Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass (11 page)

Alice still didn’t understand. “Do you have both male and female private parts?”

“No. Just male. And they aren’t very private. I can whip them out and show you, if you want.”

How rude. He really was a bad egg. And Alice was still confused.

“You seem still confused,” Humpty said.

“I am.” Alice pouted. “My boyfriend—
ex-
boyfriend—I caught him in the bathroom, wearing my panties.”

“What color were they?”

“Pink.”

Humpty laughed, and rubbed his bulge. “Pink is my favorite, next to black and red and yellow and green and blue. Did they have frilly lace on the top?”

“A bit.”

“They sound lovely. Your ex-boyfriend has good taste.”

“I… I thought he was gay.”

“Could be. Or he could just be a cross-dresser.”

Alice had heard the word before, but didn’t know quite what it meant. “A what?”

“A transvestite. A heterosexual man who likes to wear women’s clothing. It’s a fetish. Deriving sexual excitement from an object. In this case, female clothing.”

“Men who aren’t gay do that?”

“Climb up on this wall, baby, and I’ll show you how hetero I am.”

Alice noted that the lump in Humpty’s panties had gotten larger as he stroked himself.

“I’m afraid I still don’t understand,” Alice said.

“When you put on a nice dress, and high heels, and make-up, and jewelry, does it make you feel sexy?”

“Yes,” Alice said.

“Me too.”

“And you aren’t gay at all?”

“No. But I’m willing to pretend I’m gay if you come up here and give me a hummer. In fact, I’ll pretend to be whatever you want. An alien. A dinosaur. Red Foxx. A Denver omelet. You name it.”

Alice buried her face in her hands. She was beside herself with guilt. All this time, she’d been sure her boyfriend Lewis was gay. But he’d been telling the truth when he said he loved her and found her attractive. He just liked wearing her clothing.

“Oh dear,” Alice said, ready to cry. “I made a huge mistake.”

Humpty patted the wall. “Poor thing. Come up here, girl. You can tell me all about it while you’re blowing me.”

The tears came. “Can’t you see I’m upset?”

“You know what can stop those tears? Giving me vigorous head.”

“Can you please stop thinking about oral sex for just five minutes?”

Humpty laughed. “Ha! Show me a man who can do that!”

Alice really began to cry now. “Lewis loved me. I thought we’d be married some day. But I dumped him for no reason.”

“Wow. You’re such a bitch.”

Alice fell to her knees, her whole body racked with sobs. She had ruined Lewis’s life, and hers, all because she’d let her biases and prejudices override her feelings and common sense.

“Why don’t you just apologize and win him back?” Humpty asked.

Alice sniffled, staring up at him. “Could I really do that?”

“Why not? Don’t you have an open mind now?”

“I think so.”

“You’d better. Or else I’m going to write KEEP AN OPEN MIND on a club and beat you over the head with it, like we’ve been doing to the readers.”

“I’ve got to go back home and talk to Lewis,” Alice said. “Which way do I go?”

“Where is home?”

“On the other side of the looking glass.”

“I don’t have the slightest idea what that means. But you could follow this path to Lion and Unicorn Park. There’s an orgy going on there right now. Lots of people. Maybe one of them will be able to help you. But be careful.”

Alice wiped away a tear and smiled shyly. “I think I’ll be okay. I’ve been to an orgy or two.”

“It’s not that. I heard the Red Queen is planning to raid the park. You don’t want to be arrested and have to face the Jabbercocky.”

The word rang a bell, and Alice recalled that horrible poem she’d read earlier and the word being repeated by the White Queen.

“What’s a Jabbercocky?” she asked.

“It’s a sex machine, in the Hall of Denied Orgasms. Meant to cause unbearable arousal in women.”

Alice frowned. “The White Queen didn’t want to talk about it. She said the Red Queen beat the Jabbercocky, and that is why she’s allowed to rule Looking Glass Land.”

Humpty spat. “The Red Queen. She’s an unfeeling bitch. Do you know how she beat the Jabbercock? She fell asleep. Can you imagine? I weep for her poor husband.”

Alice thought about the Red King and how eager he was, and how hard, and how long. “But the Red Queen and the Red King have swinging parties with other couples. He seems to have a lot of sex.”

