Family Affair (18 page)

Jasmine was reading the story with a look of complete confusion on her face.

"What other thing?" Chase said.

"Jacinda caught us in her relic cupboard." Delia poured herself some tea and gulped half of it down.

"Did you find the pinky bone of Jesus?" Chase inquired.

"I don't think so. Why, did you lose it?"

"No, I've been waiting years to go in there. You got a free show and you didn't even care."

"A better question would be what were you two doing in there?" Alma asked.

"Graciela wanted some relic thing that Jacinda uses in her exorcisms. God, I've never been so scared in my life. Jacinda comes flying around the corner, carrying this religious candle so the shadow she projects is huge. I about jump right the fuck out of my skin. Graciela drops whatever she had and screams, 'Run!' and we hightailed it out of there."

"Ugh." Chase rolled her eyes and looking at Delia's story proceeded to circle the word "cunt" which ran through the first page four times.

"Delia, as part of the select sect of women of words, is it really necessary to use the F-word as a part of speech?" Alma asked.

"You do use it a lot," Bo said in confirmation.

"What's tribadism?" Jasmine asked. She tucked her hair behind her ear.

Chase coughed. These sessions reading Delia's work were always a bit of a shock for Jasmine. Alma, it appeared, was either more worldly or viewed the stories in an abstract way. She was interested in the quality of the writing rather than the subject matter. Alma had done wonders for the beauty of Delia's sentences to the extent that they were now almost literary porn.

"Did you realize you used the word cunt twenty-one times in ten pages?" Chase said.

"Really? I had no idea."

Chase handed Delia her copy with the circled words.

Bo had already set to work finding the word as if Delia's short story were some kind of word puzzle. "She's right."

"That might be a problem," Alma said.

"There's a lot of references to pink folds," Bo said, doing his own circles.

"What are pink folds?" Jasmine asked.

Jasmine's lack of knowledge of female parts astounded Chase. Maybe she'd never even masturbated and didn't know where anything was. Her clitoris could be a foreign land. It made her wonder about her husband Philip's ability in bed.

"Meat curtains," Bo said.

"In Tristram Shandy, I loved that scene," Chase said.

"What the fuck?" Delia said. She caught Alma's eye and rephrased. "I mean, I don't get it."

"Old book, funny, difficult to read, but well worth it," Chase said.

"Meat curtains?" Jasmine said.

Delia sighed heavily. She'd obviously gotten the reference. "If you'd let me have an hour in bed with you you'd know every part of your body and some places you didn't even know existed." She drew a quick sketch on the back of the first page of her story and handed it to Jasmine. "There, all the parts including the meat curtains."

Jasmine studied the diagram. "I didn't realize you were so good at anatomy."

Chase noticed Jasmine stick the diagram in the back of her notebook. Delia noticed it as well. She smiled at Chase, who narrowed her eyes in warning. Delia ignored her. Had Delia been sitting closer Chase would have done bodily harm to get her point across.

"Back to the business at hand, the repetitive use of certain words is not good. There must be other words or euphemisms that could be utilized," Alma said.

"Unfortunately, my thesaurus doesn't include the word cunt and vagina doesn't work for me," Delia said. "God, I really did use it twenty-two times—rock on. That's gotta be an f-ing record."

"Alma's right. There's got to be another way to describe this particular body part," Chase said. She had her own troubles with love scenes and was endlessly being advised by her editor to make them more graphic. As far as she was concerned, love scenes should be left to the reader's imagination. Everyone knew what went where and how it felt. But this was not a common sentiment for moist-mound sagas and so she relented to Ariana's suggestions with reluctance.

"What about nether regions?" Bo said. He poured his third glass of iced tea.

With tea containing only half the caffeine of coffee he was doubling up. Chase wondered how long it would be until he had to pee. Men's bladders amazed her. "It's too archaic," she replied.

"How about woo-woo," Jasmine said.

"Where'd you get that?" Delia said, giving her an intense gaze.

"On The L Word."

Delia raised an eyebrow.

"When I was clicking through the channels." Jasmine didn't look at her.

"Yeah, on your way to Masterpiece Theatre," Bo said.

"Or perhaps it was the Antiques RoadsShow," Chase said. She smiled in complicity with the others.

"Jasmine, you shouldn't be so defensive about your sense of curiosity," Alma said. "Writers need to be curious. It's what informs our writing."

