Fallen Desire (7 page)

All I can think about is what I’m going to tell her.  I don’t know what to say.  That I love some stranger and that I desire Derrick at the same time.  That I have no clue where all these intense emotions are coming from?  That I’m insane and have no control over my sex drive when I’m around either one of them?  There’s no way I can say that to her.  She would think I was crazy.  I do hate keeping this all to myself though.  If I did share it with her, maybe she could help me understand my feelings and maybe even reassure me that everything will be fine and I’m not crazy.  She does want to help.  While sipping our tea I try to gather my thoughts but I’m having a hard time with what I should say and where I should start. 

“So Lindsay, go ahead and start giving me the details.  I need to know what’s going on with Ethan and you and what happened yesterday.” 

I look over at her and I see that she’s waiting patiently.  “Well, I’m not sure what’s going on with Ethan.  This might sound crazy, but when I’m around him, Kim, I feel like everything else disappears.  He’s all I can see, feel and smell.  I know it’s insane, but I can’t help it.  I don’t know anything about him.  I don’t know where he comes from or who his family is and most importantly I don’t know who he is.  Even though I don’t know him well enough, I still can’t help but want him every time I’m near him.  Please don’t say anything to anyone, but I almost feel like our souls belong together.  I ache for him when he’s not around, and when he is around I don’t want to let him go.  I dream about him and the dreams are so vivid that once I wake up I can still feel his presence.  I just feel so lost because I don’t understand any of it.”  Please don’t have her tell me I’m crazy and that I have completely lost my mind.  Her expression is somewhat reassuring; at least she isn’t busting up laughing at me. 

“Wow, those are some intense feelings,” she says.  “In all honesty, Lindsay, I don’t think that you’re crazy for feeling that way towards a guy.  I truly believe in love at first sight, but I have to ask why did he leave you and why did you go out with Derrick yesterday if your feelings for Ethan are so strong?  Most importantly, you have to ask yourself if it’s love or just infatuation.  I mean, I saw him at the party, he’s undeniably gorgeous.”  

“That’s the thing, Kim. I’m not sure anymore.  He left me that night and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.  He disappeared in the middle of some heavy making out; I have no idea what I did wrong.  I was so hurt and lost, I couldn’t stay.  I had Derrick bring me home.  I was hoping to hear from Ethan and get some kind of explanation as to why he left me there alone but he never called.  Yesterday I had to get out of the house, he’s just who I called.  The strange thing, is that even though it hurt me when he took off with no explanation, I don’t even care if he ever tells me why, all I care about is seeing him again.”  I look at her hoping she doesn’t question me further, because I don’t fully understand why I’m feeling this way.

“Why Derrick, though?  I mean, I know that almost all the girls think he’s hot, but you always seemed to give him the cold shoulder no matter how much he flirted with you.  He showed interest in you the first day you came to our school.”  I was really hoping I didn’t have to explain Derrick to Kim as well but it looks like it’s too late.  Nothing gets by her. 

“I’m not sure why I chose Derrick to call, but spending the day with him hiking was an experience I won’t forget and can’t avoid.  He’s amazing, Kim.  Being with him is so easy, and his presence just lights up a room, as you know.  It is true that I never felt this way about him before but for some reason I do now and I don’t know why.  I don’t know what’s changed.  It’s different than what I feel for Ethan, though.  With Ethan I can’t stand to be apart from him.  My heart desires him, and my body craves him.  Derrick, on the other hand, has this pull over me but only when he’s around me.  When he touches me, I don’t want him to let go and all I can feel is him.  It’s like he has this quality about him that’s pure and loving and just draws you in.”  I struggle to explain myself, “But when Derrick isn’t around, I don’t really think about him or at least the idea of Ethan overshadows him.  It’s Ethan that I can’t stand to be without.  I feel like I’m going crazy, Kim.  Here I am, seventeen years old and falling in love with two people, I don’t know why this is happening so fast.  I mean aren’t you suppose to get to know the person really well, date for a little while and then have hot steamy make out sessions and fall in love?”

“Hold on! Are you telling me that you and Derrick made out yesterday?”  Kim is off the stool and standing up facing me with a surprised expression on her face. 

