Faithless (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (67 page)

“Oh, yeah,
who am I? You tell me, Grant, Who. Am. I?” I challenge, getting into his face.

“You. Are. Not. Gwen,” he slowly and firmly enunciates each word. “You don’t even know her, yet you attempt to turn yourself into her. I don’t freakin’ get it. If you didn’t want to be her, why are you acting like the person you think she is? Change your appearance all you want
, and say it’s because you don’t want to be her. But then you fuck anything with a dick. You seduce your friends and the people that care about you, really care about you. That is a contradiction in the extreme. Do you know who you are running from?”

“Fuck you,” I shout into
Grant’s face, our noses brush we are so close. Both of us are incensed and frustrated. 

“Yourself,” he spits against my lips. “You are running from Faith. If you really want to know what Gwen is like, ask me, ask Stanton. We’re the ones who really knew her. You definitely don’t look like her anymore. Your personality, the real Faith’s personality and this Syn-creature you’ve created, is sarcastic and funny and abrasive in a cute way. Your mother is none of those things. Your seductive skills aren’t because you are a tiny, gorgeous woman. It’s because we want to give you what you want because we love you. Your mom, she could seduce the religion from a nun without bringing sex into it. You are not Gwen. Your name is Faith
, and you are my friend. I will not sit idly by while you wreck your life because you are pissed that Wil won’t give it all up and pick you above all others. You wanted him to beg you, and when he didn’t, you acted out. Admit it,” Grant bites out.

That hurt, and that hit the fuck home- yeah, it’s
all about Wil. Isn’t it always?

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, trying to back up and get away. The hea
dboard traps me, making it so I can’t avoid this confrontation with Grant. I feel panicked- an animal caught in a snare. 

“No,” Grant barks out. “Apology not accepted. You will not stop this intervention from happening. You hit on me once, and then since respectfully behaved
. You can’t keep testing your friends, especially with sex. It’s wrong. Testing Stanton was the worst.”

“I had to know if he wanted me
!” I scream at Grant. I’m angry, not because Stanton said no, but because I needed to see if he wanted to say yes. No father would ever want to say yes.

“You know he didn’t want you like that
, Faith,” Grant’s disappointed voice shrivels something vital inside of me. “You were just acting like the whore you think you are.

“Bullshit, you
weren’t there!” I shout, refusing to admit how ashamed I feel. 

“So what?
It doesn’t matter if I was there or not. I know Stanton- I know how pure his love is for you. Yeah, my love for you isn’t pure, but even I can behave. You need to learn that
want
and
have
aren’t the same- you can
want
something and never
have
it. I’m hard right now- excited after what I saw- because I am a man, but I sure as hell won’t
have
you. I’m twenty-five, so I’m always hard,” Grant growls at me, thoroughly offended. “It doesn’t mean a damned thing!”

“But Faith, she doesn’t know the difference between
want
and
have
,” Grant pissily mocks. “I come home to find my best friend assaulting the girl I want to take care of. You can look at it any way you want, but Dexter is a grown man, and you are still a kid- it was assault. Put yourself in my place, how would you have felt if you were me, and walked in to find Dexter’s whip handle fucking your teenaged cunt. Bad, Faith, that was really fucking bad… and so damned wrong!” Grant screams into my face, the reverberation makes me flinch. The back of my head hits the headboard- hard.

“I was loving it!” I spitefu
lly say. “I was going to cum!”

“I call bullshit,” Grant barks a humorless laugh. “You were punishing yourself. We both know that you weren’t going to find release,” Grant knowingly says. “You were doing what you thought this Syn should do. I know you’re horny, but really? You’re just being destructive. Let’s rewind to the beginning, shall we?”

“No, I say let’s not!” I obstinately growl, and Grant ignores me. A menacing smirk twists his lips as he gives me a moment to calm down so I will listen.

