Extraordinary Ernie & Marvellous Maud (3 page)

Ernie stared in shock. They’d accepted him.
He’d won! He felt quite dizzy with pleasure. He’d never won anything before, and he’d never been picked for a team.

‘So what are we going to call you?’ Super Whiz asked.

‘How did you all get your names?’

‘They’re based on our natural superpowers, of course. I’m a whiz in the brains department—obviously. Valiant Vera is brave and swift. Housecat Woman, well, when she was younger she was much more active; chasing, climbing, pouncing … And Amazing Desmond is, er—well the point is, what will
your
name be?’

‘I suppose that depends on what my natural superpower is,’ Ernie said. ‘What is it, by the way?’

‘Hmm, good question,’ said Super Whiz, looking Ernie up and down. ‘I have to say, nothing super springs to mind.’

‘Couldn’t you, you know,
give
me some superpowers?’

‘What, do you think we’ve just got some storeroom of superpowers behind that door?’ Super Whiz pointed to a door marked ‘Storeroom’.

‘Oh, don’t be so mean, Super,’ said Valiant Vera. ‘You know it can take a while for powers to emerge.’

‘Maybe I could use some general sort of name,’ said Ernie. ‘Just until my natural superpowers kick in. How about “Extraordinary Ernie”?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Super Whiz doubtfully. ‘It’s not exactly accurate, is it?’

‘Oh, go on, Whiz.’ The door had burst open to reveal the short, plump man Ernie had met earlier.

After a muffled conversation with someone behind him who Ernie couldn’t see, Desmond quickly pushed the door shut.

‘The kid looks all right to me,’ Amazing Desmond called out as he came over to them. ‘Surely we can stretch the truth a bit.’

Ernie looked at him gratefully, but Super Whiz gave Desmond a filthy look. ‘The only thing being stretched around here is your tights,’ he said, poking Desmond in the middle. ‘I know you don’t have super brains, strength or speed, but you could at least try to stay in shape. And I’ve told you a hundred times,’ he added through gritted teeth, ‘don’t call me Whiz.’

‘Whatever you say, Whi … I mean, Super,’ said Desmond cheerfully. ‘You know I can’t get
to the gym as much as I’d like because of my bad back. So, I take it this is our winner.’ He clapped a hand on Ernie’s shoulder warmly ‘Excellent. I saw him down at the school earlier and suggested he come along. And have I found the perfect sidekick!’

‘So what have you got for us, Desmond?’ asked Super Whiz, rubbing his hands together. ‘Something intelligent, I hope. An owl? A bit of wise counsel for our young friend here wouldn’t go astray.’

‘No!’

‘Perhaps it’s a dear little monkey?’ chimed in Valiant Vera. ‘Fast and nimble and great at getting out of tight spots …’

‘Maybe it’s a mouse?’ purred Housecat Woman. ‘A plump, juicy, tasty mouse?’

‘I know!’ said Ernie. ‘It’s a parrot! A parrot would be great.’ He imagined himself striding down the street in his superhero costume with a parrot perched on his shoulder, squawking,
‘Make way for Extraordinary Ernie’ and ‘Extraordinary Ernie to the rescue!’

‘No, no and no again!’ cried Desmond. ‘I knew you’d never guess.’

Bounding to the door he flung it open and gestured grandly. ‘Well, here she is …’

There was a long silence, which was finally broken by the strangled voice of Super Whiz.

‘Desmond, you idiot … That’s a
sheep!’

‘That’s right!’ said Desmond proudly.

There was another long silence, broken this time by the sheep herself. ‘What?’ she demanded. ‘Haven’t you ever seen a sheep before?’

‘Ah, what’s your name, dear?’ asked Valiant Vera kindly.

‘Maud,’ replied the sheep cautiously. ‘Maud?’ squawked Ernie, in the way a parrot would have done. ‘A sidekick called Maud? It doesn’t exactly sound super, does it?’

‘It was my great-aunt’s name,’ explained the sheep. ‘My dad thought that if I was named after her she’d leave me all her riches in her will.’

‘And did she?’ asked Ernie.

‘No,’ said Maud sadly. ‘Sheep don’t have wills.’

‘Oh, right. Well, who got all her riches?’

‘No one. Sheep don’t have riches either, since they don’t have jobs. That’s why I was so glad to see your advertisement for a sidekick. Right, so who’s my hero? I suppose it’s you, since you’re the only one without a costume,’ she said, looking at Ernie with a sigh. ‘He doesn’t look all that promising, does he?’ she whispered to Super Whiz loudly. She turned back to Ernie. ‘So what’s your name?’

‘Ernie.’

‘Ernie? Well, if you don’t mind my saying so, “Ernie” isn’t exactly the type of name to stop evil in its tracks either.’

‘I was named after an aunt too,’ Ernie said.

‘Really?’ asked Maud. ‘Was your aunt a man, then?’

‘No,’ mumbled Ernie, embarrassed. ‘Her name is Ernestine. She’s rich, but she’s not dead yet.’

‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ said Maud sympathetically.

‘Look, I’m terribly sorry,’ said Ernie politely, looking around at the superheroes and then at Maud, ‘but I don’t think this is going to work. It’s just that, no offence, I was hoping for, you know, a
cooler
sidekick. Like … I don’t know…’ Ernie paused. Suddenly a parrot didn’t seem all that cool either. ‘A big black dog or something.’

‘A big black dog?’ echoed Maud. ‘That just shows your lack of imagination.’

‘Or a … a … a tiger,’ said Ernie desperately. ‘After all, what can a
sheep
do?’

‘What can a sheep do?’ Maud said. ‘What can
you
do?’

Luckily, she didn’t wait for an answer.

‘I’m a fast runner,’ said Maud. She trotted briskly up and down the length of the room a couple of times, hooves clattering on the wooden floor.

Valiant Vera and Housecat Woman both nodded approvingly.

‘I can speak several languages.’

Super Whiz looked impressed.

‘And if I do say so myself, I have the gift of the gab and a large helping of charm.’

She winked at Amazing Desmond, who winked back.

They all looked at Ernie expectantly.

Ernie hesitated.

‘Oh, that’s right.’ Maud clapped a hoof to her woolly forehead. ‘You wanted cool. I’ve got just the thing.’ Maud stuck her nose into her woolly front and rummaged around for a few seconds. She emerged wearing a jaunty grin and a pair of black sunglasses. ‘Better?’

Ernie grinned back half-heartedly. He supposed being a superhero with a smart sheep for a sidekick was better than not being a superhero at all. ‘Sure.’

‘So what’s your superhero name, partner?’

‘Um, Extraordinary Ernie.’

‘Extraordinary Ernie? Oh I like that. Good, so we’ll be Extraordinary Ernie and Marvellous Maud.’

‘Well,’ said Super Whiz, ‘our new recruits might not be
everything
I would have hoped for …’

‘They’ll be fine,’ said Valiant Vera firmly. ‘Now let’s get you two kitted up.’

She opened the door to the storeroom, and Ernie stared in wonder at racks and racks of suits and tights and capes in a dazzling kaleidoscope of colours and sizes.

‘Baxter Branch used to have dozens of members,’ Vera explained, ‘so we needed lots of costumes. Take your pick.’

Ernie scanned the racks eagerly. His eyes lit on a fluorescent green one-piece suit with a gold lightning bolt running down each arm. ‘That’s a nice one,’ he said shyly.