F*ck Feelings (39 page)

We want to honor and love our parents. That is hard to do and may be self-destructive when your parent is an Asshole. If you react to an Asshole parent without a clear sense of right and wrong, however, you can become dangerously reactive to negative feelings and the bad things they push you to do. What helps is to honor the
ideal
of a parent, accepting that, even if your parent is the anti-ideal, the ideal is well worth respecting and trying to live up to.

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for post-Asshole-parent treatment are:

• To stop the nastiness and be a real family

• To get over an unhappy childhood

• To stop letting an Asshole upbringing cause them to be irresistibly drawn to dating Assholes

• To understand why they still feel helpless and enraged after their parent does the same old nasty routine for the millionth time

Here are some examples:

My mother is a drama queen who tries to control everyone in the family, and believes she's doing it for our own good. She can get verbally nasty, and when we were kids, she'd hit us. At seventy-nine years old, she still has a horrible temper, and when her fits are over, she either forgets her bad behavior or it's the other guy's fault. I avoided conflict with her until a year ago, when she was mean to my kids, and then I got terribly angry and literally told her off and cut off all ties. Since then I have suffered from terrible guilt and wondered whether I'm just like her. I know she sees herself as an abandoned, mistreated victim. I don't want to be mean to her and I don't want the insults to start again. My goal is to figure out what to do with her.

My father can't stop bad-mouthing my wife and refuses to talk to her at family events. He was always a difficult man—I don't know how my mother put up with him—but he was nice to me as his only son until I got married. Now it hurts when he doesn't return my calls, and I'm sorry he has no contact with my kids, but I don't know how to get through to him. My wife is fine not having him around since he's so mean to her, but I still feel like it's wrong to not have my father in my life, and in my kids' lives. My goal is to figure out how to do right by both him and my wife.

My father-in-law has always been difficult and had a drinking problem, but he's my husband's only surviving parent and our kid's only grandparent, so I've found ways to put up with his visits over the years. The problem is that he's decided to move closer to our family, to see his grandkid, and it's turning into a nightmare. I'm a stay-at-home mom because my son's too young for school, and he shows up at all hours, unannounced, sometimes tipsy, just wanting me to amuse him and listen to him complain about how unfair his life has been and how unloving my husband is as a son. He also promises to do things with my son all the time, like go fishing or just to the store, and then breaks his promise at the last minute, or just forgets, because he drinks. My husband doesn't know what to do, but he's terrified to say anything because he thinks it'll break his dad's heart and he might harm himself. My goal is find a way to get my husband to see how horrible his father is, and that we need a change.

If life were fair, you could get these parents to see that their bad behavior is ruining an important family connection you're doing your best to preserve. Assuming that you don't hold a grudge and aren't interested in confrontation or compensation, you'd like nothing better than for these grandparents to be able to control themselves and enjoy quality time with their grandchildren, their kids, and really anyone with a pulse.

In that fair world, they'd listen, apologize, and attend Assholes Anonymous (as if an Asshole would ever settle for anonymity), plus
butter would be good for you, and we'd get more episodes of
The Wire
and
Firefly
.

If you pursued your wishes instead of accepting reality in our unfair
Firefly-
free universe, you'd tell these jerks what they did wrong, insist that they get help, and refuse to talk to them until they did. Well . . . they'd get help, all right. They'd join a group of Parents Abused by Their Adult Children, whine themselves to sleep, and leave multiple tirades on your voice mail. Then you'd agonize over your guilt with friends, therapists, deep-dish pizzas, etc.

It's hard to give up your wish to get through to an Asshole parent because their scary, irrational blame looms so large in a child's life, seeming to fill and control the world. You have to remember that, as an adult, you have your own values and experiences. Whether or not his anger can still cause you pain, it doesn't change your choices or your judgment of yourself. Don't try to get through to him when you know that it's never worked before. Accepting his nature as an Asshole helps you avoid conflict, minimizes his opportunities to do his Asshole thing, and gives him just enough contact and caring to fulfill your familial obligation/guilt.

