Festivus (5 page)

F
un, surliness, and creativity: These apparent essences of twenty-first-century Festivus are on view in what the holiday sends to the stomach. Here are some recipes developed by the Festivus-forward and details about ongoing food fights, including the nasty Beer Wars of Festivus.

Recipes

The following four recipes, created for this book, were dreamed up, styled, photographed, and described by Anna Gershenson, a caterer in Sudbury, Massachusetts, and Gabriella Gershenson, a professional food writer in New York, New York.

Shrimp Impaled on Mini Festivus Poles

Wait until a good number of guests have arrived and walk out of the kitchen carrying this while announcing the name of the dish. Stunned silence will be followed by an outburst of group glee, screams of hilarity, praises of your cleverness, and, finally, satisfied palates—because this appetizer is delicious.

2 pounds shrimp

1 cup apricot jam

3 tablespoons horseradish

3 tablespoons whole grain mustard

2 teaspoons chili sauce with garlic

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons baking soda

20 3-inch stainless steel nails, or as many as you plan to use

rubbing alcohol

1. Use either good-quality frozen cooked-and-peeled shrimp or cook raw shrimp according to your favorite recipe. Chill well before serving.

2. For the dipping sauce: In a small saucepan, warm up the apricot jam over low heat. Stir continuously until the jam has thinned out.

3. Add the horseradish, mustard, and chili sauce. Stir to combine.

4. Remove from heat. Add the lemon juice and salt to taste. Serve sauce warm in a glass bowl with steep edges.

Preparing the nails:

1. Fill a pot with water 2 inches deep. Add the baking soda and nails. Bring to a boil. Maintain the boil for 10 minutes.

2. Remove the nails from the pot and rinse with cold water. Set to dry on a paper towel.

3. Moisten a fresh piece of paper towel with alcohol and thoroughly clean as many nails as you plan to use.

Assembling the dish:

1. Skewer the shrimp so that the top of the nail protrudes from the top of the body.

2. Place the impaled shrimp on the edge of the dip bowl, clipping them into place with the heads on the inside of the bowl and the nails on the outside.

Feats of Strength Fondue with Festivus Beer

Festivus can easily be vegetarian-friendly. The nose-curling ripeness of the cheeses in this fondue will put to shame anyone who dares call vegetarians “wimps.”

1 pound Emmentaler

1 pound Blue Castello or other creamy blue cheese

5 teaspoons cornstarch

1 cup hearty beer (see pp. 44-49 for where to acquire Festivus beer, or use a marker to write the words “Special Festivus Brew” below the brand name on your favorite can or bottle)

3 garlic cloves, finely grated

1 teaspoon grated nutmeg

1 teaspoon freshly ground white pepper

1 teaspoon water

1. Grate the Emmentaler and break the blue cheese into small chunks. Keep the cheeses separate. (Preferably on opposite sides of the room. They may start to wrestle if brought together too soon.)

2. Sprinkle 2 teaspoons of the cornstarch on each of the cheeses. Toss to coat evenly.

3. Prepare a heavy 1-quart saucepan. Pour in the beer, and add the grated garlic and spices.

4. Place the saucepan over medium heat. When the beer mixture is hot but not boiling, slowly add the cheeses, alternating between Emmentaler and blue. Mix with a wooden spoon. Make sure to add cheese in small quantities and that it has melted before adding more. (Adding too quickly will result in lumping.)

5. Stir the mixture vigorously to achieve a smooth consistency. After all the cheese has been incorporated, dissolve the remaining 1 teaspoon of the cornstarch in 1 teaspoon water. Add to the cheese mixture, and cook together for a minute or two to bind. When it’s sufficiently thick and uniform, transfer the mixture to a fondue pot.

6. Potatoes, sweet potatoes, crusty sourdough bread cubes, and string beans are fine candidates for dipping.

Ham with Junior Mint and Snapple Glaze

Not that there’s anything wrong with a nice pig rump. This one, a surprisingly scrumptious and undeniably beautiful creation, is glazed with two “foods” that were used as plot devices on episodes of
Seinfeld.

Get your ham and closely follow the instructions on the package. Forty-five minutes before the ham is done cooking, remove it from the oven to apply the glaze.

