Feel the Heat: A Contemporary Romance Anthology (32 page)

I meet his gaze. “Like you don’t know.”

“I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”

I raise a brow. “Chad and Ruby didn’t warn you off me?”

His expression flashes before he shrugs. “They did.”

At least he’s honest.

It hurts. Chad I understand, because I did proposition him for sex and all that embarrassing stuff, but Ruby stings. She may not be in the inner circle with my two closest friends, but she’s still a friend. I’ve still known her since college, still hung out with her. She’s supposed to at least like me. I look out at the waves crashing over the shore. “So then you do know.”

He’s silent for a while before he says, “They told me you were on the rebound from some guy clearly not good enough for you. That you were looking for a replacement. Is that about right?”

It feels so much more complicated in my mind, but when he breaks it down like that it twists my stomach and leaves behind a vaguely nauseous sensation. “I suppose that sums it up.”

“So did you use me for the night? Sleep in my bed while picturing some other guy?”

No! I want to scream the word. Okay, it did start that way. I’d wanted to use Christopher to fill the void Trevor left behind but that’s not the way it ended.

Within fifteen minutes of meeting him I’d been getting lost in his eyes, the feel of his hand on my back, and by the time his mouth was on mine he’d been the only thought in my head. Tucked into that corner at the party, everything else had disappeared. And for the first time in forever, I forgot about Trevor, forgot about my humiliation, forgot about my sadness.

For the first time I’d met someone that wasn’t a substitution.

This is what I want to say. What I have the urge to confess, to make him understand. But then I look at his face, his cute, boyish face that hides a devil in bed.

He’s the perfect guy. He’s smart, good-looking, interesting and nice. He listens when you talk, is attentive and thoughtful, and he’s going to be a surgeon.

Some nice girl is going to snatch him up in a heartbeat and he deserves that. She’ll be all sweet, probably a kindergarten teacher that will quit her career to be the perfect doctor’s wife. They’ll have a big house in the burbs, perfect little children and a dog.

I want that for him. He deserves that.

It can be my first selfless act on my path to enlightenment. I shrug. I can’t manage to spit out the lie, but I do manage a weak, “I’m sorry.”

He studies me for a long, long time with a narrowed gaze and a hard set to his strong jaw. A jaw I’d scraped my teeth over, before begging him to take me harder, not forty-eight hours ago. He’d denied me that time, instead slowing his pace until his cock moving inside me felt almost dreamlike.

At the memory, my nipples pull instantly tight and between my legs a slow heat builds. I shift in my chair to quell the ache, all the while never looking away.

After what feels like an eternity, he nods. “All right then.” He stands. “Enjoy your vacation.”

He turns and walks away.

I swallow the sudden tears that rise in my throat.

I will not cry.

It’s over. That’s fine, because all Christopher was meant to be was a fun distraction to fill up my lonely night. In the end, I’m doing the right thing by letting him go.

That’s why I came here, to change.

I can’t melt into a pool of liquid heat and go to dinner with him. I can’t break the vows I’d made to myself. Especially for him, a younger guy with whom I have no future, no matter how he makes me feel. Besides, he probably just wants another night of crazy sex.

This has to be a test. There’s no other option.

I’d done the right thing.

Tomorrow will be better.

My eyes well.

I will not cry. I’m done crying over guys.

I’m strong. I can do this. I have to learn to be alone.

T
his fucking sucks
.

Maybe it’s my ego, but something is off here. Ashley wasn’t telling me the truth about that night. I don’t care what she says, she hadn’t been thinking of anyone else when we’d been together. Not the way she’d stared up at me with needy, liquid-blue eyes. I’ve pictured other girls while someone else was under me, and that’s not what it looked like. What it felt like.

How had she transformed from being all over me the night of the engagement party to not even wanting to have dinner with me?

We had a connection. It wasn’t in my imagination.

I didn’t have answers, but I did have a source of information.

I went up to my room and called my brother’s cell.

“Hey, how’s paradise?” My brother, Chad, asks when he picks up.

Chad is the middle brother, sandwiched between my oldest brother Cameron and me. The lone non-surgeon in our family of doctors. A software developer, he leads a team at a firm in the Loop and recently got engaged to his girlfriend, Ruby.

Ruby is one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met. Chad once referred to her as a rebel snow white and it’s a perfect description. With shiny black hair, ridiculous blue eyes and full red lips, she’s gorgeous, fun, and there’s not one thing conventional about her. Until she came around, Chad had always dated nondescript blondes that worried my outspoken, feminist mother for their lack of challenge.

But my mom loved Ruby the second they met. We all had. She’s exactly right for my brother.

Ruby also happens to be friends with Ashley.

I clear my throat. “Interesting, I’ll give you that.”

Chad laughs. “How can a conference about cutting open people be interesting?”

I narrow my gaze. “Ashley’s here.”

Silence, before a speculative, “That
is
interesting. I know you took her home, did you decide to keep her for a bit?”

