Fight or Fall (21 page)

Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone can admit to their faults. It took me a while but I’ve come to slowly accept the fact that I have to forgive myself to move on.

Sometimes it takes a Eureka, an a-ha, a light bulb moment to get your head out of your ass and to realize something.

Holding Ava’s hand, I took in her profile as she was explaining to Bee how to apply some sort of makeup, her face animated, lighting up, her eyebrows rising and falling during the conversation, her eyes shifting from gray to silver as they did when she was excited.

Men tend to fall at her feet, people clamor for the words that come out of her mouth - maybe it was because of who her father was, maybe because it was due to the fact that she was as influential, as persuasive, as convincing as him. Whatever it was, she was right here with me, helping me get past one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in during my life.

Her candor, her beauty, her humor, her intelligence – being with her, everything about her, was an adventure I didn’t want to end. She could have anyone she wanted. But she was here with me. Helping me find forgiveness, purging myself out of the guilt that’s been eating at me for months. Helping me reach acceptance on my way to seeking redemption.

She was my absolution.

My Duchess.

My dad used to say about my mom, “Lei è mia...io sono lei.”

She is mine.

I am hers.

Bee and Kieran invited us to stay at their house, but I graciously declined for two reasons.

First, because I didn’t want to intrude with their time. I had a feeling that Kieran, no matter how much he tried to hide it, wanted some alone time with my sister. He had just returned from Omaha and Bee had mentioned that she has been working non-stop so she can have some time off to accompany Kieran for an event being thrown by his sponsor in Texas. It was more than enough that my sister and Kieran forgave me. We all made plans on meeting up in Vegas when they had some time and before we left the restaurant, Bee didn’t want to be let go from my hug. Kieran and Ava stepped to the side while we waited for the valet and gave me and my sister some time alone.

She’d cried again and told me, “I’m happy, Milo. Kieran’s made me very happy. I love him, but no one will or can ever replace you. You’re my brother. Thank you for coming out to see me. I wanted to see you. I knew you were at our house… But I also wanted to give you space. I knew you’d come back. Whatever you did, I believe you did what you thought was the best for me even if it didn’t have the outcome that you were hoping for. You’re the best brother. There’s a piece in my heart that’s reserved for you. I’m the woman I am today largely because of you.”

I got choked up, and if Ava hadn’t come up to my side and leaned against me, I probably would have bawled all over the sidewalk. Instead I replied, “Love you, Bee. Come see me when you have time and call me.” From now on, I would be answering her calls. Just like the way it used to be between us.

Second, I also wanted some time alone with Ava. She was flying out of the country in a week and would be gone for almost ten days.

“Babe, what are you thinking of?” Ava asked, her voice still sleepy from the nap she had just woken up from. She was lying on the king sized bed, the light yellow silk pajamas I had helped her change into because she couldn’t even keep her eyes open, felt soft against my hands. I was lightly massaging her scalp as I laid my back against the brown upholstered headboard. I’d turned the lights low in the room so she could get some sleep.

“Go to sleep, baby,” I gently commanded while continuing to put light pressure with my fingers against her scalp. She seemed to like me rubbing her back or giving her gentle massages. The first time I gave her a massage, I thought my hands were rough against her delicate skin because I saw some marks and indentations that my fingers had left.

I showed her the marks in front of the mirror and she just shrugged. “Nah, those are nothing. You should see the marks I leave when I scratch myself anytime I come in contact with fur. Now continue what you were doing please…” She’d bat her long eyelashes at me along with the wicked, pleading gleam in her eyes and I could do nothing but give her what she wanted.

She lifted her head, her right brow rising, a small pout forming on her mouth. “Come on, tell me why I can hear you breathing in my dreams?”

“What?”

“You’re thinking so hard that your thoughts are penetrating into my subconscious.”

I laughed. “You’re crazy.”

She pulled herself up, her toes pushing against the covers, climbing up so she could situate her head against my naked chest. Ava liked to sleep in pajamas while I slept in my boxers. I preferred her naked but I also wanted her comfortable.

“I’m waiting…”

I breathed in. Before her, I internalized my thoughts and emotions until I could no longer handle them. Then, I’d blow up. With Ava, she liked to talk about feelings and did not hesitate on calling me out when I got out of line. She possessed that innate persuasive quality that made people actually want to talk to her. Or maybe it was just with me.

“I was just thinking that my girlfriend is one sexy woman.”

She smacked me right in the middle of my stomach. The loud tap resounded in the room.

“Ouch!” I groaned in protest.

“Whatever,” she sniggered, her head shaking, her dark hair spread out against my chest. I picked up a few strands and rolled them around my right hand.

“She is!” I repeated. Her flowery, unique Ava scent reached me. She always smelled so good. Even when she was sleeping, I’d often reach for her and inhale her womanly scent and I’d start to get hard.

Her left hand glided down my stomach and I was pretty sure she could see the tenting happening beneath my boxers.

Instead of sliding lower, her hand stilled. “Ow!” She pinched me!

“If you don’t tell me, I’m going to tickle you, pinch you, and I’m keeping my legs closed for business…” She added, “The entire duration of our trip.”

No way. No fucking way.

It’s bad enough that I can’t do anything with her three days out of the month when she had her monthly visitor and when she’s out of town. Now this? I could make her change her mind, but I wasn’t taking any chances.

“Ava…”

“No.” Her voice was firm, followed by a tiny yawn. “So what are you thinking about?”

“I was just thinking how my life has changed. For many years, I’ve dreamt of being an Olympic gold medalist you know?” My voice scratchy, the burn in my chest slowly spreading. “When I was a kid, my dad made me choose, he’d say, ‘Son, you gotta let us know, which one do you love more, swimming, baseball, taekwondo, or soccer?’ My parents were so busy. We didn’t have nannies or anything like that. As much as I wanted to do all of them, I had to pick because it took a lot of time to go from one practice to the next and one event to another. I chose swimming because it was the sport that challenged me the most.”

