Fairytale Lost (7 page)

E
mmalyn didn’t need
the full week of Zavia’s ultimatum to come to terms with her situation. At her first OB-GYN appointment, they gave her an ultrasound, and she was able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. That was all it took for her to fall in love with the child she was carrying. As she walked out of the doctor’s office, she called Zavia and then Isabel and asked them to meet her for dinner.

She went home and gave herself a full pampering treatment — long bath, wash and set for her hair, and polish for her nails. She arrived at the restaurant early and ordered appetizers to munch while she waited. Suddenly, she was excited to let her friends in on her secret.

Zavia arrived first. She looked harried and concerned. Emmalyn felt bad for holding her friends at bay, but she couldn’t deal with their hovering and finding out about the baby. Isabel came in a few minutes later. After both sat down and put in their drink orders with the cute waiter who didn’t know who to flirt with first, Em took her friends’ hands in hers.

“I am so sorry for being a selfish, self-absorbed shit the last couple of weeks. I’m going to explain, but it comes in two separate-but-related confessions. I need you both to promise to hear me out before you start fussing, okay?”

She waited for each to nod before continuing. She took a deep breath and a drink of water before going on. “The night I had the date with Grant, Lukas interrupted us. He and Brian came in, and despite my repeated pleas to be left alone, he insisted that he needed to say his piece. Brian finally dragged him out, but he’d already ruined the date. I asked Grant to leave me at the restaurant, and I had planned to take a cab home since that was how I’d gotten there. When I left, Lukas was waiting for me. I let him drive me home, and one thing led to another.”

Zavia cursed under her breath. Isabel simply sat stunned. Emmalyn pushed on. “The day I left the office sick, I did make the appointment with my doctor. She told me I was pregnant. When you two caught me in front of my house, I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but then I went to the OB-GYN and heard the baby’s heartbeat. It was the most amazing thing I’d ever heard. So, there you have it. I’m gonna be a mama.”

Zavia and Isabel sat speechless. Zavia kept blinking, but no sound came out of her mouth.

“I see,” Isabel said. “Does this mean you’re coming back to work though?”

Emmalyn did a double take, unsure she’d heard Isabel correctly. “Yeah. I’ll be there first thing Monday morning.

“Good, because your to-do list is long,” Isabel muttered, trying in vain to cover her surprise.

Emmalyn laughed softly. She looked over to Zavia, who still hadn’t spoken.

“Please, Zee, I need to know you are okay with this.”

“Okay with this? Okay? Of course I’m not okay! We asked, we begged, we demanded you stay away from him. Now you sit there all giddy and ridiculous and tell us you’re pregnant? Are you shitting me? You can’t take care of a baby. You’re a fucking disaster,” Zavia bellowed.

Emmalyn blinked to keep the tears from falling. It had never occurred to her that her oldest friend would have reacted this harshly. She knew Zavia would disapprove, but this? Never this.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I made a mistake. But I am overjoyed about this baby. Don’t worry, Little Miss Perfection, I won’t bother you with it.” Emmalyn slammed her napkin on the table and stormed out the restaurant, Zavia hot on her heels.

Zavia caught her by the arm as the reached the sidewalk. “Don’t you dare try to act hurt. You always do this. Get yourself in some kind of mess and expect us to be happy about it. What were you thinking?”

“I’m pregnant, Zavia. It happens, even to walking disasters like me. The baby and I will be fine.”

“Jesus, Em, what about your depression, huh? The medications can’t be good for the baby? Fuck it all, Emmalyn -- what about Lukas?” Zavia questioned. “Is he going to be happy about this too?”

Em skipped over Zee’s questions about her depression and her meds. She and the doctor had been round and round about what precautions she should be taking. Lukas, however, was another matter all together. “Lukas is in California,” Em hissed tightly through clenched teeth.

“He is the baby’s father, right? He has a right to know,” Zavia pointed out.

“He doesn’t have a right to shit! God, you are so high and mighty. I’m sorry to disappoint you yet again, Zavia, but I am a disaster, just like you said. A manic- depressive clusterfuck. But I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let Lukas do to this child what my father did to me. You breathe a word of this to him and I will never forgive you!” Emmalyn spun on her heel and went back inside the restaurant, leaving Zavia standing gape-mouthed on the sidewalk, trying to decide what she wanted to do next.

