Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (18 page)

I’ve learned ways to recognize when my anger or fear is being triggered and to stop and think so I can respond more logically instead of just emotionally. There are ways to mentally turn down the heat generated by your emotions so that you can stay calm and in control of your actions. I’m not saying that I have complete control all the time, but I’m getting better with practice. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn these methods before
House of Carters
began taping. We verbally sparred. We screamed at each other. We argued and cried.

And those were the good times.

NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME

Worst of all was a session with a family psychologist I’d brought in to work with us. Again, I was playing Mr. Fix-it, but all that session did was open old wounds. I’d been trying to explain to my brother and sisters that I wanted them to respect each other and to think of me as their brother
the human being
, not as their brother
the celebrity
. I wanted to break down the barriers between us so we could all communicate better. But they felt they knew what they were doing and that I didn’t. Every time I’d offer an opinion, they’d either ignore me or point out that I wasn’t exactly a great role model.

I felt as if I had no other option but to call in the cavalry. I’m a strong advocate of therapy, so that’s when I decided to invite a family psychologist to the set. If it worked for me, surely it would work for my family. But it didn’t. We only met with her that once and a therapist needs to spend a lot more time than that to make a difference in someone’s life.

When I first spoke with the family psychologist, I told her that I didn’t want this show to be a disaster, but it turned out to be a major train wreck anyway. Everyone rolled out horror stories. For instance, Leslie recounted how Mom once tricked her by telling her she was sending her to a summer camp to ride horses, when she was actually sending her to a
fat camp
. Leslie said Mom had hoped to make money from Leslie’s singing career, but her weight had become an issue with the record company. That was not the only ugly story shared that day. It was grueling for everyone to rehash those kinds of distressing memories.

While I was accustomed to being on camera and on billboards that make you feel larger than life, the notoriety that came with being on the show lulled my brother and sisters into a false sense of security. They didn’t understand that what they said and did on television would never go away, that it would be broadcast all over the world. So, overall, I think the show did much more harm than good. I think it damaged my brother and sisters because they began to think of themselves as stars even though the show wasn’t a big hit.

I FELT AS IF I HAD
NO OTHER OPTION
BUT TO CALL IN THE CAVALRY.

The television critics were merciless, though I could hardly blame them. One wrote in
The New York Daily News
, “The only reason for the new reality show ‘House of Carters’ to exist is to make us all feel better about our own lives. The show, which follows the Carter kids, led by former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, is nothing but an hour of a severely dysfunctional group of people wallowing in their misfortune. There’s not a moment of hope, cheer or any other reason to keep watching.”

And not only were the reviews scathing, the ratings for the show weren’t great either. I can’t even say that the embarrassment was lessened by the limited television viewing audience because sadly, the show still lives on thanks to YouTube and other Internet sources. And, of course, there was the
Saturday Night Live
parody that brought added attention to our family drama. The segment featured Andy Samberg as my brother Aaron, and Jason Sudeikis as me. Mostly they just screamed at each other, hugged each other, and then set back to screaming again.

It wasn’t funny, but it was painfully accurate.

MADHOUSE OF CARTERS

For the show, E! rented this huge stone mansion with spectacular views of the Hollywood Hills. In our short time there, we turned a dream house into a madhouse. This beautiful place became party central. Every time I came home from the studio or a concert, it was packed with people. Day and night. Instead of empowering my brother and sister, I was enabling them.

My frustration boiled over into fury. I ranted and raved and came across as a demented dictator most of the time.

IT WASN’T FUNNY, BUT IT WAS
PAINFULLY ACCURATE
.

On a positive note, there were some unexpected benefits, or at least, enlightenments that came out of the whole experience. I learned a lot about myself just by watching my brother and sisters. Even though I’d spent my first eleven years with them, I was not around all that much once I hit my teenage years. Viewing the reality show and observing their behavior, I realized that we shared many of the same character flaws. We are all very defensive. We all very much want to be loved and appreciated even though we quickly put up walls when we feel threatened, criticized or rejected in any way.

The Carter kids have trust issues. To avoid potential pain, our tendency is to pull back or rebuff the other person first. Staying in control is important to us all, because as kids we felt we had no control over our lives. Our mom and dad were so immature and lacking in parenting skills that we never felt secure, even about where we would live or who would provide for us.

People who put up walls may seem cold or unfriendly to others, but the truth is they often isolate themselves because they feel scared and vulnerable. If you avoid or sabotage relationships for that reason, you should know that you are not responsible for all the things that happened to you. You can’t change what you can’t control—any more than I could change my brother and sisters by doing that reality show. But you
can
change yourself by controlling how you respond to people and events in your life. You can change your programming. You can learn to react thoughtfully rather than emotionally.

One of the big benefits of this more thoughtful approach is that you won’t be as likely to say hurtful things to people you care about. I’ve had a tendency to say cutting things, especially with my brother and sisters, because I didn’t stop to think of the lasting impact those words would have. There is plenty of evidence of this on display in
House of Carters.

There I was, hoping to mend relationships through the show but instead, every time someone didn’t respond the way I wanted them to, I’d say something mean that only made things worse. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished that I could take back words I let loose in anger or frustration. So often, I’ve tried to apologize and just move on, but the damage had been done. You can’t lash out at someone and then expect that person to forget what was said. Very few people are capable of forgiving or forgetting so quickly. And when your words hurt them time and time again, you can’t blame people for either pushing you away or striking back.

YOU ABSOLUTELY
CANNOT MAKE THEM CHANGE.

