Fated Identity (Red Star #6) (6 page)

Grady didn’t want to believe that an SSA of Telfer’s standing would ever divulge the identities of his subordinate agents beneath him, but there had been far more devastating treason than that within the Agency over the years. There would have to be a money trail, which was why Grady had brought in CSA. Gavin Crest had just as many avenues to pursue those leads, but without the hindrance of being hunted.

“Samuel Frye, Connor Vaupel, and Chloe Hammond are the agents I worked most closely with, along with Gus Wilson and Bob Jensen. Pretty much the entire desk, along with the supporting analysis staff,” Brienne disclosed with a frown, lowering her fork after eating only half of what had been on her plate. She pushed it away, sitting back after she’d picked up her glass of iced tea. “I need access to the SCIF. There has to be a data trail to follow. We should head back to D.C. and—”

“I already told you that was out of the question.” Grady finished his meal, unable to give Brienne what she wanted. “The ISI will be watching every single location you might decide to show your face, and that includes all the roads leading into Langley. You’re not going anywhere near D.C. until we can confirm the leak’s identity and how to go about minimizing the damage. Your name is out there on the wind. Nothing can change that, but we can target the ISI in ways to shut down their team and prevent another physical attack.”

“Which coincides with Red Starr and Starr’s inquiry,” Brienne surmised, looking off into space as she continued to process the reasoning behind such an assault. “Why is it that the ISI doesn’t want us to have knowledge of the location of Brendan O’Neill and his team’s remains?”

“Numerous motives come to mind, such as the fact that maybe it wasn’t rebel insurgents who attacked the Red Starr team.” Grady started to clear the table, motioning that Brienne should stay where she was. This wasn’t uncommon, seeing as they used to confer with each other on numerous assignments. Having another viewpoint was an advantage. He didn’t want to lose this, but that meant making changes he wasn’t so comfortable with. “It appeared to be cut and dry, but it might be that something more is in play with what your informant has stirred up.”

“You think the ISI were the ones to attack Red Starr’s infiltration route?” Brienne asked, setting her empty glass on the table. She was biting her lip in thought as she slouched in her chair the way she was prone to do after a meal in the privacy of one of their apartments, crossing her arms in what looked like a petulant manner. It wasn’t. He couldn’t prevent a half smile at the habit that had been formed long ago. “What would they have to gain by eliminating a government contracted paramilitary hostage rescue team inside Pakistan who had ISI-supported intelligence about the terrain and local factions? I recall the hostages being with a mission group from the United States, so there shouldn’t have been any opposition from the Pakistani government or the ISI.”

“Have you considered the possibility that the missionaries weren’t taken by a group of insurgents, but instead the ISI had a part in it or were supporting the faction that did?” Grady set their plates into the sink. He didn’t return to the table, but instead walked the open layout of the small beach house to the living room. It was a better location to have the upcoming conversation he’d been waiting for. “It’s the only logical explanation for why the ISI would want to silence your inquiry.”

Brienne didn’t reply right away, which had Grady looking over the couch to see that she was still seated at the table. She was regarding him with wariness, her blue eyes tapered in the corners and deep in thought. Her blonde hair was wild with untamed waves falling around her shoulders and the beautiful sight before him was something he wanted to see for many years to come.

“Cairo is off the table now that your identity has been compromised and your Agency association has been revealed,” Grady said, starting down the path that was sure to be a maze of flickering, dangerous flames. He could handle the heat, so he forged ahead. “Does that change things for us in the near term?”

“You tell me, Grady.” Brienne uncrossed her arms and stood, taking her time as she slowly made her way around the couch to join him. Her chin was tilted up in a way that told him she wasn’t going to take any prisoners. That was good, because neither was he. “Is there any room in your life for someone other than Madison’s ghost and a house full of reminders of your life together?”

‡

B
rienne had been
on pins and needles ever since she and Grady had set foot into this damned beach house that was more sterile than any hospital room she’d ever had the misfortune to be in. She wasn’t one to shy away from confrontation and she stood her ground when she needed to do what was best for her. Why, then, did being completely honest with Grady make her experience vulnerability in a manner she’d never encountered? Maybe it had to do with the fact that no one possessed the ability to hurt her as much as he did at this very moment.

“Madison was my wife, Brie.” Grady’s tone of voice was as calm as ever, similar to when he was discussing politics. It grated Brienne’s nerves at how composed and self-assured he was in himself. Maturity, maybe, but she would say it had mostly to do with how comfortable he was in his life. She disrupted that and he must have assumed he could domesticate her like some errant puppy. “She will always be a part of me.”

“She
is
you,” Brienne countered in understanding and acceptance. Could Grady truly not see it? “The two of you had known each other since high school. You walked by each other’s sides hand in hand through the good times and bad. You molded each other into adulthood, and it was never my intention to change you to be anyone else. She had a great deal to do with making who you are today and I’m grateful for that, but you clearly do not understand where I’m coming from.”

Brienne purposefully kept the couch between them. She couldn’t be touched and it was more than apparent Grady didn’t want to be either. She leaned up against the cream-colored fabric, resting her hands on the soft cushions when all she wanted to do was ball them into tight fists and continually pound the couch until all of her frustration faded away. It was so hard to breathe while describing what the coiled anger inside of her was doing to her.

