Fearless (7 page)

He laughed. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d kind of like to get married before the baby comes along.” 

“How do the boys feel about it? Have you talked to them yet?”

He shook his head before taking a drink of wine. “Just today, in fact.”

She tried to quash the disappointment. She didn’t know why she’d hoped last night might have changed his perspective. Obviously, he’d made up his mind, as she had. Nothing was going to change that for either of them.

“How do they feel about having more family?”

He laughed. “They were cool with it until they realized the step-mom in question wasn’t you.”

She quickly swallowed the mouthful of wine before she spewed it across her lap. “Me? Why would they think that?”

He gave her a sidelong glance that travelled up her bare legs, over her breasts, before finally settling on her face. “They’re not blind, Lex. They can see there’s something between us. Even if they hadn’t suspected it before, that kiss would have given them a clue.”

She shook her head. “That was stupid; we shouldn’t be sending them mixed messages about our relationship.”

“I agree; the last thing I want to do is confuse them.”

She looked over at him. She was in love with this man; there was no doubt about it. For years, she’d been trying to convince herself that she loved him as a friend, nothing more. But it was time to be honest with herself. No matter what happened, it would always be him and only him.

“What kind of woman are you looking for, Josh?” It was torture to think about, much less talk about. But she had to prepare herself for the inevitable.

He closed his eyes, as if visualizing his ideal mate. “She would have to love kids. Obviously, I want someone who gets along with my boys. She might even have kids of her own, but I’m definitely hoping she’ll want to have at least one more. That’s kind of a deal breaker for me.”

Her heart clenched. She already knew kids were important to him, but it still hurt to hear him tell her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t the woman for him. “Kids are important. What else?”

“She’d have to be beautiful, smart, funny, sexy...”

She laughed. “Anything else?”

“I want the kind of marriage my parents have, ya know? I want someone who cares enough to listen, call me to task when I’m being an ass, and love me through the hard times. I want her to need me as much as I need her.”

She knew he was sending her a message. She had told Josh countless times that she would never need a man to make her life complete. “Sounds like you’re looking for a throwback to June Cleaver. Good luck finding her.” 

He shook his head. “No, not all. I want someone who’s strong and independent, but not so independent that she doesn’t need me. I don’t mind being vulnerable, admitting that I need another person to complete my life.”

“You’ve been alone a long time. Are you saying you’ve been unhappy all these years?” She’d watched women wander in and out of his life, but none seemed to enrich it in any way. She was perfectly happy being alone; she didn’t understand why he felt he needed another person to complete him. As far as she was concerned, that revealed an innate weakness in him.

“No, I haven’t been unhappy. But I haven’t been as happy as I could have been had I had someone to share my life with.” He opened his eyes to look at her. “What about you? Why the hell are you so determined to go it alone?”

She knew this question was coming. He’d asked it before, but she’d always been able to satisfy him with a flippant response. That was before they’d acknowledged their attraction to each other.

She knew he wouldn’t be so quick to let her off the hook this time. “I had a lousy example growing up, Josh.”

“Still, you were willing to take a chance with Chris. What happened to change your mind?”

“He changed,” she said quietly.

“How so?”

She listened to the sound of the boys’ laughter in the distance. She could only hope none of them would grow up to be the kind of man her ex-fiancé had been. “He became jealous, possessive...”

“Violent?”

The word hung in the air between them. She knew if she acknowledged the truth, she would be opening Pandora’s box. “Yes,” she whispered.

He gripped his armrest. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She bit into her bottom lip hard enough to taste the tang of blood on her tongue. She had never been able to talk about this with anyone outside of her therapist’s office. “He beat me,” she said quietly, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see the look on his face.

“Did it happen more than once?”

She knew he was struggling to maintain his composure and she appreciated the effort it must have cost him. “Yes. I wish I could say that I left him after it happened once, but I didn’t. I let him go on hitting me for months before I finally got the courage to leave.”

“Is that why you stopped coming home to see your sister?”

She nodded. “There were lots of cuts and bruises. At first, I was able to hide them under my clothes, but then he started hitting me in the head and face. I knew there was no way I could explain that away. Besides, he didn’t want me to come home.”

“Why?”

“It was because of you.”

He sat up and turned to face her. “Because of me? What are you talking about?”

“He thought there was something between us. He thought I was attracted to you.”

His face drained of color. “Is that why he beat you, because of me?”

“Partially, but any man who looked at me would set him off. He was convinced I was cheating on him. He was desperate to get married. I even caught him puncturing the condoms with pins once. I guess he thought I wouldn’t have a choice if I got pregnant; I’d have to marry him.”

He raked his hands over his head. “I can’t believe you went through that and didn’t say a word to anyone about it.”

“I was too ashamed. Sierra and I grew up watching our father beat our mother. We always swore we would never get involved with a man like that.”

He reached over and grabbed her hand. “It wasn’t your fault, Lexi. You were a victim.”

She shuddered. “I hate that word. I don’t want to be a victim, not anymore. That’s when I made the decision to take control of my life. I figured out the fastest way to financial independence was through income producing real estate, so I prepared a business plan and went to almost every bank in the state. Of course, they all turned me down, so I went to Trey for the money.” 

“Obviously, he gave it to you.”

“I didn’t want to ask him. I wanted to do it on my own, but I had to swallow my pride or let my dream die. Swallowing my pride seemed like the only option. I was able to pay him back with interest within two years and I’ve never looked back.”

He smiled. “Have I told you that I think you’re amazing?”

She shrugged. “I’m not amazing. I just did what I had to do. I found a way to survive. I got him out of my life, and I figured out a way to take care of myself so I would never have to depend on a man again.”

“Lexi...”