“Um, yeah I guess.  I mean, yeah.  We went for our hike and ended up kissing just inside the woods.  But it ended differently than you might expect.  He was so overpowering, and all I wanted to do was indulge myself in his presence.  He had this pull over me, I didn’t want his lips to leave mine, at least until I thought I saw Ethan.” 

“You mean, Ethan was out there, too?  This is too much Lindsay!  I thought you said you haven’t seen him since the party,” she challenged. 

“Well, actually I’m still not sure if Ethan was actually out there.  When I thought I saw him I pulled away from Derrick because I was caught off guard.  I’m not sure if I was just seeing things out there or if my mind was playing tricks on me.” 

She huffed at me, “I don’t really know what to say.  You’re definitely moving really fast.  So are you sitting here because Ethan still hasn’t gotten in touch with you?  Are you not sure how you feel about Derrick?  I mean almost every girl in school has a crush on him so maybe it is his good looks and his charming ways that are making you think you like him.”  She is right about that.  Every girl in our school wants to be with Derrick.  He’s extremely hot and is probably the sweetest boy in school, but I know that is not why I’m attracted to him.  It is more than that.  If it was his looks, then I would have noticed when I first met him.  “I like Derrick as more than just a friend,” I say.  “My attraction toward him is more than just the normal high school crush.  When I’m around him he makes me feel different.  I feel safe and at peace with him.  In all honesty though, Kim, I’m not sure what I want.  Ethan is almost someone I can’t live without, and I can’t explain why.  I feel like there’s definitely something with Ethan that I need to figure out because why else would I be so uncontrollably attracted to him?  Derrick is someone I want in my life even if we’re just friends.  He’s really good to me, and I don’t want to ruin it with him by moving forward with what we have.  I think for now I’m satisfied with us just being friends.  I really have to figure out what my feelings toward Ethan mean.  I also have to find out what is going on with him and why he ran off the other night.” 

“I think what you need, Lindsay, is to get your mind off of this boy situation and come out with me tonight.  I know this small dance club in town and it’s a great place to just hang out.  It will help you get your mind off of them and we need a girl’s night out.  God knows I need to get out!” 

I don’t know that I’m in the mood to be out and socializing, but I guess it would be for the best.  “Yeah, I guess.  That would be nice.  I do need to do something to get my mind off of everything that has been going on the past couple of days.”  I do need to have some fun without going crazy about both these
guys.  The great thing about having Kim as a friend is that she knows how to have fun and she’s always up for dancing and a good time. 

“Okay.  It’s a date then.  I’m going to head home and get myself put together, and then I’ll meet you back here at 7 o’clock.  Get ready and I’ll drive.”  She gives me a tight hug and turns to leave. 

“Okay.  I’ll see you later, Kim.”  As she walks out the door, I can’t help but think about Ethan.  I want to know what he’s doing right now and where he will be tonight.  I wish I could see him, wish I could know what’s going on.  I shouldn’t dwell on it, but I can’t help it.  If I could just be near him, feel him, and be close to him again, it would bring so much satisfaction to me.  It would put me at ease with this whole mess. 

With him around, the whole world slows down just for us, and I can hear the sound of our hearts beating together.  His presence alone is all I need.  His tall muscular build with those extremely gorgeous and desirable stunning black eyes, I want them to
look into my soul like they have before.  I want to run my fingers through his full brown hair and press my lips to his.  Who knows, though, when I’ll see him again?  I have to concentrate on now and get my emotions together.  It’s 4:30 now, so I’ll take a little nap before going out tonight.  Kim always has me out late so if I’m going to keep up with her I will have to get some sleep before I go. 

Falling asleep wasn’t difficult, but my sleep is.  I have another dream.  I’m standing outside next to the creek again but farther inside the woods this time.  A man is in front of me with his back toward me.  All I can see are his strong but lean tall build, and I recognize his full black hair.  He wears dark jeans with a black and grey Columbia jacket.  I know who it is.  Derrick.  I feel like grabbing him and wrapping myself in him.  I feel so alone after Ethan abandoned me with no explanation.

