Falling Star (52 page)

Geoff grunted. Just what he suspected. Not
all grooms felt the way he did. It wasn't just a function of the
moment. He raised his eyes to stare again at his reflection and had
another first-time sensation. He was looking at a bumbling
fool.

How had he ever let this get so far? Geoff
had always considered himself a competent man. Other men missed the
mark, made fatal life-killing decisions, but never he.

I could always marry her and see how it
goes
, he reminded his reflection, but was immediately
disgusted. Cowardly strategy, that. In fact, just the kind of
strategy he had been employing.

Just the kind that had gotten him so far into
this mess.

Geoff paced the tiny anteroom's worn crimson
carpet. Back and forth. Back and forth.

He knew what his gut was telling him. But
sometimes, he reminded himself, he ignored his gut, if the pain was
worth the prize. But what was the prize here? And what was the
penalty?

Finally he raised his head and met his
brother's eyes. "Do a favor for me?"

Russell looked relieved. Action at last.
"Anything, mate."

"I need to talk to Janet." He needed clarity,
and the only way to get it, taboo though it might be at this moment
in time, was from his fiancee. "Do you know how to get to her
without running into a mob?"

Russell thought briefly; then his dark eyes
lit up. "Yes, I do."

Geoff nodded. "Lead the way.”

*

Natalie sat in the rear of St. Jude's
Episcopal Church, squeezed into the last free space the pew
afforded next to the central aisle, the only spot she could locate
in her superlate arrival. Behind her sat a young Australian mother
with a squalling infant; to her right was a middle-aged American
couple who couldn't stop sniping at each other.

But amazingly, late as she was, she hadn't
missed a thing. The wedding was supposed to have started fifty
minutes ago and still nothing.

"Something's wrong," she heard the female
half of the unhappy couple hiss.

"Nothing's wrong." The woman's husband was
dismissive, which seemed habitual. "The girl's taking her sweet
time. He might as well get used to it."

He's right
, Natalie told herself,
though she felt a guilty excitement at the notion that something
might be amiss. Immediately she forced herself to banish it. Janet
was the primping kind, the not-used-to-deadlines kind—it was that
simple.

She glanced around. Geoff s side of the aisle
could have passed for a TV-news convention. She locked glances with
Rebecca Himada from Channel 6, a young Japanese-American morning
anchor and another of Geoff's clients. She was still in studio
makeup and the pink suit she'd worn on air. Rebecca rolled her eyes
in a "What in the world is going on?" expression but Natalie just
shrugged as if to say, "Nothing at all." Rebecca next mouthed, "I'm
hungry!" and Natalie smiled in commiseration.

The infant behind Natalie set up another
high-pitched wail, its mother attempting futilely to shush it.
"Should've left it at home," the man to Natalie's right remarked,
loud enough for everyone around to hear. Titters erupted. More
people stood to mill about.

Natalie recrossed her cramped legs, a
difficult trick with the kneeler down, then kicked off her
ivory-colored pumps, no more comfortable now than when she'd worn
them for the Hope Dalmont interview. Even her panty hose hurt,
somehow making her thighs feel like sausages squished inside
too-small casing. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, distracting
her at least temporarily from the horror she was about to
witness.

How could Geoff go ahead with this? Weren't
those serious doubts she'd heard him express that Saturday
afternoon at her house? Maybe he was ignoring whatever doubts he
had. That would be disillusioning.
Look on the bright side
,
she told herself.
If he's a coward you don't want him.

Behind her the infant's wail escalated into a
full-out scream. "Let's get this show on the road!" the man to
Natalie's right declared, making zero attempt to be quiet, and
people began chuckling.

The troops are getting restless.
Again
she glanced at her wristwatch: 12:53.

Then a commotion erupted to her left, in the
central aisle, and Natalie glanced sideways to see Geoff, at that
very moment, appear with his brother at the rear of the church. He
stood not two feet away, in black tie, looking strong and sure. A
sort of wave rippled through the crowd, prompting people to scamper
helter-skelter back to their seats.

