F*ck Feelings (7 page)

In my twenties, I had confidence in myself and things were really going my way; I got a series of raises and promotions, girls were interested in
me, and I was basically considered a hot property and likely to succeed. Then, a few years ago, I got a new boss who really didn't like me, my career stalled, and I wound up having to take a dead-end job just to pay the bills. I know that if I were really competent I would find my way back to the fast track and get my career started again, but the economy has tanked and I just can't make it happen. I've gone from star to peon in two years and it's hard not to feel depressed. My goal is to get back my groove.

It's hard to feel like a winner if you're poorer or less accomplished than your friends, making less money that you used to, and seeing no prospects for doing better in the near future. By this logic, if others are winning, that means the loser must be you.

As a society and as individuals we buy into these measures of self-worth, in spite of knowing that bad luck is measured by being poor or alone or losing whatever you had, and that it happens to people who in no way deserve it. The nasty vicious cycle that threatens us all is that, if we let bad luck make us feel like losers, then feeling like a loser generates its own kind of bad luck. Either you protect yourself from taking bad luck personally, or taking it personally brings you down further.

In reality, many people who feel their lives are going nowhere or sliding downhill are actually doing a good job with an unfair mess, trying to do honest work, take care of relatives, and be good friends. They feel like they're failing life's trials but, in fact, they're not, nor have they let low self-esteem drive them into addiction, self-absorption, or bitterness. Indeed, soldiering on when you feel diminished, lonely, and out-competed takes great strengths and is one of life's ultimate accomplishments.

Having no hope of finding a partner is a major source of deep feelings of failure, yet it often happens to people who are not making social mistakes, neglecting their actual assets, or suffering from nothing other than a lack of confidence and decent selection procedures. It's great when there's a simple fix, but often there isn't, because life is sometimes a social desert for people whose looks, age, skills, or
other burdens put a wall between them and the society they're stuck in and with. Plus, if they blame themselves and tolerate bad dates and nonaccepting friends, they wind up worse.

If, on the other hand, they maintain a faith in their own capacity to connect, despite long periods of isolation and loneliness, and stick to their standards, they are more likely to get across the desert eventually and find the socially compatible oasis they deserve.

So forget about the goal of feeling good about yourself. Enjoy bursts of confidence when you can and take credit for your hard work, but beware making confidence a goal, because that implies control, responsibility, and blame when you can't make it happen, and it's wrong and cruel to blame yourself when you're stuck with a hard life, crap luck, or some deadly combination of the two.

Instead, assume you're stuck with shit and ask yourself what a good person should do in your situation. A good person is not someone who is trying to be happy, because that's not possible, but someone who is trying to do right. Make your plans as concrete, realistic, and businesslike as possible, with numbers and timelines. Then monitor your progress, grading yourself according to how you do, not how you feel. You may seem to do little more in a month than get your work done, feed the kids, and make a few phone calls. If, however, you're doing everything you can reasonably expect yourself to do, in spite of poverty, loss, social isolation, and all the other dispiriting feelings that can drag down your soul, you're right on course for success.

It's hard not to compare yourself to others, but try instead to set your own standards, taking into account what you know you're capable of, and refer to them often. You might not always feel like a winner, but you'll never lose.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Some ability that doesn't suck

• A friend or lover anytime before you die

• Just one reason for confidence and optimism

• Dreams that might actually happen

• The ability to look in the mirror or back on your life without horror

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Do your best to survive

• Act as if you like yourself

• Keep busy and distracted

• Avoid adding to your troubles

• Change your underwear in the hope that it will change your luck

Here's how you can do it:

• Replace “should have” and “could have” with “just can't” and “it is what it is”

• List the daily activities you consider necessary for work, health, survival, and nurturing a personal life

• Grade yourself daily, as if you were evaluating a friend

• Give extra points every time you treat yourself or do something positive during times when you feel like a loser who deserves nothing

• Get a dog (cats are an acceptable substitute, but it's not exactly confidence building to have a box of shit in your house)

Here's what to say to someone/yourself when you feel trapped, stuck, and totally below average.

Dear [Me/Beloved Pet/The Ceiling],

I know I lack self-confidence, related to my lack of [skills/cash/education/good looks] and inability to [feel more self-confident after I see my therapist/take antidepressants/read self-help books]. However, I haven't let it drive me to [insert illegal and/or addictive activity], at least not yet, and I'm still taking care of business. I'm still confident in my ability to ignore how confident I [don't] feel while I wait for my luck to turn.

