Faithless (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (29 page)

“Here, just chat upstairs,” Boyd offers, no longer showing his cocky arrogance.

“Boyd, I swear to God,” Ezra growls, wincing. “You may think you’re scary, but you don’t want to see the real me. I’m doing what they all want. So bac
k off. Don’t contact Faith. She will contact you if she wants you.”

“She’s my sister,” Boyd insists.

“And don’t make me say what she is to me,” Ezra spits in Boyd’s face. “You don’t want both of us fighting you, you little fuck. Wil can’t stop me if I’m determined. You don’t know what I’m capable of. This isn’t a game. We aren’t playing
Life
, this is life! We all don’t have it easy like you and Fate.” 

I quickly redress, avoiding everyone’s eyes. I feel bad for Cort because we either have to lie to him or ignore him. I pray that Boyd can talk his way out of this.

“Oh, Boyd,” Ezra sings in a creepy voice. “Lest you forget, in less than two years, I’ll be your only competition. I wouldn’t piss me off. I’m smart enough to take you all on and win. The old and infirm don’t live forever.”

“But would you give us what we want if it saves Faith?” Boyd sneers at Ez.

“You sick fuck,” I hiss as I fly towards my brother. I take him to the floor and smash his skull into the tile. “Don’t forget who the fuck I am, you little piss-ant. Our mother is just a tool, I’m the product. Don’t push me, brother. Don’t push me,” I warn again, and a light instantly pops on inside his mind. I can see when Boyd comes to realization that I hold all the cards- ME. And he’s scared.

~Chapter Twenty-One~

“How much do you know,” I ask as I head down the street away from home. I walk r
ight up the middle of the road, the yellow lines covered by a dusting of snow. It’s fifteen degrees, but I don’t feel cold. I feel alive.

“More than you
, since my Elder actually speaks with me,” Ezra says from beside me.

“How honest do you want us to be?”
I eagerly ask, hopping up and down, wanting to spill my guts.

“I’m all in,” Ezra says with a laugh.

“Finally, someone who knows what’s going on and I’m not their horse in the race.”

“Chick?”

“Yeah?”

“We just reached our limit of sports’ puns,” he seriously says.

“Jackass,” I tease. “How long have you known?”

“Since you started hanging around ShadowHaven. Aunt
Pearl told me that she sent for you.” Ez puckers up his lips in distaste.

“How much does Cort know?”

“Absolutely nothing and I want to keep it that way.”

“You sure we’re all in?”

“Positive.”

“
How long have you known that Cortez is your first cousin?” I feel Ez freeze beside me but I keep walking. I know I didn’t spill anything he didn’t already suspect.

“You know?” Ezra
’s whisper sounds loud in the dead of night. His shame kills me. “I didn’t think anyone did. Cortez doesn’t even know.”

“They all know,” I stress. “How did you find out?”

“Marcus moved in the summer I turned thirteen. I didn’t see him as a father figure even though he was going to marry my mom. He was only eighteen, just graduated Hillbrook.”

Ezra starts talki
ng and it heals us. It heals Ez as he says things he’s never told another living being. Ezra’s soft murmur does something inside my soul. I just found an unlikely ally and I know he was a godsend. The relief I feel draws tears to my eyes.

“I’d already gone through puberty the year before. So I tested the shit out of him… both of them. I never doubted that I was gay, but Marc and Cort threw me off. I started acting out, acting bad. Doing things that had Mom calling Dr. Weiss.”

“Like what?” Curiosity gets the better of me as I slowly walk down the road, away from civilization. The woods on either side of the road close us in, making it feel private and intimate. This is an important conversation. I’m glad I didn’t go back to my house or use one of Boyd’s bedrooms. I don’t want this conversation imprinted in a location that holds bad memories.

