Fairy Tale Fail (12 page)

"Is that what you think I did to
you?"

"Isn't that why you want me
again? Because you think I
worked
on
the issues you told me you had with me?"
I felt my voice start to go shrill, and I fought to keep it level.
"I didn't change at all. These things that happened to me? I didn't
plan them. I just started a job that I knew how to do well, and got
rewarded without even trying. I'm having fun now, because I've been
hanging out with people who enjoy my company and don't give me
grief about what I should be doing. I've been confident because
I've been meeting new people who find me interesting. When I tell
them my passion is
traveling
, even if I don't make a lot
of money, they find it fascinating. If you like
me
now because of this, well, I
like
me
like this
too. And I did it all without you."

At this point Don began to
realize that it might not go as he planned. "But I do love you. And
I realized when you were gone that it wasn't fair to you that I
demanded those things. Ellie, I don't know what I said that's
making you angry, but in the past months I learned that I love you.
I
really
love you.
Can't we focus on that?"

"But you didn't learn
anything!" I said, shaking my head. "
You
did it again to the girl you just broke up with.
You mean well, Don, but you're a bad boyfriend.
How sure am I that you won't find another thing that's wrong with
me and break up with me again?"

"I can be better," Don said. "I
obviously need to work on some things."

Admitting to a flaw and wanting to
change was something I never thought I'd hear Don say, ever. I said
that I wanted him back and here he was.

But then I remembered something. Let
me tell you what being with a "good guy" was like: It was as if we
were always watched, by disapproving eyes, or at least by his own
judgmental self. He was always the first to stop – and scold –
himself for being less than perfect at work, at home, with his
friends. He set arbitrary standards for his girlfriends. When we
broke up, he said things like "I hope you understand where I'm
coming from" but no apologies for breaking my heart were given, at
least none sincere, because he was a good person, who never meant
to hurt anyone, ever.

But… didn't I want us back together? I
admitted it out loud just weeks ago.

I
could
imagine it. And saw that
history would repeat itself. This was not "happily ever after"
still, because nothing about us had
really
changed. I wasn't deliberately
ambitious or driven now – my success was all a happy coincidence.
And he didn't really appreciate
me
yet – he just got burned by his recent
relationships and wanted to go back to his comfort zone.

This was, and I could see it now, the
Stepmother in disguise, handing Snow White the poison apple for the
third time. I had survived that last two encounters, but believing
it this time would probably break me.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but
I don't believe that you love me," I said, after a long and deep
breath. "I think you're on the rebound again. I wasn't good enough
for you before, but I'm at least better than the last girlfriend
you had so you're willing to settle."

"That's not true, Ellie—"

"Don, I still think you're a great
guy. You're responsible, ambitious and we believe in a lot of the
same things. But I'm not different at all. I'm the same person you
had 'issues' with, and those haven't changed. I think I should be
with someone who doesn't care about all that. You'll know what I
mean when you actually love someone, for real."

I didn't wait for dessert. I excused
myself, and told a waiter on the way out to charge the entire
dinner to my room instead.

It was the least I could do, pay for
dinner.

***

I didn't even notice that my hands
were shaking until I saw the reflection on the elevator doors of my
little sparkly clutch bag. Like tiny disco lights.

None of my plans covered
this possibility. I didn't think I would ever be faced with a
reunion with Don and say no. But at the same time, I felt so
relieved. I may have rushed to catch the elevator but I wasn't
running
from
something, I was running
to
someone.

Someone in room 1123.

Lucas opened the door and he was just
in a white shirt and shorts. He had changed into sleepwear. It was
his last night in Bangkok and he was staying in.

Lucky me.

"Is your roommate here?" I
asked.

"He's out," Lucas said.

"Good." Not exactly
friendly, and very impolitely, I kissed him. I crossed the
threshold and let myself in, going up on my tiptoes and
pulling
his face halfway to meet mine. I
gave it to him determined, deep, and somewhat sloppy. I messed up
his damp hair further by taking handfuls and just hanging on. I
tugged at his lower lip playfully when he came up for
air.

"
Do Not Disturb
sign," he said in the
single second that I allowed him to breathe.

Chapter 16

Naturally, being a girl who
obsessively planned things, I didn't just daydream. Certain life
events I already plotted out in my head, complete with agenda,
outfits, and lighting. But I didn't exactly plan for finding myself
in my Office Crush's hotel room in a foreign city.

I thought I would be lost and panicky;
instead I felt… unburdened.

It helped that Lucas knew exactly what
would make me feel better: reciprocity. Whether he wanted this too
wasn't a mystery. I could tell in the way he kissed me, and when he
reached for the buttons of my jacket after I fumbled clumsily with
them, and when he disposed of his shirt in one movement before I
even thought of it. He knew what he was doing. It was like I could,
for once, let my life actually happen and not obsess over every
detail.

It just
worked
.

I let him set the pace and he
responded with a long leisurely kiss that zapped me of conscious
thought for who knows how long. Without the jacket I would have
shivered in the cold room but he kept his body close, so close, and
his shoulders were surprisingly warm and smooth in contrast to the
stubble that he took care not to scratch against my skin. I didn't
know what I was supposed to be doing but he would gently shift my
hand, my hip, my shoulder, my chin, so I would be right where he
wanted me to be, and it was as if I knew where things went. It was
nice of him to save me the embarrassment of asking.

