Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, "Found" Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts (30 page)

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“Disclaimer” by David Means. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC. Originally published in the
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“I CAN SPEAK!” by George Saunders. From
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Some Instructions to My Wife Concerning the Upkeep of the House and Marriage, and to My Son and Daughter Concerning the Conduct of Their Childhood
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“One Thousand Words on Why You Should Not Talk During a Fire Drill” by Mark Halliday. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in the
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“Problems for Self-Study” by Charles Yu. From
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“Permission Slip” by Caron A. Levis. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“How to Become a Writer” by Lorrie Moore. From
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“The Dead Sister Handbook: A Guide for Sensitive Boys” by Kevin Wilson. From
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“Interview with a Moron” by Elizabeth Stuckey-French. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Single Woman for Long Walks on the Beach” by Ron Carlson. From
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“My Beard, Reviewed” by Chris Bachelder. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“The Varieties of Romantic Experience: An Introduction” by Robert Cohen. Reprinted with the permission of Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., from
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To Assume a Pleasing Shape.
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“Iconographic Conventions of Pre- and Early Renaissance: Italian Representations of the Flagellation of Christ” by Rachel B. Glaser. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
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“The Human Side of Instrumental Transcommunication” by Wendy Brenner. Reprinted by permission of Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, from
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“Class Notes” by Lucas Cooper. First published in
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“Dear Stephen Hawking” by Samantha Hunt. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“National Treasures” by Charles McLeod. From
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“Discarded Notions” by Matthew Williamson. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
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“Star Lake Letters” by Arda Collins. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Life Story” by David Shields. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“Instructions for Extinction” by Melanie Rae Thon. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing company, from
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“Will & Testament” by Matthew Vollmer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in
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“Letter to a Funeral Parlor” by Lydia Davis. From
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“Acknowledgments” by Paul Theroux. Copyright © 1979, 1980 by Paul Theroux. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC.

“Primary Sources” by Rick Moody. From
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“About the Typefaces Not Used in This Edition” by Jonathan Safran Foer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in
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“The Index” by J. G. Ballard. From
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by J. G. Ballard. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.

Copyright © 2012 by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer

All rights reserved

First Edition

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Book design by Ellen Cipriano

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Fakes : an anthology of pseudo-interviews, faux-lectures,
quasi-letters, “found” texts, and other fraudulent artifacts / edited
by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer. — 1st ed.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-393-34195-9 (pbk.)

1. American prose literature—21st century. 2. Creative nonfiction.
3. Counterfeits and counterfeiting in literature. 4. Found objects (Art)
I. Shields, David, 1956– II. Vollmer, Matthew.

PS659.2.F35 2012

818'.609—dc23

2012013070

eISBN: 978-0-393-34606-0

W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

500 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10110

www.wwnorton.com

W. W. Norton & Company Ltd.

Castle House, 75/76 Wells Street, London W1T 3QT

1234567890

1
By the time the reader receives these documents, the undersigned will have already have been dead for some hours. Though the undersigned has taken some necessary precautions to prevent body spoilage, the reader should act quickly so that the last wishes of the undersigned might be met.

2
The undersigned has decided to eschew the tradition of referring to a female executor as “executrix.” Therefore, as the undersigned uses it, “executor” should remain neutral.

3
The reader should also know that the undersigned is composing this in between answering phones, making copies, addressing envelopes, and entering data concerning the promotional materials of the A. J. Forsythe investment firm, and while the cube in which he works seems an appropriate environment for the last day of his life (photos of a dog, a boy, and a party which are not his, a half-eaten chocolate bunny in the top desk drawer, and a placard, slapped on the forehead of his monitor, that reads
SPOILED
ROTTEN
!
), it is not the best environment in which to compose, and the document may be riddled with errors and inaccuracies. Hence, the undersigned begs the reader’s pardon should these last wishes be untranslatable.

4
Guilt, the undersigned believes, is for the damned.

5
Executor will find supplies, as well as wardrobe (which can be either worn by executor or donated to Goodwill), in bedroom closet of the deceased.

6
In the event that Mr. Charles Christopher refuses to make good on his word, the deceased’s body, fully intact, should be delivered to the nearest medical-research facility. In this case, Mr. Christopher shall not receive said antique Ouija board, regardless of how much begging Mr. Christopher performs, and the board shall be ceremoniously set aflame.

7
“Arrangements” here simply means that the undersigned spoke with the biology teacher, Mr. Eric Yancey, who led the undersigned to believe that, after death, his bones would be welcome, if they were thoroughly sanitized and disinfected—though he could make no promises.

8
See schematic no. 1 on page 2 of a notebook, which will hereafter be referred to as the “Appendix,” and which can be found inside the aforementioned locker in Terminal D of the LaGuardia Airport.

9
The addresses of these women, who have most likely forgotten the undersigned, are available on page 3 of the Appendix.

10
Names and addresses of said companies available on page 6 of Appendix. Vials can be found in the fridge of the undersigned’s apartment.

11
This box, measuring 8 x 8 inches, which he purchased for an unbeatable price at Box Town, can be found in the top cupboard of the undersigned’s apartment, above the stove on the right-hand side.

12
See Section IV.A, in which Ms. Davis’s voice is put to good use.

13
Or was made to swallow, as the undersigned’s sister is wont to believe.

14
E.g., does this tie match these slacks?, will it rain today?, and, will X call me back?

15
Ms. Gonzalez should know that, ideally, should she accept the collection, Dusty Springfield’s
Dusty
in
Memphis
and Schubert’s
Winterreise
might be played—alternately—on the thirtieth of October, the anniversary of the undersigned’s death.

16
Obviously, this would be done
before
the lamps are delivered to the ten women.

17
The undersigned has kept a list of persons who share the same name, or a slight variation thereof. This list occurs on page 12 of the Appendix.

18
The names of the acquaintances appear on the backs of the photos. Addresses appear on page 13 of the Appendix.

19
The undersigned’s mother, coincidentally, died of kidney failure before he was old enough to remember, in any organic way,
her
face.

20
The apartment, though quite small, boasts a view of the avenue, and if the executor looks closely, s/he will find constellations of the undersigned’s fingerprints upon the sliding glass door. Though the undersigned knows no view can save us (we must save ourselves, be saved by others, or, if the executor believes in God, be saved by her/his God), he endorses said window as a place for contemplation. In fact, the undersigned stood there when the idea of this will and testament struck him, just as he stood there when he opened the Manhattan phone book and began to recite the names of potential executors, and as he leaned his head against the cool pane, he imagined the potential executor entering the apartment. He imagined this executor startled by the lack of furniture, the sweet, slightly sour odor of garbage—imagined the executor drawn toward the portable radio beside the window, a radio which will have been purposely left on as a kind of hospitable gesture, a kind of “welcome home” for the executor. The executor, of course, can turn the radio off, as said radio will be, most likely, playing a song the executor has heard before. The undersigned expects that the executor is someone who, like himself, has heard it all. However, the undersigned hopes, and indeed believes, that the executor will keep on singing. The executor, he expects, will have a beautiful voice, as all voices are beautiful when singing—especially if they sing, as the undersigned thinks the executor might, slightly off-key. Perhaps, the undersigned thinks, he will hear this same voice when he descends this evening into the streets, on the way to his unmarked tomb, where his body will exhale its last breath and begin to fade.