Faith In Love (17 page)

Faith does not throw the letter away, though she thinks of doing that.  Neither does she show the letter to Carol (she doesn't think of doing that).  Instead, she folds the letter into the tiniest possible square and puts it in her purse. 

Thursday, April 14 

Faith is in the Soho flat with Eva.  Eva tried to embrace Faith at the door when she arrived.  Faith evaded her.  Eva shrugged and let Faith precede her into the flat. 

Logs are burning on the fire as before.  A small lamp is the only other source of light.  The candles have gone. 

Faith sits down in the same armchair she sat in on her first visit to the flat.  Eva surprises her by pulling up a hard-back chair and seating herself on that.  Eva is wearing a black short skirt.  Her long legs gleam in the mellow light.

"Why the summons?" says Faith. 

"No need to look at it like that, is there?  I'm your friend.  I want to see you.  I miss you."

"How's Joan?"

Eva sighed.  An unreadable expression flickered across her face.  "Of course, that's over for me now, as is the Don thing, and of course the Carol thing."  She smiled and crossed one gleaming leg over the other.  The skirt is very short.  

"Seems it's all over for me at present.  Dare say it's for the best.  I need to spend some time by myself, thinking things through, doing penance for my bad behaviour."

She uncrossed and crossed her legs again, more slowly. 

Faith thinks, she's smiling again.  Her eyes are bright.  She may be about to cry.  Is she trying to turn me on?  Is she succeeding?  Oh, yes, I think she is, on both counts.  Better leave now.  Never knew it could take so little.  Don't even like the woman, might even detest her, yet there she is, legs flashing and my knickers are wet.  Who'd have thought it? 

"Look, I'm sorry you're on your own, but it's your own fault after all.  I have to go now anyway, I appreciate you wanting to talk to me."

"You weren't always so formal, Faith.  No need to thank me anyway, I like to be truthful.  Lying is such a bloody bore.  Necessary sometimes, that's all."

"Much of the time.  I'd say.  For you, anyway."

"Oh, you
do
understand!"

"No, not really, I wouldn't have made the choices you did." 

"If you were me you would."

"In your shoes I wouldn't have done what you did."

"You're very sure, Faith.  But don't you ever do wrong things, get in messes because you follow your heart?"

"You know I do."

"Faith, I love you."  Eva stood up slowly.  Bent slowly and just as slowly drew her right hand up the inside of one gleaming thigh.  Her dark eyes were locked onto Faith's startled gaze. 

Desire snapped like a whip through Faith's shocked body.  "Eva!" she heard herself say.  And as Eva reached for her, Faith fled the room and hurtled down all three flights of stairs and out into the night. 

Before she had time to change her mind.  

Faith heard Eva calling from the window as she turned the corner.  She didn't look back. 

= CHAPTER 11 =

Saturday, April 16 

"Carol.  Thank you for taking me into your confidence.  Telling me all the things you have felt and struggled with.  I just wondered darling –"

"Mum.  What is it?" 

"I've got something to tell you before your dad gets in.  Something you won't have heard before and I want you to keep to yourself.  Will you keep it to yourself?"

"Mum,
what
?  Tell me!  I won't tell anyone."

"It's my story – of when I was your age and I loved a girl."

"Mum!"

"You're shocked, aren't you?  I thought you might be, even though you, well you're like you are."

"It was before you met
dad
, mum, if you were
my
age.  I might not have been
born!
"

"Oh, that's what's worrying you!  Come here, darling.  Sit with me.  Let's be clear about this.  I had many years of happiness with your father.  I fell pregnant with you, which made me even happier.  We were both delighted when you were born.  The most perfect, miraculous baby anyone ever saw.  It's just that before I met your father; before I met
any
man, I had a very dear friend.  And I loved her."

"Mum, that's lovely."

"Yes, well in those days we didn't have any Gay Pride or anything.  No clubs we could go to, no support groups.  I mean, there may have been, but it wasn't known.  So, we just visited each other's house, sat in each other's parents' garden, drinking flowery white wine.  And sometimes, if the parents had gone out we sneaked into bed for an hour or two.  And I have to admit, Carol, that, even at that age, it was
bliss
!  I've never been happier."

"But you loved
dad
, mum!"

"I still do, Carol or I wouldn't still be here.  I'd have taken off with you under my arm and run off to join the circus!"

"I'm a bit big to be carted off, aren't I?  Anyway, what happened to the girl?"

"Clare.  Her name was Clare.  Well, one day my mum said to me "You'll be wanting to go out with boys soon."  It sounded like a command; as if I had no choice but to obey.  But I thought, well, I won't obey.  I'll follow my heart.  I'll run away with Clare and take care of her for the rest of my life." 

"Oh mum."

"What?"

"It's
lovely
.  So what did you do?"

"Well, I didn't do anything.  I would have been brave; I would have been brave enough for both of us.  But, her mum had told her not to see me, so she didn't.  I didn't have a chance.  I guessed later on that my mum and hers had got together about us, they thought our friendship was getting "unhealthy".  That was the word they used."

"But you loved each other!" 

"No, Carol.  That was just it.  I loved her, but she didn't love me.  All that wonderful feeling between us meant something entirely different to her.  She started going out with boys almost immediately.  I used to see her with them."

"Poor mummy.  Maybe she was just scared."

"Maybe.  Anyway, less than a year later I met your dad and your uncle, Phil.  The rest is history."

"What did Clare look like, mum?"

"Dark hair, dark eyes.  Why?"

"Just wondered.  Tall?" 

"No!  So there."

Sunday, April 17

"So, mum, tell me how you ended up getting hitched to dad?"