Natalie felt a crushing disappointment, so
piercing as to be almost physically painful.
It's going forward.
That was just a delay.
Without warning her heart sank from its
usual position to some black hole where hopes she didn't even know
she had got dashed into oblivion.

She clutched her ivory silk purse, her heart
pounding. Geoff and his brother began to walk up the aisle.

Unthinking, Natalie suddenly stood up.
I
can't do this. I thought I could but I can't.
She jammed her
feet back into her pumps and exited the pew, suddenly desperate to
get out of the church before something else happened.

Then something else did, which arrested her
progress. Behind her, just as she crossed the church's threshold,
just as the organist struck up the wedding march, she heard Geoff's
voice call out loudly, "Organist, please stop the music. I have an
announcement."

*

Funny how fast people can quiet down when
they want to. Geoff gazed at the sea of expectant faces turned in
his direction. Nothing like a bit of high drama.

As he gathered his will, a few faces popped
up in the crowd. His mother, whose smile startled him momentarily.
His Aussie surfing buddy Ian, who'd hosted the bachelor party,
looking puzzled. Seamus Dewey, the firm's senior partner.
Scowling.

His gaze continued to travel. Involuntarily,
he searched.
Natalie
. Then he spied her and his eyes ceased
roving. For some reason she was standing in the church's foyer, by
the still-open doors leading to the outside. She was staring right
at him. Their eyes met. For a moment, the several hundred people
around them receded into a kind of unimportant blur.

Then Russell cleared his throat and Geoff was
forced to tear his gaze away. The church was absolutely still.

He gathered his forces. "There is no easy way
for me to put this," he began, "so here among family and friends, I
will just put it straight. There will be no wedding today."

A few gasps, a low murmur.

Geoff continued. "Janet, a lovely woman for
whom all of us have the utmost love and respect, does not wish to
go forward."

Louder gasps. He paused, his mind working.
Interesting that that little tidbit was greeted with such
surprise.

He used the shock wave to look again at
Natalie, but this time what he saw unnerved him. Now she looked
grief-stricken.

But he had to finish. "While the choice is
hers, the fault is mine. I will always hold Janet in the highest
regard for her courage in doing what was right even at this most
difficult moment. Please accept our most sincere apologies for any
inconvenience we caused you today. And thank you for your
understanding."

He bowed his head and retreated a few steps.
Russell thumped him twice on the back. "Good show, mate."

Was it? "It would have been a far better show
never to have gotten this far," he muttered.

He raised his head to look again for
Natalie.

But the space where she had stood was empty.
She was gone.

Saturday, October 5, 5:52 AM

Grateful for the dawn, Natalie threw back the
duvet and rose from bed. Swiftly, eager to leave the house, she
donned shorts, a tee shirt, and running shoes, and embarked on the
three-quarter-mile hike to the overlook at Runyan Canyon. Only the
diehard walkers were out at this hour. Already the air was warm,
with the sure promise of heat.

Natalie maintained a rapid pace, running
shoes crunching on the gravel that lined Mulholland. She thought
back to the prior afternoon, most of which was a blur. She'd
returned to the station after Geoff's aborted wedding and somehow
filled the eight hours until airtime with editing the newscast
script and fending off Ruth's questions. Then she'd anchored the
show and driven home, bypassing Cicada, where she imagined Ruth in
a dither of both irritation and pleasure to find herself alone
sharing a late meal with Jerry Cohen.

Natalie hadn't allowed herself to think much
about Geoff, in part because it seemed dangerous territory. And in
part because her own life was in such a muddle.

She arrived at Runyan Canyon, then after
another ten minutes of hiking sank down on the run-down bench that
overlooked the LA basin. The city shimmered below, white and blue
and blurry in the rising heat.

If I start the web business
, Natalie
thought,
I'll be getting up every day at dawn. I'll be living on
Internet time.

For the first time in all her forty years,
she would be creating something totally new. Truly putting her own
stamp on something.

I just wish I had more confidence that it
would work.

