Feels Like Home (36 page)

Jo nodded. ‘I understand.'

‘I'm sorry for blaming you about the photo. I know now it was Maddy. All I can do is offer you my apologies and hope you can forgive me.'

The tension in Jo's face lifted and she smiled widely. ‘Of course I forgive you. I completely understand. I'm so happy we have this cleared up.' She extended her hand across the table.

Ryan's throat constricted. Looking at her so happy and expectant made what he had to say next almost impossible. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, but he had to be honest. He gave her hand a quick squeeze and then released it and leaned back in his chair. ‘Jo, I'm sorry, but this doesn't change anything.'

Lines of confusion creased her brow. ‘I don't understand.'

Ryan took a deep breath in and then exhaled slowly before answering. ‘I think we have to accept that no matter how attracted we are to each other, how much we care for each other — and I do care, Jo, really I do — we just can't make this work.'

‘No…' Her voice was unsteady. ‘I don't accept that. I thought Steph explained. I didn't have anything to do with that photo, Ryan. I would never put you in that situation willingly and I would never, ever do anything to hurt or embarrass Ella.'

‘I know that. I do. But don't you see? We don't trust each other. You lied to me by omission. You knew about the photo but didn't tell me —'

‘Because there wasn't a good time. Ella was sick and then there was the crisis with your mum…'

‘If you'd trusted me, those things wouldn't have mattered. You would have found the time.'

‘And if you'd trusted me you would have known I had nothing to do with the upload of that bloody photo.'

‘Exactly. But I don't trust you. I want to, but I'm not there yet. I think my reaction to the photo proves that.'

Jo bit her lip and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.

‘I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you, but it's the truth. We've hurt each other in the past and while the wounds might have healed over, they've left some scars.'

‘But in time…'

He shook his head. It wasn't as if he hadn't considered giving the relationship time to work itself out. Last night he'd thought of nothing else, but after a sleepless night he'd come to the conclusion that it was too big a risk to take. For him and for Ella. ‘If things were different, if I didn't have Ella to consider, then maybe we could give it a go. But as it stands I have too much to lose. I can't afford to take a gamble on something that, let's face it, is anything but a sure thing.'

She blinked back the tears. ‘I might go see if Ella's almost done.'

His heart lurched. This was it. She wasn't going to fight it. He'd made the right decision but that didn't mean it felt good. ‘Jo, you know I love you. It's just not the right time for us. I wish things could be different but —'

She stood up and shook her head. ‘Just stop. I don't want to hear any more. You've obviously made up your mind. So that's that. We just need to get through the next twenty-four hours or so without causing anyone else grief.'

‘Joey…'

‘I'm going to get Ella. Can you put her bag and the booster seat in my car, please?' Her eyes were dry and her expression emotionless.

‘Are you sure you're okay to drive? You seem a little…'

‘What? Angry? Pissed off? Well, that's because I am. Angry at myself, that is. I knew right from the start that it was foolish, dangerous even, to let myself get involved with you again, and yet I did it. I'm a bloody idiot. But don't you worry. I'll get over it. And as for being fit to drive, do you really think I would do anything to put that precious little girl in danger? You might not have noticed, Ryan, but I happen to care about Ella. Quite a lot, in fact.'

Before he had the chance to respond she'd slammed the back door behind her.

Luckily Ella was so excited about having her nails painted and all the other girly things that were planned as part of the wedding-eve festivities she didn't notice anything was amiss. Jo knew that despite only being six years old Ella was an astute child, so she was careful to keep the conversation light and airy.

‘What do you think we'll have for dinner?' Ella was asking. It seemed a reply was not required because she babbled on without a pause. ‘I hope it's something nice. Maybe there'll be fairy bread, because it's sort of like a party. I love fairy bread. It's my favourite thing to eat, but Gran says it's only party food, and Dad always takes notice of what Gran says.'

This one-sided conversation continued all the way to Kallara. Ella required no more than the odd one-word response from Jo before verbalising the next thought that crossed her mind. At another time this would be highly amusing, but right now Jo was simply relieved that Ella hadn't noticed anything was wrong.