“Not exactly. It’s somewhat of a coincidence and not the point right now.” I pick up a scrap of paper lying on the nightstand and run my finger along the edge. “Is Ruby there?”

More silence before he sighs. “Hang on.”

I hear a bunch of rummaging and background noise and talking before my future sister-in-law comes on the line. “Hey, what’s up?”

I don’t mince words. “Ashley’s here.”

“Did she follow you?” The question is delivered without pause.

I don’t like the implication Ashley’s the kind of girl that would do something like that, and I want to ignore it, but denial isn’t in my nature. If Ashley is a nutcase, better to cut my losses, use the night to fill my fantasies, and call it a day. I crumple the paper. “Is she really the type that would do that?”

“I wouldn’t think so, but she’s had a tough go recently, so I don’t know.”

It brings me some relief, but it doesn’t dispel the niggling doubts. “I don’t think she did.”

“Why’s that?” Ruby’s, smoky singer’s voice is curious.

“Well, for one she wasn’t happy to see me and two, she wants nothing to do with me.” I run my hand through my hair. Processing through my answers makes me more sure. “That doesn’t strike me as stalkerish behavior.”

Ruby laughs. “Oh, I can tell you right now that is not how she’d act if she’d followed you. I’m not saying she’s above playing innocent, but if she followed you, she’d be all over you.”

The last of my doubts evaporate. “That’s what I thought. So I want you to tell me her story.”

Now Ruby falls silent, and I can practically hear her pondering through the cell. “Did you ask her the night of the party?”

We hadn’t talked about our pasts. We’d been too focused on other, more carnal things. I clear my throat. “All I know is what I learned from you. That she was on the rebound and I should stay away.”

“Since it doesn’t look like you’re going to stay away, why not ask her yourself?” Ruby sounds inquisitive, thoughtful.

“I can’t ask her if she won’t even talk to me.”

“All I’m willing to say is she was in love with a guy for a long time that didn’t love her in return. If you want more information, you’ll have to find a way to talk to her.” There’s more silence over the line, and I can practically feel Ruby thinking before she continues. “I’ve known Ashley since college, and while she’s not one of my best friends, she’s still my friend. She’s been hurt enough. Maybe you should leave her alone and let her find someone that can make her happy. She doesn’t need any more guys playing with her.”

I grit my teeth and my hand clenches into a fist, almost instinctively. “I’m not playing with her.”

“Is that why you took her into the closet?” Ruby’s tone is light, meant to sound like a quip instead of the rebuke it really is.

“How did you know about that?”

“It was kind of hard to miss, Chad and I had bets on if you were going to go at it right there in the corner.” She chuckles. “I won, but half the party saw you guys stumble into the closet and she”—Ruby clears her throat—“didn’t look the same when she returned.”

Okay, so in my drunken, horny state I didn’t exercise the discretion I thought I had. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing,” Ruby says lightly. “It’s just more of a player move, is all.”

In that moment I realize if I want Ruby to give me anything helpful I’m going to have to give her something in return. Something sincere and honest. I rub my eyes. “I know how it looks and I’m sorry if we were obnoxious on your big day, but I like her, Ruby. A lot. All I want is a chance to get to know her, properly. And I’m a nice guy. You know I am.”

Ruby chuckles. “You were obnoxious, but it was kind of cute, and I didn’t mind.” Ruby sighs. “I want to help you, but I have to be honest, her rejection of you is not standard Ashley behavior, so I really don’t know why she’s doing this. But, I’ll do you this one favor, I will call her and try and find out what’s going on. I won’t betray her confidence, but I will tell you anything I deem useful.”

“I can live with that.” It would have to do while I formulate my plan.

“Good. I’ll let you know.”

* * *

I
decided
to have dinner on my balcony, a nice little table for one that looks out over the ocean. I sipped my Sauvignon Blanc and pick at my mango-encrusted halibut dish, and pretend I wasn’t holed up in my room to avoid running into Christopher.

After the disaster on the beach, I was granting myself one night of pity, and then I’d suck it up and get on with my solo vacation.

My phone rang and I looked down to see Ruby’s name on the display. There’s only one reason she’d be calling. I hit decline and take another sip of wine.

A second later my text went off.
I know you’re there, so pick up.

Thirty seconds later my phone rings again. I sigh and answer, cutting right to the chase. “Is this part of your future sister-in-law duties?”

I’m not going to pretend things haven’t been a bit strained with Ruby. I have a feeling she knows I propositioned her future husband, but she’s never said anything, and I can’t exactly ask. I don’t blame her. I mean, in fairness, my throwing myself at him was before she got together with Chad, and it didn’t mean anything. I’m not hung up on him. He’d just looked like a good substitution for Trevor. Someone in the same league, better actually, to even the score.

But I can’t apologize for something I’m not sure she even knows about. She’d known I was after Chad before they got together. I’d told her often enough I thought he was hot, so I couldn’t figure out if the strain was because we’d lusted after the same guy and she’d won, or because she knew what I’d done.

