Fifty Shades Of Sparkling Vampires With Dragon Tattoos That Play Starvation Games (14 page)

The level of discourse in the room had
devolved into desperate screaming. Campaign staffers and interns
alike became converts to the Undead party. It would rule
unilaterally and turn politics into a real blood sport. But Molly
wasn't about to fight with a dozen other Zombies over the leftover
brain matter of a few lowly aides. Not when she could have the Tax
Cowboy himself.

Jed Jones aimed to barn storm
Washington and reign in taxes. Then lasso back some money into his
own filthy rich pockets. He was a man of many millions that were
earned on the backs of the working poor, and he intended to keep
every damn dime of it. But Daddy's inheritance couldn't do squat to
save ol' Jed from a horde of hungry flesh eaters.

Still, for a man that trumpeted family
values above all, serving your spouse up as prey was hypocrisy on a
level only a politician could manage. Amidst the carnage, the
Republican hopeful and his air headed Wife made a mad dash to their
dressing room. But with the Zombies closing in quick, there wasn't
enough time for both to reach safety. So instead of being the man
of principle he campaigned on, Jed reverted into the same sleazy
Washington insider his critics had torched him about.

Jed barely made it into the dressing
room and slammed the door in his wife's face to save his own hide.
Which left one hell of a meal for the horde. Sure Betty Sue Jones
looked like a robot designed to win beauty pageants. And sure most
had assumed she was just an airhead that waved and smile politely
at whatever political flim flam came out of her husbands mouth. But
the Zombies knew better.

There was a brain in that pretty little
head of hers. One unblemished by intelligent thoughts. Reporters
spent the entire campaign wanting to pick her brain and see what
she had been thinking married to such a buffoon. But the social
climber had reached the last rung on her ladder and was in for one
hell of a fall.

Zombie Molly had to push her way
through to even get scraps as the horde tore Betty Sue apart. It
was a feast of flesh. Maybe evolution was wrong after all. It
wasn't survival of the fittest. Rather survival of the sleaziest.
And that sleazebag Jed listened from the comfort of the dressing
room as the woman he pledged to love, honor, and cherish was ripped
limb from limb.

Whatever comfort Jed thought he'd found
was soon banished to the backside of his brain though as the
Zombies finished their meal. For if Betty Sue was the appetizer,
Jed would be the main course. Only a door lock came between Jed and
his untimely end. And the Zombies had strength in
numbers.

Jed looked around the room and realized
there were no windows, no doors, no escape. And as the mob pressed
against the door, it was only a matter of time before the wood
cracked. So Jed turned to prayer. He was devout. He believed in the
right to life. That a marriage was between a man and a woman. And
that Darwin truly did have it wrong. But though he'd nailed all the
talking points, he missed the most important points of the Good
book. About sacrifice. About the greater good.

And as the Zombie horde broke through
the door on their way to the King of conservative craniums, it
occurred to Jed that the Lord wasn't about to look kindly on a man
that put his own hide over his families.

For Molly, the meal was going to be
especially tasty. She'd long suspected Jed of being a dishonorable
douche bag even before he accused her of gotcha journalism. Jed was
no fan of the press. They made him look bad with all their fact
checking and accurate reporting. And there was no room for the
truth during a political campaign.

But Molly was one to get to the heart
of matters. And maybe the spleen too. Not to mention the kidney.
With the door busted open, it was every Zombie for themselves in
the feeding frenzy. There just wasn't enough flesh to go around.
While a Democrats brain was soft and mushy from years of liberal
wish washing, a Republicans brain was as stiff as a tough steak.
But damn was it succulent.

In the end, the apocalypse turned out
better than expected. The debate was postponed indefinitely. The
mudslinging mercifully came to an end. And do nothing politicians
finally made themselves useful as live bait. But with the
politico's left for road kill, what were dozens of rabid Zombies to
do for food? Maybe the third party candidate wasn't so useless
after all.

The End.

