Facing the Music (2 page)

I don't say anything when I cut the TV off. I can't speak. I'm thinking of how it was on our honeymoon, in that little room at Hattiesburg, when she bent her arms behind her back and slumped her shoulders forward, how the cups loosened and fell as the straps slid off her arms. I'm thinking that your first love is your best love, that you'll never find any better. The way she did it was like she was saying, here I am, I'm all yours, all of me, forever. Nothing's changed. She turns the light off, and we reach to find each other in the darkness like people who are blind.

Angel hear the back door slam. It Alan, in from work. She start to hide the glass and then she don't hide the glass, he got a nose like a bloodhound and gonna smell it anyway, so she just keep sitting on the couch. She gonna act like nothing happening, like everything cool. Little boy in the yard playing, he don't know nothing. He think Mama in here watching Andy Griffith. Cooking supper. She better now anyway. Just wine, beer, no whiskey, no vodka. No gin. She getting well, she gonna make it. He have to be patient with her. She trying. He no rose garden himself anyway.

She start to get up and then she don't, it better if she stay down like nothing going on. She nervous, though. She know he looking, trying to catch her messing up. He watch her like a hawk, like somebody with eyes in the back of they head. He don't miss much. He come into the room and he see her. She
smile, try to, but it wrong, she know it wrong, she guilty. He see it. He been out loading lumber or something all day long, he tired and ready for supper. But ain't no supper yet. She know all this and ain't said nothing. She scared to speak because she so guilty. But she mad over having to
feel
guilty, because some of this guilt
his
fault. Not all his fault. But some of it. Maybe half. Maybe less. This thing been going on a while. This thing nothing new.

“Hey honey,” she say.

“I done unloaded two tons of two-by-fours today,” he say.

“You poor baby,” she say. “Come on and have a little drink with Mama.” That the wrong thing to say.

“What?” he say. “You drinkin again? I done told you and told you and told you.”

“It's just wine,” she say.

“Well woman how many you done had?”

“This just my first one,” she say, but she lying. She done had five and ain't even took nothing out the deep freeze. Wind up having a turkey pot pie or something. Something don't nobody want. She can't cook while she trying to figure out what to do. Don't know what to do. Ain't gonna drink nothing at all when she get up. Worries all day about drinking, then in the evening she done worried so much over
not
drinking she starts
in
drinking. She in one of them vicious circles. She done even thought about doing away with herself, but she hate to leave her husband and her little boy alone in the world. Probably mess her little boy up for the rest of his life. She don't want to die anyway. Angel ain't but about thirty years old. She still good-looking,
too. And love her husband like God love Jesus. Ain't no answer, that's it.

“Where that bottle?” he say.

Now she gonna act like she don't know what he talking about. “What bottle?” she say.

“Hell, woman. Bottle you drinkin from. What you mean what bottle?”

She scared now, frightened of his wrath. He don't usually go off. But he go off on her drinking in a minute. He put up with anything but her drinking.

“It's in the fridge,” she say.

He run in there. She hear him open the door. He going to bust it in a million pieces. She get up and go after him, wobbly. She grabbing for doors and stuff, trying to get in there. He done took her money away, she can't have no more. He don't let her write no checks. He holding the bottle up where she can see it good. The contents of that bottle done trashed.

He say, “First glass my ass.”

“Oh, Alan,” she say. “That a old bottle.”

“Old bottle? That what you say, old bottle?”

“I found it,” she say.

“Lyin!” he say.

She shake her head no no no no no. She wanting that last drink because everything else hid.

“What you mean goin out buying some more?” he say. He got veins standing up in his neck. He mad, he madder than she ever seen him.

“Oh, Alan, please,” she say. She hate herself begging like
this. She ready to get down on her knees if she have to, though.

“I found it,” she say.

“You been to the liquor store. Come on, now,” he say. “You been to the liquor store, ain't you?”

Angel start to say something, start to scream something, but she see Randy come in from the front yard. He stop behind his daddy. Mama fixing to get down in the floor for that bottle. Daddy yelling stuff. Ain't no good time to come in. He eight year old but he know what going on. He tiptoe back out.

