Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody (18 page)

From: Earl Grey
Subject: Have a Nice Life
Date: June 6 8:39 AM
To: Anna Steal

Dear Miss Steal—

It’s been a week since you left me, and I still cannot get over the heartache. You saw me at my most sadistic and most embarrassing, and, as I predicted, I’m one shame too screwed up for you. If we can’t be together, what do I have to live for? A lifetime of buying anything and everything I want with my vast fortune? None of it matters. The only thing I want is you.

Oh, and the latest Apple products. So I guess I want two things in life: you, and the latest Apple products.

And a Guns N’ Roses reunion album. So, that’s three things: you, the latest Apple products, and a Guns N’ Roses reunion album.

No, take off the one about Guns N’ Roses. Their last few records together were just okay, and Axl and Slash’s solo projects have been Crap City, where the hooks are gone and the licks are shitty. I think that was just nostalgia talking. So, the only things I want in life are you and the latest Apple products.

Earl Grey

CEO, The Earl Grey Corporation

I tap out a response to him: 

From: Anna Steal
Subject: RE: Have a Nice Life
Date: June 6 9:56 PM
To: Earl Grey

Mr. Grey—

I touched myself today for the first time. I thought of you. I thought of us . . .

It’s a crazy world we live in. This world is fifty times more screwed up than you will ever be. Don’t do anything stupid. If we’re meant to be together, it will happen. If it’s not meant to be, then can either of us blame the other?

Anna

P.S. I’m preggers.

Immediately after I tap “send,” there’s a knock at the window. I set the iPad down, cross the room, and throw open the curtains. Instead of Earl Grey, it’s Jin.

“Can I come in?” he says, his voice muffled through the glass. He’s wearing tight cutoff jean shorts and seems to have lost his shirt. His muscles ripple in the moonlight.
Oh my.

Chapter Twenty-eight

I
OPEN THE GLASS WINDOW, but that still leaves the screen. Jin waits at my window ledge patiently, standing on a ladder that he’s leaned up against our house so he can reach my second-floor window. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to open it, the screen is stuck.

“Can you use the door?” I ask him.

He mutters something under his breath and backs down the ladder. Thirty seconds later, I hear him coming up the steps inside the house. I unlock the bedroom door and greet him with an awkward hug.

“Hey, you,” I say.

“Hey, you too,” Jin says.

We sit down on the bed at arm’s length from each other. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea—my relationship with Earl Grey might be on shaky ground, but it doesn’t mean my sperm bank is accepting donations.

“I heard you were back in town,” Jin says.

“You heard correctly,” I say.

“I saw the accident on the news. Kathleen and I thought you were dead for sure.”

“I’m not,” I say.

“Obvs,” Jin says.

“So you did hear about the crash, then. I was beginning to wonder . . .”

“You were beginning to wonder? Why? Because we didn’t visit you when you were in the hospital? I tried to, believe me. The security was so tight there because of that celebrity doctor treating you that they were only letting in immediate family to see you.”

And Earl Grey,
my inner guidette whispers. “How are things going with your bronies?”

“I wasn’t sure how they would react after I succumbed to my anger at Eclipse and fought with your boyfriend, but they’ve been incredibly cool and supportive. I’ve learned that every brony struggles with feelings like anger. It’s incredibly helpful to talk through those feelings with my bronies.”

“And your forum moderator job at PonyExpression .net?”

“It’s all good. It’s the best job I’ve ever had—and since I have a million dollars now, I don’t have to worry about getting some boring ‛real’ job. I’ve even got a small Australian vanity press interested in publishing my pony fan fiction.” “That’s fantastic, Jin. I always believed in you,” I say. “How are your testicles?”

“The one I have left is fine,” he says.

The tone of his voice makes it sound like a sore subject, so I quickly change the topic. “How is Kathleen?”

“After she drove us into the Pacific Ocean, she decided to clean herself up. She knew she had a problem for a long time, but that accident was what finally drove her over the edge. So to speak. I dropped her off at an inpatient treatment center. She’ll stay there until she’s thirty days sober and then move to a halfway house, but so far so good.”