Ruby laughs. “Yes, I guess they are.”

“So I suppose Christopher called you.” No point in beating around the bush.

“He did.”

“Did you tell him to stay away from me again?” My voice is snappish and it occurs to me, I’m pissed at her. I hadn’t thought I was, but I am. She’s supposed to be on my side, not his. She’s supposed to protect me from him, not him from me.

There’s a shifting over the line and an uncomfortable silence stretches between us. We’ve never been here before and I don’t think either of us is sure how to handle it. We’re not those kinds of friends. We’re friends that hang out and go dancing at clubs and laugh together at parties, but we don’t talk.

Finally she says, “I’m sorry. You enamored him as soon as he met you, and I didn’t want him to get hurt. He’s a really good guy, Ash. Sweet and kind and gentle.”

I resist the—Ha!—that rises in my throat. Tell that to the bruises on my hips from the imprint of his fingertips. Kind and gentle, my ass. Besides, that’s not the point. A tightness grows in my chest. “And you think I’m not good enough for that kind of guy?”

“No!” Her voice raises several octaves. “That’s not what I mean at all. I only warned him away because you’re still hung up on Trevor. I know how bad he hurt you and I didn’t want Christopher to get caught in the middle. That’s all.”

Hot, unexpected tears spill onto my cheeks and I suck in a tiny sob I hope she doesn’t hear.

But of course she does, because she clucks. “Oh Ashley. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” My voice breaks. “You’re right. I haven’t been a very good person recently.”

“No, you were hurt, you’re entitled.”

Am I? Because I’m not so sure anymore.

She blows out a deep breath. “There’s something else, but it’s awkward.”

I wipe my tears and instantly still, knowing what she’s about to say. I want to stop her, somehow thinking if she doesn’t say the words I can pretend it never happened, but I don’t. Because, stupid enlightenment and responsibility.

“I don’t want you to think it’s a big deal, or that I hold a grudge, because I don’t. But I know what happened with Chad the night of Layla’s engagement party. I’m not mad about it, because we weren’t together then, but when you latched on to Christopher, I wasn’t sure if that had anything to do with it.”

Humiliation washes over me and I bury my head. Is this how alcoholics feel after a weeklong bender? Ashamed of their actions, as they go around with their tail between their legs, apologizing to everyone they know? Because, honestly, it sucks. I can see why they choose to keep on drinking if they have to do this over and over again.

But I’ve committed to this path of changing my self-destructive behavior, and from the books I’ve read, it seems this is what I need to do in order to take personal responsibility. So I suck it up, gather my reserves, and deal. “I’m sorry. You must think I’m a terrible friend, my only excuse is I had no idea you were interested in him. Whenever anyone talked about him, you never hinted. If I’d known, I’d never would have done that. I hope you believe me.”

It’s the truth. I may not have always been the best person in the world, but my girlfriends are important to me. I’d never sink so low as to go after a guy my friend liked first.

“I do.” Her tone is soft and understanding. “I still remember when you kicked Dean Ferguson in the balls because he tried to kiss you when he was going out with Sarah. I know you didn’t know I had feelings for him because I never said anything. I also know you never really wanted Chad; you just wanted to be distracted by him. I get it. I’ve been there. I guess I felt protective of Christopher. My only excuse is being a big sister is new to me. But you’re still my friend and I shouldn’t have said that.”

To my surprise, a weight is lifted off my chest, the tightness eases, and I feel better. Cleansed and absolved somehow. Suddenly this personal responsibility stuff makes a lot more sense. “I forgive you if you forgive me.”

“Deal.” She chuckles. “So do you want to talk about it? Tell me what’s going on?”

I do, but I narrow my eyes. “Are you going to tell him anything?”

“I did tell him I’d talk to you, but made it clear I wouldn’t reveal any confidences, and I won’t.”

I look out over the water, dark and mysterious now, beckoning me. I’ve always wanted to walk along the ocean at night. Although in my fantasies I was always with a guy, holding his hand, the waves lapping at our toes. “You were right, Christopher looked like a good distraction from Trevor. But after an hour, it didn’t seem like that. Being with him was the first time I forgot about that mess. The first time I kissed someone without thinking that Trevor is probably kissing his dancer at the same time. And then after, in the morning, I was so humiliated with my behavior I took the walk of shame and came up with my plan to change my life.”

Ruby laughs. “Life overhauls always happen that way, don’t they?”

“Yes.” And then I proceed to tell her my plan, my vows of swearing off men. Everything.

When I’m finally done, she’s silent for a good minute before she asks in a soft voice, “You really like him, don’t you?”

My shoulders slump. “Yeah, I do. But I have to stick to my plan, and we have no future, so what does it matter?”

“Why do you think you have no future?”

I scoff. “You know why. He’s young. He’s in school.”

“He’s a resident, that’s hardly the same thing.”

“He needs to go find himself a nice girl.” I hate that mythical girl already.

“Maybe he already has.”