Faithless (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (90 page)

I bawled my eyes out when Zane’s hair started to grow in when he was three months old, because my daddy lives on in my only child. Boyd, Torian, and Zane all share those bouncy curls. Whereas father and son cut their hair just above their ears, Zane won’t let me trim his hair until it grows past his shoulders. 

Zane’s personality is all his own, to the point that I don’t understand him most of the time. Introverted and introspective, he keeps to himself. We spend many hours just listening to the other breathe, where no words are ever spoken. When Zane does speak, you see that he has the mind of a forty-year-old man. It’s as creepy as it is endearing.

Torian is Zane’s only friend, because he wants it that way. Most of the time, I don’t know how they even get along. They have nothing in common. Torian is smart, but outgoing. He is two years older than Zane, and already being flirty with the little girls. Torian goes to public school because Gretchen demanded that he goes to the school she works at, but in reality it was to annoy Boyd. Zane goes to a special school for those gifted in the areas of math and science- Zane says he wants to be a doctor, a mix of what his mom
ma, daddy, and dad do for an occupation. I told him to do what makes him happy and forget about the rest of us fuckups.

Zane and Torian have no mutual school, friends, hobbies, or interests, but they gravitate towards one another. I can feel their bond, but it isn’t
a familial bond- it’s through the game.

Both boys know of the game. I don’t believe in sugarcoating anything. Living the life we lead, it would have been difficult to hide it. There are nights when every member of the boys’ family disappears- how do you hide that?

I found out about the game at fifteen, and it was difficult to understand. Slowly, as to not frighten them, we told them everything… and that is when they bonded, because before that, they didn’t get along. Torian and Zane are the heirs to several families. If something were to happen to Gwen or Ezra or Boyd or Fate, one of them would take their position.

I felt like a horrible parent telling the kids, but it was better than the alternative- a group of people invading your home and telling you that you had a position to fill and a duty to uphold.
I would know. It’s what happened to me. It was the day my life changed- the day I met Wil. It’s best to just be truthful.

Torian and Zane sit in the meetings, and at my discretion, I tell them to leave when it gets nasty. If they are going to survive to adulthood, let alone live a long and prosperous life, ignorance is not bliss.

“Hey, cotton swab,” I tease my son about his tall, ghostly pale body topped with a mass of white curls- he hates the nickname.

Zane is patiently sitting on a stool in front of our telescope. He is enthralled- captivated. Our apartment has a wall of windows, perfect for a snoopy kid. The telescope is the one that Stanton and I used to play
spot the criminal
on the roof of our old building. The telescope is in a new building, a new part of town, and has a new game,
spy on Dad
.

I tried to remove the telescope from Zane’s bedroom because he is obsessive- like ten hours a day obsessive. The only time he threw a temper tantrum was when I dragged the telescope into the living room, and it was an Ezra-style tantrum. I then installed drapes. I came home the next day from work, and Zane had thrown all the drapes away, and the telescope was back in his bedroom- after that, I let him spy on his father. I could never negotiate with Ez, I had to manage him. It’s the same with Zane.

I blame Ez for the telescope.

Two years ago, Ezra bought the building across the street, renamed it The Edge Building, and created a business called Edge Publishing for Cortez, and he uses a floor as his private apartments and a floor for his therapist office- all on the side of the building facing towards us. Why buy the building across from your child’s home, I have no idea. Does anyone know why Ezra does what he does? No, because Ez doesn’t even know why he does the things he does. 

I do know it was on purpose. No blinds, no obstructions- Ez makes sure Zane can see him at all times within Edge. This begs to differ with Master Ez’s stance on Zane. To this day, he says Ez and Ezra do not know about their son. Yet, why don’t they close the blinds? 

Years after their torment at the hands of Raymond Hunter, Master Ez was in complete and total control of his mind and body- Ezra didn’t exist. Zane had a father- while half a man, he was one hundred percent there for us. I’d never seen anyone work as hard as Master Ez. He graduated college and then medical school in less than three years. Ez said he understands the mentally unstable better than the rest of the doctors in his field, because he is mentally unstable- no one could argue that point.

