Fakebook (13 page)
Authors: Dave Cicirelli
November 19: Update from the Road
I've spent a lot of my nights awake, staring at Kate.
Honestly, at this stage of the game, I have no idea how it's going to pan out. Long-term relationships were never my strength, but I always did my best to treat women well. Even though I feel bullied into this situation.
And this situation WAS forced upon me.
As much as I like have the best “how did you meet?” story of all time, I can't help but hold a little resentment towards her.
I mean, if you separate yourself from the story for a moment, its crazyâ¦right? Because she's Amish, everyone gives her a pass on unusual behavior, and we all just consider her an innocent. That's really not fair to me.
If she was just some girl, and not some Amish girl, following me would be considered CRAZY. Not kooky, but crazy. She may be crazy. I barely know her. But I do like her. The first few days were somethingâ¦
Elizabeth Lee
I understand you're going through some stuffâ¦and that I obviously do not understand this journey you're onâ¦but stop saying this was forced on you. You always have a choice. You obviously want to be where you are, or you would be home. Anyways, stay safeâ¦and NY misses you.
yesterday via mobile
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Joe Moscone
No doubt your current situation is unique. But who am I to say what you should do with this girl; I likely could not pick an Amish out of a lineup of Orthodox Jews, let alone begin to understand her culture/lifestyle and what she's bringing to the table that you're so infatuated with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, but don't lose sight of the fact that you embarked on this journey for yourselfânot her or anyone else.
yesterday via mobile
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Graciela Meza
I have to agree with Elizabeth that none of this was forced on you. I believe people do things they want to do and let things happen that they want to happen. I guarantee that if an unattractive smelly Amish girl wanted to follow you, you would have found an effective way of telling her no.
Sorry Dave. No matter what happens, you have my ear, let me know if there's anything you need.
yesterday via mobile
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Matt Campbell
I love this adventure.
yesterday via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Graciellaâ¦exactly how shallow do you think I am? Seriously. You seem to have an excellent read of exactly how shallow I am.
19 hours ago via mobile
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Joe Lennon
Who said she was unattractive?
19 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
BTW, Joe. I think you misunderstood Graciella. She's saying that IF she was ugly and smelly, I would have found away to turn her away. Don't worry about it, art school friends are often nearly illiterate. She is correct, however, about my stance on ugly and smelly people.
17 hours ago via mobile
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Graciela Meza
Speaking of nearly illiterate, my name is spelled with one L.
17 hours ago via mobile
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Elliott Askew
Besides really enjoying following your adventure your experiences have shone light on just how different men are from womenâ¦I think that the great majority of women posting serious comments have expressed negative opinions on almost everything you have been doingâ¦
Or maybe it's just that the loud minority leaves a greater impression on me. It's been very interesting thoughâ¦Not to say that all the guys have been supportiveâ¦But it just seems like we get what you are trying to do to a greater degree.
I support everything you are doing Daveâ¦And I believe that all of the obstacles you have faced and will face in the future are really essential aspects of the experience. Keep it up man. We have your back.
16 hours ago via mobile
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Elliott Askew
PSâ¦I don't plan on posting anything serious for a whileâ¦I just felt like throwing down the gauntlet and getting this sex war startedâ¦
16 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Bros before Hos.
16 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Gettin some love at dinner. Going to head to some sports bar to meet friends of hers. She makes friends quick. By comparison, once again I'm confronted with the possibility that I may not be as charming as I thoughtâ¦but who could be?
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Elizabeth Lee
you look really happy! :) maybe this isn't such a crazy thing you're doing.
2 hours ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Yeah, she's all right. I'm starting to feel a little bogged down though. I didn't uproot myself to settle down.
2 hours ago via mobile
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Elizabeth Lee
Seriously? You're being a jerk! I take it backâ¦this whole thing is crazy then.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Elizabeth Lee
I cannot even believe you'd say that. I'm really pissed off.
about an hour ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Hey! Don't make me the bad guy here. I didn't invite her along, she invited herself. I'm supposed to be living in a tent, and stretching my cash supplies a hell of a lot longer than I can support it now. I'm going to have to get a job soon! Listen, she's a sweet girl, and I feel responsible for herâ¦but this was thrust upon me. I'm taking responsibility, but I never made a commitment, so cut me some slack!
36 minutes ago via mobile
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Terrance J Riley
You are like a “punctured bicycle on a hillside glistening,” lol. Your girlfriend is beautiful; Congrats on that.
24 minutes ago via mobile
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Elizabeth Lee
She is beautiful! Appreciate what life has brought your way! And yeaâ¦maybe it is time to get a job! Get back to real world! I am cutting you no slack, grow up. You took yourself there, you intruded on her life! You've allowed her to stay with you. You have chosen this.