My attempts to change my brother and sisters didn’t work because I hadn’t changed myself at that point. How could I expect them to follow my advice when I wasn’t following it? After Aaron and I battled it out one day, I realized again that people don’t change until they want to change. You absolutely cannot make them change. As the family fixer, that was a hard thing for me to accept, but the
House of Carters
brought the lesson home. Since then, my life has offered proof that dramatic changes can occur, but those changes have to start within you. You can’t change another person from the outside in. They have to begin their own process from the inside out.

I showed up to
House of Carters
in full control-freak mode. My brother and sisters rebelled against that, as I should have known they would. They helped me understand that I could not fix them; I could only fix myself. Through that experience and through therapy, I have come to understand that real control begins when you accept that you have no control over anything or anyone but yourself. When you accept that, everything changes. If you don’t accept that, nothing will change.

OWNING IT

Thankfully, my life and my relationships have dramatically improved since then because I gave up trying to control others and took responsibility for controlling myself. It’s a big change for me and I can’t say that I’ve mastered either part of the equation yet, but I’ve made progress and I continue to work on it.

I’ve actually been able to patch things up with Aaron recently and that feels great. Our reconciliation never would have happened if I’d kept trying to change him instead of myself. I just keep repeating the phrase, “Begin from the inside out.” Change who you are and people will respond. Heal thyself.

I have admitted my mistakes to my brother and sisters, but even better, I’ve stopped repeating those mistakes. You can only ask for their forgiveness so many times. Sooner or later, you have to stop hurting them if you expect them to welcome your company. I had to look within and truly acknowledge that I was poisoning our relationships by constantly trying to play the big brother and default parent.

They didn’t need me to be the boss. They needed me to be their brother. They didn’t need orders or commands. They needed understanding, compassion and empathy. I found that instead of trying to push, shove and force them down the path I wanted them to go, the best thing I could do was walk that path and shine a light for them to follow.

My need to control them was mostly about protecting myself. I was asking them to trust me even though I lacked confidence in myself. That never works. I had to get my own house in order before I could effectively be a leader in the
House of Carters
.

Yes, my insecurities were deeply rooted in my upbringing—the pandemonium I was raised in, and the never-ending fear that my siblings and I would be split up if the divorce my parents threatened actually came to pass. Yet, I had so many experiences that should have made me very confident. I’d begun supporting myself when most kids my age were still in junior high. I’d traveled the world and appeared on stage before millions of people. I’d worked hard to develop my talents and our group had reached the pinnacle of success. We had fans around the world. Why didn’t I feel better about myself?

CHANGE
WHO YOU ARE
AND PEOPLE WILL RESPOND.

I’m sure you have fine points too, yet you may have asked yourself the same question. If you haven’t, you probably should. Why do we so often choose to focus on what is lacking in our lives instead of what is there in abundance? Again, it comes down to the power of choice. In the same way that it is better to focus on changing those things within our control rather than wrestling with what is not, you and I have the choice and the power to concentrate on what is good and present in our lives rather than on what is bad or lacking.

SELECTIVE TUNING

With the help of therapy and reading, I’ve learned to tune out that little cartoon devil that perches on my shoulder whispering negative things in my ears. Instead, I tune into the cartoon angel on the other shoulder who says,
Look what you’ve accomplished! You’ve built a great life through your hard work and talents. Feel good about that!

After the whole
House of Carters
fiasco, I had to make the conscious choice to focus on the only thing that was truly within my control—my own actions and decisions—and hope that my example inspires the ones I love. Part of my personal ‘Fix Nick’ program is to plug into the positive aspects of my life and future. I invite you to do the same.

I’ve messed up. I’ve had to learn many lessons the hard way. But the fact is that now I’m doing better than I ever thought I would. My level of self-understanding is much greater than it’s ever been. I think more before I act. I don’t let life just sweep me up like a giant wave. I set goals to determine my course and while I don’t achieve all those goals, at least I’m taking responsibility for my own failures and successes.

Best of all, I feel I’ve evolved from the lifestyles of my mother and father. I’m not afraid to admit that the thought of being a parent one day is more than a little scary for me because I didn’t have the greatest role models. But I can’t control the way I was parented. I can, however, control my own development as a human being. I’ve come a long way, but I’m not yet fully satisfied. I want to be a loving, nurturing husband and father who encourages his children to seek knowledge and to love themselves.

BUT THE FACT IS THAT NOW I’M
DOING BETTER
THAN I EVER THOUGHT I WOULD.

You can’t stop negative thoughts from coming into your head. But you can control how much attention you give them and how you respond to them. You can choose to ignore any thoughts that bring you down or get in the way of your efforts to be the best you can be. For me, that means getting over what is past—the lack of nurturing and stability in my childhood. I’m sure you have your own baggage, maybe your own hurts, family dysfunctions and failures. We all have things that happened to us, but they don’t have to stay with us and weigh us down for the rest of our lives. We can focus instead on moving ahead based on what is good and what makes us better.

Again, it’s an inside-out process. When you refuse to live in a negative frame of mind, you project a positive personality and that, in turn, brings more positive things your way in the form of uplifting people, exciting opportunities, and good karma.

Reality check: Bad things will still happen. You can be the most positive person in the world and life will still sucker punch you from time to time. It’s okay to feel blind-sided or sad when that happens. It’s natural to mourn the loss of a loved one, or to feel down when you experience failures or disappointments. But just remember, this, too, shall pass. Better days will come if you hang in there, stay positive, and focus on being and doing your best.

I remind myself often now that I need to be as good and caring a friend to myself as I am to the other people I love. You wouldn’t tell a friend who is struggling that he is not worthy of success. You wouldn’t constantly point out what is lacking or bad about her life. Instead, you build up your friends and encourage them by focusing on their talents and strengths. Why wouldn’t we do the same for ourselves?