Fat Vampire (14 page)

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Authors: Adam Rex

BOOK: Fat Vampire
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24
OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOUR MYSTERY DATE

“I
CAN'T BELIEVE
you guys watch it, too,” said Cat as she squirted another slug of purple goop into Jay's hair. “I wonder if Doug'll get back in time.”

“He has been gone longer than he said,” Sejal observed. She considered how awful it would be if Doug had had an accident after she suggested he keep his appointment, and was feeling a little nervy. And this after having a mild panic attack on Friday, at the show. She was taking a full Niravam a day now, and wondered at how bad she'd feel without it. “Isn't it dangerous to cycle at night?”

“I think he's okay,” said Jay. “Really. He's safer than most
people.” He turned on his television and began flipping up the channels to the Crypt, on which
Vampire Hunters
would be starting in a few minutes. “How is it looking?” he added, staring upward at the mysterious process that was playing out on his head. Cat had talked her way into coloring Jay's hair black with a half bottle of leftover dye.

“It doesn't look like anything yet. It looks wet. Don't worry, it's gonna be totally hot. Do you have any hair gel? I like that your hair's messy, but there's messy and then there's
messy
—you know?”

Sejal pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin. She saw a panicky thrill in Jay's eyes that told her that he
didn't
know but wanted to.

“My hair used to be a lot more messy,” he said. “And blond. I used to have uncombable hair syndrome.”

Cat laughed. “You had what? Is that real? It sounds like one of those bullshit drug commercials, like for restless leg syndrome.”

“They're both real,” said Jay. “I think. If you Google ‘uncombable hair syndrome' you can find a picture of me from when I was four.”

“Oh my god. When I get this shit off my hands, I am totally doing that. Forget Crystal Math, when we start our band we're calling it Uncombable Hair Syndrome.”

Sejal was content to let the two of them flirt as she fortified her position on Doug. She had a decision to make, and she was beginning to notice the return of a cowardly, impetuous approach to problem solving that was not characteristic of the
girl she wanted to become. Fear and guilt boiled holes in her stomach. She was not being honest with Doug, but that would come to an end tonight. Unless he'd had an accident.

“Wait, what was that?” said Jay. He flipped backward two stations and stopped at a newscast that was live and in West Philadelphia. Police lights strobed on the screen. The sound came up by degrees.

REPORTER (V.O.)

…dria Franklin, an employee at the MoPo, describes what happened next.

MOPO CASHIER

After he…after he knocked out those two he chases after the third guy, an'—an' they run out into the street, an' just as he was about to catch the guy there's this screech and the trolley comes and POOF!

REPORTER

Poof?

MOPO CASHIER

Yeah, poof! The hero guy disappears! An' the trolley rolls right by! And there ain't nothing left but his clothes!

REPORTER

I just want to be clear about this. The vigilante vanished and left his clothes behind?

MOPO CASHIER

Yeah. The cops took them.

REPORTER

What was he wearing?

MOPO CASHIER

A white cape and a hood. Like in a comic book.

“Oh my god. Like in a stupid comic book,” said Cat. Jay didn't answer, only stared with hard features at the screen.

EXT. A WEST PHILADELPHIA DELI CALLED SAMMY'S II

REPORTER

The story may continue at this nearby deli, where a startled shopkeeper says he had a close encounter with the hero shortly after the foiled robbery. A close encounter of the…thirst kind.

CUT TO THE SHOPKEEPER, WHO DOES NOT APPEAR SO MUCH STARTLED AS VACANT.

REPORTER (off camera)

What makes you think it was the hero who came into your deli?

SHOPKEEPER

Well, it was, like, right after I heard what happened at the MoPo, you know? And…then there was suddenly this guy at the counter, right? And I thought, that's weird, I didn't even see him come in. He was just there, all of a sudden.

REPORTER

Was he naked? Or wearing a white cape?

SHOPKEEPER

Um, no. But he was really tall and musclely. Like a superhero.

REPORTER

And did this mystery man identify himself to be the MoPo hero?

SHOPKEEPER

Not exactly. Not exactly, but he acted like he was in a real hurry, right? And he bought some beer and some BullShake Energy Drink, right?
Energy drink.