18 minutes ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
And Terence, I think even Morrissey hasn't covered this situation yet, haha. Maury has. But not Morrissey.
17 minutes ago via mobile
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Joe Moscone
Wait is she hitchhiking with you or is she pregnant? Because it's my understanding that we're talking about the former, in which case you owe her nothing at all.
You did NOT intrude on her life; don't listen to that crap your “friend” is spewing. You were “sentenced” to stay there in her community, it wasn't a choice. And even with your obviously limited charm, to herâliving that lifestyle and with her upbringingâyou're like Don fuckin' Juan! (And she doesn't even know who he is!!) That's on her, not you.
Go about your travelsâ¦live your lifeâ¦and make the most of this awesome experience however you wish. Plus, regardless of her beauty, the baggage this girl will bear for years and years to come isn't anything you want to deal with. Shit, if/when her people catch up with her, if you're there, you're going right back to shoveling horse shit! Not worth it.
5 minutes ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Joe's right! I can't be held responsible for HER feelings. I mean, listen. Elizabeth, you blew this up and attacked me. I was fine seeing where this curve in the road takes me, but your judgment and Joe's points are making me take a hard look at this. I left NY for reasons. I wanted to re-center myself as a person and as an artist.
SHE intruded on my plans. Forget whatever fairytale visions you have Elizabeth, a cute “how you met” story is no reason to avoid taking a hard look at this. She followed me, and that, frankly, is a little crazy.
She had the poor judgment to follow the drifter who vandalized her farmhouse. I'm not sure why I'm obligated to cover her mistakes.
Man, this got me angry when before I wasn't. I have some thinking to do.
3 minutes ago via mobile
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Joe Moscone
Atta boy! Write her off as collateral damage and move along on your journey.
just now via mobile
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This was a comfortable place to keep things, but not for long. If it were a different time of year, I might have maintained this status quo for a while and have the controversial “it couple” continue to live off Fake Dave's unspecified cash reserves for longer. But tonight was the night before Thanksgiving, and it was a great opportunity to expand my audience.
I was convinced that many people simply hadn't noticed Fakebook on their news feed yet. The same qualities that might make a YouTube video a hit don't make a Facebook profile go viral. In fact, a cornerstone of Fakebook's appeal is that it's
not
meant to be theaterâor at least not meant to be perceived that way. It's supposed to be real events happening to a real personâand the audience isn't supposed to think of themselves as one.
It's engrossing to watch a guy get in over his head with an unexpected girlfriend and to follow his constant pattern of sabotaging any chance at stability, but a crucial part of that appeal is that it's none of your damn business. To post a comment is to admit you are looking.
I'd noticed that as people's interest in Fake Dave and his adventures deepened, their discretion also grew. Fakebook, in many ways, was a ripe staging ground for old-fashioned gossipâand tonight, when everyone got together to catch up on each other's lives, I safely guessed there would be a lot of gossiping.
Dave Cicirelli
Some of our friends from town are throwing Kate a going-away party. Yes, they actually called it “Kate's” going-away party. Women are just not taking my side on this one.
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Joe Moscone
You're not foxy enough to have parties thrown in your honor. (And, no, your own birthday bashes don't count.)
5 minutes ago via mobile
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Dave Cicirelli
Joeâ¦You clearly are not aware of my genetically perfect teeth.
less than a minute ago via mobile
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I got them back on the road, hiking west along highways as my audience traveled east, back to the shore.
“Jeez,” Ralph said as he finally pulled in to the train-station parking lot. He gave my Unabomber disguise a look. “You look like hell. I thought you were a bum.”
“Thanks, Pops.”
“Come on, your mother's waiting.”
“Whose fault is that? I was out here for like half an hour.”
“I was at the liquor store.”
“That's some good parenting, Ralph.”
There's another reason I didn't bring Fake Dave home with meâone unrelated to the integrity of the Fakebook social experiment, but entirely related to the Fakebook hoax. At the end of the day, despite all of the rationalizing, I knew I was lying. I was lying every day, over and over again. But it was abstract lying, so most days I could pretend it didn't count.
To walk around Red Bank, however, and come face to face with people who had shown me nothing but supportâthat was too aggressive, too personal. I didn't have the stomach for it. I'd leave that task to Ted and Steve.
Before I saw my mother, I saw her handiwork as I entered the house: a hand-drawn sign on the living room chair that said “NO CLOTHES ZONE” with a little drawing of a shirt crossed out in a no-smoking-style circle. In the long-standing “dirty clothes go in the hamper” stalemate in the Cicirelli marriage, that chair was the floral-printed Gaza Strip.