"Well, there weren't any more women to distract me, till recently as you know.  He was more or less the first boy I was at all interested in."

"Was he just a boy?"

"He was twenty-one.  A young man.  Handsome, articulate, witty, ambitious.  Best of the bunch.  We certainly didn't
have
to get married, though, you'll be pleased to hear.  It was just your father, he suddenly came up with the idea out of the blue, and I said yes.  It seemed like the obvious next step once he'd thought of it.  He proposed on New Year's Eve 1976.

I was married in white, in church.  Why ever not?  If you're going to do it, do it right, I say.  Haven't you seen the photos?  Surely you have.  Certainly my mum did take me aside and ask me, not in so many words of course, if, well we were "expecting".  I was quite pleased to tell her no, it seemed more like a love match then.  Like we'd chosen each other. 

I wasn't pregnant then, and I never was for years, though I never used any contraceptives till after you were born.  Then the doctor said we better make sure not to have any more for a while, because it was quite a difficult birth.  They had to use forceps."

"Mum!  Do you
mind
!  That's revolting!"

"It's just Nature, darling.  Anyway I had to go on the pill and I've been on it ever since.  No side effects, except I put on a few pounds which made me rounder in the body than I was before and I think Don found that an improvement.  The other thing was, I stopped having the really heavy periods that had plagued me since I was a girl.  Which was quite a relief, I can tell you."

"Perhaps I should go on the pill."

"With your lifestyle you don't need to."

"I do.  I have terrible heavy periods, too.  I think that was why I didn't eat.  I wanted them to go away."

"That's very dangerous, Carol."

"I'll go to the doc next week.  I'll phone up for an appointment."

"You seem a lot better."

"You wouldn't believe the strain, mum.  I mean of keeping secrets.  That's probably another reason why I didn't eat that much.  It's such a relief to be able to talk."

"I agree."

"I never knew we could have this in common." 

"What?  Lesbianism or heavy periods?"

"Both!"

~ ~ ~

"Here's your dad now.  Is the gravy ready?"

"Everything's ready.  Do you want me to dish up?"

"Not for a minute, it'll get cold.  I hope he hasn't eaten."   

"Hi, Don.  How are you?  Did you have a nice time?  Come in.  Oh, it's been raining.  I didn't realise."

"How's my favourite girls?  Have you been okay?"

"Of course we have, dad.  Are you hungry?  You haven't eaten, have you?"

"A packets of peanuts that's all, and a coffee.  I left too early for dinner."

"Well, we made you proper Sunday dinner, dad.  Come and sit down." 

"Together?  That's great.  What's this – gravy, too?"    

"Yeah!  No more chips, dad!"

"Yes.  Carol's head cook now, Don.  I'm chef's assistant and you're potman and bottlewasher."

"No change there then.  Mmm.  This is delicious.  Truly.  My compliments to the chef."

"D'you want some more dad?"

"Certainly.  Pile it on!  The gravy's wonderful.  Isn't it, Faith?"

"It is."

"Dad!  Dad!"

"What?  What?  Carol.  Why are you hopping up and down like a monkey?"

"Dad!  You're a vegetarian now!  We
all
are!"

"No!  You mean that delicious pie wasn't meat?  I can't believe it.  I thought it was steak and kidney!  Faith?" 

"It's true, Don, it's soya beans or something.  Let Carol tell you.  She's quite an expert."

"Well my girl, I can see we're going to have to have quite a chat about this."

"Yes.  I can show you all the leaflets and the recipes I showed mum!"

"What are we waiting for?"

~ ~ ~

Later that evening.  Carol is in her room, reading.  Faith and Don are sitting at the kitchen table.  All the dishes have been cleared away.  The washing up has been done. 

They both look exhausted. 

"Was it difficult with Phil?"

"At first.  Very.  We had a lot of stuff to sort out.  Going back years.  Not just Eva."

"Is it better now?"

"Much.  And you and Carol?"

"Girl-talk."

"It's alright.  I wasn't asking what you talked about.  But did it go alright?"

"Very well.  She's much happier, and so am I." 

"I'm glad."

"Can I ask you something Don, that's been puzzling me?"

"If you like."

"What about football, Don?  Tell the truth!  Do you like football?"

"I
love
football.  I'm telling you, I gave up a lot for that girl." 

"She said you did, love football, I mean.  But did you see any?"

"I watched it on the telly.  I never saw Man U live except that once, when I first went up to watch Spurs play them.  That was the weekend I met Eva, in her own right I mean, not as my sister-in-law –"

"She was
always
your sister-in-law.  Still is."

"Of course you're bitter, Faith –"

"No, I'm not.  I don't know why not, I'm just not.  I didn't mean anything by that, but to state a fact, that's all.  Neither of us is a saint, Don.  You took your chances.  I took my chances, too.  We both got something out of it.  Learned a few things." 

"You're quite the philosopher, Faith.  Amazing."

"Someone once said I was perfect, Don."

"I could agree with that, Faith.  You're definitely one in a million.  Are you going to tell me who it was?"

"No, that'll have to be my secret."

~ ~ ~

I decided there and then to let Don off the leash, as it were.  I'd let him do what he wanted to do, go off to the football, go visit his brother, go off out and about as, and when, he wished.  There was no way I would criticise him or complain, so long as he treated me and Carol with courtesy and took care not to humiliate us in public. 

I felt sure he'd be off again some bright Spring day after some young thing, now that he'd got the taste for it.  Someone at work, perhaps, or down the pub.  It wouldn't be another Eva, though.  She really was one in a million, a one off, an unrepeatable offer!  The real price of which was in the small print.