Or maybe I spoke too soon, because
some things needed asking.

"Shit," Lucas said. "You wouldn't
happen to have…?"

"What? Oh." No, my clutch bag had lip
gloss and a cellphone, not contraception. "No."

"Shit." Lucas looked adorable even in
a frustrated state, as he pushed me back slightly and struggled to
gather his thoughts. "I didn't think I'd be needing it."

I giggled. "This is what happens when
you don't have a plan."

"No, this is what happens when I –
wait." He gently lifted me off his lap and headed to Anton's side
of the room, and found what he was looking for in a pile of
crumpled receipts and foil.

And then at the same moment we
realized that he had fished through Anton's trash for an unused
condom, and that killed the mood faster than anything.

Um, yuck.

"We don't
have
to right now," I
said, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

"Yeah, well, I'm going to wash my
hands." He threw the packet back into the pile and headed toward
the bathroom.

The second and third tattoos were on
his back, I discovered right then, on top of each other, in the
general area of his left shoulder blade.

***

"Thirty minutes."

"Can't do it."

"Twenty minutes."

"I don't think you can get the essence
of Patpong in twenty minutes. Plus we both have to be at the
airport before nine PM. Might as well skip it and try again next
time."

"See, this is my punishment for not
doing my research."

"You could have gone tonight. I'm sure
there's at least one group out there now. Why didn't
you?"

"I was thinking of how to sabotage
your dinner."

"Seriously?"

"Well, maybe for an hour. And then I
gave up and just stayed in."

"It would have been easy to sabotage,
you know." I peeked at the clock on the nighttable. "It's three AM.
I should go back."

Lucas stuck his head between my
shoulder and a pillow and faked a loud snore. It
tickled.

After he emerged from the bathroom
earlier, we laughed for a bit about the situation, but didn't dwell
on it. Lucas asked if I wanted to eat, and I said I wanted dessert.
I didn't get to have dessert.

Soon, we had a selection of goodies
sent up to the room. It was expensive, and I might as well have
eaten my per diem money right then and there. Hours later, cakes
and chocolate all gone, I just lay there beside him thinking of
what to do on my last day in the city.

"Anyway," I said, casually talking up
to the ceiling, like any of this was normal, "I have errands to run
tomorrow. Stuff to buy in Pratunam."

"How about I join you? I have nothing
planned tomorrow."

"You had an entire day in Bangkok and
didn't plan for it?"

"This day would have ended
differently if I
had
a plan, remember?" Lucas turned to lie on his stomach, raising
himself up on his elbows. "You look beautiful tonight. In case I
haven't said it yet. Did you do all this for him?"

"I thought so, but I
probably did it for
me
. I think I look
great
in this dress."

"I completely agree."

I laughed and reached over to touch
his hair, intending to smooth down a patch that was sticking up,
realizing that I could.

I could do that now.

"I'm a little nervous," I admitted. "I
just gave up what I thought I wanted."

"You regretting it?"

I pushed myself up against the
headboard, my brow furrowed. "I guess not. I just realized earlier
that even if I got him it wouldn't be the kind of relationship I
wanted. I'm just… well, give me a minute to grieve."

He smiled and pressed his lips
together. And waited. And then, in less than a minute, "Was that
enough time?"

"You think you're funny," I said
ruefully. "I have no idea what my life is going to be like
now."

Lucas pushed himself up, closer to me,
and lifted my hand up, our fingertips touching. "You told me that
your life wasn't all about work. That you had a lot of things you
looked forward to when you got out of the office."

Yes, I remembered that.

He pushed himself up, even closer, our
fingertips still touching. "Then that's exactly what your life is
going to be. You've still got your family, your hobbies, your
friends, none of that will change."

"Really." It wasn't a
question.

"And I'm probably going to, you know,
start calling. Driving you home. Taking you to movies you
hate."

I started to smile, but he wasn't done
yet.

"And then you'll probably
want to introduce me to your mom. Your nephew Dylan will love me
because kids like me, and I'll tell him about my brother's job and
our pirate story, and he'll just be so attached to me. And then
you'll want me to go to church again, and we'll probably discuss
that at length. But I probably
will
go to church with you at least once, and it will
be in your college church, to erase the memory of what that douche
did there."

I opened my mouth to speak, but no, he
wasn't done yet.

"And then we'll hang out with my
friends, who apparently like you, and I'll meet your friends, some
of whom spread rumors about me, and we'll talk about them behind
their backs to each other. You'll want to take another trip abroad,
and I'll want to take you to a small town in the province where we
have to share bathroom with our host's neighbor, but we'll
compromise by agreeing to go anyway and tolerate any whining that
may happen."

It didn't sound at all like happily
ever after, but I couldn't keep from smiling. "Are you done?" I
asked.

"So that's the plan," Lucas said.
"Sorry, I only had a minute to come up with it. Will that
do?"

"It's already better than any
relationship I've ever had."

What mattered was that despite the
reasons why he didn't have to be there with me, he wanted to
anyway. And that despite my original plans, the guy I was kissing
right then was the one who gave me my confidence back, not the one
who took it away.