Feel My Love (6 page)

Chapter 9

Brynn

I quickly jump in the shower
and dress in a light purple tank top and jean shorts, pulling my long hair into a messy bun, while Ryan cooks us omelets, and then we both sit down at the kitchen island to eat.  The food is devoured in relative silence, with only quick glances and smiles stolen every few minutes.  We finish the omelets that Ryan made us for breakfast and are both sitting on the couch with random music playing softly in the background, while we are chatting about different things. 

“Rock climbing?  Really?  You were afraid to look down a stairwell when we were younger, and now you’re wi
llingly throwing yourself around mountains?”  Ryan looks shocked as he asks me about it.  “I know, I know.  I’m still pretty terrified of heights, but you know just how much I love being outdoors.  When I was a sophomore in college, there was this guy, Nate that I met at a house party.”  Ryan’s eyebrows pull in and he shifts a bit uncomfortably in his seat, but I pretend not to notice. 

“
He was an avid rock climber and wanted to surprise me on our first date by taking me to the top of a cliff with a blindfold on.  When he took it off, I immediately froze in fear of being so high, but he made me look along the horizon and focus on the beauty that was surrounding us instead of the death fall below us.  He told me that the only way to go down was to rappel, so I thought I would take a chance and try it.  It was beautiful to focus on the sky and the feel of the cliff and I realized I wasn’t as scared as I thought I was.  We only dated a few times after that, but we’re still good friends and I go rock climbing with him and Andy often.” 

Ryan balls his hands into fists and asks “
Who?”  I bunch my eyebrows together, wondering if he’s actually jealous that I still see Nate, and then I realize the confusion must come from the other name I said. 

“Andy is Nate’s wife.”  I smile, and
glance at his knuckles as they start to get some color back into them when he loosens his fists. “I actually introduced Andy to Nate. I tutored her in chemistry our junior year.”  I slightly cringe then smile, thinking about how Ryan thought I was a lost cause when it came to chemistry, when really I thought he might have been. 

“Well, Andy was such a happy spirit and she was so outgoing, so I brought her to a party that I knew Nate would be at and they were inseparable after that
night.  They were actually married on the side of the cliff he took me to and I was the maid of honor.” 

“Were you in Becca’s wedding
, too?”  Ryan asks, with an odd edge to his voice when he says it.  I look down at my hands gripping my water bottle in my lap and clear my throat.  Becca had asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding, but my parents told her that if I were going to be anywhere near her wedding that they wouldn’t pay for it.  Becca seemed torn when she told me about what they had said, but I figured it was better for her to have a memorable wedding without me there than to cause a riff between Becca and my parents as well, so I stayed in San Diego.  I’m not sure if Ryan actually attended the wedding, so I figure it’s better to tell the truth, well, not really.

“Uh, no.”  I grunt out, having a very hard time talking about my family.  “I had something come up with work that week, so I couldn’t make it.”  It’s the only thing I can think of to say that won’t add more questions, but luckily it steers the topic in a totally different direction. 

Ryan scrunches his brows together and says “What
do
you do for work?  I asked Kara last night at the bar and she wouldn’t tell me.  She made it seem like something really secretive, so I’m guessing you’re either a spy or an exotic dancer.”  I laugh at the gleam in Ryan’s eyes and the slight smile on his lips. 

“Well,
I’m way too clumsy to be a spy and even though I have the moves and the rockin’ body to be an exotic dancer, I’m not.  I design websites for different companies, though now I think I should quit and seek out the closest strip club.” I say, rubbing my chin and grinning. 

“
Please don’t dance at a strip club.  I don’t think my heart, or my pants for that matter, could take the strain of you willingly spinning around a pole.” I giggle while Ryan shifts a bit in his seat and then clears his throat before he starts talking again. 

“W
ebsites, huh?  That’s pretty cool.  Also another thing I never thought I’d see you doing, but the smile on your face tells me that you love doing it.  You are just full of surprises, aren’t you Brynnie?” My smile fades a bit, so I shake my head and look down to my lap. 