"I know." Jasmine looked down.

In an effort to save her further embarrassment, Chase narrowed in on Delia. "I think sometimes you just put that word in there because you can. In several places you've told the reader about what's being done so the word is redundant."

"May the Pink Mafia never hear you say that," Delia said.

"Yes, let's perk up the description and you'll have a nice bit of

porn here," Alma said, going back to the manuscript.

"May I use your bathroom?" Bo said, getting up rather abruptly.

"Of course. I expect after three rather large glasses of tea you should," Alma said.

"So who calls it a woo-woo on that show you don't watch?" Delia said.

Jasmine jumped in without a thought for the foil. "Dana Fairbanks. You know they kill her off in the third season." She blanched.

"Wow, even I didn't know that," Delia said.

Jasmine was trapped. "There's never anything else on."

"Yeah, sure," Delia said.

Chase looked on in pity. She was going to have to teach Jasmine some skill in taciturnity, and soon.

Chapter Thirteen

"Like I care if I get a fucking birthday cake from her," Graciela said. She shoved a tortilla chip in her mouth.

Chase and Gitana were having lunch at Gardenas with her and Delia. It was Graciela's birthday and Jacinda wasn't speaking to her. The luncheon was Chase's idea. She was trying to socialize and acclimate herself to holidays and family events. She didn't want Bud to adopt her hermit ways.

"We don't have to do this," Gitana had said before they left the house as Chase sorted through her clothes in search of a decent outfit.

"Does this look okay?" Chase held up a gray shirt and beige trousers.

"No." Gitana grabbed a white blouse off the hanger, held it up against them. She nodded. "When in doubt choose white. I think a pair of black jeans would do better. This is a little frumpy. When did you buy those hideous slacks?" she asked.

"The other day. I thought they'd be perfect for PTA meetings." Chase studied them. They were ugly, but they'd seemed like the beacon of respectability.

Gitana got the black jeans out and whisked away the offending garment. "Bud isn't even born yet. We'll get you proper outfits when the time comes."

Chase was humbled. Normally, she had good taste. The trousers were a sign that she was trying to be something she was not. She'd have to watch that.

"I mean it about not going. Graciela won't care. She's going to Delia's tonight where they will have a decadent party in her honor."

"But we're her family."

"I know," Gitana had said.

And now they were here and Chase thought Graciela looked pleased. The waitress came by with a pitcher of margaritas and spring water for Gitana. Chase ordered more chips and grabbed one of the few remaining ones before Graciela devoured them all.

"I slept with Jasmine the other day," Delia said. She took a sip of her margarita and sat back.

The tortilla chip headed straight for Chase's lungs. She gasped and turned red, coughing violendy. Gitana patted her back. Delia offered to do the Heimlich maneuver and Graciela suggested a sip of margarita.

"How about some water," Gitana said, handing Chase her glass.

Chase took a sip and regained control of her breathing.

"Like I was saying, remember when we talked in group about sex and how I offered to show her the ropes, well, she took me up on my offer."

"Jasmine, your writer friend, the one who's married and obviously straight?" Gitana said.

"Yes," Chase said. She took several sips of her drink in order to drown the chip and to try and stave off her unease.

"Straight women are so hot. Rock on," Graciela said, giving Delia the high-five.

"Dude, this story is your birthday present from me to you with love." She smacked Graciela on the lips.

Their relationship completely confused Chase. Gitana had tried to explain it to her, but Chase still found it incomprehensible. Graciela had told Gitana that they'd slept together. Two butches getting together made no sense according to the rules of engagement set forth by the Pink Mafia.

"Onward, soldier," Graciela said.

Chase unraveled her silverware from the linen napkin and tried to catch the waitress's eye. Please let there be an interruption, she pleaded. She would never look at Jasmine the same way. She tried distraction. "Has everyone decided what they want?"

She looked around again. The restaurant wasn't busy and their table was offset as she'd requested. Who knew what Delia and Graciela were capable of saying or doing in a family establishment? She was glad of her choice.

"So," Delia continued, "the way it went down, Jasmine suggests we have lunch at the Sheraton in Old Town. I'm not thinking anything of it. I know the bar so I'm thinking lunch and a drink."

"Duh, hotel restaurant, hotel room," Graciela said. She poured another margarita.