Feel the Burn (2 page)

‘Wish you were here,’ I whispered while tears prickled. My arms started to shake again and I could feel the sorrow trying to take me. Squeezing my eyes shut, I lifted the jug, listening for the clink when it met the glass I gripped in my other hand. I poured; not opening my eyes, just listening till it sounded close to full, then slowly drew it to my lips. Water slopped my shirt but the rest I swallowed down, all the while fighting the urge to go to pieces again.

From the moment we’d arrived on Gar’nyse I had been permanently fighting grief and guilt. Grief for the life, the family and friends I’d left behind, and guilt for the pain caused. With Alek here, it felt manageable, especially as we were in the same situation. Now that grief felt more raw than ever. The constant reminder of why Alek had been adopted. And murdered.

With a soft touch Ignatius eased the door to the Princess’ room open, not wishing to disturb her if she still slept. He stopped short in surprise. Catherine sat at the table, head turned his way, and he inwardly flinched at the sight of those red, raw looking eyes, green irises in sharp contrast. From the bed the quiet steady sound of Kassandra’s breathing broke the silence.

Stepping into the room and closing the door, he bowed to Catherine then took a seat at the table.

‘Your Highness,’ he hesitatingly spoke. ‘I am deeply sorry for your loss.’

She nodded and visibly swallowed, setting the glass she held back on the table before nodding again, turning her head away from him. He watched while her shoulders and back shook, a tiny tragic sound escaping and she pulled her knees up onto the seat, wrapping both arms around her legs. The obvious pain emanating from her made him feel clumsy and he fumbled for something to say. Instead he reached out and tentatively placed a hand on her back, hoping to soothe. She flinched at the touch and he pulled back, abashed. To his astonishment she twisted around and flung herself at him, face pressed to his shirt while she sobbed helplessly. It went against any protocol, let alone his own capabilities, but Ignatius found himself stroking her back, making soothing sounds like those he’d heard his wife make to their daughters when they cried. Catherine’s arms were tight around his neck, her tears saturating the front of his shirt. Ignatius stopped stroking her hair, instead wrapping his arms firmly around her back and hugged her close, remembering the times he had seen Alek do the same. The sense of victory he’d imagined at such a time didn’t occur; instead his chest felt tight, constricted at her sorrow and he shushed away the broken apologies she muttered.

‘It’s okay, Catherine. It’s okay.’

The strong arms around me gave a sense of the comfort I so desired, but I knew it wasn’t fair to do this to Ignatius. Still, for that blissfully painful moment I pretended Alek held me tight and it only made the tears flow faster. It didn’t help that Ignatius did have such a similar look to him, the dark hair and blue eyes with a similar build.

How does this help, Cat? It won’t change anything, my rational voice gently pointed out. It may make things very awkward for Ignatius. This isn’t fair, you need to stop it. When I stiffened he released me and I met his eye with a shame-faced look.

‘I’m sorry.’

He waved a hand, dismissing the apology. I sat back on my seat and stared out the window, working on getting the tears under control. The light blue and white horizon helped, but also made anxiety swirl while I stared at the very real proof of being miles away from land. The silence was surprisingly pleasant and I shot a tentative glance at Ignatius then hastily drew my eyes back to the view. His eyes, a lighter blue than Alek’s but darker than the horizon, were sympathetic and kind. More than enough to trigger another wave of tears and I clenched my hands tight around my bare feet, rocking on the seat, resisting the urge. Water slapped outside the windows, the sound soothing, and it helped while I focused on staying calm, the pain retreating enough to let my mind go wonderfully blank for a sheer moment.

The mussed halo of red hair glowed in the morning light, its excessive volume making Catherine seem even smaller as she sat hunched on the chair in wrinkled night clothes. Ignatius studied her with an elbow on the table, his knees spread and a leg extended. The tight, squinting expression of pain left her eyes for a moment, face relaxing to almost normal. It caused a curious pang in his chest and he smiled, leaning forward. Catherine’s head turned at his movement, green eyes large and she blinked then winced. Hoping to distract her but not sure how best to, Ignatius launched into random conversation.

‘We are making excellent time. Vo’Arum should be on the horizon in less than two weeks.’

Catherine nodded, her brows drawing close when she frowned and cleared her throat, her voice rough.

‘Good.’

A loud rumble from the decks above broke the awkward silence as Ignatius tried to think of what to say next and he pounced on it, motioning with a finger at the ceiling.

‘The soldiers and allies are training. The Prince’s death has infuriated us all.’

The words slipped out before he thought it through and he inwardly kicked himself when Catherine’s face went stiff. He sat tense when she closed her eyes, rocking again on the seat and his stomach made an unpleasant twist. The urge to take her in his arms and comfort her again surprised him but he stayed still, waiting, allowing her the time she needed.

A quiet murmur caused him to lean closer.

‘Sorry, I didn’t hear that?’

Catherine looked up from staring at her toes, a foot in either hand as she sat hunched on the seat, her eyes wide.

‘Oh!’ she gave her head a light shake, the corners of her lips lifting briefly. ‘I was just wondering to myself, what Alek would do, if it were him in this situation.’

She held his gaze, but while he watched her eyes shifted, looking somehow distant, sorrow and regret evident—and something else. She blinked and he frowned in confusion when she shook her head again with a murmured apology.