“First of all: I going to say this, and I’m only going to say this once. You are almost seventeen. You want to be an adult. You have a job, your GED, and you try to live on your own. Inside your head, you are some kind of badass assassin whore. But in reality, you are just a fragile little girl
who is hurt and lost her way. If you want to be an adult, then grow up and act like one. You don’t want to be a whore, then don’t fuck anyone as repayment. You don’t want to be your mother, then don’t act like her. You want to be an individual, then quit emulating everyone else and be yourself. Don’t. Let. Them. Win.” Grant slowly enunciates each word. “Fight!”

I stare into the warm, sad, blue eyes of one of the only friends I have left, and I realize how badly I’ve fucked it all up. I could make excuses and say I’m just a kid and we make mistakes. But Grant is right, I’m turning into what they want me to be- into what I fear the most. I hadn’t even realized I wa
s doing it. I hear Wil saying during our second meeting, after I was late, that I have responsibilities, and I have to be responsible for my actions because they always affect other people.

“I get it. I just don’t understand it,” I murmur, completely bent out of whack.

“That’s where I come in to play. I do understand. Here is some insight you need. Let’s go back to the very beginning and work our way out of this shit hole of pain. Will you listen?”

“Yes, please help me. I need your help, Grant,” I shamelessly beg. Grant looks at me with a soft expression. He sits on his behind, no longer towering over me in an angry state.

“Wil: you are a teenage girl in a very bad game. Wil had answers you wanted. He fed you bits and pieces. He intrigued you. He made you feel important. He made you feel like you shouldn’t be together, which made it all the more intriguing. You fell victim to this ploy, like every woman on the planet would. It’s a bad idea to have sex with someone you are falling in love with, emotions erupt. I know you’re attracted to him. I know he’s attracted to you. I know you half-assed trusted him. The night you had sex, you
did
trust him- and you orgasmed. A few days ago, he came back with his tail between his legs, wanting to be your buddy. So you brought emotion into it and tested him, too. He failed your little test when he didn’t drop to the ground and beg. So you will continue to test him. Correct?”

“Yes,” I whimper in defeat
, realizing how unfair I am being. If I say I want Wil as a friend, then I need to stop shoving him into that fucking Prince Charming box.

“The boys: let’s be honest. You aren’t attracted to them and you don’t want them. You’d rather play video games than have sex with them. The more sex you had, the less you liked it, and the more yo
u hated yourself . They are your friends for a reason, because they
are
your friends. Yet you were with them because you felt the pressure of the game and the need to repay their friendship with sex. It’s bad, Faith, very, very bad to be with your friends for that reason. And look what happened, you won’t even speak to Cortez now. You’re angry because he’s acting like a teenage boy who is confused. You’re angry because he is hurting Ezra with his promiscuity. Yet,” Grant hisses, “You are being as promiscuous and reckless as Cortez.”

“I’m not the love of Ez’s life,” I defend.

“So?” Grant arrogantly says. “This isn’t a competition. And just as having sex isn’t about your fuck-buddies, Cort fucking around on Ezra isn’t about Ezra. Cort needs help and so do you!”

“You’re right,” I reluctantly admit.

“I know I am,” Grant says without arrogance. “Caleb: Stanton and I have been waiting for that to move towards sex. It would be only natural to have sex. It would be because you’re the same age and like one another. But you see each other as sibling. I can accurately bet on something, something Stanton is worried about. And I will warn you now, but you’ll do it anyway,” Grant sighs as if there is nothing he can do.

“Do what?” I whine.

“It would be wrong to be with someone because they don’t want to be a virgin any longer. I know Caleb will come to you before he leaves. You think you are a whore, and you will take everyone’s innocence is to prove it to yourself. You will do that to hurt yourself. When you do have sex with Gunner, make it a one time thing, and make it all about sex- nothing more- no emotions, no punishments, no guilt, no shame, no remorse. You both deserve better than that- make it about pleasure.”

