Authors: Jolene Perry
Falling (18 page)
Someone needs to give me a good hit in the gut. I’m an idiot. What am I doing to myself here?
I’m an ass for not feeling like this is enough and an ass for lying here wishing I wasn’t afraid to pull her into my arms and fall asleep in her hair. I’m a disaster. And the worst part about it is that I know it. I can feel a horrible end coming, and I’m diving in anyway.
Sometimes It’s Awesome to be Envied by Every Other Guy in the Room
Dana and I spend the next couple of days shamelessly flirting and spending time in my bed, in my bathtub, in my shower, in cabin number five…
It’s awesome. “Real” Dana is on vacation, and I don’t even care. We can’t get enough of each other, and it’s been way too long since I’ve been with someone and feeling like we’ll never get enough of the other.
The crowds start to show up for the weekend, and I worry that everything will change, but whatever’s going on between us gets better. Suddenly I can’t touch her anytime I want. Instead we’re subtle, and every look, or discreet brush makes me know what’s going to happen later. More than once I have to shift my pants, and stand at the stove longer than necessary for things to settle back into place.
When we’re finally alone, it’s as explosive as it was the first night, even though we’re exhausted from the day. And then just like every night for the past few nights, she rolls to the far side of the bed, faces the wall and goes to sleep.
I want to talk to her. To ask her what she expects, what she wants, what this is. But at the same time, I know Boz is right. Dana’s not sticking around. This is for right now, and I really need to relax and enjoy it before it’s over. She came to me asking for no-strings, and I took it.
Her breathing slows, and her body slumps as she falls asleep next to me, and again, like an idiot, I stare at her curves and wonder what it would take to turn our fun into something more.
Brock, the guy who brings me a lot of business, grabs Dana on the ass as she walks by on her way to the kitchen. The guy is a prick after one beer. If you can keep him from drinking he’s a pretty nice, but unfortunately, in his world, beer goes with everything.
I tense up, but Dana doesn’t even slow down. Just when I step out from behind the counter to say something, Dana spins to face him.
“Hey, hey.” She cocks a hip out to the side. “Only Jason is allowed to touch me like that.” Three tables worth of guys look my direction and the room goes quiet.
She turns back toward me, gives me her best smile and disappears into the kitchen, running her hand over my crotch as she walks by. I just laugh and shake my head. They can think whatever they want. If that makes her life here easier, I’m all for being envied.
Boz is a different matter. When I make my way to start dishes, Boz raises a questioning brow. He doesn’t even have to ask. I just nod once and smile.
“And?” He raises an eyebrow.
I turn away and begin loading the washer. He’ll know.
“Even better than you thought it’d be, huh?” Boz sighs. “You’re a damn lucky man, Jason.”
When I step in my room on Sunday night, Dana’s standing in front of my closet wearing nothing but a pair of my boxers. I cannot believe that I get to touch this woman the way I do. Her back is toward me and I stare at the smooth curve of her sides. “You have a lot of clothes in here that I bet you never wear,” she comments.
“Yes,” I say. “I’m glad you didn’t try on anything else.” I start toward her.
She turns around then, giving me full view. “Nope, just these and they’re pretty big. I mean, really they could just fall off.” She pulls the waistband out far enough for me to know she has nothing on underneath.
“I can help with that.” I don’t hesitate in putting my hands on her sides and letting them slide around the back and underneath my boxers. I can’t imagine this ever getting old. Her ever getting old.
The boxers slide off and she wraps a leg around me, which I hold until I’m once again, carrying a very perfect, very naked Dana to my bed. We’re getting along during the day, having fun at night, and this situation is feeling pretty ideal.
Dana’s gone when I roll over in the morning, and I stumble into the main lodge to see her perched on her favorite table. One of her feet’s on the bench next to her, giving her elbow a resting place on her knee. Her glasses frame her hazel eyes, and her lips purse together a few times as she reads on her computer.
She looks both comfortable, and gorgeous and messy all at one. Before I think, I cross the room. Dana doesn’t notice me until I’m close. I sit down next to her, put my chin on her shoulder and slide my arms around her. She relaxes into me for about two seconds before stiffening and pulling away.
Her glasses come off immediately. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s fine.” I press my face against hers and kiss her cheek. It’s not the thing to do.
She seems distant somehow. “I’ll be done in a few.” She smiles a little, but it’s also like she doesn’t see me. She moves her face away from mine.
“You okay?” I ask. I want her to talk to me, to tell me what’s going on with her. We were good all weekend. Really good.
“Yep.” She glances back to her computer. “Just need to finish an email to my dad.”
I stand up slowly and head to the kitchen for coffee. Dana disappears. When I see her again the glasses and sweats are gone. She’s back to a tiny shirt, tight jeans and very smooth and shiny hair. She’s wearing a smirk on her face that tells me what she wants, but I kind of want the girl in her favorite sweats.
