Falling in Love in New York (24 page)

“An interesting development,” Hannah said, which Abby thought was putting it mildly.

She’d spent the entire weekend holed up in the flat with Erin, devastated. She couldn’t believe that after everything she’d done, and how hard she’d tried to fight it, her memory really was failing. She hadn’t done anything to make it better, hadn’t realised that it was pointless even trying. But to make it worse it seemed everyone else had known that it was pointless trying.

Erin had since admitted that her family had confided that they’d been aware of some ‘blips’.

“They knew you didn’t remember who George Michael was when you got those tickets at Christmas,” she confessed guiltily. “And Dermot mentioned something about your forgetting to put sugar in your coffee, things like that.” She put a comforting arm around her friend. “I noticed a few things in California myself too, smaller things, like a blank look you’d sometimes have in conversation. To us, all these things pointed to the truth but because you were so doggedly determined not to admit there was anything wrong, we just didn’t have the heart to shatter the illusion.”

And although she felt hurt and distrustful, Abby supposed she couldn’t really blame them, particularly when her ‘mission’ had really given her a new lease of life and had finally helped bring about the long-awaited recovery from her broken heart.

Moreover in the last few months she and Erin had been getting on better than ever and she and her family were closer than they’d been in a very long time, and in addition to her quest for unforgettable memories, everyone seemed to understand that Abby was also on a necessary journey of a self-discovery.

After breaking the news to her the day before, Finn had at Erin’s bidding afterwards come inside. The poor guy had tried everything to make her feel better; insisting that as she’d clearly been able to live a normal life up to now, there was really no need to panic or let this awful news devastate her.

While he seemed a nice person–emotionally she just wasn’t able to handle having him around just then, or listening to his sweet but pointless attempts at trying to lift her spirits. Evidently sensing this, he stayed for only a little while longer before eventually leaving her and Erin alone.

“Is it all right if I call back in a few days’ time, just to see how you are?” he asked, and Abby nodded numbly, willing to agree to anything if only to make him leave.

“Just don’t get too upset if I don’t realise
who
you are,” she couldn’t resist saying, but could tell by his face that the words had stung. “I’m sorry,” she said then, “I just – ”

“Hey, no need to apologise,” he interjected with a wave of his hand. “I completely understand. But maybe if you’re up to it, I think it might make things easier if I were able to go through everything that’s happened with you, maybe help you fill in some of the blanks, as it were.” He gave a tight smile. “I’m so sorry Abby, I really was in two minds about having to be the one to break this to you, because even though we don’t really know one another, I wouldn’t have hurt you for anything.”

Abby nodded numbly, wanting to thank him but didn’t think that it was quite the right word given the circumstances.

Now, sitting in Hannah’s purple armchair, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, she looked at the psychologist.

“I can’t believe it,” she said croakily. “I can’t believe that this is really happening.”

“It was always going to Abby, and I know you don’t want to hear it but this was what I was trying to tell you all along.”

Hannah was right, she
didn’t
want to hear it and just then she wondered why she bothered coming here at all just to have the other woman tell her ‘I told you so’.

“But there are also some major positives here. As this guy pointed out, you
have
lived a normal life up to now, better than normal really. OK, so now you know you can’t always rely on your memory for everything, but as it’s only episodic memories you’re losing it’s not the end of the world.”

“Not the end of the world? Hannah, I have absolutely no recollection of ever meeting him before yesterday! And not only that but I
do
remember New York, everything about it except the part about meeting him!”

Hannah allowed her to calm down before speaking again. “Remember, back at our first meeting when I explained the difference between episodic and semantic memories, and I asked you to tell me what you remembered about 9/11?”

Abby nodded.

“Well, let’s use that to try and make sense of what’s happening here. You remember being in New York with your family because you’ve all spoken about it and shared the experience many times since. But, what you actually remember is the semantic version of events, not the episodic ones. And through talking and reminiscing with your family about that time, you reinforced the experience too.”

“You’re saying that my memories of New York aren’t real?”

“Of course they’re real Abby, it’s just your recollection of them that’s the important thing. Tell me, can you cast your mind back now to Claire’s apartment and tell me what colour her front door is, or precisely how the dining table was decorated for Christmas dinner?”

Abby attempted to do so, but to her dismay, she realised that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t actually put herself back in Claire’s apartment. She knew she’d been there of course, but at the same time she just couldn’t remember any of the specifics, other than the dinner, the Christmas presents and all the other things that the family did together. It was weird and very scary, but at least it gave her some idea of what Hannah was talking about.

Then, before she knew it, she started to sob and for a while Hannah let her. She let her get it all out, all the disappointment, worry, and now fear of what the future held.

“Abby, I know it’s hard, but try to take some positives out of this. OK so most of it has faded but at the same time you did in fact retain a lot of that visit to New York, which us tells that your memory can cope through continuity. And as I said, reinforcement is obviously hugely important too.”

Abby sniffed. “I don’t know what that means.”

“Well, by reinforcement, I mean that because your family remembered and made reference to the event, their own recollections of it reinforced your memory. Your memory of it is essentially anchored by theirs. Whereas you appear to have no recollection of wandering around by yourself, because this memory hasn’t been reinforced by anyone else–you were on your own for most of it. The only person that could have reinforced it was that guy you met–Finn is it? Yet by the time you bumped into him, the memory had since faded to nothing and was lost.” She paused slightly, trying to make things as simple as possible. “I suppose it’s a bit like studying for exams. We take in a huge amount of information just for the exam, but unless this information is reinforced, our recollection of it tends to fade over time. It’s not quite the same thing as what’s happening here, because in your case this process obviously occurs much faster, but it’s a reasonable comparison.”