Gourmet Erotica (Showtime For My
Penis)

"You know, it would be pretty awesome
if I could stick my penis in your vagina," Hunky McHunkerson
said.

"Yeah, let's totally copulate with
intense intercourse. The hotter the better," Sexy McChick
replied.

"Did I mention I look like an underwear
model with sixteen packed abs?" Hunky added.

"I should also point out I enjoy really
big dicks. Do you have one for me?" Sexy asked.

"Oh yeah, this is going to be hotter
than the time I had sex with that meter maid. Now let's moan
uncontrollably."

"Oh yes. Somehow you're incredibly
large penis has made it's way into my super wet vagina. And that
thrusting is just exquisite."

"Look at that, I just found your
clitoris. Yipee for me. And golly gee, there's your G spot
too."

"Wow, this sex is super steamy. Not to
mention tastefully done."

"We should totally cum simultaneously.
That always happens in real life."

"Let's not end this too soon. Erotic
sex is about more than ejaculation. It's about foreplay, gooey
romanticism, and other fantastical things."

"Why don't I give you multiple orgasms
as well? Fiction lovers will eat that up."

"Wow, this is the best fornication I've
ever had. And I've been with firemen, soldiers, police officers,
and every other female fetish."

"Time for the big finale. Wow, this is
probably the sexiest thing that has ever happened in human history.
And I used to date a contortionist."

"You truly satisfied my sexual
appetite. But let's have another love making session right now with
no recovery time, just for the hell of it."

"Have I mentioned how much I love
coitus?"

Nothing Sacred Comedy

Introduction

Or

Trying to explain the wackiness to
come

It began in a haze of cheap wine and
late night infomercials. Or maybe it was while watching Monte the
Hypnotist do his act at the County Fair. Either way, the brain
storm came on like a monsoon. Every idea has its day, so we hope
you give this book the respect it deserves--while you read it on
the toilet. Actually, you know? This explains things
better:

Authors Convinced They’re
Funny

Los Angeles, CA--Local Writers and
sometimes Antiquers Lacy Maran & Kevin Michael have deluded
themselves into thinking they’re a barrel of laughs. “Hey, that
monkey with the top hat joke was really funny,” Michael quips. “And
what about that zinger about Mime’s?” Maran adds. “Who doesn’t love
a joke that makes fun of French Clowns?” But despite a lack of
conclusive evidence, Maran & Michael remain stubborn about
their wise cracks. “If people haven’t been laughing with us all
this time, then that means they’ve been laughing at us,” Maran
continues. Michael chimes in: “Is it possible they’ve just been
laughing at my hair piece all this time?”

Politics

Or

I’ve seen mud wrestlers cleaner than
my local Congressman

Government Proposes New Don’t Get Sick
Universal Health Care Plan

Washington, DC--With nearly forty
million Americans uninsured and a hundred million more with minimal
coverage, the US Government yesterday rolled out a new “don’t get
sick” universal health care proposal. “Imagine how easy it will be
to cover everyone if no one gets sick,” an Official noted. “And if
people stop overcrowding doctors offices and emergency rooms, it’ll
really keep costs low.” The Government plans to implement the
policy immediately with a total reduction of cases of illness to
reach zero by the end of the year. “You owe it to your immune
system to do this,” the Official added. The Government is also
expected to deliver a new “don’t get fat” obesity plan in Congress
next week.

President Assures His Legacy By
Putting His Face On New Eight Dollar Bill

Washington, DC--Afraid that his legacy
would be marred by sagging poll numbers, policy pitfalls, and
record debt, the President today took a bold step of assuring his
place in history by announcing his face would be immortalized on
another eight dollar bill. “It seems in times of economic crisis
like these, we could all use a little extra cash, so with that I
introduce to you the new eight dollar bill,” the President boasted.
“Frankly I don’t see how we’ve lived without an ocho before now.”
The Presidents detractors view the move as a cheap ploy. “What the
hell do we need an eight dollar bill for?” a Pundit observed. “We
already have a two dollar bill we don’t use.” But the President
would not be deterred. “I think the eight dollar bill will go down
in history as the most significant economic move since the
introduction of the stock market.” Future proposed legacy moves
include adopting a highway in the Presidents name.