REPORTER

I see.

SHOPKEEPER

Plus, his driver's license looked totally fake. Like it could be a secret identity.

PAUSE.

REPORTER

Should you have sold him the beer if his license looked fake?

SHOPKEEPER LOOKS CONFUSED, STARES NERVOUSLY AT CAMERA.

Just then something smacked hard against Jay's bedroom window, and all three kids jumped.

“Holy shit,” said Cat. “Is that a bat?”

It was without question a bat, twitching, pasted flat
against the glass like a Halloween decoration. It shook itself and flapped away.

“It must have been attracted to the light,” said Sejal.

“I…don't think it was a bat,” said Jay.

“It was definitely a bat.”

“IT WAS A MOTH,” he answered in a voice that was suddenly like a car alarm. “A big moth. I have to go to the bathroom.” And with that he hopped to his feet and strode out of the room without moving his arms.

Cat smiled after him. “Weird guy.”

“He likes you,” said Sejal.

“Yeah. Probably just because his best friend likes you.”

“I don't think this is true.”

Cat changed the channel until “Last week on
Vampire Hunters
” could be heard.

“You're really not into Doug, are you?” asked Cat. “You're just naturally nicer to him than everyone else.”

Sejal nodded. Her stomach seethed.

“If he asks you out again, you have to tell him no. Guys like him who haven't hooked up much…they get clingy real fast.”

“I know this. You could say the same of Jay.”

“I'm handling Jay. But with Doug…trust me, it's better you say something sooner than later. Just say dating's not allowed in your country or your religion or—”

“I know, I know. I will tell him. Don't eat my head.”

“Sorry,
yaar
,” said Cat.

Silence followed, and Cat turned up the sound.

EXT. FLOODLIT, TREE-LINED FIELD AT NIGHT

VAMPIRE HUNTER CREW STANDS IN A LOOSE LINE, REDEEMERS IN HAND. THEY FACE A SECOND LINE OF DRESSMAKER'S DUMMIES. ALAN FRIENDLY IN FRONT. MUSICAL STING #24 (REDEEMER THEME)

ALAN FRIENDLY

There! The San Diego vampires are before us! Present Redeemers!

CREW MEMBERS RAISE THEIR WEAPONS

ALAN FRIENDLY

Send those mothersuckers back to hell, boys! Fire at will!

CREW FIRES WEAPONS. QUICK CUTS OF DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART WITH STAKES, DUMMIES STUCK IN THE HEART IN SLOW MOTION, DUMMIES STRUCK IN THE HEART IN BLACK-AND-WHITE WITH DRIPPING BLOOD EFFECT #3 (BLOODY VENETIAN BLINDS)

ALAN FRIENDLY

Equipped and confident, we set back out on the trail. Last week we learned that two individuals, quite possibly a vampire and his ghoul, robbed a bloodmobile outside the San Diego Convention Center. A convention center that was playing host to the largest pop-culture gathering in the world, Comic-Con International.

MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM PAST CONS, COURTESY OF COMIC-CON INTERNATIONAL

ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)

Comic-Con: four days of sights, frights, and delights in the heart of San Diego—

“They're stalling,” said Cat. “They must not have anything good this week.”

“No,” said Sejal.

“I really didn't mean to…eat your head?”

“Do you not say that here?”

“I don't know, but I'm saying it every chance I get now.”

“I did not mean to snap. I've been testy. I thought I should try to like Doug. But I think I understand now that he is not
my sort for a number of reasons. Jay is nicer.”

Cat nodded. “And kind of more fun when Doug isn't around. Hey, you're not gonna like Jay now, are you? Not that it wouldn't be okay, but…”

“No. It would not be good for me to date a boy with an Intel Quad Core with E-Line connectivity.”

“Right. Hey, stormtroopers.”

EXT. THE BEACH—A REGIMENT OF STORMTROOPERS RUN DRILLS

ALAN FRIENDLY (V.O.)

On Mission Beach we caught up with two Imperial Stormtroopers of the 501st Legion, who were attendees at the convention. Do you remember any people who could have conceivably been vampires?