Then the day came that wrecked our lives- the day Ezra took over. We’d survived Ez taking his seat as The Holden, and Cortez taking the seat of the Meyers’ enforcer, we’d survived the vote that made Ez and Adelaide get engaged, but one vote rocked our lives. Pearl wanted her daughter to get married… to Cortez. Ezra burst up from his seat, broke everything he could get his hands on, and ran out of the meeting like a lunatic. A twelve-year-old mind with the ability to make plays, and the money to ruin people, ran into the night. We didn’t see him for weeks- none of us did.

Things calmed down, Master Ez regained control over Ezra, and they decided to play nice, and they gave us Ez back. It had been six years since any of us saw Ez- the whole Ez. It was always either Master Ez or Ezra, because they fought it and put whoever wasn’t in control to sleep. Somehow they found a happy medium, where all their needs were met.

While they got along, they still liked to hurt their other half- and didn’t care who got hurt along the way. Ez’s way of self-punishment, I believe. Master Ez decided he needed an outlet, and Marcus gave him one. Training with the whip wielding, Wicked, otherwise known as Dexter. Ezra rose to the surface and did what he’s always good at- he threw a tantrum- a tantrum to hurt Cortez. Yet another
on purpose
, Ezra arranged it so that Cort would walk in on an intimate moment between him and Dexter. I always thought Cort was selfish, but he proved it by the way he retaliated. Cort ran to Marcus. The man who refuses to touch Ezra because he is a man, ran to another man’s arms.

… and that is where we are at today. Ez, whether Ezra or Master Ez or the whole Ez, fighting with Cort and Marc. They butt heads constantly. While I’m happy that the conflict has had a positive impact on Ez’s mental state, meaning he is whole ninety percent of the time, Zane is without a father.

I always knew Zane would only have half a father. But I didn’t realize what it would mean if Ez integrated his personality. Zane has only seen his father from a distance in the last six months.

“Stop thinking sad things,” Zane quietly says, eye still attached to the telescope.

“I wasn’t thinking anything bad,” I poorly deny- the kid is like a human Geiger counter for emotions.

I wander around Zane’s room while we enjoy our usual silence. It’s comforting to be able to feel connected to another human being without the use of worthless words. Zane’s behavior says I’m a good mom. Actions speak louder than words isn’t just a saying, it’s truth.

Wil has OCD, which is great on the job, but in the house… it sucks. Then you go into Zane’s room… my son takes it to a whole ‘nother level. Zane was tested for Autism and Asperger’s syndrome. When they said he was normal, I laughed. I knew nothing was wrong with him, per se… but this is not normal. His toys are organized by type and color for Lord’s sake. Zane just says he likes to control his environment.

This makes it fun to live together- Zane and Wil organizing, Bianca leaving chaos in her wake, and Stanton and I going to work to get away from them. Aunt Amelia is a lucky bitch; I wish I lived next door.

“Regale me with tales from
The Edge of Insanity
,” I tease as I sit on the carpet by his feet. I know better than to sit on Zane’s bed. Mustn’t muss up the covers- he’ll stop what he’s doing and fix them… while you’re still sitting on them. I call sitting on the floor versus the bed, Z
ane Management
.

“The usual,” he mumbles back, that’s about the length of all of his sentences. He’s rubbing off on me. I don’t talk very much anymore either. Wil is stoic and Stanton only talks lectures. With Bianca in Las Vegas, it’s going to be very quiet around here.

I stare at Zane’s perfect feet and fight the urge to touch him. Even as a baby he would get fussy if you touched too much of him at once. They called it sensory overload. At ten, you have to ask first, and move in slowly. He will hug and give a kiss or two on the cheek. But there is never any cuddling. It’s why I seek Torian out for the affection I want to give Zane. This behavior was why I had the specialists test him for syndromes. I was relieved nothing was medically wrong with him, but scared shitless that these behaviors were symptoms of a bigger problem- mental illness. Master Ez said that you can’t diagnose anything until he is an adult, and that I shouldn’t worry. Master Ez said it was just Zane’s personality. I hope he’s right, because I’d rather look at Zane’s perfect feet and not touch, than deal with insanity in the future.

