Feeling This (34 page)

The night turned out to be completely different than what I was expecting. I thought I would find reminders of Susan everywhere and need Kimber to push the sadness away. But it never came. Kimber even relaxed once she learned that I wanted nothing to do with Jennifer. We danced and had a blast. It seems my parents have accepted her and my friends warmed up to her.

Late in the night, I went to the bar to get us more drinks. But I visited the bathroom first. When I walked out, I saw Jennifer coming out of the women’s bathroom. I asked her if we could talk. She happily followed me down the hall. When I turned around I told her, “Jennifer, you have to stop this. I’m sorry I never realized your intentions. First you’re rude to Susan for all of those years and now Kimber.”

She sniffles as if I’ve hurt her feelings, “But Jordan, it was always you and I. Even when you came back from college, you always wanted me.”

She takes a step forward and asks in a high voice, “Can’t we just go back to that? Kimber’s white trash anyway. Why would you want her?”

I frown fuming at her insult, “No Jennifer, You need to leave it alone.”

As I finish the last word, she has advanced forward and her mouth is covering mine. I quickly push her away from me and gain distance between us.

“I told you no, get away from me.”

I turn and walk quickly to the bar, wiping my mouth pissed off that I even bothered. I will need to tell Kimber about my past with her or I know she will and our versions won’t be the same.

When I return to the table, I find Kimber gone. I sit and wait watching Dave with Bree dance it up out on the floor. It’s good to see him so happy. Someday, one day, maybe sooner than later, that will be Kimber and I up there.

Kimber doesn’t return to the table so I get up to look for her. I have my mom check the women’s bathroom and I look everywhere for her. Both of my parents start the search as well. After an hour and still no Kimber, I call her. It goes straight to voicemail. I slam down my phone as my mom suggests, “Maybe something happened with her mom.”

I shake my head, “No, she would have come to get me.”

Finally I admit, “Mom, I think we need to go to the police. Something must have happened.”

“Now Jordan, are you sure? Would she have left for any other reason without telling you?”

I shake my head and get up to pace. I end up by the kitchen door. A waitress comes out. She notices that I’m distressed and asks, “Sir, can I help you?”

It dawns on me then that maybe someone who works here may have seen something. I implore, “Can you ask around about a woman in a red dress. She was here but we can’t find her now.”

“Of course, I’ll be right back.”

Ten minutes later she comes back out with a young boy in a bus boy uniform. She nods to me so I ask him, “My girlfriend, she had a red dress on. She’s missing, did you see anything?”

He nods his head looking scared. I encourage him, “Go ahead, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else.”

“Well I was outside smoking a cigarette when she stumbled out of the doors. She vomited in the bushes. I was going to see if she needed help but she kind of ran to the street after she got her shoes off. A few minutes later a cab came and picked her up. That’s all I saw. But dude, if I get caught one more time for taking a smoke break, I’m toast.”

“I understand, I won’t tell anyone. Thank you for your help.”

I walk out into the heat and try her phone again. When the voice to leave a message ends I plead, “Kimber, please call me. I’m worried; you left without saying anything to me. Why?”

I turn to go back through the doors but run into Jennifer. She’s shoeless and drunk. She stumbles into me but I move away not even trying to catch her. She falls to her knees onto the pavement. When she stands back up she shouts through slurred speech, “I heard you lost your little white trash. I’d leave too if I saw you sucking face with someone else. I did you a favor Jordan. You’re better off.”

My hands clench. I’ve never wanted to hit someone as badly as I want to hit her at that moment. Instead I glare and tell her, “Look who’s the trash right now.”

Her knees are bleeding where she fell and her dress is torn at the hem. I turn back to the building not giving her another glance. Oh Kimber, why do you always run?

I fill my parents in on what happened and my mom forces me to sit against my first reaction. She explains, “If you go back now, you are both emotional, not to mention you’ve been drinking. Wait until the morning to go back. She’ll listen, Jordan I know how you feel about each other.”

I take her advice but toss and turn the whole night while counting down the hours until I can go back home and grovel. Home, Kimber is my home and I have to get her back.

Chapter Forty

The bus ride helped me calm down to the old me, the one that just goes through the motions. It’s better that way. I knew it, every time I’ve let myself feel anything, it disappears. When Heidi picks me up, she bitches the whole way home. She wants to tear Jordan to shreds, I just never want to see him again. I chastise myself over and over for letting him in. I actually believed his words.

When we pull into my drive, she hugs me for five minutes while I cry my eyes out. I vow this is all Jordan Rhodes will get from me. When I’ve decided I’m done, I brace myself for Momma. It’s midnight so she could be asleep but not with my luck lately.

I slip in and check on her. She is out with no bottle in sight. I check the cabinets and her bathroom but there’s none. Maybe we are finally past this drinking thing.

When I get to my room, I collapse onto my bed still dressed in the red dress. I rip it off not caring about any tears. I’ll never wear it again. When my face hits the pillow, I sob into the morning. Who am I kidding? Jordan was it for me and I have to mourn the loss.

The next morning after no sleep, I notice my voicemail has about ten messages. I look to see who they are from and delete every one of them without listening. It’s better this way, I was never meant to be a part of his world. I just don’t fit in.