STORMTROOPER #1

Dude, tons. (to Stormtrooper #2) You remember that vampiress with Arcade Comics? She was all kinds of hot.

STORMTROOPER #2

Totally. Her were all (motions with hands)…can I say ?

ALAN FRIENDLY

Not on basic cable.

STORMTROOPER #1

Remember those slave Leias that posed for that big group photo with Jabba?

STORMTROOPER #2

(laughing) They weren't vampires.

STORMTROOPER #1

Oh, right. Vampires. Well, there was that old lady dressed as Elvira.

STORMTROOPER #2

That
was
Elvira.

STORMTROOPER #1

And there was that guy dressed like that guy from Dark Shadows.

STORMTROOPER #2

And that girl dressed like that girl from that video game.

ALAN FRIENDLY

These are not the vampires we're looking for.

“Heeey,” said Jay from the doorway, and he had Doug with him. “Look who I found.” Doug said hello and the girls answered.

Sejal supposed it was the sun allergy that made Doug always look better at night. He wasn't wearing the same clothes he'd left in, and these new clothes were less than flattering—the T-shirt, in particular, looked like the sort of thing you'd get free for opening a checking account. Still, there was something very ripe and alive about Doug now.

“His clothes got all sweaty from the bike ride. So he stopped at his house on the way back. That's what took him so long,” said Jay. Doug said and did nothing to confirm or deny any of it. He stood calmly in the doorway as though waiting to be invited in.

“What did we miss?” asked Jay finally as he went and sat down beside Cat.

“Whole lotta nothin'. They're just fartin' around San Diego.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah, I mean…I didn't want to miss it if they caught him.”

Doug had taken a seat behind the rest of them, but Sejal could feel his eyes on her. She stole a glance and regretted it—he was gazing at her, all right.
That's the word for it,
she thought
. He is gazing.
The light of desperation, that faltering candle, was gone from his eyes. Now they were steady, warm, and even, and Sejal couldn't explain the chill that seized in her chest.

“Excuse me,” she said, and left the room.

The hall bathroom did not lock. She didn't really have to go, but she hiked down her pants and underwear nonetheless, going through the motions as though the dance itself might bring rain. She sat on the toilet and tried to work out why a girl from a house where people did not lock doors might now have groped every inch of a bald doorknob for something to turn or press. What was wrong with her? This was only Doug.

After what seemed the right amount of time she rose, dressed, washed her hands, and opened the door to where Doug stood in the hallway. She had to make an effort not to laugh or scream.

“I need to talk to you outside a minute,” said Doug.

Sejal stood silently for a moment, then sighed and followed him through the kitchen and out the back door. Across the deck, down stairs into the yard, he stopped by a weathered swing set. Sejal sat on one of the swings and curled her arms around the chains, because who could come so close to a swing set without sitting on a swing? But Doug stood before her.

“That's perfect,” he said. “You on that swing set.” He didn't elaborate on what was perfect about it. “I just wanted to tell you that things are going to be different now. I'm a different person than I was when you met me.”

“That is…remarkable,” said Sejal. “I met you only a week ago, no?”

The moonlight touched off a single cold spark in each of his eyes, and it was only now that Sejal realized Doug was not wearing his glasses. Sejal had had a good look at those lenses before, at the Coke-bottle curves of the glass, so now
she relaxed, no longer clothed in the scratchy self-awareness that comes from being on display. There was no way Doug could see anything but smears of color. His familiarity with Jay's house had been a good cover, but he was blind as a bat.

“A lot can happen in a week. A lot has happened to me just tonight—I'll tell you all the details someday, but it can wait for now. I just want you to understand that we can take things slowly if you want, I have all the time in the world.”

Dating is not allowed in my country,
Sejal repeated in her thoughts.
It's against my religion. I'm arranged to marry a cricketer. In fact, I'm already married now!
A dozen dodges and excuses formed in her mind, but she stayed silent. If she could, she would have remained silent forever, but there was Doug above her like a
vetala
, a folktale spirit, demanding answers. Say the wrong thing and she'd never be rid of him. Speak properly and she could set him free.

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