Falling in Love in New York (8 page)

“Exactly.” Hannah looked pleased that her patient was getting it. “Procedural memory is extremely durable, episodic not so much, which is why most of us can’t remember learning how to walk or recall specific memories from early childhood. But in your case, because of the damage to the hippocampus, its durability is even worse.”

“It was so weird,” Abby said, shaking her head at the peculiarity of it all. “It really was as if I’d been playing the piano all my life. I just sat down in front of it, and my fingers seem to know exactly what to do.”

“That’s because they did know. Abby, in a way I’m glad something like this has happened.”  When she looked at her wide-eyed, Hannah held up his hands in a gesture of apology. “Forgive me, but what I mean is that it’s a useful way to help you understand the nature of your injury and how your memory function works.”

Abby didn’t know what to think. This was supposed to be a
good
thing?

“Well, I’m sorry but I just don’t share your enthusiasm,” she said flatly. It was really happening wasn’t it? No matter how much she tried to tell herself that the damage might not be so bad, and that she might be OK, there was no now denying that there really
was
something wrong.

“Abby, little things like this will be par for the course from now on,” Hannah said gently. “Some things you’ll notice, others maybe not but either way you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that because of the damage, your memory will no longer function the way it used to.”

After a brief pause, Abby sighed. “Well, as you say as long as I can live a normal life, I suppose I could put up with forgetting a few small things here and there.”

When Hannah didn’t reply immediately, her eyes narrowed. “What?” she asked fearfully. “What am I missing?”

“Abby, episodic memory is only a small part of the way our brain stores memories and any changes, however small, in the way it works merely confirms the damage to your hippocampus.” She paused before continuing. “I’m sorry but what happened yesterday is just the beginning.”

Abby realised that over the last few years, she barely had a memory–good
or
bad–that didn’t include Kieran.

He’d been there for her graduation, smiling proudly along with her parents as she stood on the podium to accept her accountancy qualifications. She’d taken her very first plane ride with him, her hand tightly clasped in his as the plane sped up and took flight. They’d had their first foreign holiday together, he’d been at her side for Claire’s wedding, and also when her dad suffered a heart attack and died a few years back.

Now, all those wonderful memories were tainted. In fact,
all
of Abby’s memories were tainted so really, what did it matter if she ended up losing them?

“That’s such a depressing attitude,” Caroline chided, one evening not long after incident at her mum’s house, when she invited herself over to Abby’s flat.

Since the accident, her older sister had been unbelievably attentive, to the point that when Abby came out of hospital she’d insisted on staying over for a few days to ‘look after her’. And as having hyperactive Caroline around at the best of times was enough to drive most people insane, Abby had declined.

“To be frank, I think you need to stop moping around and letting this whole thing get you down,” her sister scolded now. “For goodness’ sake Abby, when’s the last time you got out and enjoyed yourself–really enjoyed yourself? It’s no surprise you can’t find any good memories, because lately you haven’t bothered creating any!”

Abby stared, stung by the vehemence in her tone. “Was I that bad?” she asked croakily.

“Yes!” Caroline exclaimed. “And I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you but I’m your sister, and I really think you need to hear this, have needed to hear it for a while and God knows I’ve held my tongue long enough.” She looked away, and her tone softened. “Look, I know you were at the wedding–Kieran’s wedding.”

At this her heart hammered in her chest. “What? How could you possibly…?”

“It doesn’t matter how I know, I just do.”

Abby wanted to die of mortification. To think that she’d somehow been spotted …

“Look, I wasn’t going to say anything before, but I really think I have to now. Abs, there’s no going back. You need to forget all about Kieran and start getting on with your own life.”

“You think I haven’t tried?” Abby cried, wounded. “You think I’ve
enjoyed
spending every waking minute of the day thinking about him, and most nights crying over him?” Then she stopped short, realising that she’d just admitted this out loud. God, now, Caroline would think she was pathetic, a complete idiot…

“Hey, it’s OK,” Now Caroline’s tone was soothing. “I can only imagine how hard it’s all been for you. But Abby, the truth is that you haven’t really tried to move on. And you refuse to let any of us help you. Erin tells me you’re always crying off on nights out, or even small things like a couple of drinks after work. Before this accident, you seemed to spend every waking minute of your time working late in the office, and you hardly saw or spent time with any of us until mum’s birthday
.
” She turned to face her, her expression remorseful. “Abby, I’m sorry and I know you’re still hurting, but you have to realise that Kieran isn’t coming back.”