Her head moved lower and I felt her mouth press a kiss to my rib cage.

“I’m great at baseball, taekwondo, and soccer, but swimming…I was only good at it.” She tilted her head and I glimpsed at her amazing eyes, eyes that made me feel lost and found at the same time. Lost because the way she looked at me; it’s caring, passion, thoughtfulness, and desire all in one. Found because she guides me, helps me make better choices without forcing me, without her knowing it.

I bent my head and gave her a long, slow kiss. A kiss she welcomed with equal parts fervor and languid craving. Sex with Ava was off-the-charts. But it was more than that. It wasn’t just sex. It was the way she gives in to me, demands me, and responds to me. Like her body was made for me. Every time I was inside her, I’d get this feeling that I’d want to be the only man to ever be inside of her, and I would fucking kill anyone else who would want to gain entry.

“You’re distracting me…” she murmured against my lips. “Keeping my legs closed.” She locked her legs together to prove a point.

She detached her mouth from mine, lightly rubbing a fingertip against my lips.

I sat back up, my hand drifting to her arm, rubbing her gently against the silk.

“I’d definitely change the way I handled things with Kieran. I love swimming. But I haven’t swam for months because I don’t feel like I deserve to be doing something that I loved when I’m the one who caused, ah, tainted the sport with my own actions.”

I reached for the small glass of water by the bedside table and drank half the glass. That restaurant must have served some salty shit because I’ve been thirsty since we left the restaurant and checked in at Hotel Movado, one of Arizona’s newest hotel/resorts. I’d picked it because from the information I’d gleaned from Daria, Ava hadn’t been here yet. She looked like she really liked it because she was oohing and aahing at the big-ass chandeliers in the lobby and the overall Arabian nights’ theme of the hotel. If she wasn’t so tired and if it wasn’t so late, I’d have brought her to the balcony so we could view the amazing scenery of the city that the lady at the front desk was drooling about.

“I’ll keep fighting, Ava. I have to. But my heart’s not in it. My heart’s in the water. Fighting brings out the worst in me. It also relieves me of insurmountable anger and pain without having to go to jail for it.”

“Why do you fight then?”

“Because I signed a contract,” I replied evasively.

“What made you sign it?” she prodded, elevating her toes to stretch.

“I’ll show you...one day, I’ll show you,” I stated, fully knowing I will keep that promise. “For now I’m just asking you to understand.”

I knew it hurt her when I fought. She’s told me several times that each punch, each kick that lands on my body hurt her too.

“Does it have anything to do with Dia?” Her voice was sharp, acerbic.

I saw her back stiffen, straighten, and her neck bowed, cocooned closer to my chest.

“Yeah…it does,” I admitted. I made sure that Ava understood that there were no personal feelings or remnants of those for Dia by disinviting Dia from future fight nights and maintaining that business relationship with Dia. E-mails, calls, texts were kept to a minimum unless we were discussing how the additional funds were to be distributed.

After five seconds of silence, she sighed. “Okay. I understand… trying to understand. I just don’t want her around, especially if I’m not there.” She didn’t have to say it out loud, but her gray eyes flared with annoyance and her nose puffed out in disgust the few times she heard me talking on the phone with Dia.

The last thing she’d ever have to worry about was me grazing out to other pastures. Ava was the finest steak, the elusive treasure. I wouldn’t dare fuck it up with my cheating ex or any other woman for that matter. “You have nothing to worry about. She’s in the past. The past for me remains buried in the past.”

She let out a long sigh. “When you’re ready to tell me why, I’m here, okay?”

I ran a hand along her smooth cheek. “I know.”

She burrowed her body closer, tighter against mine and in a matter of minutes, her light, soft snores resonated in the room and after turning the bedside lamp off, I found myself following her lead. Again.

Around two thirty in the morning, as the small alarm clock by the bed showed that I just happened to check with my blurry eyes, I felt her hands drifting lower, her fingers massaging my hardening erection. It only took a few seconds for me to respond to her touch.

In the darkness she pleaded while pulling my boxers down to my legs, “I need you inside me.”

Many nights when Ava slept over, she’d wake me up, wanting to be close, yearning to be connected to me. It was as if even in sleep, she wanted me. In the mornings, I’d find her still sleeping after I’d completed my morning workouts and I’d wake her up with my tongue. It always ended up with me inside her and each time still felt like the first time. The end result was always amazing.

I reached for a condom by the small table and handed it to her. As soon as she had me completely wrapped, I helped her take off her pajamas and pushed her silk panties to the side. She was already slick, wet, slippery, and extremely aroused – it was all evident when she straddled me, taking me to the hilt without any difficulty.

When her gasps became shorter, the hitch in her voice became higher, and when the feeling of my dick being inside her unbearable, overwhelming, and overpowering, I flicked her clit with my finger, rubbing it, stroking it as she let out a prolonged moan.

“Ohhhh…”

She grabbed my left hand and brought it to her breast. I massaged her nipples, lavishing each breast with equal attention and finally, I felt her tighten, clamping inside me. Bringing my hand to her mouth, I pried it open with my thumb. “Suck it, baby…”

She sucked my thumb slowly at first then as my grip on her hip became forceful, fiercer, her teeth bit on my thumb harder. The pressure of her teeth and the suction of her mouth sent me spiraling into bliss, “
Ahhhh, yeah, oh fuck yeah. Baby, you’re so good
.” I couldn’t help the words that came out of me every single time. I felt her inner walls contract, grind, and pulse against my cock and suddenly I couldn’t hold it anymore. I emptied myself inside the condom, her heat enveloping me the whole time.