“OK.” Abby nodded but it didn’t make her feel any better. “But I don’t see how knowing this is supposed to help me.”

“Well, for one thing we now know that the quality of your memories are dependent on continuity and reinforcement. And you’ve already come up with the means to give it both of those things.”

“I have?”

“Yes.” Hannah said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “With your diaries and photographs and all the mementos you saved over the last few months. Abby, by deciding to make a record of your day to day life and all the major events as they happen, you’ve actually given yourself the means to hold onto all the important memories and experiences–and ensure that they’re never really lost for good. While we all do this to a certain extent, you’ve actually taken it to another level.”

“I’m still not sure…?”

“Take for example photographs, we all tend to take snaps of important events and celebrations so we won’t forget them, when really there is no rational reason for us to do so. But since the beginning of time, people have sought to hold onto their memories by some other means; it’s some inbuilt instinct of ours as a species. Actually, there’s a huge multi-million pound industry based around that very need. Souvenirs,” she clarified, when Abby looked blank.

“So you’re saying that it’s OK if some of my memories fade away because I’ve saved them somewhere else anyway?”

“I’m just saying that’s one way to look at it. While your memory will inevitably end up losing some things, you also have the means to hold onto the more important ones.”

While, thinking about it like that made Abby feel a little bit better, it still raised some other, perhaps more troubling questions. For one, was this the worst it was going to get, in that she’d be able to retain information about an event or experience for about a week, but unless she’d kept an account of it, it could very well fade away forever? And if so, did this mean she’d have to spend the rest of her life living vicariously through her diaries?

***

June 14
th
,
 
Dublin

It’s hard to believe how close me and Finn have become in the space of just a few weeks.

And while I truly honestly can’t recall meeting him those other times, it now feels as though I’ve known him forever.

Cliched I know, but in this case it’s true.

After a long chat that first (or should I say third!) time we met, he called over a few days later to help me, as he described it ‘fill in the blanks’. 

I’m so sad I can’t remember our day in New York – it sounds wonderful, especially the Christmas tree and the lunch in Central Park. It all comes across like such a fairytale that if I didn’t know better, or trust him so completely I don’t think I would have believed it. Still, I think he’s probably embellished a few things here and there – just to make himself sound better.

Not that he has to try too hard.

But one of the times he came over, he gave me the most awful shock. I opened the door to find him and a huge
dog
at my front door! Naturally I nearly had a heart attack when I saw it, but then, a very weird thing happened.

Catching sight of the dog – which in fairness didn’t move a muscle and instead of barging in and jumping on top of me sat patiently on its hindquarters– I felt an unbelievably strong sense of déjà vu.

“This is Lucy,” Finn said. “You two have met before and I know she’s anxious to make sure you’re OK.”

“We have?” But some instinct deep down told me that there was no need to be afraid of this particular dog, which meant that he must have been telling the truth and that because we’d met before, I knew I could trust this one.

This was weird and more than a little scary.  Like everyone I’ve experienced déjà vu many times over the years but this was the first time there might actually be a real explanation behind it. So while I’d certainly never been as near to any other dog without seizing up in fear, in this one’s company I felt almost relaxed.

Finn kept going on about how the dog ‘knew’ that I was scared of her, which was why she seemed extra gentle around me, and also because she was there when I fainted in St Stephens Green and so was a little overprotective of me. I still can’t believe I fainted in public like that …how embarrassing!

But Lucy the dog is kind of cute, especially the way she so obviously dotes on Finn, and I have to admit I was touched by the way she seems to want to help me get over my fear. The second time he brought her for a visit, she kept coming over to where I was sitting and leaning against me.

“She wants you to pet her,” Finn informed me.

While I wasn’t too keen, I kept thinking about that entry on my list – ‘Face my Fears’ and how it had served me well up to now. So sure enough, I moved my hand down to rest on the back of the dog’s head and gave it a little rub. And as I did, I was amazed (and actually quite pleased) to see her huge tail begin moving from side to side.

Yeah, I think Lucy is definitely growing on me.

So how do I feel now that I know my memory is really banjaxed? Terrified mostly, but as Hannah keeps saying, at least I’ve established some plausible way around it. It is a bit surreal having to take time out every day to keep a really thorough record of ordinary day-to-day things like I’m doing now.

When I was doing it for Vegas and London and everything it didn’t seem so … necessary. But if this is what I have to do to lead a normal life then it really isn’t too much to ask, is it?

And despite what Mum thinks, I
know
I can live a normal life. She, Caroline and the others admitted to me that they had their suspicions over the last few months, but how was I to know that George Michael is an international superstar and that I’d had a crush on him since I was ten? Something I still can’t figure out because when I googled him recently, I thought he looked like some kind of ultra-tanned, Greek waiter!

But who knows? Maybe he sings better than he looks? I’ll find out when I go to the concert later in the year. I
have
to go now, seeing as Claire and Zach went to so much trouble to get the tickets.  Anyway Erin is a big a fan too so no doubt she’ll be happy to go along with me.