President requests Federal
do-over

Washington, DC--Amidst a record low
approval rating, the President yesterday sent a bill to Congress
requesting a Federal do-over. "I think we can all admit things
haven't gone exactly as planned," the President stated. "So I've
decided the best course of action is to pretend the last four years
didn't happen. Mulligan." The President went on to proclaim "from
now on, I'm going to do everything right, starting with
Afghanistan. So I ask you insurgents, can't we all get along?"
Congress is to vote on the bill today.

Famed Environmentalist lectures about
the perils of Global climate change from his gas guzzling private
jet

30,000 feet above Bismarck,
ND--Unaware of his own hypocrisy, the famed environmentalist and
current climate change blowhard prepares slides for his next
presentation on the perils of our planet from the comfort of his
private jet. The Environmentalist is on a ten city cross country
tour promoting green living, though why he isn't broadcasting from
one of his many estates or uploading clips onto the world wide web
instead of jet setting across the country is unclear. The
Environmentalist will also reportedly be chauffered to his speaking
engagements in an SUV, though his publicist informed us he owns a
few hybrids back home. When asked to comment on the irony of the
situation, the Environmentalist just smiled and said "our World is
in danger, and we all have to do our part to save it."

Business

Or

My wallet is mad as hell and I’m stuck
taking it all

“World’s Best Boss” Mug
Lies

Tuscaloosa, AL--Middle Manager Frank
Jenkins’ prized mug, touting his occupational excellence is nothing
more than a bold-faced fraud. The porcelain mug, purchased on a
last minute lark by entry level assistant Jenny Fontana to fulfill
Secret Santa requirements, could not be less time in its
declaration. “He’s a son of a bitch,” Fontana declares, referring
to Jenkins. “A real A-hole.” Colleague Tim Naples concurs. “That
dick weed made me work on Christmas Eve.” Fellow employees also
cite Jenkins’ long lunches, early clock out times, his air of
superiority, and firm commitment to take credit for the hardwork of
others as further evidence of his managerial incompetency. Fontana,
who to this day regrets ever buying Jenkins the mug, adds “I should
have gone with the trash can basketball hoop.”

US Made Shoes Hit Market For Bargain
Price Of $600 A Pair

Chicago, IL--Record crowds have been
camping out overnight awaiting the release of new Freedom Flyer
sneakers, Patriot Kicks Corporations attempt to inject interest in
American made goods. The shoes, which are designed and manufactured
entirely stateside with nothing but American materials and labor,
retail for $600 a pair. “I know they’re a little costly, but that’s
the price you pay for patriotism,” says John Baldwin, who has
camped out for three days to be the first on his block with a pair.
Baldwin adds “this’ll show China they aren’t the only game in
town.” Trevor O’Connor, who’s also camped out for days, shares the
sentiment. “I support my country. And if I have to take a second
mortgage out on my house to do it, so be it.”

Contrary To Bosses Opinion, Worker Is
Not Just A Worthless Piece Of Crap

Springfield, MI--Even though executive
director Joe Deldotto swears by it and utters it every chance he
gets, his much maligned assistant Adam Jacobson is in fact more
than just a worthless piece of crap. “Worthless is too harsh,”
colleague Fred Walter’s declares. “Lousy is more like it.” Fellow
manager Steve Franklin adds “and piece of crap isn’t the right
phrase. Try ‘good for nothing.’” Jacobson was quick to jump to his
defense though. “Hey. I have a girlfriend, a nice place to live,
and a half decent car. Besides, this is just a money job to me.”
But Walters isn’t buying it. “Jacobson’s just talking out of his
ass.” Franklin concurs. “What are you listening to Jacobson for?
He’s just a lousy good for nothing.”