“
T
ry not
to be too angry with Zee. She’s just worried about you,” Isabel said when Em flopped down in the chair. She racked her mind for something to say that wouldn’t make the situation worse. Nothing came to her.

Em picked up her glass and swirled the icy water around a bit, furious and hurt. “That’s not what it sounded like to me, Isabel. It sounded like she was being a judgmental bitch who knows what’s best for everyone and can’t accept that we’re not all some fucking annoying cross between Mary Poppins and superwoman like she is,” she complained.

“I’m not superwoman,” Zavia chimed in from behind Em’s chair. “I know I act like I have it all together, but I really don’t. I just hate seeing you get hurt, Em. You’re my best friend. I’m sorry for how I reacted.” She sat down at the table and took a healthy drink from her wine glass.

“Zavia, I’m not trying to ruin my life or Lukas’s. I wasn’t going to say anything to him. He has his life in California; my life is here. We agreed—one night, no questions, no strings. It’s better this way,” Em insisted.

Isabel's eyes were wide with disbelief. “You’re not going to tell him? Shouldn’t he know?”

“Probably, but all we ever do is hurt each other. I don’t want to put the baby in the middle of our issues. I can’t help that I’m pregnant, and I’m sure as hell not getting rid of it. But I can try my best to mitigate the drama as much as possible.”

Zavia wanted to argue the complete wrongness of Emmalyn’s attitude, but all she said was, “If that’s your decision, we’ll support you.”

“Really? Because despite my earlier declarations, I’m totally gonna need you guys,” Em sheepishly admitted.

Isabel took Emmalyn’s hand in her own and gave her a reassuring smile. “Of course we think you’re absolutely wrong, but you’re our girl. And that baby is going to have two of the most annoyingly loving aunties ever.”

Zavia’s smile turned sinister. “Oh, I am totally going to pay you back for every gram of sugar you have ever given Jared, and I am going to seriously enjoy it!”

“Oh Lord.” Em rolled her eyes and snatched up another piece of bread.

The three friends dissolved into a fit of giggles and baby planning. Over the course of dinner, Zavia delighted in describing, in excruciating and disgusting detail, what pregnancy and childbirth were like for her. Isabel threatened more than once to throw-up right there at the table.

And despite the return to easiness, Emmalyn wasn’t comfortable sharing the fears she had about impending motherhood and her decision not to tell Lukas about their child. She knew full well she was wrong but wasn’t able to bring herself to talk to him.

“So, I’m going to Arizona to visit my mom this weekend,” Emmalyn blurted out.

“You are willingly going to step foot in Delma’s house?” Zavia was reasonably skeptical of this plan. Emmalyn and her mother’d had a rough relationship since her father’s death. Zavia couldn’t remember the last time Em had even mentioned her mother in conversation.

“I mean, yeah, you know. With the baby coming, it’s about time I mend fences with her. Don’t you think?” Em tried to smile enough to look like she was confident in what she was saying. The truth was the complete opposite. She didn’t want to see her mother and definitely didn’t want to lay her faults open for her mother to rip her to shreds. But she needed someone to talk to, and her mother was going to have to suffice.

So why did she suddenly feel like she was going to be sick?

E
mmalyn sat
in a her rental car outside of her mother’s clean beige stucco house in Yuma, Arizona, and contemplated driving back to North Carolina. She knew she was being ridiculous, but she was really not interested in being subjected to the high level of irrationality her mother could achieve in a relatively short amount of time. On the plane ride west, she’d convinced herself that her mother could surprise her and just be a normal, reassuring mom for once. A flash of something shiny in her peripheral vision caught her eye. As she slowly turned her head to see what it was, she knew she couldn’t have been more wrong.

Em watched the beautiful middle-aged woman rush down her driveway toward the car. Her mother hadn’t aged a day in the last three years. She had the same medium- brown skin, and sparkling, brown, almost-black eyes that Emmalyn remembered. Her hair had been cut short, and the gray had been color rinsed away. It was what she was wearing, however, that drew Em’s attention. Her mother had on a gold lamé jumpsuit that looked like it had been taken straight off some disco dancer in 1976. It was, quite simply, ridiculous. Em’s head fell forward, and she banged it twice on the steering wheel before opening the car door and stepping out.