Above all, don't take responsibility for an Asshole parent's guilt and unhappiness and don't show it if you feel it. You can't make him happy. You can't change your own feelings. You
can
become a competent Asshole-parent wrangler by setting the rules, looking confident, optimistic, and guilt free, and making the most of your allotted time with Assholes you love.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Freedom from a feeling of impending doom whenever the Asshole is around

• The ability to make an Asshole parent happy (her happiness is way beyond anyone's control, including hers)

• The option to bring your parent into the bosom of your family if and when she needs it

• A way to protect your family from nastiness

• Peace, justice, fairness, and a good relationship

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• The strength to do what you think is right, regardless of an Asshole parent's anger, or your reaction to it

• A way to protect your own positive view of your family without referencing your parent's negative views

• Limits on the Asshole's opportunity to vent during brief, managed encounters

• Positive things the two of you can share and honor

Here's how you can do it:

• Determine whether there are any good things you can actually accomplish with and for an Asshole parent (like improving her health, security, and relationships) that are likely to do some good and not be defeated by her being an Asshole

• Given your limited resources and the above realities, figure out your own responsibilities, if any, for making this happen

• Use a variety of techniques (avoiding one-to-one encounters, meeting in public places or places you can leave, sending messages by mail rather than telephone or face-to-face) to keep emotions from escalating

• Respect yourself for what you're doing regardless of the negative response you'll probably get and the angry, helpless feelings you'll have to endure

Here's what to say to an Asshole parent who is asking you for more than you are prepared to give and charging you with crimes you didn't commit.

Dear [Asshole Parent],

I appreciate all the good things you've done for me and I've listened carefully to what you have to say. I'm impressed with how [hard you work/well you get through crises/much you claim I put you through]. I don't agree with your thoughts about [my terrible parenting/ungrateful attitude/haircut], so I will stick with my plans to [cut short unpleasant phone calls /let a real babysitter who's sober watch the kids/skip that month-long family vacation to a one-room cabin in Alaska] because I think they represent the best compromise for everyone. Now that we've talked it over, this subject is closed. I'll be in touch in a couple of days, and we can discuss [what good coupons you have this week/that disgusting movie they talked about on the news that you thought I'd like /anything else].

Given the Asshole's tunnel-vision, friend-or-enemy, black-or-white worldview, she has no choice but to turn everyone against you if she feels you've wounded her, even inadvertently. You may feel like she's using a next-level version of the playground strategy “I'm rubber and you're glue,” where she tells everyone that
you're
the Asshole who did her wrong, letting the blame slide off her and stick to you. In fact, the gesture is deeper, more sincere, and a lot more desperate and dangerous.

Assholes share their feelings with your kids, friends, child-abuse hotlines, judges, the local news affiliate, the entire Internet. Since their feelings tell them what really happened, they never doubt themselves. Therefore, what they say carries the ring of truth. You're lucky if you can just leave town and start over under another name.

If, by any chance, being falsely accused of vicious, predatory behavior makes you angry enough to express your indignation and prove your innocence, you're in even deeper shit. You can never win a sincere outrage contest with an Asshole. Your anger just makes you look even guiltier.

In the long run, Assholes' lies often become obvious because they're not clever and calculating about covering up facts. Gathering and examining facts takes time; however, those who are skeptical and look for them will discover the truth. Meanwhile, you may find
yourself answering embarrassing questions from people who don't believe you, losing the faith and confidence of your kids, family, and community, and facing restraining orders and mounting legal costs.

Instead of wasting time thinking about how this Asshole could ruin your reputation, motivate yourself to think strategically and keep your mouth shut. No matter how much you want to protest the sheer insanity of what's happening, do not give her that satisfaction.

Among the wishes people express when they write us or come for Asshole takedown treatment are:

• To get people to see the truth and clear their name

• To make the investigation end already

• To be allowed to get their tools out of the garage and keep their ex from burning them

• To find a way to see the kids and explain their side

• To stop having to go to court to defend themselves against false accusations

Here are some examples:

My marriage has been falling apart for several years, but I've got two nice kids and the more my wife yelled at us, the more I felt they needed me to stick around and protect them. I didn't see it coming, though, when she had me served with a restraining order claiming
I had bruised her. I've never touched her in my life, but I couldn't get the cops or the judge to believe me and they just told me to calm down, as if I was explosive. Then I got a call from a social worker who says someone, she won't say who, has reported me for sexually abusing my daughter. Meanwhile, I can't see my kids. So finally I got a lawyer, whom I can't really afford, while I sleep on my mother's couch and borrow money from friends. My goal is to stop my life from falling apart.

My ex-husband was a smooth-talking jerk who never did much with the kids, work, or me. Mainly, he loved drinking and spending time and much of his paycheck with his bar buddies, who think he's a great guy, as do our kids. Meanwhile, I've become mean and cranky while earning the money he didn't bring home and doing all the parenting while he was out. I hid that from the kids, and he always acts like there was nothing wrong with his behavior and that our divorce was just me being mean to an innocent guy. The kids blame me and give my new boyfriend a very hard time, though he's a great guy who will almost certainly become their stepdad. I don't want to bad-mouth my ex to the kids but my boyfriend doesn't deserve this shit and neither do I. My goal is to get the kids to see their father for who he is and stop punishing me and my boyfriend.