Fast Forward (26 page)

“Don’t you get it? You are the creation. The photographers, like me, show you in your best light and the graphic designers and artists enhance the picture to create a piece of art. Most women would kill to look like you and have your job!” Grant stood too, redness rising up his neck. “We’re a team, you and I, and if you go off and do something else, it won’t be the same, it won’t feel right.”

“It’ll feel right to me,” I replied.

“And what about me?”

“Why should my career choices affect you?”

“My career takes me all over the place and I plan on it taking me overseas on a regular basis, as should yours if you stick to your plans of gracing the catwalks. But if you’re serious about starting a business, you’ll need to stay put and that just won’t work for us.”

“Then maybe we should do something about that,” I said quietly, sitting on the bench. “Grant, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and what I thought that I wanted, I don’t think I want anymore. Sure, I’ll keep modelling for a while, but it’s not my passion. I also think I’d like to have a family one day too.”

Grant collapsed on the seat next to me. “What? Are you serious? I thought you never wanted children!”

“Well, let’s just say I’ve been persuaded,” I said, looking him in the eye. “I didn’t want to become a mother for fear of dredging up memories of my own mother, but I don’t resent her anymore. I know what a privilege it is to bring a child into this world and have a family. It’s what I want.”

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

Grant kept shaking his head. “This isn’t just a hormonal outburst is it? Some temporary insanity thing? I’ve read that can happen to some women, you know.”

Oh my God, he was infuriating me! “Absolutely not, how dare you even consider that!” I stood again. “This is real. This is me, this is what I want. If you don’t want to be a part of who I am, I guess we shouldn’t be together.” I ran my fingers through my hair and looked up at the sky.

“Unless there’s any hope of knocking some sense into you, then no, I guess we shouldn’t be together.”

“Believe me, I have more sense now than I ever did.”

“So this is it then, you’re breaking up with me, on your birthday?” Grant asked, still sitting on the seat, his eyes peering up at mine.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing,” I replied with a straight tone. I went to walk away but then turned back. “I’m sorry, Grant. I didn’t mean for things to end like this, but I have to do what’s right for me.” I placed the bracelet box into his hands. “As beautiful as this is, I think you should save it for someone else. Someone special, who’s traveling the same journey as you are.” I closed his fingers over the box and looked him one last time in the eye. “Bye, Grant.”

My shoes clicked as I walked away, my eyes firmly fixed on the path in front of me.

At five past twelve I looked up from my table at Parkside Cafe to see my dad walking towards me with a large present wrapped in pink, the sight of him completely smashing the bizarre memory of seeing his grave only yesterday. I stood, wrapping my arms around him without a word.

“Whoa, you’d think we hadn’t seen each other for years. Is everything alright?” He pulled back and held onto my shoulders.

“Everything’s perfect. I’m so glad to see you, that’s all.” I blinked away the threat of tears that hung by a thread from the edge of my eyes.

“I’m glad to see you too,” he said, smiling. “Happy birthday.” He handed me the gift and I sat down to unwrap it.

I held up the vase after pulling it from its box. “Oh, I love it. Thanks Dad!” It was shaped like a splash of water rising upwards in a spiral, clear glass marbled by a hint of magenta swirling from the bottom to the top. The vase! The one I’d seen on the gift table at my fiftieth birthday party! So I didn’t design it–Dad gave it to me, which held even more importance. “I’ll treasure it forever.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

I smiled then stiffened as Kasey came to a standstill near the entrance, having just noticed Dad sitting at the table with me. She turned to walk away.

“Kasey, wait!” My chair screeched as I pushed it out from under the table and ran towards her. “I know about you and Dad. I know you’ve just found out the truth.”

“He told you, huh?”

I ignored the question. “Look, I invited Dad so we can all talk about this. You two need to get all your doubts and fears out in the open, otherwise you’ll regret it later. Trust me.”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s probably not the right time. It’s your birthday. We shouldn’t be discussing something like this today. Besides, I have to get back to the university soon.” She looked longingly at the exit.

I grasped her hand. “C’mon, have some lunch, talk to Dad. Tell him what a great father he’s been to you.”