“Don't pour it out,” she say. “Just let me finish it and I'll quit. Start supper,” she say.

“Lie to me,” he say. “Lie to me and take money and promise. How many times you promised?”

She go to him. He put the bottle behind his back, saying, “Don't, now, baby.” He moaning, like.

“Alan
please,”
she say. She put one arm around his waist and try for that bottle. He stronger than her. It ain't fair! They stumble around in the kitchen. She trying for the bottle, he heading for the sink, she trying to get it. Done done this before. Ain't no fun no more.

He say, “I done told you what I'm goin to do.”

She say, “Just let me finish it, Alan. Don't make me beg,” she say. Ain't no way she hold him, he too strong. Lift weights three days a week. Runs. Got muscles like concrete. Know how to box but don't never hit her. She done hit him plenty with her little drunk fists, ain't hurt him, though. He turn away and start taking the cap off the bottle. She grab for it. She got both hands
on it. He trying to pull it away. She panting. He pulling the bottle away, down in the sink so he can pour it out. They going to break it. Somebody going to get cut. May be him, may be her. Don't matter who. They tugging, back and forth, up and down. Ain't nobody in they right mind.

“Let go!” she say. She know Randy hearing it. He done run away once. Ain't enough for her. Ought to be but ain't.

He jerk it away and it hit the side of the sink and break. Blood gushing out of his hand. Mixing with the wine. Blood and wine all over the sink. Don't look good. Look bad. Look like maybe somebody have to kill theirself before it all get over with. Can't keep on like this. Done gone on too long.

“Godomightydamn,” he say. Done sliced his hand wide open. It bad, she don't know how bad. Angel don't want to see. She run back to the living room for the rest of that glass. She don't drink it, he'll get it. She grab it. Pour it down. Two inches of wine. Then it all gone. She throw the glass into the mirror and everything break. Alan yell something in the kitchen and she run back in there and look. He got a bloody towel wrap around his hand. Done unloaded two tons of wood today and hospital bill gonna be more than he made. Won't take fifteen minutes. Emergency room robbery take longer than plain robbery but don't require no gun.

He shout, “This is it!” He crying and he don't cry. “Can't stand it! Sick of it!”

She sick too. He won't leave her alone. He love her. He done cut his hand wide open because of this love. He crying,
little boy terrified. He run off again, somebody liable to snatch him up and they never see him again. Ought to be enough but ain't. Ain't never enough.

She flashing back now. She done had a wreck a few weeks ago. She done went out with some friends of hern, Betty and Glynnis and Sue. She done bought clothes for Randy and towels for her mama and cowboy boots for Alan. Pretty ones. Rhino's hide and hippo's toes. She working then, she still have a job then. It a Saturday. Randy and Alan at Randy's Little League game. She think she going over later, but she never make it. She get drunk instead.

They gone have just one little drink, her and Betty and Sue and them. One little drink ain't gone hurt nothing or nobody. Betty telling about her divorce and new men she checking out. She don't give no details, though. They drinking a light white wine but Angel having a double One Fifty-One and Coke. She ain't messing around. This a few weeks ago, she ain't got time for no wine. And she drink hers off real quick and order and get another one before they even get they wines down. She think maybe they won't even notice she done had two, they all so busy listening to Betty telling about these wimps she messing with. But it ain't even interesting and they notice right away. Angel going to the game, though. She definitely going to the game. She done promised everybody in the country. Time done come where she have to be straight. She got to quit breaking these promises. She got to quit all this lying and conniving.

Then before long they start talking about leaving. She ask them to stay, say Please, ya'll just stay and have one more. But naw, they got to go. Glynnis, she claim she got this hot date tonight. She talk like she got a hot date every night. Betty got this new man she going out with and she got to roll her hair and stuff. But Sue now is true. Angel done went to high school with her. They was in school together back when they was wearing hot pants and stuff. This like a old relationship. But Sue know what going on. She just hate to say anything. She just hate to bring it out in the wide open. She got to say something, though. She wait till the rest of them go and then she speak up.