“Yes, on this side of the looking glass, everybody has sex with everybody. But the Red Queen believes all sex should be boring, and she’ll only allow the Red King to come during boring sex. Even the Jabbercock couldn’t turn on the Red Queen.”

“I read a poem about it. In a book.”

“Turning on the Red Queen?”

Alice sighed and rolled her eyes. “No. The Jabbercocky.”

“Did you like it?”

“No. I thought the author was full of himself.”

Humpty laughed, then began to recite:

Carroll’s lyrical endeavor,
Thinking made-up words were clever,
Read a hundred-plus years later,
Only prompts my inner hater.

“You can say that again,” Alice said. “But please don’t. I hate poetry. Though I do wonder what that Jabbercock poem meant.”

“You want I should explicate it for you?” Humpty asked. “Could have some relevance.”

Alice sighed. “I suppose. Will it take long? I do have an orgy to get to.” And she had to admit, that even after the very many lovely experiences she’d had today, the thought of an orgy made her start to tingle all over again.

“I’ll make it quick. Which, incidentally, is the line I use picking up women. Let’s go through it, stanza by stanza.”

Alice winced, but nodded. Humpty began.

’Twas horcky in the HDO,
Beased so long they mersycried,
Empty was the bordello,
Tolerance had up and died.

“Horcky means horny and unlucky,” Humpty said. “Beased is bound and teased. Mersycried is those who cry for mercy. A bordello is—”

“I know what a bordello is,” Alice said.

“Slut,” Humpty said, then continued.

Beware the Jabbercock, my girl!
The pole that jabs the secret patch!
Torment shall make her toesies curl,
She was so shunned, they bandersnatch.

“So far, the poem is about being taken to the Hall of Denied Orgasms and being mercilessly teased by the Jappercocky,” Humpty explained.

“What’s a bandersnatch?”

“A woman was shunned and exiled from the kingdom. Get it?”

“No.”

“They banned her snatch.”

Bandersnatch
. Alice rolled her eyes. The only thing worse than poetry was poetry with bad puns.

“Shall I continue?” Humpty asked.

“I really wish you wouldn’t, but I guess you should.”

Humpty cleared his throat, spat, and went on.

A soul condemned to face the beast,
By missionench, so crimson mean,
But pleasure fiftyfold increased,
Made her then the Golden Queen.

“A missionench is a wench who only allows the missionary position,” Humpty said.

Alice nodded. “Crimson mean. That’s the Red Queen?”

“That’s her.”

“So who is the Golden Queen?”

Humpty rolled his eyes. “I have no idea, blondie. I wonder who it could be? Insert sarcastic emoticon here.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ll continue.”

The Jabbercock shall masturbate,
Poor Golden Queen with fiendish chode,
But she shall rise and liberate,
And jabbing pole shall overload!

“So the Golden Queen takes on the Jabbercocky,” Alice said. “What’s a chode?”

“It’s a penis that is wider in girth than it is long.”

Alice laughed. “You’re kidding! Such a thing doesn’t exist.”

Humpty pulled down his panties, exposing a very short, but extremely thick member. It looked like the top of a fire hydrant. It was even bright red like one.

“Oh, wait,” Humpty said. “That’s my toy fire hydrant. Hold on.”

He tossed that aside, exposing a very short, but extremely thick member. It looked like a penis, only shorter and wider.

“And you wanted me to put that in my mouth?” Alice said, shocked. “I don’t know if I could even fit my lips around it.”

“But think of the fun you’d have trying.”

Alice did think about it, and her thoughts made her aware of her piercings. She shifted uncomfortably from one leg to another, but that only made the feeling worse.

One, two! One, two! And through and through
Until the machilit the smoke,
The souls condemned, they came and flew,
While Golden Queen BJ’ed her bloke.

“So she beats the Jabbercock,” Alice said. “I’m guessing machilit is a portmanteau of machine and lit. Maybe it lights on fire and starts to smoke?”

“Good guess. And then she gave her boyfriend a blowjob. Want to practice on me?”

Humpty grabbed himself, and he was so thick his fingers couldn’t fit around it.