I’m so screwed.
DANA
I Have No Idea What the Hell I’m Doing
I agreed last week to go to Anchorage with Jason. Three hours one way. My house is there, and I want to check on it. Also, it might be nice if the lodge had
some
of my regular food. But now that Jason and I are in the car, and not in his bed, or his shower, or cabin number five, it’s…weird. Exactly what I didn’t want.
The car bumps down Petersville road toward the highway, and we ride in silence. It seemed like a good thing for us to do together, until neither of us spoke.
The silence is killing me, and I have to say something. “Thanks for letting me tag along.”
“I’m glad you’re here.” Jason smiles too wide, and I look away.
The silence is stabbing at my brain and making me a bit crazy so I turn on the radio and crank it loud enough that no one feels the need to talk.
This is why Jason and I shouldn’t have started this whole crazy thing. It’s that I wanted him at the time—really, really wanted him. And I swear that I thought if maybe we slept together a few times, it would get him out of my system or something. As the thought goes through my head, I start to realize how stupid it all sounds.
Maybe I should stay in Anchorage, and just hope I’m left alone by the defendant’s family. Or maybe Keith’s right, and it’s time I leave Alaska. The problem is that it feels like Keith wins if I leave, and I’m not at all ready for Keith to win. I’m also not completely ready to leave Jason behind, even though I know I should.
As soon as we pull into Costco, Jason pulls out a two-page list.
“Wow.” I point, feeling this sort of urgent desperation, and I’m not totally sure why. “Will you have room if I buy a few things, too?”
Jason with his wonderfully, perfect, relaxed smile. And me, a ridiculous mess because I don’t know what to do with him now that we’re sleeping together.
“The truck’s big. Get whatever you want. We’ll figure it out.” Jason shrugs.
“Great.” I plaster on a pretend smile. “I’ll pick up my few things and then I’ll find you.”
Jason’s brows come together like he’s confused, and I bolt. I’d probably be confused too, if he was acting as crazy as I am.
I decide I need to surprise Jason, and also tell him thank you without being girl-friend like, because I’m really trying to keep away from that. And then the perfect idea hits me, but I really want it loaded before he finishes so he can’t talk me out of it.
“Finally come to bail me out, huh?” Jason laughs as he pulls two large carts, which are near to overflowing.
“I figured you’d be tired by now. I got you a corndog.” After I took care of everything else.
“Thanks.” Jason takes a huge bite out of the top.
“And a Pepsi.” I narrow my eyes and try to tease, another random attempt to make being around him okay. “I had no idea what kind of soda you like. I just know you like beer, and they don’t sell that at the concession stand.”
“It’s a shame.” He laughs through a mouthful.
“It
is
a shame.” I bump his arm with my elbow, and then a small part of me wants him to stop and breathe in my hair like he does, and clasp our hands together, because I want it, but it all means too much, so I don’t want it.
By the time I leave, Jason will be glad to see me go. I’m driving
myself
crazy.
Jason’s eyes are on mine, once again tightening my chest.
What is he thinking? Do I want to know?
He looks away quickly. “Well, I’m almost done, and then you can show me your house on our way back out of town.”
“I’d love that.” And before I let myself think, I slide my arm through his. Not too weird. We’re okay.
We haul several thousand dollars of groceries and paper products out to the truck. Jason stops when he sees the six large boxes I already brought out.
“What on earth?” He runs a hand through his hair, looking baffled.
“I got you new light fixtures.” I hold in a smile. “I cannot, I mean
cannot
look at those wagon wheels for another weekend.”
“I hate wiring.”
“Well, if you’re too afraid.” I lean in close. “Then I’m doing it. It needs to be done.”
“I’m not
afraid
.” He stops. “You bought me light fixtures?”
“Consider it a thank you gift.” I nod once. “For giving me a place to stay.”
“Dana… It’s too much, I don’t—”
“Just promise me you’ll put them in,” I try to tease, but he really looks sort of overwhelmed. I didn’t mean for it to be such a big gesture.
“Yeah. I will.”
And then I have to busy myself with loading his Costco run into the truck before he and I have some other kind of awkward moment.
Oh. She’s good.
Jason’s phone rings on our way to check on my house. He rolls his eyes as he picks up. “My little sister,” he explains.
I pull up my knees and stare out the window, wondering if there’s going to be any end of my confusion about Jason and around Jason.
“What do you want, Justine?” he answers.
“Hey, Jase!” She sounds
way
too happy, and I realize in close quarters like this, I’m going to be able to hear every word.
“Where are you? Boz said you went to town.” She’s about to ask for something big. Jason and I lock eyes for a moment—we both feel the same thing coming.