“I was okay with a small amount of distance between us, Grady,” Brienne admitted through the constriction of her throat. It hurt to speak, because she understood she was pushing him further away with each word. Maybe that was why she’d put off having this conversation and why she’d treated this perilous situation with more poise than what it called for. Anything was more bearable than witnessing the disintegration of their relationship “We both had our reasons to start out that way, but as with anything in this life…situations change. Your presence in my life wasn’t just for physical pleasure anymore and the two of our lives integrated somehow, someway, in a manner where
this
became more to me than just a casual relationship.”

Grady remained silent, his stoic expression not changing in the slightest as he slipped his hands into his front pockets. The muscle in his jawline strained underneath his five o’clock shadow, the black whiskers peppered with a few bristles of grey. Even annoyed, his virility was unmistakable. He thought he had no control here, but she was more than aware that wasn’t the case. Everything that made up who they were as a couple rested in the palms of his hands and had for quite some time.

“You have no idea…” Grady’s voice faded away as he shook his head in what Brienne would have said was despondency. He shot her a sideways glance before turning away from her and walking to where the alarm system panel was in the small foyer. He stared at it for a moment and she was unsure of what the significance was until he ever so slowly opened a part of himself that she’d never witnessed before. “Word of the suicide bomber walking into that makeshift hospital tent made out of cheap canvas hit the airwaves while I was in the communications bunker in Kandahar. I didn’t even pick up the phone when it rang. Why should I have someone tell me what I already knew? Just to hear the words I already understood to be the end of her? I’d never known pain like that…shattered, slicing agony to the point a person can’t physically move.”

Brienne wondered just how far her selfishness went as she held back her tears. She hadn’t meant for Grady to share with her that devastating moment upon discovering his wife had died. All she’d wanted was for him to say there was room in his life for her. A happy ending. Wasn’t that what she’d been brought up to hear?

Nothing was ever simple though. Grady was describing exactly what she would go through if he were taken from this life. Walking away was something Brienne could physically carry out, but to go through life knowing his presence wasn’t somewhere in this world making a difference? That was beyond her ability to understand.

Grady removed his right hand from his pocket and pointed toward the security panel. He shook his finger as if he were admonishing the device and all it stood for. Brienne wanted to move closer, but couldn’t bring herself to make the effort.

“Madison didn’t know it, but I’d sent additional security for the mission she’d been assigned.” Grady barked out a humorless laugh. The loud sound caught Brienne off guard and she realized that he wasn’t even here with her. He was back there…in the darkness where she couldn’t reach him. “The contracted agents all lost their lives as well, leaving behind wives and children. A mass loss of life on a scale that was beyond imagining, and yet I didn’t think of them once that night.”

The disparaging rebuke Grady had undertaken wasn’t fair to himself, but Brienne doubted he would ever see the situation any differently. Those agents had understood the risk they were taking in the place that they found themselves. The only ones to carry the blame of lost lives were the insurgents, but they had been too busy celebrating to know that they had destroyed more than just a tent full of aid workers.

“I went through our lives together…memory by memory,” Grady whispered hoarsely as he started to walk the perimeter of the room. Brienne wanted to tell him to stop, that he didn’t have to talk about this anymore, but he cleared his throat and spoke over her. “I stared at Madison’s photograph for hours, wanting to memorize each feature to ensure her image never faded from my memory. It didn’t work. I lost the small imperfections first. There are times when I try to recall her face and it’s blurred. I did that. You also had a part in that.”

Brienne jerked back from her place behind the couch as if Grady had physically hit her. He might as well have. The accusation was like a direct blow to her stomach and she realized she could no longer do this. She desperately needed to leave and take a moment to regain her equilibrium, but he stopped her.

“Don’t you dare walk away from this, Brie,” Grady demanded in a voice filled with so much pain, Brienne could no longer hold back the tears. They slid down her face as she turned back to him, shaking her head in response. “You wanted this. I was foolish to think you wouldn’t, but here we are.”

“I wanted the chance to love you,” Brienne confessed, choking out the words as she took a step closer to him. Grady’s eyes were filled with so much pain that she stopped her advancement. “I wanted the chance to hold your hand through whatever the future holds instead of watching you from the distance that you insisted on. You were pushing me away, Grady. What would you have done if the roles had been reversed? I never meant—”

“To replace Madison?” Grady asked, getting to the heart of the problem. His lips formed the saddest of smiles and Brienne braced herself for the final blow. She’d known it would end like this, but imagining it and experiencing it were two very different concepts. “You didn’t replace Madison and you certainly didn’t erase her memory. We both had a hand in that, but it’s the progression of life that is responsible for time passing and memories fading.
That
is what I’m having trouble accepting.”

“You—”

“You’re asking me to risk going through that again, Brie.”

The brutal honesty of Grady’s words stole her breath. He finally closed the distance between them and cradled her face in the palms of his hands in the tender manner she’d come to cherish. Brienne closed her eyes against the accusation in his, accepting the blame.

“Yes,” Brienne answered genuinely as she opened her eyes to see Grady’s acceptance and knowing from this moment forward that everything would be as it should be. He was willing walk through hell all over again…for her. “Yes, that is what I am asking of you. But it’s nothing that I’m not demanding of myself, Grady. Horrific scenarios run through my head every time you leave my office, my apartment, the city, for another country where we walk around with targets on our backs. I can’t possibly imagine what it is like to lose the person you love, but I do know what it is like to have found him. The love I feel for you can physically bring me to my knees and I don’t want to live without that, Grady. I don’t want to walk through the rest of my life without you by my side.”