“
I… we… he doesn’t see me like that,” I stutter out.

“
Sure,” Grant flippantly says like he doesn’t believe a word out of my mouth. “You don’t know how to deal with platonic love or unconditional love. You think you have to repay it with sex. You would never have touched Tom like that,” Grant says and I wince as if struck.

“Because he was my daddy, he had to love me. I… I don’t have anything to offer Stanton besides my body,” I
pitifully admit.

“Why do you think you need to repay Stanton with anything other than respect and affection? Why do you think you owed the boys anything except mutual frien
dship? Why do you think you owe Gunner sex for his friendship? You do this because you don’t know your worth. You can lie to yourself and let the lies flow from your mouth. But deep down, you are the one that believes she is a whore and worth nothing more than what you can offer with your body.”

“How do I… I don’t know… how do I repay them? I don’t deserve it. There is no reason they should help me if I don’t give them anything in return.”

“Oh, Faith, that is so not true,” Grant sadly says. He looks at me with pity and remorse, as if looking at me causes him physical pain. “Your friends, family, lovers- the people who love you, they don’t expect anything in return, and if they do, they aren’t worth your time. I am your friend because I’m your friend. It makes me sick that you see so little in your value. Stan loves having you around, seeing you and Bianca together. He sees you and Bianca as his daughters.”

“I’ve
apologized to Stanton… and groveled my ass off. I regret that two second mistake as much as he does. It wasn’t the first time we’ve kissed on the mouth, just the first one that wasn’t affectionate or a goodbye. He knows I didn’t mean it- that I’d take it back if I could.”

“I know, Stanton and I have talked about this at great length,” Grant says
. He sighs heavily, as if switching gears. “Dexter: you walked in and watched him for a bit, I bet. You got high off of the sadism-feeling it stir your blood… and you were playing a role. You thought it was the natural progression- the fuck. It’s not true. If you are really a sadist, you will find that high through the act. Your satisfaction comes from your submissive. Dexter. Promise me you will never sexually touch him again.”

“Why?”

“Because he is my best friend and I don’t share!” Grant bellows. I flinch back in shock, head hitting the headboard again with a loud thump.

Deeply breathing to calm himself, Grant finally says,
“I know I fucked up with our massage. I shouldn’t have told you that I am waiting for you to become an adult. I know this motivated you to test me. But you will not disrespect me with Dexter. You touch him again, and you will regret it. Promise!” Grant shouts.

“I promise,” I vow
, voice faint and unsure.

“
In the future, you will need him. Dexter will help you with your desire to hurt and cause pain. You never touch your mentor. Your mentor is neither your friend nor your lover- they teach you. Never mix the two. That is why what you did with him was so very wrong. You both will get release through the sadism. You won’t need sex- if you really are a sadist, it isn’t about sex.”

“How do you know this stuff?” curiosity is thick in my voice.

“That is for another conversation,” Grant gruffly says, door closed on that topic.

“Faith, you have to find a path in life. You have to find your worth- something that isn’t attached to anyone in your life. You need an outlet. You need to take pride in yourself. You need to not have sex for a very long time. It’s unhealthy for you- it makes you feel bad inside. Study somethin
g, exercise. Just, please, do not feed this… demon… you have growing inside of you. If you don’t like who you are, reinvent yourself to be who you want to be. I just can’t sit by and watch you self-destruct. If you want to repay Stanton and my kindness, get your shit together and behave. We all have a lot of people counting on us and we can’t all worry about you. You’re quest to be a martyr actually makes you a liability. We need
you
by our sides!”

“I get it. I fucking get it,” I strongly say, my voice breaks from the emotions that overcome me. “How… how do I… how do I know when I
’m ready for sex?” I stumble over the words. “I thought I was. I thought I wanted it. My body is screaming for it.”

Grant’s warm chuckle fills the room. His body quakes beneath his laughter. “Oh, Faith,” he sighs. “You are precious.”