She drew a deep breath and nodded. “Fair enough.”

“Kasey, hi.” Dad stood and gestured for her to take a seat. “What a nice surprise.” His words belied the uncertainty in his voice. I’d taken a risk bringing them both together when the emotions were still raw, but if they didn’t make time to talk now, they never would.

“Let’s order, shall we?” I suggested, signalling a waiter before the discussion began. We exchanged small talk for a while and ate our meals, and finally Dad said, “I think Kelli wants us to discuss our situation, right Kel?”

I nodded. “I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing you two lose the great father-daughter relationship you’ve had. I thought it would be good to get everything out in the open now, before it’s left too long.”

Kasey squirmed and Dad cleared his throat. “Well,” Dad turned to Kasey. “How are you feeling after finding out the truth?”

“How am I feeling?” she responded. “How do you think? I’ve just been told my dad isn’t really my dad, and the person responsible for this secret isn’t alive for me to confront her about it. I’m angry at Mum, and I’m angry at you for not telling me until now, and I’m angry at, oh I don’t know, I’m just angry that I’ve been taken for a ride. This spoils everything I thought was real in my life, it’s all been a lie!” Kasey’s eyes welled up with tears and her face reddened. Dad placed his hand over Kasey’s on the table but she sharply withdrew it.

“It hasn’t been a lie. Our relationship, the times we shared, Kasey, they were real. Nothing’s changed.”

“Are you kidding? Everything’s changed! My mother’s dead and my real father might as well be since I haven’t even met him.”

“Look, we can talk about the possibility of finding him sometime, if that’s what you want, but for now, we need to talk about us.” Dad pulled her hand back onto the table. “Kase, I was angry at your mother too, maybe I still am a little bit, but more for hurting you than me. I’m still the father you’ve always known, even though we have different DNA.”

“It just feels weird, you know? I feel like the odd one out, not that that’s new to me, but this confirms it. I’m not a Crawford.”

“In my eyes you are,” Dad said, as my head swivelled right and left from my father to my sister as their conversation continued. Dad lowered his head. “That is, if you still want me in your life? The way you reacted I thought … maybe you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

“What? Of course I do, I mean, I just need some time to process everything and … hang on—you thought I wouldn’t want anything to do with you?”

Dad shrugged.

“But I thought the opposite. I thought you wouldn’t want to continue this paternal facade now that the truth was exposed. I thought you’d be glad to see the back of the daughter who will always remind you of your wife’s infidelity.” Kasey swiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Kasey, no. I may not be your biological father, but I raised you. Even though we don’t share genes, I’m one hundred percent sure you’ve carried on my propensity for hard work, for persisting with something until you’re satisfied, for never giving up. When I see you the only thing I’m reminded of is the amazing young woman you’ve become, nothing else. As far as I’m concerned, you’ll always be my daughter.” Dad’s voice faltered on the last word and he cleared his throat.

Kasey’s bottom lip trembled. “I don’t want to lose you, Dad. I still want you to be my father.” Her eyes pleaded and my own bottom lip trembled too, as Dad shuffled his chair closer to Kasey and enveloped her in his arms.

“I’ll always be here. I’ll always be your father,” he said, stroking her hair as her head rested on his chest. “Let’s make that a given, huh? I’m sure there’ll be more emotions to deal with, but as they come up, we’ll deal with them together, okay?”

Kasey nodded, more tears flowing down her face, until eventually she sat up again and wiped her eyes with the tissue I handed her. “I’m sorry, Kelli, it’s supposed to be a happy day for you and here we are crying,” Kasey said.

“Oh, it is a happy day, Sis, it really is,” I replied, a smile widening on my face. “This is the best birthday present I could have received. Well, besides the vase, Dad.” I winked.

Dad smiled and Kasey said, “Oh, I didn’t have your birthday present with me, but I’ll bring it tonight. You really want to have a party on the beach instead?” she asked.

“Yep. Oh, and could you bring some wood and branches from your backyard, I want to make a small campfire.”