‘Not at all,’ he assured her though he didn’t understand why she’d apologized. Deciding to follow her previous question he leaned closer, drawing his legs back, elbows on knees while staring earnestly at her.

‘I can’t speak for his Highness, but if it were me, I wouldn’t stop till the person responsible was dead. Remember, Catherine. Alek had been planning for this for years.’

Tears filled her eyes at the prince’s name and Ignatius felt a pang of annoyance but kept it in check and soothingly said, ‘I would be devastated too and I would channel that into fury.’

He reached out, squeezing one of those small, icy, hands.

‘You can do this, Catherine. Complete what he so desired.’

A big sigh went through her and she regarded him with that hint of smile again.

‘That was almost diplomatic, Ignatius.’

‘I am trying, Your Highness.’

She didn’t appear offended at his touch, looking out the windows again and he watched her back straighten. When she turned to him her gaze had a touch of the determination he usually saw in her expression and she nodded.

‘Cat! You’re awake!’

I turned to see Kassie at the edge of the bed, her hair a tangled mess of curls and hazel eyes regarding me with concern. Ignatius squeezed my foot and I turned to him.

‘I’ll have some food brought in?’

‘Yes,’ I slid a hand down from my knee and gave his hand a light touch. ‘And thank you.’

His eyes looked warm, sympathetic and he gave a minute nod then stood.

‘It was my pleasure, Your Highness.’

Kassie half fell off the bed in her haste to get down and I heard the door close behind Ignatius before my friend’s arms closed tight around my shoulders.

‘Okay, I’m telling this ‘cause I love you,’ Kassie said in a teasing tone. ‘Wash, now! There’s a bucket and cloth in the corner. Go on, I’ll look out the window and catch you up on what you’ve missed.’

Rolling my eyes at her I stood with a groan, the feeling of pins and needles running through my stiff legs and numb backside. A chair screeched when Kassie shifted it to look out of the window. I stripped off the shirt and pants, wondering briefly whose they were, then seized the cloth, soaping it up. The silence felt pleasant but it let my mind do more thinking than I wanted.

‘Kass?’

‘Hmmm?’

I bit my lip while I considered my words, knowing the pain they might cause.

‘How did you cope, after Josh…?’

A long moment passed then I heard a slow deliberate rush of breath and Kassie gave a quiet, sad laugh. Finished washing, I grabbed a drying sheet, wrapping it around my figure then joined her at the table. Kassie’s lovely eyes looked dark amber when she met mine and she shrugged, eyes slipping away from my gaze.

‘Time. That’s all, Cat. You met me six months after the accident. By then I was starting to get a grip.’

‘Does it help, knowing he wasn’t your soul mate?’

She snorted in derision and shook her head. ‘No. It still hurts. But my heart’s big enough to deal with it. I know that now.’ Her expression changed from one of sadness and regret to speculation, and she reached for my hand, squeezing it for emphasis while she spoke.

‘You’ll see, Cat. Survive this, and you can survive anything.’

I turned my head from her, holding back the words that threatened and walked to the trunks near the bed, hauling up the lid on the first one. The scent—his scent—billowed up, hitting me with a sudden devastating intensity. A choked sound slipped out from my throat and I snatched some clothing out, slamming the lid down. It took a bout of strong breaths in through the nose and out the mouth to push the grief back just enough to resist the tears. I ignored Kassie’s worried questions, grimly focused on the distraction of dressing as the treacherous thoughts I hadn’t shared with her echoed in my mind.

But what if I don’t want to survive this?

Carrying a tray of food proved a surprisingly difficult task. Ignatius navigated his way toward Catherine’s room with a sudden appreciation for the wait staff at the castle. He regretted not accepting the cook’s offer of assistance when another gentle sway of the ship made him freeze. When it passed he continued down the dark corridor grateful for the generous width, wide enough for two Aswaran centaurs to walk side by side. A sudden movement ahead caused Ignatius to jolt, battle instincts barely held in check while he resisted hurling the tray to the side and drawing weapon.

‘Oh it’s you,’ he said in a tone of disgust.

Moving out of the shadows that hid her, Leseach regarded him coolly and tilted her head.

‘Tell me, Ignatius, what is it that Elena gave to her?’

Glaring, Ignatius snapped, ‘As I’ve already said. I. Don’t. Know.’

The alien female’s queerly striped eyes flickered, pupils widening then narrowing and her posture shifted seamlessly from observant to threatening, her voice darkening.

‘I am disinclined to believe you.’

Ignatius gave a callous laugh.

‘That’s your problem.’

About to barrel past, he stopped at the sound of Rashid clearing his throat.

‘Is she awake?’

Rashid said it pleasantly enough but decades of working alongside him made Ignatius heed the warning. His shoulder muscles stiffened in annoyance and he turned back to Leseach, about to make an attempt at something akin to diplomacy when the tall blond Northerner inclined her head to Rashid and turned, sauntering off down the corridor. It took a concerted effort for Ignatius not to say, or hurl, anything after the blasted female.

‘There’s no need to be abrasive toward her, Ignatius,’ Rashid said mildly. ‘She’s only concerned for the Princess.’

Ignatius grunted, throwing the tall angular man a narrow glance before continuing with the tray.