“No, I’m not really full of surprises.  We just haven’t seen or talked to each other in almost a decade, Ry.  Things change.  I’m not working at the grocery store
anymore and I certainly didn’t think that you would be working at the hardware store like you were last time I saw you.”

 
“So, do you write your own songs as well?”  Ryan asks.  I smile, thankful that Ryan changed the subject because he can still tell when I don’t want to talk about certain things. “Nah, I can’t ever come up with the words to write songs, so I just take advantage of the brilliance of others and sing their masterpieces.” I laugh. 

“It’s pretty cool working at the Pour House because most of the time the song selection is so varied that I don’t get bored every night.  I get to sing so many different types of music,
new and old, that it keeps the job interesting and fun.”  He nods and after a small pause, I ask “What are you doing for a living?”

I realize that I have never asked him what he does for a job and I’m a bit embarrassed that I was selfish enough to not ask.  Ryan clears h
is throat and says “Well, I’m an architect now, have been for almost two years.  Before that I was working as the football coach at our high school.  I liked the job, but just didn’t make enough for the girls to do dance or tumbling and live in a house they could be proud to live in.” I smile and nod.

“Good for you Ry.  Sounds like you’ve been an amazing dad to those girls.
They are very lucky to have you.” I pause and then realize I want to know more about his girls, so I ask, “By the way, what are their names?”

Chapter 10

Ryan

My eyes widen when she asks this question.  I’m not sure if she’ll be upset about what I named the girl
s, but I chose their names because of Brynn.  Riley and Harper had always been the names that Brynn wanted to give to her own daughters when she had them. 

When Amber abandoned us at the hospital, I was in charge of giving my beautiful girls names, and when I first saw their sweet, innocent faces, I thought of my Brynn and what she would have wanted to call them. 

“Ryan?  What’s wrong?”  I look up at Brynn’s confused face and shift in my seat, not sure if she is going to be thrilled or pissed.  “Well, I’m not sure how you’re going to react to this, so I’ll just say it.” I say, cringing. 

“Their names are Riley Brynn and
Harper Marie.  Riley was born first; about three minutes before Harper.”  I pause, watching Brynn’s face go blank and her eyes widen at me.  She is silent for a few minutes and I am sure she is pissed at me, but then she starts to wipe at her cheeks. 
Is she crying?
 

“Brynnie?  Are you okay?  I hope I didn’t
upset you.”  What she does next throws me for a loop.  She leans forward and kisses me.  I feel a shock inside my body that I have never felt before.  It’s like fireworks are going off in every limb.  Her kiss is soft and sweet, but as soon as it begins, it ends and I instantly miss the connection.

It ta
kes me a few seconds to get my head to break through the fog she has just caused, and then I shake my head and say “What was that for?”  She smiles and clears her throat.  “That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard, Ryan.  Can I ask why you named them that?  And why you gave the girls my name for middle names?” 

Ah, yes.  “Well, Brynn Marie Harris”  I
say with a smirk and look down at my hands, “even before they were born, Amber had checked out of the whole parenting thing, and when they were born she wanted nothing to do with them.  She left without ever seeing them and checked herself out of the hospital while I was gone.  I was left with all of the fun tasks that come along with new parenting, including naming them both.  The only thing I could think of was the names that you had told me you loved for girls when we were younger and I used to make fun of you for naming your imaginary children.”  I look up at her and crinkle my nose at her and she giggles at me. 

“So, I can’t thank you enough for being girly and naming your
fake children because, in essence, you named mine.”  I smile wide just thinking of my beautiful little girls.  “But that doesn’t explain the middle names you gave them.  I mean, you could have given them your mom’s middle name or your grandmothers’ names.  Why me?”  She looks so confused, but I see this as the perfect opportunity to tell her exactly how I have felt about her since middle school.