“I’m still in town, but we’re about to head out.” He flicks his turn signal, and we start into my neighborhood.
“Oh! Perfect!” She sounds thrilled. “Hi, Dana!” she yells.
Jason cringes away from the phone. “Justine! Warn me before you yell in my ear, please.”
“Sorry.” I can hear shuffling on her end, and a voice say something about a boarding pass.
“Justine? What are you doing?” Only I’m pretty sure both Jason and I know what she’s doing.
“I’m coming to visit you! I just got on the plane!” she says brightly.
“Oh, she’s good.” I laugh.
“Justine
.
Do
not
get on that plane
.
I’m done in Anchorage. I’m headed back out. There will be no one here to pick you up. Do you understand me?
No
one
will be here to get you.” If I’m not convinced next to him, no way Justine is.
“Excuse me, Ma’am?” she asks someone on her end. “Could you please tell my brother where I am?”
“You’re in 21 C,” the woman answers.
“Thank you so much.”
I’m laughing quietly in the passenger’s seat. This is definitely something I would pull.
“Justine. Get off the plane.” Jason’s voice has dropped, but he won’t follow through.
“They don’t let you do that anymore, silly.” I can tell she’s trying not to laugh. “Not since 9/11. You can blame those guys, not me.”
“That was me at seventeen,” I say. “Well, that was me a year ago.”
Jason shakes his head is resignation, but at the same time a small smile is pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Love you,
Jase
! I’ll see you in a little over an hour
.
” And then she hangs up.
Jason throws his phone into the cup holder. “Shit.”
I let myself laugh. “Guess we can take our time at my house, huh?”
“Guess we can.” Jason sighs, but again, I don’t think he’s mad.
My house is done. Perfect. Everything up the way I wanted and picked out the way I wanted done. It looks sterile right now. Clean, and without character except the modern character I put into the fixtures, and flooring, and sparse cream furnishings. Jason and I stand in the middle of the living room, and it’s not… Just not what I expected.
“You miss being here?” Jason asks.
“Not really.” It’s so strange. Before ending up at the lodge, I used this house as my draw to stay, but it no longer feels that way. “I thought I would.” I open my mouth to tell him about how I don’t feel attached to the place anymore, even though I picked all this out. I set up the new layout, and the new trimmings. I looked forward to coming home to this house every day after work, and now I don’t remember why. But it’s all too deep, hitting me in places that are swirling in confusion right now. “It turned out pretty great, huh? I should probably sell it.”
“And do what?” Jason asks.
I turn and face him, realizing how very deep I’m in with him. Right now I want him to tell me that a relationship with no strings is no kind of relationship. That he wants me here, even though it’s the most illogical thing I can imagine. Even though I don’t think I can tell my dad no, and I might not even want to.
My heart swells at the way he’s looking at me, and instead of walking away, I step into his arms. He’s still for the briefest moment and then slides his hands around the lowest part of my waist. Instead of leaning up for a kiss, I rest my head on his shoulder. So much hovers between us, even though we’re pressed together. We’ve set ourselves up for failure with one another, and I hate how that feels.
“I don’t know what this is anymore.” I back away from him and move toward the door, keeping my eyes anywhere but on him.
“It’s okay, Dana. I knew you weren’t staying. I promise you there will be no hard feelings on this end.”
His words sort of stun me. I really was arrogant enough to think that Jason felt more for me than that. That part of him wanted more, even though he didn’t say it. But now… He sounds so sure of himself. That’s all this is. Hooking up for convenience sake.
And the thing is, that’s all I wanted. I wouldn’t have touched him if it weren’t for that arrangement, so why does it feel so callous now?
“So yeah,” I say as I lock the door, keeping my eyes firmly on the keys. “I should sell it and move on.”
I wait for Jason to offer for me to finish up the year with him. Go to Hawaii with him, but he’s silent as we walk back toward his truck.
My eyes fill with hot tears, and I want to slap myself for wanting something that I know right now I can’t have. I’m feeling strange being at my house, that’s all.
“When we get to the airport, you get out. Justine can ride the hump in the middle of the bench seat on the way back.” Jason starts up the truck. “She probably just got mad at Mom and Dad and is going to try and hide out here. I really hate that.”
He doesn’t want me to sit next to him. I’m not sure what to think about anything from today. I don’t want to be weak. Don’t want to sound weak, but I have to ask. “Is it okay that I’m still at the lodge?”
Jason pulls to the side of the neighborhood street, and touches his fingers to my chin. “Of course, it’s okay.”
And a few moments ago I wanted something more from him, and now that I’m getting it, it scares me again. I’ve got some serious damage. I manage to squeak out a “thanks.”
He looks conflicted for a moment, but drops his hand. “You’ll love Justine.”
I sort of do already.
