Fall (35 page)

Nobody in this store had a night or morning as fun or dirty as I did.

Did they.

Everyone’s quiet.

Everyone’s plucking oranges and meat for houses full of bellies.

Can anyone see what Fall and I did this morning. Can anyone smell how much I’ve lived.

Excuse me, what’s the difference between the big onions and the small ones.

Size.

I see.

I’ll get William a big one.

I’m picking an onion for William.

I am in this store.

I am on my own.

Fall’s far away.

School’s far away.

Dad’s far away.

William’s on a highway.

I’m on my own.

I love it.

I’m gonna look this old guy in the eye.

Hi.

Hello.

How nice was that. A light went on in him, flick.

I’ll buy a big tomato.

William lives in his car because he has too many stairs.

His neighbour’s playing the piano.

I’m gonna open this door and Fall’s not gonna be there.

So here it is.

It smells like an onion and William and things I know and don’t.

I can hear the neighbour’s piano.

So here I am.

I’m feeling something.

I’ve got some cleaning to do.

Maybe people wash the sheets.

He didn’t tell me to. She didn’t tell me to.

There’s one of her hairs.

She was here and we were naked.

I feel sore in my chest and so much closer now she’s far away.

I don’t remember that plant.

William’s coins and his tie clip.

Those are my feet getting hugged by the rug.

I don’t think we made that stain.

I’m touching the counter and looking at this room.

Something happened here.

I can’t hear the neighbour.

This is me alone.

I will never eat a breakfast that I have to clean up.

I will never wash another frying pan.

I will eat glue before I eat another egg.

I will never touch steel wool.

I’m not gonna smoke so much.

It’s cleaner than it was.

I’m gonna leave the eggs and the onion and tomato on the counter to show him I bought them and I’m generous. That’s a huge fuckin onion.

I should write him a note.

Something happened here.

William, I can’t tell you.

William, I can’t tell anyone.

The flower in my throat.

It’s mine.

I’ll go like a ghost.

I’ll go like a ghost leaving eggs, onion, tomato.

I’ll go back to school and I won’t need to tell anyone about any of it.

Fall is with her mom.

She’ll tell me what she wants.

My feet are on this rug.

Coat.

Bag.

Smokes.

I’m gonna catch the bus.

I’m gonna see it at the end of that street.

I’ll run beside the cars.

I’ll run beside myself and say Go faster, I’ll race you, I’ll win.

I’m running.

Writing was made possible thanks to the generous support of the Conseil des arts et des lettres du Québec. Great thanks to Jaclyn Moriarty, Barbara Berson, Nicole Winstanley and colleagues at Hamish Hamilton and Penguin Canada, Sarah McGrath and colleagues at Riverhead, Robin Robertson and Alex Bowler at Jonathan Cape, also to Darlene Dessureault and colleagues at the US Embassy in Ottawa. Special thanks and affection to Douglas Stewart at Sterling Lord Literistic. And everything to Suzanne Hancock, my green eyes up ahead.