Glaze for a 5-pound ham:

1 16-ounce bottle Mango Madness Snapple

1 cup golden rum

1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1 teaspoon sweet paprika

1 teaspoon chili paste with garlic

32 Junior Mints, slightly crushed

1 cup strained apricot jam

1. In a heavy skillet, place all the ingredients except the Junior Mints and apricot jam. Bring the mixture to boil over high heat, mixing until the sugar is dissolved. Reduce heat to medium high and cook for 20 minutes or longer, until the mixture is reduced to the consistency of maple syrup. You will end up with about 2/3 cup.

2. Place the Junior Mints in a small heavy skillet over low heat. When the candies start to melt, mix with a wooden spoon until they form a smooth paste. At this stage, add the reduced syrup and apricot jam. Combine well. Continue mixing and cooking over medium heat for another 5 to 7 minutes, until the glaze coats the spoon.

3. If you make the glaze in advance, rewarm it before applying to the ham.

Instructions for glazing:

1. Place a sheet of foil on the bottom of the roasting pan to catch run-off glaze.

2. Spoon the glaze over the ham, making sure to coat the entire surface.

3. Reapply the glaze two more times at 15-minute intervals.

Festivus pole Stuffed with Chocolate Salami and Bitter Nibs

This sliceable aluminum “pole” pays homage to the joy that can come from pondering the bitterness of life.

4 ounces tea biscuits or plain butter cookies

2 egg yolks

1 cup sugar

1 stick unsalted butter

1 cup cocoa

2 tablespoons orange liqueur, such as Triple Sec or Grand Marnier

3 ounces ginger snaps

2 tablespoons Scharffen Berger bitter cocoa nibs

18-by-12-inch piece aluminum foil butcher’s twine, optional

1. Seal the cookies in a plastic bag and smash them with a bottle, Festivus pole stump, or a rolling pin until the pieces are no bigger than 1 inch.

2. In a bowl, vigorously mix the egg yolks with the sugar until the mixture turns thick and pale yellow. Set aside.

3. Cut the butter into 1 - inch cubes and place on a cold skillet over low heat. Work the solid pieces into the melting butter with a wooden spoon or your fingers until the butter is soft but not liquid. Remove from heat.

4. In a bowl, combine the egg mixture, butter, and remaining ingredients until the mixture holds shape.

5. Place the aluminum foil on a firm surface. Transfer your mixture to the foil and form a long sausage about 14 inches long and 2 inches in diameter. Place the sausage on the near end of the foil, about three inches from the edge. Roll the sausage tightly in the aluminum foil. Twist the ends of the foil as if it were a real salami. Make sure that your roll is compact and there are no air pockets. If you wish, tie the ends with butcher’s twine as decoration.

6. Refrigerate for 5 hours. Slice and serve. Keep any leftovers refrigerated.

COCKTAILS

Don’t Make Me punch you Punch

Created by Julianne Donovan, host of an annual Festivus party in Kansas City, Missouri.

big bowl and ladle

fifth of light rum

2 liters ginger ale

12 limes, juiced

a few dashes of Angostura bitters

ice

Combine all the ingredients over ice in punch bowl and stir. Recommended to be served after the Airing of Grievances.

Festivus Shooters

Created by Jeremy Pollok and Eric “Bernie” Bernstrom, owners of Tonic Bar in Washington, D.C., where this was first served on December 17, 2004, as a $3 special.

1/2 can Sparks malt liquor energy drink

2 ounces cheap rum

2 ounces fruit punch

splash of Triple Sec

Combine all ingredients into a drink shaker, shake with ice, and pour into shot glasses. Makes a round of four shots.

Beer Wars of Festivus

T
he three known attempts to distill the essence of Festivus into a beer have, not surprisingly, brewed conflict and controversy. Festivus has always proven to have no essence to distill—except undistill-ability. A cantankerous energy seems to result from efforts to bottle it.

A homebrew named Festivus in a little Wisconsin town triggered a nasty spat between local Protestants and Catholics; in Maryland, the mere mention of St. Festivus Ale stokes the simmering anger of its Baltimore brewer; and in Arizona a fruity microbrew named Festivus continues to fuel a nasty snit-fit between the former and present owners of a troubled Phoenix brewery.

Here are dispatches from the three battle-scarred Festivus beer fronts.

Neenah, Wisconson
— Parents at St. Gabriel Elementary School near Appleton ignored complaints there was something unseemly about raising money for the Catholic school’s arts program by hosting a massive beer-drinking festival in the auditorium.

“There was some concern around the whole general idea of having this fest at the school,” said Mark Van Rossum, parent and member of Appleton Libation enthusiasts (ALE). “But you know they also have fish fries and bingo.”