Unfortunately, hiding her distress from Steph and Jenny was not as easy. Jenny took one look at her and immediately ushered Ella into the living room. ‘I've got a special job for you, Ella,' Jenny said. ‘Sue and Maddy are putting rose petals into little bags so the guests can throw them over the bride and groom after the ceremony. Do you think you can help?'

Ella nodded enthusiastically as Jenny opened the door to reveal Maddy and Sue sitting on the floor surrounded by cellophane bags, baskets of rose petals and ribbons. Maddy's face turned a deep crimson when she noticed Jo looking at her. They would need to talk, but not now. She needed time to cool off a bit first.

‘Jo, you look like you could use a cuppa. Come and sit at the table and talk to me while I make us all one,' Jenny said.

‘Stuff the cuppa, it's my wedding eve. I think that deserves a drink. Bubbly anyone?' Steph said from behind her.

Sue shook her head. ‘Not for me. Not yet anyway. I'll be in for a cuppa when we've finished this lot, though.'

Jenny shut the door, while Steph went to the fridge. ‘What about you, Mum? Are you having one?'

‘Just a smidge. I need my wits about me tonight. There's still a lot to do. And don't you girls go silly either. The last thing we want is a hungover bride or bridesmaid.'

‘We'll be good, Mum. I promise. Although I'm not sure I can say the same about the boys. I noticed Nate putting a slab in the fridge before I left.'

Jo collected three champagne flutes while Steph expertly removed the cork from the bottle. The resulting pop silenced them all momentarily.

Once Steph had poured and they'd all taken a seat Jo raised her glass, ‘Here's to you, Steph, my lovely friend. May you and Nate have happiness always.' To her dismay a tear slid down her cheek and plopped onto the table.

‘Thanks, but what's with the waterworks?'

Jo shrugged, not trusting herself to answer.

‘I knew there was something up from the minute you came through the door,' said Jenny. ‘We have no secrets in this house my girl, you know that. Out with it.'

‘I'm in love with Ryan.'

Jenny and Steph exchanged a glance.

‘Yes,' said Jenny. ‘Now tell us something the whole town doesn't already know.'

Jo managed a weak smile. The whole town? Really? Was it that obvious? ‘He's told me there's no hope for a future together. I don't know why I'm so upset. Until a few days ago I was the one saying it could never happen.'

‘Why?' asked Jenny. ‘I mean why did you think it could never happen? If you've broken up with Zach and you have no ties in the States, why couldn't it work?'

‘Because of Ella,' Jo whispered. ‘I was afraid I wouldn't be a good stepmother, that I wouldn't love her enough. I was worried I would turn out like my mother.'

Jenny folded her arms across her chest. ‘Now that's just plain ridiculous. You are nothing like your mother. Well, not in that respect anyway. You inherited the best bits of both your parents, I have to say. And you've turned out to be a fine young woman, Jo. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.'

‘Thanks Jenny. I can always rely on you to sing my praises.'

‘I meant every word I just said.' Jenny took a sip of sparkling wine and smiled but Jo saw the moisture in her eyes and her heart swelled. Why had she ever worried about knowing how to love a child? She'd had the perfect role model right in front of her all these years. Jenny had been more of a mother to her than Katherine ever had. Ryan was right. Biology truly played no part as far as love went.

‘You obviously changed your mind about becoming a stepparent then, if you were considering making a go of it with Ryan,' Steph said.

Jo nodded. ‘Over the past few weeks I've gotten to know Ella and I've come to care for her very much. I still don't know about the whole having a baby scenario — maybe that part's not for me — but I do know loving Ella would never be an issue.'

‘You told Ryan all this, right?' Steph said.

‘Not really, I was going to tell him on Thursday morning. I was all set to declare my undying love.' She paused to smile at Steph's raised eyebrows. ‘But then he came back from the hospital fuming about the photo and I never got a chance.'