Kasey’s eyes brightened. She practically lived outdoors when she wasn’t holed up in the university laboratory or lecture halls. “Consider it done. I’ll bring some newspaper for kindling too, and matches. Hey, do you want me to drive us both there?”

“That’d be great, thanks.”

“So anyway, what’s new with you, sweetheart?” Dad asked.

Actually, I just returned from the future where I was married with grown children and ran a successful company and didn’t look one bit like a model anymore
.

“What’s new? Oh, not much … except that, I’m going to get back into my creative pursuits. Start drawing and designing again.”

Dad sat up straight in his seat. “Really? I’m so glad to hear that, you always had a knack for all things artistic. It was such as shame to let your talent go to waste after—”

“After Mum literally ripped my confidence to shreds?” I interjected. “It’s okay, I’ve forgiven her now. I know she didn’t mean to hurt me. I’m really excited about what I could do with my skills. I’m actually planning on setting up a business eventually, once I’ve worked on a decent portfolio and done a course or two.”

Dad’s face beamed. “If you need to run anything by me, I’m here. I’d like nothing more than to see you follow your dreams.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“And hey, maybe you and I could go into business together, huh?” Kasey laughed. “Although I’d have to be a silent partner because unless you’re designing lab equipment, I’d be hopeless.” She winked, not knowing she’d be playing a very important role in the realisation of my dream.

“Who knows? You never know what might happen around the corner.” I winked back and noticed Dad staring at his hands. “What’s wrong, Dad?”

He flicked his hand in the air. “Ah, nothing. It’s just … I wish I’d been able to help your mother more. I should have got more help for her. If only she hadn’t shot you down like that. I’ll never forget your face after that dreadful day.”

I held my palms in front of Dad. “Stop, Dad. Don’t go there. You did everything you could, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But if I’d taken her to a different psychiatrist, got a second opinion, maybe she would have had a better chance.”

“No, Dad, you can’t waste time or energy wondering what might have been, you can only change what’s in front of you right now. You did your best and Mum made her own choices in life. Her happiness wasn’t your responsibility.” I grasped his arm with my hand and he brought his other hand up and patted mine.

“You’re right.” He nodded. “What’s important is what we choose to do now.”

“Dad, promise me we’ll never let life get in the way of our family? Promise me you’ll never go away, that you’ll always stay close?”

“I promise. I’m not going anywhere,” he replied, his eyes unblinking and fixed on mine.

Only the future would tell me if that was true and although he would eventually leave us of course, at the end of his life, I hoped and wished that that day would not come for a very, very long time.

After wandering around admiring the delights of the city, basking in the pleasure of not needing to be anywhere right now and just walking where my feet took me, I remembered something. I dashed back to my apartment, flipped open my laptop and typed FastForwardExperiences.com into my web browser.

Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage
. Damn. It didn’t exist yet. Oh, I wanted to submit my experience! Unless … I searched for domain name registration and then typed the web address into the ‘search for a domain’ field.
This domain is available! Click here to register this domain
.

So, the person who made the website in the future hadn’t registered it yet. I should just wait and check on it every now and again. Unless … What if it’s meant to be me? What if I was the one who was supposed to have made the website?

Tentatively I clicked on the registration link. I’d never registered a website domain before, I didn’t even know how it all worked, or how to make a website, but heaps of people had them so it couldn’t be that hard, could it?

But what if someone else was destined to make the website and me registering it would stuff things up for them somehow? I thought about the experiences I’d read on the site, especially the one about Polly who seemed permanently stuck in her fast forward, and a pang of sympathy ran through me. One way or another, this website needed to be born. If someone was to contact me down the track and say they had thought of creating this website, then I would simply let them take it over.

Yes. That sounded like a plan. Okay, here we go. I typed in my details and gave up my credit card number, something I was quite used to doing and the website tried to get me to purchase other domains as well.

Would you like to add the following to your order?

fastforwardexperiences.net

myfastforwardexperiences.com

fastforwardexperiencesnetwork.com

Um, no, thank you very much. One would be enough and I wasn’t just talking about websites. As valuable and life-changing an experience it was, I couldn’t bear to go through another shock like that. I just wanted to get on with living my life and creating the future that was right for me.