“Maybe later,” Alice said. “Finish the poem, if you please.”

Freedom rang in Kingdom high!
Snowballing and hot bukkake!
Gokkun, felching, and creampie!
Queen shall wed the panty jockey!

“So everyone went free, and debauchery returned to the kingdom.” Humpty said. “Are you familiar with all of those words?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Snowballing is passing a man’s essence from mouth to mouth by kissing. Creampie is when a man’s essence leaks out of a body part. Felching is sucking a man’s essence out of the body orifice where it was deposited.”

“But I named my cats Snowball, Felcher, and Creampie!” Alice said, shocked by the definitions.

“Slut,” Humpty admonished. “And, of course, bukkake and gokkun are Japanese terms.”

“What do those mean?”

“Do I look like Google?” Humpty asked, tugging on his chode.

“No, but—watch out!”

While pleasuring himself, Humpty had lost balance, and he plummeted off the wall and fell right at Alice’s feet.

“Oh, my!” Alice knelt beside him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, sitting up.

“You are?”

“Of course I am. It was just a small fall. What, did you expect me to break into a million pieces?”

“Well, I—”

“I’m a man, not a 95% chemical compound of calcium carbonate crystals stabilized by a protein matrix.”

“Huh?”

“I’m not an egg. I just have a gland problem, exacerbated by an eating disorder.”

“But, the Humpty Dumpty poem…”

“Does the poem ever say that I’m an egg?”

Alice ran through it in her head. “No, I guess not.”

“Do eggs get hard-ons?” he said, gripping himself.

“Not that I’ve heard of.”

“Then drop it with the egg nonsense. Now help me up, and I’ll accompany you to the orgy at Lion and Unicorn Park. I was planning on warning them about the raid anyway.”

Alice helped Humpty up, and in doing so got a closer look at his member. It couldn’t have been more than four inches long, but it was indeed equally as wide.

“Impressive, ain’t it?” Humpty said, shaking his hips.

“Yes,” she said, shyly.

“You’re thinking about what it would feel like inside you.”

Alice blushed, but nodded.

“The raid isn’t scheduled for another hour, so we got some time. Go ahead and use me.”

Alice considered it. The idea was kind of crazy, Humpty Dumpty wasn’t appealing at all, but she really
did
want to know what that fat monster felt like, and it had been more than 2500 words since the last sex scene.

“Okay,” Alice said. “But go slow and easy.”

“Low and sleazy, that’s me. Now lemme see those titties.”

Alice paused a moment, then shrugged and pulled her blouse up over her head without even unbuttoning it, her breasts bobbing free. Humpty grabbed them in his fat fingers, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples until they stood at attention, the golden rings swinging proudly.

“You’re very beautiful, Alice.”

Alice didn’t return the compliment, because Humpty looked a lot like a fat, pink toad, if fat pink toads dressed in women’s underwear. But he was doing a pretty good job with her nipples. And his prick was magnificent.

She reached down and couldn’t even fit her hand completely around it. The head was oval and—go figure—egg-shaped. Alice tugged on the foreskin, surprised by how hard Humpty was.

“How do you find pants to fit?” she asked, genuinely interested.

“I only wear panties, remember? Can you help me with my bra?”

Alice felt for him, for often she had a hard time with the clasp as well. “I know a trick. Pull it around backwards, so you can undo it in front.”

He followed instructions, and easily unhooked the undergarment, letting it drop to the ground. Then he kicked off his very large strappy sandals—honestly they had to be a size 15 triple wide, and he was Alice’s height exactly. And although his face wasn’t anything to look at either, his eyes were bright and twinkled with mischief, which Alice found quite erotic.

He skimmed one of his hands down her belly and entered her with a finger, making Alice squeak with surprise. His finger was larger than some men she’d known before Lewis, not that she’d known many, of course.

“You’re so wet,” he cooed. “That’s hot.”

Humpty moved his finger in and out so rapidly, it made Alice’s knees weak. Seeming to sense this, Humpty grabbed her bottom with his other hand, both holding her up and pressing her closer to his clever jabbing. Alice stood there, pinned by his enormous hands, as he worked her slot with more speed than she’d ever known.