“I gave them your name as their middle names because it was a tribute to the girl I loved more than anything in the world.  I still do, Brynnie.  I have always loved you.
” I squint, waiting for her reaction, but she just has a blank look on her face and her eyes are watery, so I continue. 

“
I wanted my girls to have a small piece of the most perfect girl in the world.  I thought you and I would be together in the end; that you would get rid of Jake and I would leave Amber, but I found out that Amber had wanted to get pregnant and rope me in because she thought she wanted to be married.  When she told me she was pregnant, I panicked.  I knew that I had to do what was expected of me as a man and get married to her, but I knew that I would also be giving up what I wanted with you and you would marry someone else and start your life.

“
That scared the shit out of me, Brynn.  You were always mine and I couldn’t stomach the thought of you married to someone else.  I know that sounds selfish because we never had anything, but as much as that text I sent you had killed me, I was secretly glad that I didn’t have to witness you moving on with your life when I couldn’t be a part of it.”  I was looking at the walls, but my vision was out of focus.  I can feel the tears welling up at the corners, so I clear my throat and shake my head. 
God, quit being such a pussy.

“I’m so, so sorry about that text, Brynn.”  I fe
el the tear run down my cheek and then Brynn grabs my hands and pulls them into her lap, making me turn my body so that I can face her, though I still can’t look her in the eye. 

“I was a dick and an asshole
.  Amber didn’t like the fact that I was still talking to you after we were married.  She thought I was cheating on her while she was pregnant.”  I roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of that.  Amber knew I would never cheat on her, but she thought getting pregnant would make sure we’d be together
forever
. 

“I always wanted you in my life and I figured after the girls were born, Amber would cool her fucking jets and stop being a psycho.  Instead, she left me to take care of two girls without her and I lost
everything
in the process.” 

I was so pissed off at Amber for everything she did to me, but couldn’t regret my time with the selfish bitch because I had my two beautiful girls be
cause of her.  I finally chance a look at Brynn.  She has tears streaming down her face and a sad look in her eyes.  I reach out to wipe the tears from her cheeks and she turns her face into my hands and bites her bottom lip.

“I’m so sorry, Brynn.  After the girls were born I searched everywhere for you.
I called your old number, but you must have changed it after you left. I talked to Jake,”  I grit my teeth together just saying that asshat’s name. 

I knew he cheated on Brynn when we graduated and I had tried to talk her into getting rid of him, but Brynn had told me that he was going to ask her to marry him, and she didn’t see any reason to wait to start her life. 
I thought he was a dick and secretly hoped that she would never marry him. 

Brynn let
s out a small giggle and sniffs, slightly wiping her nose with the back of her hand.  “I asked your college professors if they knew where you went. Hell, I even went to your parents to ask them.”  Brynn’s brows pull together and she stiffens. 

“What did my parents tell you when you asked them?” she
questions.  “Uh, they told me they didn’t know and that it was better to leave it that way.” I always thought they told me that because I had hurt her and they didn’t want me to find her, but the hurt and upset look on Brynn’s face tells me otherwise. 

Knowing I had just dropped an emotional bom
b on her, though, I figure we should leave her parents out of the conversation for a while.  “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I did to you, Brynn; but I want you to know that now that I know where you are, I won’t let you go again.” And I am dead serious.

Chapter
11

Brynn

Wow.
  He looks dead serious.  “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that text didn’t hurt me, because it did, Ryan.  It killed me to know that you were cutting me out of your life.”  He looks down at his lap and nods, and then looks back up at me with sadness in his eyes. 

“That text” I
continue and shake my head, thinking back to the day I had received it and what happened afterwards, “was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me.” I bring half of my mouth up in a sad smile.  Ryan just looks confused, so I sigh and then offer an explanation. 

“It was abo
ut ten seconds after you sent the text that I lost it.  I was at school, so I talked to my counselors about transcripts and transfers; I broke it off with Jake and when he tried telling me that we were going to get married, I threw it in his face that I knew he was sleeping with Melanie.”  I shake my head and let out a small laugh, remembering the way Jake’s face paled when I told him I’d caught him cheating. 