Of the many things you're supposed to feel for yourself before others can follow suit—i.e., love, admiration, even lust—confidence is among the most misleading. The idea that if you believe in yourself, you can persuade others to follow your command, is sold to us near the end of many movies when the unlikely hero finally takes the crown. Sadly, what's true for Luke Skywalker is rarely true for the rest of us.

People often believe that, with enough training, fitness, or self-hypnosis, they can gain the ability to influence others, sell goods, get clients, get votes, get laid, etc.—all of which depends on the strength of their self-belief. If anything interferes with that self-belief, they become obsessed with trying to figure out how to release the magic or undo the damage, a process that can become a self-critical, self-centered spiral into the dark side.

In reality, persuasiveness depends on, and can be harmed by, factors that are beyond your control, including anxiety, depression, and other illness. Just because you're successfully persuasive today doesn't mean you will be tomorrow, and believing that recovering or maintaining this ability is all up to you just worsens your feelings of failure.

In addition, many people just aren't articulate and never will be. We love to see shy, ugly people transform into great, persuasive performers and politicians—in what other universe would
The King's Speech
become a movie?—but the fact that we have to pay to see it at the movies, or get a personal intervention from God, tells you that most of us are who we are and have to work with what we've got.

Certainly, you should work hard, train well, and do what you can to build and rebuild your confidence. If, however, your influence is nevertheless waning or just wan and unimproved, don't self-destruct on self-doubt. Be prepared to admit, after trying all the usual remedies, that maybe there's nothing you can do to get it or get it back, so there's no point in ruminating about what you did wrong. You can still believe in yourself, as long as you believe that your flaws and misfortunes are part of the package.

Don't blame yourself for an accidental encounter with self-doubt, because there's still much to be done. It may not be as easy or as much fun to win someone over as it would be if you were silver-tongued, but having a silver tongue is not the only way to be effective.

In any case, don't try to control your confidence in your power of persuasion, as much as you would wish for it. Instead, use whatever other methods you can find, even if they're not interesting or fun, to get the job done.

Among the wishes people express when they yearn for the power to persuade:

• To find the confidence to release their inner persuader

• To move the world with the strength of their words and beliefs, or at least move a date, key family members, or important clients

• To stop overthinking and trying to defeat themselves

• To understand where their mojo's gone

• To trick themselves into thinking they're great so others will follow

Here are three examples:

I used to be able to hold my students spellbound, but ever since my stroke it's hard to keep their attention. My speech is clear and my memory is solid, but my words don't flow and sometimes I get nervous and blush, which never happened before. Then I doubt myself, which just
gets me more off my rhythm, and I start to notice they're fidgeting and bored, and it's even harder to get back on track. My goal is to figure out how to get back my ability to lecture to my standards or let myself down and retire.

If I wasn't her son (and only child), I bet I could get my mother to stop drinking. I'm always nervous about how she's going to respond, so I'm always hesitant and apologetic, instead of telling her why she needs to quit. It's depressing that I can't get through to her, but with Dad long gone, I don't know anyone else she'll listen to. My goal is to get the confidence to speak to her effectively and get her sober.

There are three guys at the dealership I work at who know less about the cars than I do, but they sell them better because they really think they're hotshots. I've studied the sales material carefully and know it cold, and I sell enough cars to keep my job, but I hate getting beat by guys who are just better at bullshitting than I am. My goal is to get the confidence to be a better bullshitter or get better at bullshit so I'll have more confidence, get the bonuses, and never feel screwed over again.

Just because you lack persuasive abilities for one reason or another, or find them unequal to the task at hand, doesn't mean that you
should
be able to be more persuasive and should keep trying until you are. There's a certain point—let's call it the desperation fulcrum—at which pushing yourself to be more articulate makes you repetitive, boring, and overeager, driving people further away from your point of view.

Unfortunately, practice doesn't make perfect; at some point, after you've consulted advisers, tried exercises, and analyzed obstacles, it's time to accept that the problem is what it is. If you keep on looking at improving persuasiveness as the goal of a failed quest, life will seem increasingly negative and hopeless, and the fulcrum point will move ever closer with each new negotiation.

If you accept your problem as an unfortunate dysfunction you've done your best to fix, then the failure isn't personal. You've done a
good job pushing your limits (even if they pushed right back) and it's time to look for alternatives.

Remember, persuasiveness is one of those abilities that can do both good and harm. It can get you sales, votes, and deals, but it also gives you the power to take advantage of others or use negative emotions to get their support, and this may turn into mini–
Wolf of Wall Street
, damaging your reputation (and eternal soul) in the long run. Even if you get them to do things for you that they wouldn't for someone else, their motivation will disappear if they think they don't have your attention.