‘Oh, love, you have to go to him and tell him. You can't leave things like this,' Jenny said. ‘He loves you. Anyone can see that. He's just afraid of being hurt. Poor bloke really hasn't had much luck with relationships. You left him once before and then there was all that terrible business with Carly.'

Jo shook her head. ‘I tried to talk to him just before. He says he doesn't trust me.' She swiped at the tears now streaming down her face.

Jenny moved to sit beside her. She put a comforting arm around Jo's shoulder. ‘This is not the Johanna Morgan I know. The girl I know and love is the most determined and resourceful creature on earth. She never lets obstacles stand in her way, no matter how huge they might seem. All is not lost. Not yet. You need to pour that drink down the sink right now and go to him. Find some way of convincing him that you're in it for the long haul. That you won't let him or Ella down.'

‘I don't know what to say to make him believe me. Maybe he's right. Maybe we've missed our moment and it's all too late.'

Steph put her champagne glass down in front of her and looked Jo in the eyes. ‘You know Ryan better than anyone in this world. Surely there must be something you can think of to make him change his mind?'

Jo didn't move a muscle but her brain suddenly kicked into overdrive. Maybe there
was
one thing that would convince him. Surely it was worth a shot? At this stage there was nothing left to lose. ‘Jenny, can I use your office computer? I need to print an email.'

Jenny's eyes lit up. ‘Of course honey. You go right ahead.'

‘Steph, what time were the boys heading over to Nate's?' Jo asked.

Steph glance at her watch. ‘Not for another hour, at least. Macca's coming from Melbourne for the wedding. Nate had to go pick him up from the train in Belly at five, so I don't reckon they'd be back before six. It's very likely that Ryan won't be leaving home for another half an hour or more, if that's why you're asking.'

‘It is. I just need to print something out first.'

‘Well what are you waiting for,' Jenny said. ‘Get cracking.'

Five minutes later Jo was heading out the door, clutching half a dozen sheets of paper to her chest. ‘I'm so sorry to be running out on your wedding-eve celebrations, Steph. I'm a dud maid of honour. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can.'

‘Don't be ridiculous. I said this to Ryan earlier and now I'm going to say it to you — the best wedding gift Nate and I could receive would be to see our two best friends happy. And by happy I mean with each other. So go work on my wedding present and take all the time you want.'

‘Thanks. Take care good care of Ella while I'm gone, and Steph…'

‘Yeah?'

‘Wish me luck.'

CHAPTER

37

Ryan was in the clinic when he heard the vehicle thundering over the cattle grid. He frowned. Someone was going too fast. He wasn't expecting anyone. All the appointments were done for the day and he'd sent Taylah home half an hour ago. Best check out who it was. Maybe someone had an emergency and needed help bringing the animal inside. He opened the clinic door and walked outside.

Bloody hell.

It was Jo.

What now? Oh please God, not Ella. He shook his head to dismiss the thought. If anything had happened to Ella Jo wouldn't have wasted time driving here, she would have phoned. So what was she doing here?

She skidded to a halt near the pathway that led to the clinic, jumped out of the Jeep without hesitation and started running towards him with a sheaf of papers in her hand.

What the hell?
He'd made it clear that this thing between them was over. He knew she was pissed off but he hadn't expected to see her again until the wedding and he'd assumed that by then everything would be cool but civilised between them. Now she was running towards him like a madwoman. He definitely hadn't seen this one coming.

‘Ryan,' she called as she got closer. ‘Thank goodness you're still here. We need to talk.'

‘I'm just about to head off to Nate's place. Can this wait?'

She shook her head. ‘I know Nate's gone to Bellington to get Macca and won't be back until six, so don't think you can blow me off that easily.'

‘Okay. I guess you'd better come on up to the house then.'

She shook her head. ‘No. I'm not going inside that house again, not until you want me there. I can say what I have to say right here.'

He recognised the fiery determination in her eyes. It was the look she got before every gymkhana. The one that said ‘take me on if you dare'.

He shrugged. ‘Have it your way then.'

‘Earlier today you told me you didn't trust me. I'm here to tell you that you can.'