Feeling This (26 page)

His voice is strained when he starts, “I
grew up in Dallas with a very affluent family. We frequented the country club,
the polo fields, and social parties. We had a housekeeper who doubled as my
second mother. She did most of the raising of my sister and I. It was always
expected that I’d go to college and that I would graduate to take over my
father’s tech company when he retired.”

He stops for a moment and sits in the chair
across from me.

“When I did go off to college I wasn’t sure
what I wanted to do with my life. Taking over the family business didn’t really
appeal to me but I thought I’d give it a shot. During my second year at school
I met someone. She made me see things differently. I wanted to be someone
different from what was expected because of her. We discovered that we grew up
close. Actually very close, our parents socialized at the same country club. We
just never happened to meet.”

At this point, my heart is beating a
hundred miles a minute. Of course the worst scenarios appear in my mind. He’s
married and in a terrible divorce or married and now he’s cheated on her with
me. I’m already shocked at this revelation about his life. My nerves are
jittery as I wait for the other shoe to drop.

“Her name was Susan. I loved her Kimber. I
need you to know that.”

I nod and my heart falters. He loves
someone else. I want to run but I plant my feet firmly resisting the urge. I
can feel the tears about to spill out.

“We dated for three years and then I
proposed. We were engaged to be married and I couldn’t have been happier. She
took her own life the night I officially asked in front of our friends and
family. There was something wrong, and at the time I didn’t know what it was. I
felt as if I failed to help her.”

He stops and stares at the floor unmoving.
His hands rest lifelessly by his sides. I’m stunned and heartbroken for him.
This is farther than anything I could have ever imagined. I’m not sure what I
should feel. I’m remorseful that he lost her but also crestfallen that he’s
loved someone else so much. Is he capable of loving like that again?

He looks up at me, “I came here because I
had to get away. It was too much and there were too many reminders of her. I
was home yesterday to speak with her parents. They had something they needed to
tell me and this.” He places a folded, worn envelope on the table.

“She was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder
in high school. I didn’t know about it until yesterday. She was off her meds
when she did it. I’ve blamed myself this whole time because I suspected
something was wrong and I felt I had failed her by not getting her help soon
enough. But she knew Kimber, she knew she was getting worse and without her
meds…”

He pushes the envelope encouraging me to
open it. I gently unfold it and read the heartbreaking words. Tears start
pouring from my eyes for his pain. When I look up he’s silent and lifeless.

I’m rendered speechless. I want to close
the distance and hold him but I’m not sure if he wants that. He still loves her
and misses her. This realization hits me hard. He’s already found his person
and she left him. My feelings for him have become something I can’t contain.
I’m not sure he could ever feel about me the way I feel about him.

I look up into his stare and see his pain.
I decide it doesn’t matter right now. He’s hurting and I want to help him take
his suffering away in any way that I can. I get up and step forward taking his
head in my arms, cradling him against my chest. His arms lock around my back as
he takes deep heaving breaths. Silent tears run down my cheeks for this man
that I have fallen in love with.  Admitting that to myself pushes the water
from my eyes more rapidly.

Jordan

Telling Kimber about Susan was so much more
painful than I could have imagined. I feel the agony that is constantly there
like a dull ache in my heart at the loss of Susan. But while I told her a new
burn appeared, this one for Kimber. The last thing I would ever do is hurt her
but I watched her face as I explained about Susan. Her features became shaded
and distressed. As I spoke, I felt like I should stop but she deserves to know.
She needs to know. To know that I was completely in love with Susan and that she
is still a part of my life.

When she stood up, I thought she was going
to run. But instead she came over to me to comfort me. In that moment, warmth
spread over me and something else that seemed foreign. I had the urge to be the
one consoling her. Awareness hit me that Susan is gone. I will mourn her loss
forever but here and now in my arms is this incredible woman who needs me. She
is so selfless in just the small bits I know of her life. It’s time someone
does things for her.

I draw back and look up into her delicate
face. Small wet streaks line her cheeks. I reach up with one hand keeping the
other arm around her, and gently caress the skin under her darkened eyes. She
blinks trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill out. Her stare
asks me a thousand questions. I answer with one swoop of my arms, lifting her
up and carrying her to the bed. When I set her down, I tell her in a whisper
leaning down into her ear, “Kimber, let me comfort and take care of
you
.”

She frowns and I answer with a deep kiss.
She brings her hands up running them through my hair as a small cry escapes her
lips into mine. I move down her neck, trailing my tongue softly along her
perfect and flawless skin. My hands slide down her sides, caressing, causing a
sigh. I feel her body relax under me as I move further down, kissing every inch
of bare skin along her neck and arms. I slowly lift her tank top and continue
kissing her taut flat stomach. My hands glide further to the button on her
shorts. I deftly unhook them, pulling swiftly down her legs. When our eyes
meet, my heart skips a beat. She is so incredible and I am so lucky to have
found her. I move my hands up her legs, touching her tender skin softy. A
slight moan rings through the air. She reaches down grasping my arms, trying to
pull me up to her. I look up again and shake my head whispering, “I want to
take care of you.”