I just wanted to throw myself at Derrick in hopes that he would comfort me and make me feel whole again.  When he turns to look at me, his beautiful blue eyes are as striking as ever, but something is different about them.  They seem darker.  The expression on his face is dark as well.  He doesn’t look happy and friendly like he always is.  I’ve never seen him like this before.  The one thing I won’t forget is what he said to me before I woke up: “Don’t go near him Lindsay.  He will take a part of you that you will never be able to get back, and even I won’t be able to save you.  I cannot stand in his way.  It is against our laws, but I’m giving you this warning as I don’t want you to be harmed.”  That was all he said before he vanished and I woke up here on my bed.  I just can’t figure out why I would dream about something like that and why I would dream that he said that.  Who is he talking about when he say’s “Don’t go near him,” and what could this person take from me? 

Maybe I need to stop reading into these dreams so much; it’s probably all my stress causing me to have these crazy dreams, but ever since I started having dreams like this about Ethan; they have felt so real.  I can’t help but feel like they mean something.  I know that I can’t ignore them. 

“Lindsay!  Kim is at the door for you.” 

Oh crap, my mom is home.  What time is it?  Seven o’clock.  Oh no, I’ve been asleep for two and a half hours.  “Tell her I’ll be down in a couple of minutes,” I yelled down the stairs.  I don’t want Kim to see that I haven’t even gotten ready yet, and I look like crap since I just woke up.  I have bed head and my mascara is smudged under my eyes.  I have to jump in the shower even if Kim has to wait.  There is no way I’m going out looking like this. 

I pull my hair up into a wet pony tail and put on some jeans and a T-shirt with my black Converse.  I don’t feel like dressing up.  I would rather just go casual.  I’m really not in the mood to impress anyone.  Walking downstairs, I can see Kim standing in the entry way next to the door tapping her right foot impatiently.  Of course she looks ten times nicer than me.  She’s always stunning, and it doesn’t matter what she wears.  Her beautiful blonde hair was made into a small poof of curls on the top her head with strands of curls framing your face.  It is absolutely flawless.  Her large blue eyes are stunning against her blonde hair and fair skin.  She’s wearing a sleek short red dress that has spaghetti straps and barely covers her body.  Her shoes are matching red heels that are open toe, completing her outfit.  Now I just feel like a frump in what I’m wearing.  At least this way she will be the center of attention and maybe I can just blend in a little. 

“Oh no, no way!” she says. “I’m not going out with you when you’re wearing that!  Lindsay, you need to head back upstairs and change and I’m coming with you.”  Before I can say anything, she grabs me by my elbow and almost drags me back up the stairs with her petite but strong hands.  “This is a night of fun and dancing, and there’s no way you can have fun or dance in that boring outfit.” 

As always, she’s very blunt and to the point and doesn’t really give me much of a choice.  She rummages through my closet as I sit on the end of my bed patiently watching her and hoping she will change her mind once she realizes I don’t have anything as nice as her to wear.  Then just as I thought she was going to give up she pulls out this short turquoise strapless dress that I’ve had for a couple of years.  I wore it to a wedding for an aunt that I don’t really know.  It reminds me of a dress that a salsa dancer would wear.  It has three different layers of fringe and they shake as you walk. 

“This is perfect,” she says, “just the dress for you to be dancing in.  Go put it on, and I’ll pick you out some heels.” 

She throws the dress at me and I jump off bed and go to the bathroom to put it on even though I really don’t want to, but I know it will make her happy.  She’s right though about it being a dress to go dancing in.  It would look absolutely gorgeous on her.  I put it on and throw my other clothes into the hamper in the bathroom.  When I walk out, Kim is holding some silver open toe heels to go with the dress.  These shoes are also the shoes that I wore for the wedding.

“You look beautiful,” she says. “See all it takes is a little effort and then you’re absolutely stunning.” 

I put the shoes on and then walk over to stand in front of my full-length mirror.  My hair was still pulled up into a wet pony tail, but it actually looks good pulled back.  Since it is strapless, my hair being up shows off my lean collarbone and neck.  I look more mature all dressed up.  “Thanks Kim.  It really is a nice outfit.  I don’t know what I would do without you.”