open mouth, her eyes following her fingertips as they traced his perfect lips, putting up no fight as he pulled her astride him.

‘One more night, Amber,’ he whispered, lifting her up slightly so he could free himself, before gently lowering her back down. ‘That’s all I want. Just one more night.’

She closed her eyes, burying her face in his dark, messed-up hair as she felt him slowly push into her. And she accepted him, pushing herself down onto him, throwing her head back as he hit that spot that told her he was deep inside her now. There really was no going back.

His legs were still pulled up slightly, and she rested against them, arching her back, keeping her eyes closed – to ease the guilt? – as he covered her breasts in tiny kisses, his tongue flicking over her nipples, sending her whole body into spasms of something she couldn’t even explain, all she knew was that it felt incredible. Why did everything that was so wrong feel so good?

‘I want to look at you,’ he whispered, gently pushing her head down so her mouth was on his. ‘All of you. Inside and out, I want to look at it all.’

‘Ryan…’

He slowly pulled out of her, pushing himself up onto his feet before lifting her up, and she clung onto him, her arms around his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist as he carried her over to the bed. He lay her down gently, and she closed her eyes again, throwing her arms up above her head, stretching out and drawing her legs up, opening them wide.

‘Shit, Amber… I was one fucking idiot for letting you go.’

She couldn’t help smiling. All of a sudden that sexy side of her she’d only just discovered came rushing forward. Or maybe it was still the effect of too much alcohol. But whatever it was, all her inhibitions seemed to have disappeared. Along with any common sense she might have had left. ‘You wanted to look at me.’ She kept her eyes closed, although she badly wanted to see his expression. ‘So, come on. Look at me.’

‘Jesus Christ…’ he groaned.

He could feel his heart hammering so hard inside him it was almost distracting. He’d wanted this for so long, this chance to be with her again, to see her like this, to touch her in all those places he missed so much. And now she was here, naked and beautiful with her legs wide open, inviting him back into heaven – a brief visit, maybe, but he was going to make the most of it. He had to. Because it could be his last chance.

Grabbing a pillow, he slid it underneath her hips, raising her up slightly, giving him better access, and a better view, of somewhere he dreamed of constantly. Placing his hands on her knees, he pushed her legs even wider apart, kneeling between them, bending his head and closing his eyes as his mouth took a much-needed taste of her. Something else he’d missed – the taste of her. And she was so wet, so ready for whatever this turned out to be that he knew he had a few minutes maximum down there or he was going to come so fast he’d lose that chance to feel her properly, to live inside a woman he was still completely in love with. And inside her was the only place he wanted to be right now.

Pulling the pillow out from underneath her, he moved so he was leaning over her, his fingers slipping in between hers as he gently pushed into her, and he was staying there this time. No more false starts.

‘Ryan…’ she moaned, her fingers holding tightly onto his as her body gripped him hard, holding him there, keeping him there.

‘It’s okay,’ he whispered, his mouth touching hers as he spoke, her legs wrapping around him. ‘It’s okay.’

But was it? Was it really? One night, he’d said. One more night of being with her, of touching her, making love to her, having her want him like he constantly wanted her. One more night. But as he felt her body buck up beneath him, felt that wave of sweet release begin to wash over him, was one night really going to be enough?

Chapter Twenty

Tynebridge was packed with waiting press and media, and Amber couldn’t help but wonder how many of them actually had an inkling as to what this press conference was really about. As far as she was aware, nobody except a handful of people knew anything about Ryan Fisher’s request to be loaned out to a foreign club. And, right now, she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about it all. Part of her thought it was for the best. Being around him hadn’t been a great idea before, but now it was positively reckless. But there was another part of her that didn’t want him to go anywhere, for reasons she didn’t even want to think about.

‘How’s your head?’

She turned quickly to see Ronnie standing beside her, looking handsome and smart in a black suit, white shirt and red tie, his short dark hair slightly spiked. He looked good, but then, he always did. ‘My head’s fine, thank you.’

‘So, did you sleep with him?’

She narrowed her eyes as she stared at Ronnie, looking around to see if anyone was within earshot. The amount of people milling about in the main entrance was huge, and considering most of them were press, she really didn’t want to give them anything they could twist into something she didn’t want the world to know about. ‘Who?’

‘Oh, you know who, Amber. Don’t play dumb.’

‘I didn’t see you leave the party last night.’

‘You’re changing the subject.’

‘Because I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘Nobody saw
him
leave either.’

‘There were a lot of people there, Ronnie. It would have been pretty difficult to keep track of everyone’s entrance and exit.’

He laughed, looking down at the ground, his hands in his pockets. ‘Yeah. You really know how to try and detract from a conversation, don’t you?’

‘I told you. I don’t want to talk about it, especially not here.’

‘Why? In case your husband gets wind of the fact you fucked your ex-boyfriend the night before the press conference to announce his departure from Newcastle Red Star? That abstinence from sex didn’t last long, did it?’

‘He isn’t leaving permanently.’

‘There you go again!’

‘What?’

‘Veering off the real reason I’m trying to have this conversation with you. Did you sleep with him?’

‘Yes. Is that what you want to hear?’

‘No, Amber. Of course it isn’t what I want to fucking hear. For Christ’s sake… what the hell were you thinking?’

‘I wasn’t thinking anything, Ronnie. I was drunk.’

‘So he took advantage of you?’

‘No…’

‘Well what then? You were drunk… so…?’

She turned away, sitting down on the edge of a nearby sofa. ‘It was a mistake.’

Ronnie gave that laugh again, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘You’re telling me. After I told him…’

Amber looked up. ‘After you told him what, Ronnie?’

‘I told him to leave you alone.’

‘And you think you had a right to do that, do you?’

‘I’m your best friend, Amber. I care about you, and if I think you’re about to do something stupid…’

‘Like what happened between us?’

He looked at her. ‘That was different.’

‘How? How the hell was that different?’

‘I would never, ever hurt you,’ Ronnie hissed, moving closer to Amber so as not to make their conversation too obvious. ‘I genuinely care about you, and okay, what we did was a mistake, I accept that. But we do that sometimes, kiddo, me and you. We make that mistake, we do it and then we walk away, and even though we shouldn’t have done it at all now you’re married, it isn’t the same as you letting Ryan Fisher back into your life.’