“Well, what are you doing just sitting in the car in this heat? Come on inside!” Delma grabbed her daughter and pulled her into a tight hug. Em found herself caught up in her mother’s enthusiasm and hugged her back. She even managed to smile.

“Mom, what on earth are you wearing? And why are you out in public in it?” Emmalyn asked, laughing.

Delma put her arm through Emmalyn’s and led her to the house. “This is my workout outfit. You can’t tell me I don’t look hot, honey.”

Em and Delma walked into the house amiably enough. Emmalyn followed her mother through the living room and into the kitchen. The room was crammed with tchotchkes and souvenirs. On a wall near the kitchen was a space dedicated to pictures of Em growing up. Her mother still had every school picture Em had had taken over the years. There were collages of candid shots of Emmalyn and her dad too. Em was stunned. She couldn’t believe her mom had kept them all. Despite having divorced Em’s father before his death, Delma and Ray had stayed very close. She still had each of their annual family portraits hanging on the wall.

“I still can’t let him go, you know.” Delma stood in the doorway watching the emotions pass over her daughter’s face.

“I see. Bobby is okay with pictures of your dead ex-husband on his den wall?”

“He has no choice but to be okay with it. Besides, it’s not like I can cheat or anything. Your dad was my soulmate. No matter how things ended, I loved that man with everything I was. Even still, I talk to his pictures because I like to pretend I can still talk to him.”

“Even after everything he put you through, put us through, you still loved him?”

“Your heart will continue to love no matter what your brain says, baby girl. My brain knew he wasn’t any good for either of us, but my heart couldn’t beat as long as he and I were apart. When he died, I thought I was going to die too. I felt every thump of my heartbeat, felt it like an old engine trying to turn over. I had lost my other half. But I held on, for you, for your sake, because you needed a mama, though I’m guessing the argument can be made that I wasn’t a very good one.”

“I know you did the best you could. You just seemed so lost, and I was too young to be able to help you. I felt so frustrated. Eventually, I turned away.”

“Well, you’re here now. So, how about some lunch?”

“That depends. Are you back to eating normal black-people food again?”

“Black people can be vegan, thank you very much, but it just so happens that I am back on eating meat. How about some pulled-pork and cole slaw?”

Emmalyn’s smile was a mile wide. She loved her mother’s homemade pulled pork and cole slaw. “You know I am not mad with that!”

They sat down and ate. It was as if the last ten years hadn’t happened, and the specter of her father’s broken life wasn’t still haunting them. Emmalyn relaxed, truly relaxed, for the first time in weeks.

The meal complete, mother and daughter adjourned to the back patio. The air was warm but dry. Em loved it.

“So, what brings you all the way to Arizona?”

Em took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure she was ready to tell her mother what had brought her to town. Then again, she wasn’t sure she would ever really be ready. “I’m pregnant.”

Delma nodded slowly. “Huh. I see. Am I happy or sad at the news?”

Emmalyn frowned, then laughed, understanding dawning slowly. “I hope you’re happy.”

“Good. Because I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to be a grandma!” Delma pulled Em over to her side of the deck sofa and hugged her tight.

Emmalyn began tearing up, and before she could stop herself, she’d gone full blubber. “Oh, Mom. I’ve made such a mess of things.”

“Oh, ok, so happy with a caveat. What’s the mess you made?” probed Delma gently.

“The baby is Lukas’s. He was in town for work. We hooked up, and now I’m having his baby.”

“Huh. I see. And are we happy or sad at that bit of news?” she asked slowly, not wanting to cause ripples or set her daughter off.

“I don’t know, Ma.” Emmalyn pulled away from her mother and stood up. She paced the length of the deck over and again. Delma watched and waited. Emmalyn had always had a need to come to things in her own time. She knew better than to push Em too hard. “I’ve decided I’m not going to tell him about the baby.”

“Why on earth not? It’s his responsibility too,” Delma asked, catching herself before launching into a full lecture.

Em looked truly pathetic. “He has his own life in California. Too much time has passed, too much pain between us to go back. It was a mistake. I don’t want to compound it by forcing a relationship with someone who isn’t right for me.”

“Uh huh.”

“What uh huh?” Em stopped pacing and turned to face her mother.

“Well, baby girl, this is pretty tricky territory. On the one hand, I don’t want you to be mad with me anymore and not let me see my grandbaby. But on the other hand, I don’t want to have to lie to you. So you get uh huh.”