I pull her panties down her legs and my
hands find her soft folds lightly caressing as her breathing speeds up. I stare
up into her eyes and lower my face tasting her. She squirms under me as I move
my mouth to give her pleasure and comfort. She reaches the top yelling out,
“Jordan!”

Kissing her as I go, I make my way back up
her body when her breathing quiets. When I reach her mouth, she devours my lips
mixing her sweetness between us. She reaches down to unhook my jeans but I pull
away slightly so I can look down into her face, “Kimber, I wanted to take care
of you. This is about you.”

She lowers her hand to my hardness telling
me, “Jordan this is about both of us. I need you to take care of me and you
need me to help you heal.”

Her words ring so true to my ears. I lower
my lips to hers, our tongues brushing against one another. Her hands slowly
unbutton my jeans just as her phone starts to vibrate on the table across the
room. Her hands falter and she stops kissing me. I back away and angle for the
phone asking, “Do you want me to get it?”

She pushes up to a sitting position and
nods almost as if she’s ashamed. I pick the phone up just as it rings for the
third time and hand it over to her, watching as her features cloud over when
she glances at the screen. She pushes the button lifts it to her ear, and looks
at me with worry. She doesn’t say anything at first. Then in a calm voice while
nodding, she mumbles, “I’ll be right there.”

She ends the call looking miserable. After
a moment of silence, she scoots off the bed to find her clothes telling me, “I
have to leave. “

I sit on the edge of the bed and wait for
more but she doesn’t explain. I ask, “Is everything alright?”

She nods as she shimmies into her jeans,
“Yes, fine. I just have to go.”

Hurt rises in me that she doesn’t want to
share with me.

“Kimber, do you want me to take you
somewhere?”

She looks up as she finishes putting her
shoes on and gathers her keys. Her face is so calm but her eyes seem tormented.
She asks evenly, “No, Can I call you tomorrow?”

I nod and sit helplessly. When she comes
close to give me a quick kiss, I grab her behind her back pulling her into me
and tell her, “I want to take care of you.”

Her eyes fill and she responds, “I know,”
wiping the first tear that falls. She turns while calling back, “I’ll call you
tomorrow.”

Then she leaves, closing the door quietly
behind her. I have the urge to chase her and shelter her from whatever this is
that can affect her so much. I realize then that I am falling for her and it
feels so right.

Kimber

When the phone rang, I knew. It was Momma,
something happened. When Jordan reached for it, I debated whether or not I
would answer it. I kick myself for even thinking that but Jordan is so
incredible and for him to do that for me, not wanting anything in return makes
me want to scream how much I love him. But instead I answered the phone and it
was just as I had suspected. Momma had another fall. She was able to call the
neighbor who took her to the hospital and called me. When I turned around to
see confusion on Jordan’s face, I wanted to tell him everything, all the horrid
details of my miserable life. But I didn’t want to ruin our time together. He
told me about Susan and that is enough for now. Instead, I shut him out and
walked out the door. A large part of me wonders if he’ll run when he finds out
how terrible things are for me. How could anyone want to be a part of this?

I drive too fast to the only hospital in
our town. It’s about five miles out, opposite of the Bruin ranch. I force
myself to think only about Momma and getting her home. The last time this
happened it put a huge wedge between Jenna and I. That was half of the reason why
she left in the first place. When she realized Momma was going to require help
and someone to take care of her, she ran. It pissed me off to no end, the wimp
that she is. Now I’m numb to it. This is part of the disease and if I reacted
to every little thing that happens, I’d be a basket case.

This fall has more meaning though. The last
time we saw her doctor he said she would need a wheel chair soon. I know this
will be what pushes that reality at us. Our tiny house isn’t equipped for a
wheel chair. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

When I approach the counter I tell them, “I’m
here for Stacy Maguire.”

 The nurse looks up a flush of relief
floods her face and she says, “Finally, she’s quite the handful.”

As if I didn’t already know this. I nod at
her, embarrassed at what Momma could have already done in the short amount of
time she’s been here.

I ask the nurse, “Is she alright?”

“I’ll take you to her and let the doctor
know you’re here.”

I nod lifting my phone to check the time,
2:00, too late or early to call Heidi. I could use her right now. She is pretty
good at talking me down when Momma is like this. I trudge down the hall
following the nurse. When we round the corner and she holds a door open for me,
she winces. I peer into the room to see Momma sleeping, her hand firmly
gripping the remote for the T.V.