Fat Chance (24 page)

As soon as we walk into the kitchen, he reaches for the wine. “This is where it all started,” he says.

“So the weight thing doesn't matter, huh?” I ask casually.

He checks the oven. “Not enough to pinch on skinny
broads,” he says, sliding the oven mitt along the length of my thigh. “They slip out of your grip.”

“I may have met the only man on earth who likes fleshy women.”

“You're wrong there, darlin',” he says, slicing up the bread and feeding me a piece. “All the hoopla about being thin comes from women. Real men love tits and ass.”

“So eloquently put. Anyway, I still love you.”

“Sure you do.”

“God, you're so in love with yourself. I can't stand it. I mean, is there something in the soil or the air that makes Texans so plumb proud of themselves?” He grins, putting together the ingredients for the black olive aioli: mayonnaise, garlic, tapenade and lemon juice.

“A rich Texan's hard to resist.”

I'm letting that sink in while I finish setting the table. Tex has Fiestaware in, I think, every color ever made. I put out a plum-colored plate for me, and one in lapis blue for him. The salad bowls are yellow and coral. Our wineglasses are made in Mexico and are heavy bubbly green glass that's splashed with streaks of yellow, orange, blue and green. Every time I set the table in Tex's apartment, I feel like I'm getting ready to party.

I walk back into the kitchen, take the asparagus out of the water, cut them up and toss them over the greens. I glance at him, but he isn't giving anything away. I turn to the roasted peppers, slicing them and mixing them in. Tex peeks into the oven to check the chicken, and I walk up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders.

“I'm waiting….”

He smiles, but says nothing.

“Don't tell me you got some huge inheritance.”

“Pretty damn good.”

“Oil?”

He pivots. “Oil? Did you say oil? Not anymore, darlin'. Those days are long gone.” He fills a glass with water and holds it up. “Recognize this?”

I stare. “H2O.”

“Yes, water. Water is Texas gold these days, and my daddy's dry, dusty land turns out to have huge underground aquifers.”

I'm holding the edge of the kitchen counter to steady myself. “So, now you're going to be even more insufferable.”

He takes my hand and we Texas two-step to the table. He lights the candles and we sit down facing each other in the flickering light.

“Want me to give it all away?” he says.

“Fat chance.”

Doing It My Way

I
can't avoid it forever. Readers are obsessed with how I lost the weight. So much for my success in getting them to accept their fate. Should I describe my methods straight out? Should I try to put all my crazy tips and cheating strategies into a program? Wharton wanted me to tell readers that I would soon publish, “Maggie's Diet.” He wanted to sell it as a special pull-out section that they could stick up on their refrigerators. Newsstand circulation would soar, he said, and so would sales of back copies. He even thought about packaging it as a book. But, of course, foremost in his mind were dollar signs, not improving readers' blood lipid levels.

There was the issue of what to call it. Maggie's Mad-Woman Makeover Diet? Maggie's Celebrity-Stalker Diet and Exercise Plan? The Mike-Taylor-Made-Me-Do-It Diet?
Or simply, Cheating On the Job: How a Fat Columnist Lost Weight While Writing About Accepting It. No, I could do better.

 

Maggie O'Leary's “Hollywood, Here I Come”

Eating Plan and Exercise Guide

(A SPECIAL PULL-OUT SECTION)

 

Okay. Okay. I've been deluged by mail asking how I lost the weight.

Number one: I didn't fast.

Number two: I didn't use a diet book.

Number three: I didn't eliminate any food groups.

Number four: I didn't eat any weird food combos.

Number five: I didn't have my stomach stapled, take Chinese herbs, use weight-loss tablets, diet supplements or special drinks.

The following is what I did do—but please, check with your doctor before starting any weight reduction regimen or exercise program.
And by all means, if you've never exercised, start out slowly and build your tolerance. Always warm up before starting to exercise. Follow an exercise session with slow stretches.

 

I. 48-hour Fly-Me-To-L.A. Crunch Diet:
To up my motivation, I jump-started the program with this skimpy plan that—I have to admit—is nutritionally inadequate. But because it's severe, you stay on it for just two days. It can start off the process dramatically, although initially the loss is largely from water. I also used this as a red-flag regimen. If I overate or lost control for a few meals, or suddenly found that the scales “inexplicably” showed weight gain, I quickly resorted to the 48-hour plan to get myself back on track. I also drank at least eight glasses of water a day and took multivitamins.
Caution:
Don't try to do heavy aerobics while eating so lightly. On this regimen, I restricted myself to brisk
walking, twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes at night.

II. The Hollywood Stripper Plan:
After the 48 hours, I progressed to a more liberal plan of around 1500 calories a day (see below), but I'm not big on counting calories.

III. Cheat Sheet:
I began to look at every recipe and every meal with an eye toward cheating. Cheating? Yes.

I'm going to give you twenty-five of these painless changes that you can make in your diet. These are the kinds of tips that are easy to make and stick with. And over the course of a year, you'll be amazed by the number of calories that you can eliminate from your diet.