“I know,” Abby replied, her heart breaking all over again at having to hear someone say it out loud. “I know that.”

Caroline sat up straight. “OK, so here’s what I think. And you might think I’m crazy,” she gave her a sideways glance, “but I reckon that blow to the head might have been a wake-up call–something to remind you how much you’re missing out on life. You said yourself that everything in the run-up to the accident isn’t worth remembering anyway,” she added lightly. “So now’s the time to do something about that. Lets go out on the town this weekend–just the two of us! We can go out for a nice meal somewhere and have a good old gossip and a bit of
craic
.”

Abby bit her lip, an all-too-familiar thought intruding. “Oh, I don’t know Caroline, you know what I’m like with restaurants and everything…”

Her sister rolled her eyes. “Why let a tiny thing like that hold you back? Look, we don’t have to go anywhere ‘weird’, just to a normal burger place like
Captain America’s
or something? See, this is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. I don’t think this ‘thing’ of yours has anything at all to do with food; I think that you’ve been falling back on any excuse at all to prevent you from getting on with life without Kieran.”

“That’s not true!”

“Are you sure?” her sister said, eyeing her. “When’s the last time you went out somewhere without him? To a movie or a concert, or even as far as a bloody shopping centre! You were so used to being part of a couple it’s almost as if you’ve stopped remembering how to function on your own–and that has nothing to do with your head injury by the way.”

“That’s not fair!” Abby exclaimed, hurt.

But of course it was. Caroline’s assessment might have been blunt, but deep down Abby knew it was correct. She
had
forgotten what it was like not to be part of a couple anymore. She and Kieran had been together so long and done so much together that since the split, she’d almost felt as though one of her limbs had been hacked off.

Caroline was right; these days she didn’t even go to the supermarket, preferring to order her weekly shop online. And a movie or a concert? Abby wouldn’t have the confidence to go somewhere like that on her own, let alone get ready for a night out on the town with anyone other than him. Instead, she’d retreated into herself, stopped enjoying her life, and had put it on hold. And for what? As Caroline had so painfully pointed out, Kieran wasn’t coming back. She’d seen that for herself at the wedding.

So perhaps her sister was right. Perhaps she ought to get on with living her life and instead of using her injury as an excuse to retreat even further into her shell, she should in fact, look at it as a wake-up call.

“You’re right,” she said determinedly. “I’m not going to sit around any longer and let life pass me by. I’m going to go out there and start enjoying it–while I still can,” she couldn’t help adding.

“That’s what I like to hear!” Caroline grinned. “To be truthful, I’ve wanted to say all this to you for a while, wanted to try and buck you up somehow. But at the same time,” she continued gently, “I know it’s been hard.”

Abby gave a watery smile. “It has, but you’re right. I can’t keep going like this. Thanks for being so honest.”

“I’m sorry I had to be. But I couldn’t sit by and watch you waste away like this.”

Well no more, Abby decided determinedly.

From now on everyone was going to see a
very
different girl to the one who had locked herself away from the world, terrified to experience all it had to offer. From now on, Abby was going to forget all about Kieran and her old ways, and instead get out there and grab life with both hands.

***

Following this, a few days later she arranged to meet up with Erin.

Her friend had only recently returned from her girlie weekend in Dubai, and as Abby made her way towards their arranged meeting spot–a cosy pub just off Grafton Street, she thought again about how long it had been since the two enjoyed a night out together.

Erin had been trying to arrange something like this for months before the accident, but as usual Abby had come up with a barrage of excuses not to go.

Caroline had been right; she was lucky to have any friends left at all with the way she’d behaved over the last while. Since her sister’s pep talk Abby had thought a lot about her life and her actions in the run-up to the accident, and she’d realised that even though she’d done her utmost to keep people at bay and out of her life for the last while, they’d still rallied round in the aftermath of her diagnosis. And she was grateful for that.

So no more hiding away, from now on, Abby was going to ensure she saw as much of other people as possible, starting tonight.

She reached the pub, a popular place that also served good (normal!) food, and once inside, saw that Erin had already arrived.

“Hi there,” she said, standing up and giving Abby an effusive hug. “You look great!”