That was one of the big problems. The other
was that she would be leaving TV. Forget about giving up
airtime—that would be tough enough. She would also be giving up the
whole crazy, cockamamie world of television news, which she'd never
stopped loving.

It must be like having a child
, she
thought.
You just adore it, no matter how infuriating it can
be.

And once she was out, she'd be out forever.
It was too competitive a business to allow second chances.

Natalie rearranged herself on the bench and
thought about everything she'd done in eighteen years of television
news. Reporting and anchoring. Mornings, midday, and prime time.
Domestic and foreign. Live and to tape. Ad-lib and scripted.
Earthquakes, mudslides, riots, trials, elections, wildfires, wars,
executions, and in between vanilla days during which nothing much
newsworthy happened at all.

I don't want to give it up. I'm not ready.
Bottom line.

Maybe that meant she was weak. Natalie threw
back her head and stared at the blue, blue California sky. She had
always secretly thought Evie was weak in this regard, being forced
to leave TV and never really getting over it. But then again, she
hadn't really understood Evie until she herself had stood in the
same spot.

Was the news director job the answer? It was
the one way both to stay in TV news and yet branch out in a new
direction. But yes, there too she would pay a price.

Natalie rose restlessly to head back home.
The overlook was crowded now, with hikers and runners and dogs out
for their first walk of the day. She began the uphill hike. What
would it be like to give up airtime, now and forever? Natalie
waited to have an appalled reaction, yet none was forthcoming. What
she most felt was adrenaline coursing through her veins, and it was
at the prospect of running a newsroom.
The best next step for
you
, Rhett Pemberley had said.

Natalie grinned and wiped her brow.
Maybe
so. Maybe all along it's been the business I love, not the
airtime.

Damn good time to find that out, too. None
too soon.

She had a strong sense, as she neared the
home she had shared for a decade with a man who was now long gone,
of life running its course. One thread ends; another begins. Life
moves on. Different. In some ways better, in others worse.

She was so deep in thought, she didn't notice
until she was mere feet away the man who awaited her at her front
door. He rose from the stoop, dressed like her in shorts and a tee
shirt, and her heart lurched.

"Morning, Nats." Geoff smiled thinly. He was
unshaven and looked as if he'd just tumbled out of bed. Or perhaps
never been in it. "I thought maybe you'd gone for a walk."

She felt a bit on guard. "I had a restless
night."

He nodded as if he understood the feeling. "I
left the house early, too. Then I found myself headed here."

She nodded, pleased though still wary. "How
do you feel?"

"Shell-shocked." Almost imperceptibly he
shook his head "I bungled everything."

She held her breath. "What do you mean?"

He continued as if he hadn't heard her. "I
did the right thing, finally, but it was still unbelievably
difficult."

"You mean you think
Janet
did the
right thing?"

He raised his head, a frown creasing his
brow. "Janet didn't call off the wedding."

Natalie felt a shiver of excitement. "She
didn't?"

"I did."

"But that's not what you said at the church."
She realized she was being insistent, but she wouldn't let herself
believe until it was absolutely, positively clear.

"No." He shook his head. "Because the last
thing I wanted, on top of everything else, was for her to look
jilted."

"Ah." Now it was dear. "Ah," she repeated.
She regarded him with fresh eyes. "That was very considerate."

"It was the least I could do. I put her
through hell." He met her eyes. "You, too."

She waited, barely breathing.

He shook his head. "Natalie, I don't know how
to explain what I've been doing the last few months. I have been so
completely fucked up and I have sent you a million mixed signals."
He looked away from her and scuffed his Topsider along the stone
walkway. "I don't know. Somehow I got caught up in all these things
I thought I should be doing. I thought I should get married. Then I
decided I needed X, Y, and Z in a wife. Then I decided Janet fit
the bill." He threw back his head and stared at the sky. "It took
me a long time to realize I was living my life according to some
crazy set of rules I didn't even believe in. But by that point I
didn't know how to stop it. Since when have I done that? It's
nonsensical." He lowered his head and met Natalie's eyes. "Does
this make any sense at all?"