 

FIRST:
How to get an idea of what your calorie intake should be to lose weight, or maintain ideal weight. (You should be so lucky.):

Figure out your ideal weight, taking into account your body type. A current weight chart may help if you're not clear on your goal.

Multiply ideal weight by 15 if you're moderately active, and by 20 if you are very active. The answer is the number of calories you'll need to maintain your ideal weight.

But you need to lose, right? In that case, to reach your ideal weight subtract 500 to 1000 calories from the number of maintenance calories. The result will be the number of calories you can take in every day in order to lose weight slowly and safely. Don't let the number of calories fall below 1000. You need at least this many to lose weight safely
without sacrificing proper nutrition. Remember, the heavier you are, the easier it will be, at first, to lose the weight. Those who have to lose just a few pounds will lose it more slowly because they're probably consuming a calorie count closer to the amount needed to maintain ideal weight.

 

I. THE 48-HOUR FLY-ME-TO-L.A.
CRUNCH REGIMEN

 

 

RECIPES
DAY 1:

Combine the rolled oats with milk in a bowl and let stand for 20 minutes. Add orange juice, yogurt, apple, raisins, and mix well. Top with sliced banana and sprinkle with wheat germ. Serves one.

On the run? Grab 2/3 cup cold cereal—opt for the healthier ones, not Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops, with ½ cup of skim or soy milk, and half a banana.

Combine all the ingredients except ground pepper in a blender. Mix for 30 seconds. Add pepper to taste. Serves one.

On the run? Order a large salad—about 3 cups—with balsamic vinegar, and a cup of vegetable juice.

Marinate meat (e.g. chicken, beef, shrimp or tofu) for 15 minutes in a mixture of soy sauce, sherry, water and garlic powder. Remove meat from marinade and reserve liquid. Heat oil in a skillet or wok. Then add meat and stir until browned. Add celery, pea pods, bean sprouts and scallions, and stir the mixture rapidly for two or three minutes or until the vegetables are hot. Add marinade, stir and serve immediately. Serves two.

On the run? Get take-out Chinese: mixed steamed vegetables with white meat chicken.

 

DAY 2:

Mix eggs until whites and yolks are just blended. Melt butter over high heat in a nonstick pan; add the eggs. Stir with fork in swirling motion. After eggs begin to thicken, add the herbs. Tilt pan and run the fork under the edge of the omelette so that you can fold it in half. Serves one.

On the run? Grab two hard-boiled eggs.

Pour all ingredients, except ice, into blender. Blend, then gradually add ice until smooth. Serves one.

On the run? 1 cup low-fat yogurt, such as coffee, lemon or vanilla, and a small banana.

Heat the oil in a skillet and sauté zucchini and red pepper for about three minutes. Push aside. Add the mushrooms and sauté for one to two minutes. Place in a shallow baking pan. Pour tomato puree over the vegetables. Mix the bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, oregano, garlic powder, dill and pepper. Sprinkle over casserole. Bake one-half hour at 350° F. Serves two.

On the run? Buy two cups of roasted vegetables from Italian takeout. Blot off excess oil before eating.

 

II. THE HOLLYWOOD STRIPPER PLAN: HOW TO TAKE IT OFF

 

Breakfast:

One slice of toast with 1 tsp. of butter, or ¾ cup cold cereal with one glass of skim or soy milk

1 piece of fresh fruit

Coffee or tea

Lunch:

2 hard-boiled eggs, or 3 oz. fish (tuna, salmon or shrimp) or 3 oz. white meat chicken, turkey, veal or lean roast beef (with mustard, if desired), or 1 cup low-fat cottage cheese 1 slice of bread or ½ baked potato, ½ cup cooked pasta or rice

Large tossed salad with lemon or vinegar

 

Afternoon Snack:

Fresh fruit and 1 cup of skim milk or soy milk, or blender shake with 1 cup milk, fruit and ice

Evening Snack:

Fresh fruit and 1 cup skim or soy milk

 

Note: 3 cups plain, air-popped popcorn may be substituted for any one serving of bread, potato, rice or pasta.

 

III. CHEAT SHEET

 

Even if you don't diet or exercise at all, you can still lose weight just by making some small but significant changes in the way you cook and eat. You can easily come up with your own ways of cutting calories, but here are twenty-five of my favorites to get you thinking:

1. Wait until your bread cools to butter it, it will absorb less.
   
2. Have a whole orange instead of just the juice. It has higher satiety value and more fiber.
   
3. Opt for a teaspoon or two of sprinkled sugar instead of maple syrup as a sweetener for waffles, French toast and pancakes. Most of us pour with a heavy hand and end up using a quarter of a cup, a whopping 210 calories versus 16 calories for each teaspoon of sugar.
   