Emmalyn sat in one of the chairs across from the sofa. Her pants were tight and uncomfortable, partly from overeating at lunch, partly because she didn’t have any maternity clothes. She wriggled in the chair until she found a comfortable position. “Just give it to me. I won’t get mad.”

“Promise?”

“I swear.” She held up her hand in an oath.

“You and Lukas remind me so much of me and your father. It’s why I never really supported your relationship with him. Your father was the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful man on the planet, but his head was always in the clouds, never on the task at hand. And if it wasn’t in the clouds, it was in the bottom of a bottle of bourbon. And I never cared. I thought I could always be responsible enough for both of us. I always had to be the adult, and, frankly, that get’s tiresome.

“I know Lukas never drank, but his head was always somewhere else, and he always seemed to leave you holding the bag somewhere. And it scared me because I know what happens when the adults lose their patience, when the rose-colored lenses come off. And I never wanted that for you. But despite everything, I wouldn’t trade your time with your father for anything.”

“Really? Because I would. He was never there. He constantly made promises he knew damn well he couldn’t keep. He missed recitals, ball games, ceremonies. It broke my heart every time I looked in the crowd and saw that empty seat next to you.”

“Your daddy loved you,” Delma asserted. It broke her heart to think that Em didn’t know just how much her daddy had loved her.

“I know. He told me ten times a day. But he was never there when I needed him, and neither was Lukas. I won’t let him do that to this baby—not if I can help it.”

“Lukas deserves a chance to try. You aren’t God. You can’t decide who gets to be a parent and who doesn’t. I’m not trying to hurt you, but what if Lukas decided you weren’t going to be a good mother and tried to take the baby away from you? Would that be fair? Of course not. Because you will be an amazing mother. And he will be an amazing father. Or he won’t. But your baby deserves the chance to have a father in its life. I’ll stand by you no matter what, but I hope you’ll think about what I’m saying.”

Delma stood up and kissed Em on the forehead. “I’m so glad you came. I’ve missed you so much.You just don’t know, baby girl.”

Em smiled. “I missed you too,” she replied, surprised to find that she meant it. “What time does Bobby get home?”

Delma waved her hand in dismissal. “I sent him off fishing. It’s just us girls this weekend.”

A
fter tossing
and turning most of the night, Emmalyn’s brain came to a decision somewhere around four a.m. She waited until she heard Delma moving around before getting up and tracking her down. She finally found her mother sitting on the back porch sipping coffee and reading the front page of the newspaper. She jumped when Emmalyn came bursting out of the sliding glass door.

“Emmalyn,” Delma exclaimed. “What’s got you up so early? It’s not the baby is it?”

“No. Get dressed. We’re going on a road trip.”

“Oh. Okay. Where are we going?”

“California. I’ve got an ex to track down.”

“Emmy, I don’t think…,” her mother started but then thought better of it. “I’ll go get dressed.”

She set her coffee down and stood up. Emmalyn pulled her into an awkward but strong hug. “Thanks, Mom.”

It took about two hours for mother and daughter to finally leave the house. It was easy to find Lukas’s address on the Internet. Emmalyn wasn’t sure about bringing her mother along, but that issue solved itself about halfway into the ride from Yuma to San Diego when Delma announced that although she was tagging along for moral support, she didn’t think it was wise for her to be there for the actual conversation.

“You two are adults, and you’ll have to develop a way to communicate with each other and not be angry or accusatory. It’s up to you to set the tone, baby girl. Men are emotional creatures. They don’t have the capacity to be rational and logical. Set the terms you want, and negotiate from there.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what they say about us,” Em replied laughing. She shifted in her seat for the umpteenth time. “I have got to get new pants. These are cutting off the circulation to my feet.”

Delma laughed. “When I got pregnant with you, I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes after about a month. I had at least three different wardrobes because I didn’t think it was possible for me to get any bigger. And, oh Lord, the heartburn. Don’t even get me started on that.”

The mindless baby chatter helped calm Emmalyn’s mind. More than once she contemplated turning around and simply calling him when she got back to Charlotte. But her conscience wouldn’t let her. She had to see this, through and she wasn’t going to let the massive number of butterflies trying to flit their way through her stomach stop her.