Momma is sweet in the morning. She probably sees my bloodshot eyes and puffy face realizing it’s not a good idea to mess with me. When I get to the Bruin’s, I get the same reaction. Mrs. Bruin looks sympathetic but I just assume it’s because of the shitty situation with Momma. She tells me that she took the boys over yesterday and Momma was so happy to see them. She wants to start taking them over every week since Momma enjoyed it so much.

The boys talk me into the lake today but really at this stage anyone could talk me into anything. I’m just the same as a walking corpse. I’m hallowed out and this is the way it will be. By the time I reach them at the water’s edge, both boys are at the top of the ladder. Michael is swinging out over the lake yelling out, “Cowabunga!”

I spread my towel in the now non-existent grass since the heat is so intense, and undress to my suit. I remember seeing him cross that field almost coming over here to talk to me but then turning the other way. We started out rocky with all of the baggage. There was no way it would have ever worked anyway.

“Kimber, c’mon, jump, jump, jump!” Both boys chant.

I follow them up and swim across the lake remembering the previous day in the pool. Maybe if I hole myself up, there won’t be anything to remember and cause this anguish.

By 4:30 I am beat. I leave, dreading that I have to go to the Duck. I check my phone and find that he stopped calling, which kind of breaks my heart even more. I guess Jennifer is who he wanted all along. The thought makes me want to crawl in my bed and never wake up but I dress in my zombie state and make it to the Duck. Derek is behind the bar when I get there. He grabs me when I come around giving me a huge brotherly hug. How did I ever even consider him anything other than a brother? When he releases me, my sister is just sitting back down on the other side of the bar with a smirk. She tells me, “I heard you need some moral support.”

“I don’t know what kind of support I need but thank you for being here. Have you been home at all?”

“Actually I went yesterday. Mrs. Bruin called me and asked me to come. Momma was happy to see me and said she’s kickin’ it.”

“It seems that way. I did a search last night for bottles and found none.”

She hesitates but plunges on, “I’m thinking about staying.” She looks past me at Derek. I follow her gaze and see him smiling at her.

“Jenna I think that’s great. Especially since this home health nurse bill is going to come and I’m gonna have to pay for it somehow. Maybe Duck will give you a job.”

“Yeah, maybe, I’m thinking about going back to school for art. I might see if I can teach art to children.”

It’s about fucking time my sister grew up. I smile at her and then hear my best friend call out from the door, “Okay, y’all can start the party now cause I’m here.”

I hurry around the bar happy that all the people I love can be here to try and keep my mind from wandering. She grabs me in a hug and tells me loud enough for everyone to hear, “Just let that dickhead try and get in. We’ll be on him like white on rice.”

I smirk at her, still sad for Jordan. Oh Jordan, what did you do to me?

By the end of the night, I’m so tired I could pass out in the parking lot but I make it home to find a note taped to my door from Momma.

Kimber,

Your sister told me what happened. I love you girl, don’t you ever forget that. I wish I had words of wisdom for heartbreak but I’m still suffering from my own. The only thing I can tell you is that each day, it gets easier to get up and live. It never goes away so embrace your passion and figure it out. I want you to do what you want even if that means you have to leave me. I’ll miss you but I can’t hold you back anymore. Follow your heart girl!

Momma

Her words as gruff as they are bring tears to my eyes. This is Momma reaching out which she hasn’t done in years. I slip into my room knowing that things with her won’t be perfect but there is a chance they’ll get better. I move to set the note down on my dresser when the bracelet catches my eye. I reach out fingering the circular diamonds. I have to return this to Mrs. Rhodes. There is no reason why I should have it. I hold it in one hand and Momma’s note in the other while sinking to my bed. My eyelids close immediately finally letting sleep over take me.

***

The week passes quickly with my monotonous routine. I wake up each day and perform my duties at the Bruins and tend bar at the Duck each night. Never once through the week do I hear from Jordan nor does he show his face in our town. It saddens me now that he didn’t even try past that night. I might have thought twice about things if he would have fought but now I’ve turned the corner. My heart is stone and nothing is getting in.

On Friday morning Heidi calls singing a whole verse of Blink 182’s
Feeling This
while I’m driving to the Bruins. Her version is horrendous which she already knows. She’s trying to get me excited for my Friday night performance. I need all the help I can get, feeling extremely uninspired lately.

Mrs. Bruin is running errands all day so I am in charge of not only the boys but also the ranch hands nourishment. I pack up their lunches at noon and haul them off with the boys in tow. This excited them immensely, seeing their daddy before the day was up. When we arrived out at the barn, out of habit, I looked for him. But I already knew he quit when he didn’t show back up all week. Mr. and Mrs. Bruin haven’t said a word about him to me but I know they have to be pissed about having to replace another ranch hand so soon.

As we pass out the last of the lunches, Joe approaches me, “Hey Kimber, sorry to hear, you know.”

“It’s alright Joe. It sucks but it’s done.”

“I know but I really thought…”

His unspoken words bring tears to my eyes. I thought so too. I turn to go back to the house.

He calls out after me, “Aw, Kimber, I’m sorry.”

I ignore him and instead call back for the boys to get up here. They come running up the porch begging to go the lake. I hold my ground using the absence of their mother as an excuse. So instead we sit in front of the T.V. all afternoon. I work on a song with my guitar while they watch mind numbing shows. It feels good to get it all down on paper.