“Is she still a B?” I ask.

“Of course. She’s still Kathleen,” Jin says, grinning. “She’d like for you to visit her, though. She wants to know if you’re still planning to move to Seattle with her, or what your plans are. Do you even know?”

“The future is kind of up in the air,” I say. “I applied for a job in Seattle, but who knows if I’ll get it.”

“You’re living her dream, you know,” he says. “Dating a boardroom hottie, hanging out in Seattle . . .”

I shake my head. “She shouldn’t take it so personally.”

“Are you still seeing him?”

“Who?”

“C’mon, Anna. How long have we been friends? Four years? You can tell me anything.”

“I’m not sure if Earl Grey and I are still together or not,” I say. “Things are complicated.”

Jin shakes his head. “Why can’t love be easy?”

“Because nothing good ever comes easily,” I say.

Jin puts a hand on my knee. “I come easily.”

I try to imagine what life would be like if I took him up on his offer. We’ve always been close friends. If we took things to the “next level,” how would our friendship change? I have to admit that our friendship has already changed as a result of Earl Grey, who brought all the sexual tension that had been simmering for years between me and Jin to the surface. And now that tension is simmering in Jin’s cutoff jean shorts. It would be so easy to just lean over, unbutton his shorts, and—

There’s a knock at the door.
Oh no!
Is it Earl Grey?

Nope. My dad opens the door. Jin takes his hand off me.

“Oh, sorry—didn’t know you had company,” my dad says.

“This is Jin,” I say. “He’s a brony.”

Jin shakes my father’s hand.

“This isn’t the feller who landed you in the hospital, is it?”

I shake my head. “No, Dad. That was Earl Grey.”

“You kids grow up so fast,” my dad says. “One minute, you’re watching
Barney
and the
Teletubbies
. The next, you’re being fingered by some brony. You kids have fun. I’m taking a couple of Ambien and hitting the hay. Don’t stay up too late.”

He shuts the door and I’m alone again. With Jin.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “He tends to say really inappropriate things.”

Jin laughs. “Now I see where you get it from.”

Suddenly, Earl Grey emerges from beneath the bed!

Chapter Twenty-nine

H
ELLO, ANNA,” Earl says, dusting himself off. He’s wearing his suit and smiley-face tie again. I remember the tie well . . .

I stand up to distance myself from Jin. “Whatever you think was happening, it wasn’t,” I say.

“What if I think nothing was happening? Does that mean something was happening?” Earl says.

“I’m confused,” I say.

“What else is new?” Jin mutters.

“Don’t worry,” Earl says to me. “Someone’s about to get fingered in this room, and it isn’t you.”

“Did you just threaten to finger me?” Jin says, standing up. His muscles ripple angrily.

Oh no
. Not another fight. Jin will never forgive himself if he lets his anger overtake him again. Plus he only has one testicle left. “Both of you—STOP!” I shout.

They look at me. “Stay out of this, Anna,” they say in unison.

“Jinx,” Earl says.

Jin swears silently under his breath. If he talks now, Earl can hit him. It’s the jinx code.

I shake my head. “Un-jinx him, Earl. Don’t you get it? If you fight each other over me, you both lose.”

“Just tell me one thing, Anna—is the baby mine . . . or his?” Earl says.

Jin looks at me. He is heartbroken. “You have a bun in the oven, Anna?”

Earl raises a fist to hit Jin in the arm for breaking the jinx code. I grab his hand and prevent him from punching Jin. “You know I can’t bake,” I say.

“I was talking about you being knocked up,” Jin says.

“Oh. That. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” I say.

Jin shakes his head. “You’re lying,” he says.

“No,” I say. “I’m carrying Earl’s baby.”

“You’re no better than those pregnant sixteen-year-olds on MTV that Kathleen is obsessed with,” he says.

“Take that back,” I say. “I’m not sixteen. And I would never be on a reality TV show.”

“Sounds kind of funny coming from a girl whose personal physician is Dr. Drew,” Jin says. “Face it, Anna: you’ve changed.”