She knew he was going to dispute her words, but she refused to hear it. “I didn’t just want to learn how to take care of my needs financially. I wanted to be able to take care of myself physically too. First, I became a runner and started running marathons. I thought if he tried to attack me, I’d be able to outrun him. Then I took up kickboxing, so I’d be able to kick his ass next time he came within ten feet of me.”

“Did you get a restraining order?”

She chuckled. “Of course, but it wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.”

“Unfortunately, the law can only do so much to protect a woman from an abusive partner.”

She looked him in the eye. “I know; that’s why I bought a gun.”

His mouth dropped open. “Are you serious?”

“Damn straight.” She threw back the rest of her wine. “I’m never going to be anyone’s victim again, Josh.”

“Lexi, guns can be dangerous if...”

She held her hand up to stop his lecture. “I’ll put you to shame at the shooting range, Mr. Sharp Shooter. I know that gun more intimately than my last lover.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Is that so? He couldn’t have been much of a lover.”

“On a scale of one to ten, he was a seven. Not great, not bad.”

He grinned, revealing a flash of white teeth. “You shouldn’t be wasting your time on a seven, Lexi. Let me show you what a ten feels like.”

Chapter Six

He was trying to lighten the mood, but he realized his comment had the opposite effect when he saw her eyes darken with desire. It took everything in him not to straddle her chair and take her mouth again. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that his kids were only a few feet away.

“Josh, this is dangerous territory,” she said, licking her lips.

“I know.”

He had been wrestling with this for months, trying to deny his attraction to her. He kept trying to convince himself they had no future, that they were two very different people who had different life goals. He wanted kids and a wife; she wanted to enjoy the single life. Yet she was everything he said he wanted in a woman. She was beautiful, sexy, smart, and funny. She got along great with his kids. She listened and offered advice when he had a problem. She called him to task when he needed a tongue-lashing. She was strong and independent. There was only one problem. She didn’t love him, not the way he needed to be loved.

“I should go,” she said quietly.

He knew she was right, but he couldn’t bring himself to agree. He didn’t want her to walk out of his life, not tonight or any other night. Yet he knew she would. He knew her too well to think she would ever change her mind about her future, and he knew himself too well to think he would ever be happy with the casual relationship she said she wanted. He wanted her, in his bed, as his wife and the mother of his children. He wasn’t willing to settle for less, and if he couldn’t have it all, he had no choice but to let her go.

“You know this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, don’t you?” he said.

If his marriage had taught him one thing, it was that trying to change another person was futile. His ex-wife was a free spirit, much like Lexi. She loved her job as a flight attendant, enjoyed the travel to exotic destinations, meeting new people, and being independent. They talked about her taking a break when the kids were young, but she decided she wasn’t willing to give up a career she enjoyed to be a stay-at-home mom. That was the beginning of the end of their marriage. They worked alternate shifts, rarely saw each other, and when they did, they would argue. The tension and frustration continued to build until they finally had to acknowledge their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for anymore. He hadn’t been able to change Ashley, hadn’t been able or willing to change herself, and as a result, the life he’d built his dreams around crumbled.

He couldn’t help but note the irony of the situation he found himself in now. He was years older, supposedly wiser, yet reliving the same mistakes he’d made back then. He had subconsciously spent the past several months trying to convince himself that he could change Lexi’s mind, make her see things his way. He thought he could make her believe that their relationship could work if only she were willing to give it a chance. He was asking her to be the woman he wanted her to be, a woman who wanted a lifetime commitment with just one man. She wasn’t that woman, and she never would be. He finally had to acknowledge the truth. He didn’t have the power to change her. The only person whose actions he could control were his own, and it was time for him to start taking control now.

He forced himself off the chair. “Let me walk you to your car.”

She hesitated, obviously surprised. “Ah, yeah okay, just let me say good-bye to the boys.”

He watched her open the gate and walk down the path to the bonfire. He wrestled with the devil on his shoulder telling him he was a fool to let her go instead of begging her to stay. He knew he could convince her to stay tonight, pick up where they left off last night, but it would be impossible to let her go if he made love to her.

There was no question he was in love with her. His boys had surprised him with the comment earlier, but he knew they were right. The more time he spent with her, the harder it was to fight his feelings. He wanted to tell her how he felt, beg her for a chance, but he knew it was pointless.

It wouldn’t change anything.

He heard the voices and laughter drifting through the air, both feminine and masculine. Those kids were probably thrilled to be getting some face time with their fantasy girl. Hell, he knew exactly how they felt. That’s how she made him feel, like an insecure teenager with a crush on the head cheerleader. She was the girl every guy wanted, but couldn’t have.

He cursed and scrubbed his hands over his face. Getting over her was going to be hell. Not only was he losing the woman he loved, but one of his best friends.

She walked halfway up the path toward him. “I’m just gonna head inside and grab my bag, Josh. I’ll meet you by the car?”

He nodded, though he knew she couldn’t see him through the veil of darkness. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, sure, I’ll be right there.”

He flipped a switch to light her path as he watched her walk away. He waited until he heard the front door open and close before descending the steps and retracing her steps. He waited by her car, kicking stones in the dirt, trying to find the words to make this less painful.

She came out a few minutes later, her small bag over her shoulder. She paused in front of him, her hand resting on the door handle. “Thanks for dinner and the company. It was great, Josh.”

He nodded, trying to force the words out.

She placed her fingertips against his lips and smiled. “It’s okay; I know what you’re thinking.”

He looked into her eyes. It would be so easy to just lure her back inside and make love to her just this once. 

She let her hand fall to her side and reached up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “You are one of the best friends I’ve ever had, Josh. I know things won’t be the same between us moving forward, but I just wanted you to know that.” She brushed her lips against his. “Good luck. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”