She say, “I thought you goin to the ball game, girl.” She look at her watch.

“Yeah,” Angel say. “Honey, I'm goin. I wouldn't miss it for the world. But first I got to have me some more One Fifty-One and Coke.”

Sue know she lying. She done lied to everybody about everything. This thing a problem can't keep quiet. She done had troubles at work. She done called in late, and sick, done called in and lied like a dog about her physical condition with these hungovers.

Now Angel hurting. She know Sue know the truth but too good to nag. She know Sue one good person she can depend on the rest of her life, but she know too Sue ain't putting up with her killing herself in her midst. She know Sue gone say something, but Sue don't say nothing until she finish her second wine. This after Angel ask her to have a third wine. Somebody
got to stop her. She keep on, she be asking to stay for a eighth and a ninth wine. She be asking to stay till the place close down.

So Sue say, “You gone miss that ball game, girl.”

She say she already late. She motion for another drink. Sue reach over and put her hand over Angel's glass and say, “Don't do that, girl.”

“Late already,” she say. “One more won't make no difference.”

She know her speech and stuff messed up. It embarrassing, but the barmaid, she bring the drink. And Sue reach out, put her hand over the glass and say, “Don't you give her that shit, woman.”

Girl back up and say,
“Ma'am?”
Real nice like.

“Don't you give her that,” say Sue.

Girl say, “Yes'm, but ma'am, she order it, ma'am.”

Girl look at Angel.

“Thank you, hon,” she say. She reach and take the drink and give the girl some money. Then she tip her a dollar and the girl walk away. Angel grab this drink and slosh some of it out on her. She know it but she can't help it. She don't know what went wrong. She shopping and going to the ball game and now this done happened again. She ain't making no ball game. Ball game done shot to hell. She be in perhaps two three in the morning.

Sue now, she tired of this.

“When you goin to admit it?” she say.

“Admit what?”

“Girl,
you
know. Layin drunk. Runnin around here drinkin every night. Stayin out.”

She say, “I don't know what you talkin about,” like she huffy. She drinking every day. Even Sunday. Especially Sunday. Sunday the worst because ain't nothing open. She don't hit the liquor store Saturday night she climbing the walls Sunday afternoon. She done even got drunk and listened to the services on TV Sunday morning and got all depressed and passed out before dinnertime. Then Alan and Randy have to eat them turkey pot pies again.

“Alan and Randy don't understand me,” she say.

“They love you,” Sue say.

“And I love them,” she say.

“Listen now,” Sue tell her, “you gonna lose that baby and that man if you don't stop this messin around.”

“Ain't gonna do that no such of a thing,” she say, but she know Sue right. She still pouring that rum down, she ain't slacked off. She just have to deny the truth because old truth hurt too much to face.

Sue get up, she got tears in her eye and stuff, she dabbing with Kleenexes. Can't nobody talk sense to this fool.

“Yes you will,” she say, and she leave. She ain't gone hang around and watch this self-destruction. Woman done turned into a time bomb ticking. She got to get away from here, so she run out the door. She booking home. Everybody looking.

Angel all alone now. She order two more singles and drink both of them. But she shitfaced time she drink that last one, she done been in the booth a hour and a half. Which has done
caused some men to think about hitting on her, they done seen them thin legs and stuff she got. This one wimp done even come over to the table, he just assume she lonesome and want some male company, he think he gonna come over like he Robert Goulet or somebody and just invite himself to sit down. He done seen her wedding ring, but he thinking, Man, this woman horny or something, she wouldn't be sitting here all by her lonesome. And this fool almost sit down in the booth with her, he gonna buy her a drink, talk some trash to her, when he really thinking is he gonna get her in some motel room and take her panties off. But she done recognized his act, she ain't having nothing to do with this fool. She tell him off right quick. Of course he get huffy and leave. That's fine. Ain't asked that fool to sit down with her anyway.