“Then, I applied for every out of state school I could think of
just so I could start over.  Two weeks after we last talked, SDSU gave me a full ride scholarship because of my grades, and I snagged all the money I had saved and moved down here with the knowledge that I got to start my life over; or actually got to start my life.” 

I
look into Ryan’s eyes, trying to figure out what he is thinking, but can’t pick out anything except sorrow. He wraps his arm around my shoulder, not sure if he’s trying to comfort me or himself.

I figure I should
change the subject and try to lighten the mood a little, so I say “I can’t tell you how shocking it was to see that I ran you over with my bike.  Fate is a curious thing, isn’t it?” I laugh.  “I didn’t think I would ever see you again.  Figured you and Amber had at least four rug rats running around and she was a stay at home mom while you worked some luxurious job to bring home the bacon.  I’m sorry your life didn’t turn out that way.”  I shrug at him, while he tilts his head and lowers his brows. 

“Why would you be sorry that my life didn’t turn out that way, Brynn?  That sounds like a horrible, boring life.”  I laug
h and he pulls me closer to him, so that I am practically sitting in his lap. 

“I am so glad my life didn’t turn out that way, Brynnie.  I would be miserable.  I was never in love with Amber and knew that I was just marrying her for the
girls; I think she knew it, too.  That’s probably why she checked out when she did.  I shut down from her after she made me stop talking to you.  I actually hated her after that, but knew I had to be civil, since she was my wife and all.”  Ryan’s eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles. 

Then he
looks down at our hands, which are now clasped together in my lap.  “It’s always been you, Brynn.  It’s only ever been you that I’ve been in love with.”

I
look down at our entangled hands and nod slowly.  Those were the words that I had waited since third grade to hear from this man.  I clear my throat and say “I have a confession to make.”  Glancing up at Ryan, I notice his face pales and he looks like he might throw up. 

“Oh no, it’s nothing bad!” I say, a
nd he lets out a puff of air and his shoulders slump down.  I chuckle “I haven’t had an actual boyfriend since Jake.  When I broke up with him and moved down here, I figured I could start a new life and find a great man that was faithful and honest and loved me.  But when I started dating, I could only go out with them a few times before I realized that something big was missing from all of them.”  I lean my face closer to Ryan, so our foreheads are touching, and look into his eyes. 

“The thing that was missing from all of these different guys was that they weren’t you.  I have been in love with you for I don’t know how long, and even though I’ve been trying to tell myself for the past eight years that you were gone and I needed to move on, I just couldn’t.
  I think I was always waiting for you.”  Ryan lets go of my hands and touches each side of my face, pulling me closer to him. 

“I can’t thank you enough for waiting, Brynnie, but I won’t make you wait anymore.”
Then his lips are on mine with such tenderness, that a tear rolls down my cheek. 

The first thing I notice is that his lips are so soft and sweet that I could kiss him forever and not get tired of it.  The second thing I notice is that this kiss isn’t one of those awkward friend kisses at all.  His kisses feel right and have more passion and feeling in them than any other man I have ever kissed. 

Instead of breaking off the kiss, Ryan’s lips become more hectic and I feel his tongue lick across the opening of my mouth.  I moan softly and give him what he wants, touching my tongue with his.  One of his hands moves from my left cheek to the back of my head, tangling with my hair and bringing me closer for our kisses, while his other hand slides down the side of my body until it’s tight against the small of my back. 

I love
how he keeps a tight grip on my back, but I want to be closer, so I shift and straddle his lap, placing my hands on his shoulders.

“
Oh God,
Brynn.  Baby, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment.”  Ryan says in between kisses.  When his lips move to my neck, I tilt my head to give him better access and smile.  “I do have an idea, Ryan.  I’ve been waiting probably longer than you have.” To that, Ryan playfully bites at my neck, making me squeal and push away from him.