“Marc sees me as his kid, I found that out the hard way,” Ez snorts. “I didn’t want him or anything, but I was curious. I guess I wanted him to prove that he wanted to be my father. But he looks at Cortez like I do, so yeah… anyway, I started this game, only I didn’t call it The Hunter yet. It was just a twisted game of hide-and-seek. I didn’t tell Cort I was gay, I showed him. I lost my virginity when I was twelve,” Ezra admits and my eyes go huge. “One kiss and yeah… Cort liked me back.
”

I can feel the punch line coming or maybe the punch to the gut is a better euphemism. I reach over and take Ezra’s hand in mine. He gives me a gentle squeeze in return. We just stroll down the snowy road on Christmas night.

“Later that night, Mom and Marc called me into the living room and told me that they were getting married and that Marc wanted to adopt me. I’d never known my father- not one word about him. I didn’t even know his name. They sat me down and told me the truth- Mom’s version of the truth- ones that didn’t include games. Raymond Hunter raped my mother and I was born.”

“I
’m sorry,” I say as I squeeze his hand, lending him support.

“
My mom was a liar- still is,” Ez says without resentment. “Don’t let me forget to finish that part of the story when I’m done with this one.”

“Okay,” my voice sounds small and unsure.

“Mom told me that Celeste was my aunt, my father’s twin. A half hour earlier, I’d just told my cousin I was in love with him and let him have sex with me. I couldn’t handle it. I spent the next week sedated, and when I woke up, I was broken. That twelve-year-old kid that is angry, that is who I was when Mom told me her version of the truth. He hates everyone,” Ezra whispers.

It’s at least a mile before Ezra composes himself enough to be able to speak again. I silently walk next to him, holding his hand. “You have no idea how much shame and guilt I have over this. Every day I look at Cortez and it rips me apart inside. When I can’t handle it, one of the broken parts of me takes over. It’s like being sedated. I go to sleep and wake up inside a living
nightmare, never knowing what I did while I was asleep. This has been my life for the past four years… and then you showed up… and I get more truths. I knew- I knew the night in the tent. I was going to do it then- just finish it. I couldn’t have our families do to us what they did to my parents.”

“What?”

“The night before school started, Aunt Pearl came to me. She told me the truth about the game. She told me my part in it. Raymond Hunter didn’t rape my mother- my grandparents raped my parents. It’s the only way to say it. My grandfathers stood there and forced my dad on my mom. Pearl explained the game and that that was my future if I didn’t do something about it. That something I had to do was you, Faith. I put the seed in Cort’s mind to date you. I wasn’t sure you knew until you started lying to us about where you were going… and Boyd… I finally asked Pearl about him and whether or not you knew. It was the day of your birthday. That night, I was going to do it, and I chickened out. I… I went for the other spot on purpose, and then freaked out- Master Ez rescued us. I felt so guilty, like I was raping you by omission. And then you came back to us… broken... and wouldn’t let us touch you. Then I knew you knew,” Ezra sobs out, the pain in his voice doesn’t delight me like it does when I hear it in someone else’s. It tears out my heart and incinerates it.

“I didn’t avoid your touch because I blamed you, Ez.” I tightly squeeze his hand for comfort and support. “I’d screwed Wil after the tent incident. He picked me up, drove me down this very road. We’re almo
st to the spot where we pulled over. I crawled into his lap and had sex with him. I guess you could say I’m an idiot. I think I’m in love with him and he doesn’t love me back.”

“
What does that have to do with you not wanting us to hug you?” Ez asks in a hurt voice.

“It wasn’t about you or Cort. I’m ashamed and guilty, and I feel stupid that I fell for it. All this shit with me, it’s about my mom. The harder I fight it, the more I turn into her. I like hiding in the shadows, the dark clothes, and the piercings and tattoos because it is me- it’s something that is individual that she can’t take from me.”

“I can understand that better than you can imagine. I look like my mom on the surface, but… people don’t see what they don’t want to see. If you really look at Cortez and me side-by-side… yeah… I look like my dad with my mom’s coloring. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing them stare back at me. When I look at the love of my life, he looks like me. Cort tells me he loves me and I want to throw up from the guilt. How can I say I love him when I lie to his face every single day?”

“And when you can’t take it anymore… that’s when you let go and fall asleep?”