Abby raised a self-conscious hand to her head, and through her horrible, shorter hair. “I don’t think so,” she said softly. Although it had started to grow back a little more, it would likely be years before she could be happy with it again.

“Well I think it’s very trendy,” Erin insisted, evidently trying to make her feel better. “What’ll you have to drink?”

“Just a Coke thanks,” Abby said smiling at the lounge girl “Doctor’s orders, I’m afraid,” she explained ruefully, when Erin looked crestfallen, “but you go on ahead.”

“You can’t even have one glass of wine or anything?”

“Not for the moment, no.” The doctors had put her on painkillers for the intermittent headaches she’d been experiencing since the accident, but even so Abby was reluctant to do anything that might adversely affect her senses–particularly after the piano incident.  If anything else like that happened, she wanted to be sure she noticed the changes as soon as they occurred. Following Hannah’s advice, she had started keeping a diary of events, but because this highlighted just how depressing and uneventful her life was at the moment, she wasn’t being particularly diligent about it.

“Oh well, you don’t mind if I get something stronger?”

“Not at all, go right ahead.”

“OK, I’ll have a glass of white wine then,” Erin said to the lounge girl who promised to send a waitress over to take their food order. Abby who had eaten in this particular pub before and so for once didn’t have to worry about what the food was like, ordered a lasagne, one of the very few ‘exotic’ foods she liked.

“So how have you been since you got out?” her friend asked when the waitress had taken their dinner order. “Are you feeling OK?”

“I’m OK,” Abby said, not yet ready to confide in Erin about the piano incident. As far as she was concerned it still didn’t necessarily mean anything, so she wasn’t going to make a big deal of it. And seeing as Teresa had hardly left Abby out of her sight since, she really didn’t want someone else worrying and fussing over her. “I feel perfectly normal.”

Erin looked down and bit her lip “Well I still feel really guilty.”

“Oh no, please, don’t …” When visiting her at the hospital, poor Erin had been hugely apologetic, convinced that she was the one who was to blame for Abby’s accident.

“But it
was
my fault you were late for work in the first place, wasn’t it?” she insisted. “If I hadn’t kept you on the phone, banging on about Dubai …”

“Don’t be silly, as I’ve said before of
course
it’s not your fault. It’s just one of those things, that’s all.”

“Yes but it was my fault you were rushing and– ”

“Erin please, don’t do that to yourself. It was an accident, nobody’s fault. If anything
I
should have known better than to walk under that ladder. OK, so it might be superstitious but there’s also a very good reason for it,” she said with a grin. “It’s just not safe.”

“So how is … everything now?” Eric glanced surreptitiously at Abby’s head.

“Truthfully? I’m OK.” Abby didn’t want to admit that she spent practically every waking moment worrying about it, and every night lying awake and thinking about what else could happen. “The doctors want me to keep a diary of everything that happens from day to day–see if I notice any changes. I don’t know what to expect, really.” She tried to sound offhand, unwilling to confess to her friend that she was absolutely terrified of what might happen.

“But you’re feeling all right?” Erin probed again.

“Well, I get the odd headache now and again, but other than that I feel right as rain. Anyway, forget about me,” she said brightening. “How are things with you? Was Dubai fabulous?” Then she frowned. “I’m sorry but I have to say you don’t look very brown, which isn’t like you.” A fervent sun-worshipper, Erin usually turned a deep shade of mahogany following any exposure to the sun.

“Oh, the weather wasn’t great actually,” Erin said dismissively.

“Really? I thought it was always hot and sunny there.”

“So did we,” her friend groaned, before launching into a full-scale report of the girls’ recent trip–a trip that by rights Abby should have been on too. “But the shopping was amazing and we spent an absolute
fortune
on clothes and jewellery!”

The two girls chatted easily over the next while, and by the time their soup starters arrived Abby had really begun to relax and enjoy herself for what seemed like the first time in ages. It had been yonks since she and Erin had got together for a natter–why on earth had they left it for so long?

But Abby knew there was only one answer to that.
She
hadn’t wanted to face the world, hadn’t really wanted to move on with her life. Instead she’d retreated from everything, and like some weird recluse had refused to confide in anyone just how much she was hurting. But a bump on the head was a pretty good way of waking a person up and reminding them what they were missing, wasn’t it?