“Have I? Or have I just grown up?”

Jin frowns. “This isn’t how things are supposed to end. You know it.” He might be upset, but at least his anger seems to have dissipated.

“I’m sorry, Jin,” I say. “Maybe you can fall in love with the baby when he grows up?”

Earl scowls at me.

“Or maybe not,” I say. “Look, the point is, there are plenty of ponies in the sea.”

“Yeah, and they’re called ‛seahorses,’” Jin says, sulking.

“You know what I mean,” I say. “Being a friend sometimes means you have to let your friends go.”

Jin sighs. “You’re right. Instead of being happy for you, I’ve been jealous. I wish I could control my emotions better. If I’ve learned anything, though, it’s that being a brony is a continual journey and not a destination. I’m going to leave now, and I’m not sure when we’ll see each other again. But I sincerely hope you and Earl Grey are happy together.”

“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” I say, opening my arms and embracing Jin in a long hug. I feel his hands creeping down my back and when they’re almost at my butt Earl clears his throat.

“Goodbye, Anna,” Jin says, letting go of me.

“Goodbye, Jin,” I say. “And good luck.”

Jin and Earl stand face-to-face again. Earl taps him playfully on his naked bicep. “That’s for breaking the jinx code,” Earl says.

“Be good to her,” Jin says, extending an open hand.

Earl shakes it. “I will be.”

Jin tries to open the window screen but it won’t budge. “You weren’t kidding about it being stuck,” he says. He walks out the door instead, shutting it behind him.

Earl embraces me. “When I got your e-mail, I was worried about who the father was. I’m just glad the kid won’t have a dad who collects plastic toy ponies.”

“I think Jin is still finding himself. He has his own journey ahead,” I say. “Thank you for not having him brutally murdered or something.”

“I was never too worried that he could take you from me. Remind me later to cancel the hit I put out on him, though,” Earl says, confidently placing a hand on my shoulder. I melt at his touch. My inner guidette spins in circles until she collapses in a dizzy heap.

“I applied for a new job this week,” I say, trying to avoid the baby in the room.

“At Amazon,” he says.

“How did you know? Don’t tell me you bought them too . . .”

Earl laughs. “I already owned them. Don’t worry, though—I won’t interfere with your career.”

“Thanks. That means a lot to me,” I say. “I’ve also been meaning to ask how your mother is.”

“Physically? She’s alive, which is more than you can say about most Walmart greeters,” he says. “Emotionally? We’ve got a long road ahead of us to patch up our relationship.”

There’s an awkward pause. He could very well be talking about
our
relationship.

“I’m sorry I got pregnant,” I say.

Earl gazes into my eyes. “It’s more than likely my own fault, Anna,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when I said my condoms are tailored?” he says.

I nod.

“Here’s the thing,” he continues. “Apparently hemming a condom for a better fit isn’t such a smart idea. The sperm can swim right through the stitched seams.”

“Huh,” I say.

I lay my head on Earl’s chest and immediately start sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

I stare into his gazing gray eyes. “What’s wrong? Don’t you get it? I’m in love with you,” I say. The secret’s out.

Earl Grey’s face lights up with joy. I’ve never seen him so happy, except for maybe when he’s emulating his hero, Tom Cruise.

“I’m in love with you, Earl Grey,” I repeat. “When I ran out of your penthouse, I was confused. I’ve since realized that love is a bumpy ride; every rose has its thorns. I hope you’ll take me back.”

“Of course I will,” he says. “I was worried
you
wouldn’t take
me
back. I should have cut you some slack when you laughed at our role-playing session—at least you’re open to new things. I know what a sadistic prick I can be, Anna. It can’t be easy to deal with the moody Earl Grey, but you seem to handle me better than any woman I’ve been with. You’re not afraid of my fifty shames, and you’ve taught me that I shouldn’t be either. Baby, I was born this way.”

I laugh. “I didn’t know you were a Lady Gaga fan! I love her. It sounds like you and I were meant for each other.”