“Yes, that’s when I beg them to take over. Since we’re being honest, sometimes I lie. Sometimes I say it’s Ezra or Master Ez, but it’s really me- us. Sometimes I pretend I’m asleep when Ezra is in control and I tell him to do bad thing so I can get away with it. Like punch Cort or scream in my mother’s face or hurt Marc. Master Ez is the only part stronger than I am when I’m whole. He can shut me down in an instant. Sometimes… sometimes I’m not sure which part of me is the real part. Is it me, me right now? I can feel them both, which means I’m whole. But is that who I really am? Or am I supposed to be Ezra or Master Ez?”

“Holy Fuck, Ez,” I sigh.

“So I walk around in a fog, mentally fighting myself. I see you mentally fighting yourself. And when I see your brother do what he did this afternoon, it makes me want to show them what it’s really like to be me. On my eighteenth birthday, I will become the Holden… and I’m scared of what I’m capable of. If Boyd hurts you again, I’m scared of what I will do to the Spencer family as retribution for their behavior. And Master Ez, he’s all about balance and punishment.”

Ezra’s shivering so badly that I worry he’s freezing, but it’s his nerves that shake his hands and chatter his teeth.

“Faith, if this is me now, what will I be like when I have the power to really hurt people?” Ezra’s terror makes the words sound strangled.

“I won’t let you hurt anyone, Ez, I promise. But if they deserve it, I’ll be by your side doling out
the punishment. Do you know what this game needs?”

“What?”

“A referee,” I say with conviction.

“God, yes,” the relief in Ezra’s voice is humbling.
“Because when they finally take Cort from me, he will be my enemy and I don’t want us hurting each other.”

“Oh, Ez,” I cry, never realizing that that is exactly what will happen. I hear Wil’s giddy excitement as he says that the game has never split up a partnership- he’d meant Ezra and Cortez.

“You and I, we will be enemies too if we don’t procreate to end the game,” Ezra despondently says. “The timer is ticking down to my eighteenth birthday. If they can’t get a kid out of me by then, it doesn’t count. I’m not in play once I sit in control. I’ll make the plays, but I’m not allowed to be a part of it. And no offense, Faith, but I’d rather shoot six people in the skull than have a kid with Meyers’ blood- game over.”

“I’d rather shoot six people in the skull than admit I have Meyers’ blood flowing through my veins. I’
m with ya, Ez. So that’s why the old fucks are still in control. Gwen can’t take granddaddy pimp’s place until she’s done whoring. She must be trying to make me another sibling with someone. It’s why Boyd won’t take over for Henry until Gretchen’s knocked up.”

“
It’s also why Fate doesn’t have to screw her brains out. She’s already sitting pretty. My family is the only one they haven’t nailed down yet.”

“Fontaines,” I add.

“Yeah, your baby sister is waiting on a cute little boy named Dalton. That’s already over before the kids even were born. The gay Holden is the wild card- and you’re the only one in the game who can bag me and make it count. So keep your eggs to yourself.”

“Pfftt,” I scoff. “Who says I want your mentally challenged offspring coming out of my snatch?”
I teasingly push at his chest.

“I’ll do it, though
,” Ezra says with a seriousness that frightens me. “Boyd was right. I love you like a best friend, Faith.” He flashes me a sad smile and kisses my forehead. “If we need to save you, I’ll do it.”

“What?”
My voice cracks because I know exactly what he’s offering.

“It won’t be the end
of the world if we do it. You’ll just help me track down every Fontaine of breeding age and we’ll play keep-away with anyone with your blood.” Ez gives me a sly smile, like he thinks that angle would bring a new level of fun to the game. I giggle at Ez and he joins me with a hearty laugh.

“Wil told me that the Elders are scared of me.
” I can’t keep the cockiness out of my voice- I feel like a total badass. “I think Wil has it wrong, they better cower in fear of you.”

“They are,” Ez’
s arrogant laughter is filled with pride. “Petrified.”

“Well, this is an easy enough fix. I’ll just never have sex with you,” I tease.