“Give me something,” I say, inching a fingertip until I touch his pinky toe. His foot flinches, but he doesn’t pull away.

“Dad had six clients today, but he spent a lot of time in his office at E.P. with Cortez. They went back to their apartment, and had a huge fight.” Zane looks down at me, brushing his hair from his cheek, and frowns.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I know something is bad when he presses his foot near my hand, needing the touch for comfort.

“About two hours ago, Dad punched Cort. They screamed- it was obvious that it was screaming. Cort then dragged a suitcase out of their bedroom closet. He shoved a bunch of clothing in it, and then left. I watched Dad cry until he disappeared into the bathroom.”

“Did he come back out?” My voice breaks from fear. He’d be selfish enough to do it- he’s already unhinged. Ez wouldn’t be the first man in my life to commit suicide.

“Aaron went in the bathroom, and Roarke is now in the kitchen cooking something.”

“I’m sorry you have such shitty parents,” I apologize for the life I bore him into.

“Having married parents and living in a big house doesn’t guarantee you’ll be happy. Look at Uncle Boyd and Aunt Greta- Tori’s miserable.”

“I’m working on that, too,” I grumble, feeling responsible for all of our bullshit.

“That’s not what I meant. Dad is… Dad. But I like my life how it is. Don’t go messing it up because you don’t think it’s good for me. I have you and Daddy and Grandpa and Grammy.”

“I’m sorry you miss your Dad. Is that why you watch him constantly, are you trying to feel closer to him?”

“No,” Zane says so quietly that I have to strain to hear him. “I’m making sure he’s okay. I… I probably should have told you this earlier,” Zane bashfully says, and while beautiful, the blush splashing across his pale cheeks freaks me out.

“I see Dad every night,” he reluctantly admits.

I want to scream
WHAT?
But this is Zane, and I have to be patient and calm, something I suck at, or he closes up tighter than a fist. Also, you can’t ask him questions. You must wait for the answer to the unspoken question. It’s maddening. If Zane wasn’t my son… I can see why people get frustrated with him. If he doesn’t want to talk, he’s won’t.

… As he does now, he goes back to his telescope and doesn’t say a word. I want to pick it up, smash the glass of the window, and toss the sucker eighteen stories to the ground.

“A while ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. I just felt Dad. A few nights later, I felt it again, and I tried to wake up. I felt my hair get moved off my forehead, and then a goodnight kiss. The bed dented when he sat next to me, when I woke later he was gone. So I started to track it- the times. I set my alarm and watched him. Dad would get up and leave his apartment, and he’d be gone for a long while. I guess he went to ShadowHaven. He’d come back, go in his bedroom for five minutes or so, and then he’d walk across the street. When he entered our building, I’d get back in bed and pretend to sleep. Dad always stays for exactly two hours, and then he does the kiss goodnight and leaves. It’s like clockwork.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whine, my voice cracks from the betrayal.

Surprisingly, he answers, “I didn’t want you to stop it. I was checking on something.”

“On what?” I try my luck at another question.

“They feel different to me- Dad does. I can
feel
him- in here,” Zane points at his temple. “The Dad I remember from when I was growing up was cold inside my head. Once, he felt red-hot before he was cold again. When you told me about his DID, it made sense to me. This Dad, the one that visits me and night, and rubs my back while I sleep, he feels warm in my head. He’s like the hot and cold mixed together- I… I can’t explain it.”

“It’s Ez that visits?” I unemotionally ask, frightened that he won’t answer me. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t. This is one of those questions that I could see myself losing patience and lashing out at Zane.

“That’s what I was checking out,” Zane quickly says, hopping off his stool. He pads over to his desk. “Close your eyes,” he demands, and I do.