4. Think breakfast foods when it's lunchtime. A bowl of ¾ cup shredded wheat with ½ cup of skim milk makes a great low-cal, low-fat, high-fiber meal for only about 150 calories.
   
5. Fruit juices may be healthy, but they can add a major-league load of calories. Scale back on calories, and up your water intake by mixing equal parts of fruit juice with water or club soda.
   
6. Wean yourself off sugar in coffee or tea. Yes, you can do it, just give it a month. Week one, you'll hate the taste. Accept it—there are only seven measly days in a week. Week two, you'll be less unhappy. Week three, it's better, and by the fourth week you won't mind and will appreciate the taste of the coffee or tea. (And try switching to good quality coffee, not the brown powder that comes in a jar.) By cutting your daily sugar, you'll save 16 calories per teaspoon of sugar. How many cups do you drink a day? Do the math. And no, I'm not a proponent of artificial sweeteners. (Don't hold me to this, but I recall reading a study way back that indicated that they can actually stimulate your appetite.)
   
7. Throw out the salt, and fill your salt shaker with this tasty
   Salt Substitute:
   ½ tsp. ground red pepper
   1 tbs. garlic powder
   1 tsp. each basil, marjoram, thyme, parsley, savory, sage, onion powder, ground black pepper, mace
   
8. Divide lunch into two meals. Have your first half sandwich with a drink at 11:30, and the second half at 1:30. It'll keep you feeling satisfied longer.
   
9. Always have a late-afternoon snack of fruit so that you don't go into the kitchen starving when it's time to make dinner.
   
10. While you're cooking, keep a tall glass of mineral water or V-8 around to sip.
    
11. Add sour pickles to the plate of safe foods—like cut-up veggies—to grab when you're starved. (People who are trying to quit smoking find pickles helpful too.)
    
12. Opt for blender drinks for a snack rather than just fruit and a beverage. A glass of skim milk or soy milk blended with an apple or banana, ice cubes and a teaspoon of sugar is more satisfying than just a piece of fruit and a glass of milk. The air incorporated into the drink will fool your stomach into feeling fuller than it would be from just the milk and fruit alone.
    
13. Next time you feel like having a frank, cut calories in half by slicing the frank in half (give the other half of the dog to yours) and filling the half-empty roll with sauerkraut and mustard. Use the same trick with hamburger—that's where all the calories are, not in the poor maligned bun. Add two slices of tomato and lettuce.
    
14. Start lunch or dinner with a generous salad and a low-fat or no-fat dressing, then wait fifteen minutes before going on to the next course. Sanity will rule. Try this creamy stuff as a dressing or dip: Combine
    1 cup plain low-fat yogurt with 1 tbs. dehydrated onion flakes, ¼ cup chopped fresh dill, 2 minced garlic cloves and 1 oz. crumbled blue cheese. Use 2 tbs. per large cup of salad.
    
15. Think of soup as the main course, not an appetizer. You can steam and then puree a pound of any fresh vegetable with four cups of low-fat chicken broth combined with one chopped onion and 1 ripe pear, which have been sautéed in 1 tbs. of butter. Makes four servings. Freeze each one separately so you can microwave for a low-cal quickie dinner.
    
16. Turn side dishes into main courses. Make a baked potato or a cup of brown rice the centerpiece of your meal. Top with ½ cup of cottage cheese and a cup of roasted or steamed vegetables.
    
17. In all recipes that call for sour cream, substitute low-fat yogurt.
    
18. When you buy meat or fish at the butcher shop or fish store, make sure you have it cut into 4 oz. serving pieces. If it's presized, before cooking, you'll be less likely to overeat.
    
19. Instead of spreading a tablespoon of mayonnaise on your ham, chicken or turkey sandwich, try using mustard. You'll save 85 calories.
    
20. Avoid buying boxes of cookies or containers of ice cream. Walk to the store and buy single packaged cookies or single scoops of ice cream. Yes, it is far more expensive. Hold that thought and let it be a deterrent.
    
21. Keep a piggy bank and deposit all the pennies you would have spent on things like Sara Lee cakes and didn't. At the end of each month, take the money and buy yourself a nonedible treat—a Chanel lipstick, maybe? You deserve a reward for abstaining.
    
22. If you must buy ice cream, choose the less expensive, nonpremium brands. They're lower in calories and fat.
    
23. Can't resist the chocolate temptation? Instead of eating a fattening chocolate candy bar (most have over 220 calories), opt for one Oreo cookie (50 calories) or one Reese's 0.6 oz. Peanut Butter Cup at 92 calories.
    
24. Can't give up your favorite pies? You don't have to. Simply eat the filling, but not the crust. You'll be eating about 25 percent fewer calories.
    
25. When baking a cake from a store-bought mix, substitute
    ¹
    /
    ₃
    cup applesauce for an equal amount of cooking oil. You'll shave 612 calories, and 72 grams of fat.