Fallout (52 page)

THE BUZZ QUIETS

Blood pressure drops.

Anger dissipates, ghostlike.

But I’m still just this side

of wasted drunk. Enough

for me to open my mouth

and say, “Did you know

Kristina got pregnant that

night?” I think surprise

should surface in his eyes.

Instead he says,
Actually, yes.

She sort of blackmailed

me into abortion money.

A half laugh stutters out.

“You still don’t get it, do you?

I’m
that baby. And you, quite

probably, are my biological father.”

HIS JAW PLUMMETS

And that alone is almost worth

every emotion I’ve lately

sorted through. “Really.

I mean, hello. Have you

not noticed a resemblance?

Did it not cross your mind?”

His eyes—my eyes—scan

my face.
It never occurred—

I mean, I saw her mom with a baby
,

once. You, I guess. But I thought he—

you—she said—Oh my God.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?

“Why? What would you

have done? Married her and

played house for a while?

Look, I don’t expect anything

from you. My grandparents

adopted me, gave me a great

childhood. Better than you

or Kristina ever could have.

I just thought you ought to know.”

OUR EYES LOCK

Green-marbled gray

to green-marbled gray.

But really, there’s not

a whole lot more to say,

except, “Why did you

come back here?”

He shrugs.
This is home.

My mom died two

years ago, but my dad

still lives in Fernley.

Blood is thick, you know?

He chokes on the sentence.

I have a grandfather

in Fernley. Maybe we’ll

meet one day. Maybe he

listens to me on the radio.

Oh. He’s old. Probably

not exactly an X listener.

Brendan gets to his feet,

and I notice that Montana

and Nikki are standing

a respectful distance away.

Uh, look. This is kind of

a lot to absorb and …

I stand too. “Like I said,

I don’t expect anything

at all from you. So no

worries about blood tests.

I’m an adult, and I can

take care of myself.”

We start toward the girls.

Montana looks wary.

Guess I have to tell

the story twice, huh?

Oh, well. Relationships

shouldn’t have secrets.

Suddenly I notice

Nikki’s stance. She’s

pissed. Maybe even

more than pissed.

Because of what just

happened? It’s all good.

EXCEPT IT’S NOT

Brendan shakes my hand,

takes Montana’s arm, and they

return to the party. I reach for

Nikki, but she yanks away.

She hands me my jacket,

which I left on a chair,

holds out my cell phone

between two fingers,

like it’s poison.
Heard it

ring and thought it might

be important. By the time

I dug it out of your jacket

it had gone to voice mail.

Her own voice crackles.

Sorry, but I went ahead and

picked up the message.

She straightens, squares

her shoulders, and I know

I’m in trouble.
It was from

some girl named Leah….

Autumn
ONE DAY

Until the wedding. One week

until Christmas, such as it will be.

School just let out for vacation.

And there’s so much to do.

Shopping. Manicure. Rehearsal

dinner tonight. More shopping.

Hair appointment. Studio

portrait. More shopping.

I wish I could be excited

about it. But all I want to do

is hole up in my room with a little

borrowed liquor and think

about ways to be with Bryce.

It wasn’t so hard when school

was still in. But this week

will offer many challenges

as far as spending time

together. Sneaking out

when Grandfather passes

out is the only way I know.

PILFERING BOOZE

Sneaking out.

Hooking up with

Bryce for sex.

I can’t believe this

is me I’m talking

about. It’s like I’m

on a runaway train.

I want to jump off

but it’s not slowing

down and taking

that leap would

kill me for sure.

And the wonderful

irony is I used to

think about dying.

Maybe even by my

own hand, if things

turned too, too bleak.

But now I want to

live. Want to love.

Want to be loved.

I have to keep on

riding this train

for that to happen.