Fighting Lust: A Deadly Sins Novel (29 page)

Knowing it was too late.

Losing her.

Mourning her.

The two of us met in high school. We’d been assigned as lab partners in chemistry. During our classroom and study time, we created our own chemistry together. We were an unlikely pair. She was shy and I was a high school jock, but I loved her and I loved her well all through high school and into college. I thought she was it for me and I had planned to ask her to marry me.

Her depression was something that was just a part of who she was. She took medicine for it and as long as she stayed on her meds, she was fine. She had moments that were harder than others, and I just loved her through them. She was only ten years old when she came forward about what Dr. Riverton did to her. There was a time when Carrie went to the doctor routinely. She had very bad allergies and received monthly allergy shots, requiring regular check-ins with her doctor. When a nurse actually walked in and witnessed his inappropriate touching, all hell broke loose. I remember her telling me that she was proud of herself for the testimony she gave that put Dr. Riverton into jail.

At first I didn’t understand how such a thing could happen. How did a doctor even get to these children? It turns out he was a pediatrician and he would manipulate the parents into leaving him alone with them. He would say they needed to leave the room for various tests or procedures, or even told them that the child wanted to be a big boy or girl and didn’t want their parent in the room. Upon hindsight, it was disturbing, but it worked.

The matter was dropped as far as Carrie was concerned. It was something that was in her past, and she wanted to move on. She buried it. A few children came forward when she did as well, but their parents didn’t want to put them through the trauma of pressing charges and testifying in court.

Then, a news station got hold of the story because a new victim came forward. The new victim was an author that wrote a book for parents from a victim’s perspective on how to help your child through something so horrendous. The reporter that was covering the story, managed to get the names of the other victims. By this time they were over eighteen, and their names were leaked to the press. Suddenly, Carrie’s photo appeared in newspapers and magazines telling the story without her permission. Her parents got an attorney, and although they agreed to bring charges, the damage was already done. And all of Carrie’s buried emotions came forward and she was hit with post traumatic stress disorder, which ultimately took her life. Those pills didn’t kill her, depression did. It’s deadly and it’s real and when it grabs hold of you, it isn’t something that should be taken lightly.

Carrie couldn’t handle the attention. Couldn’t handle reliving something so vile. Couldn’t handle feeling like the entire world knew this disturbing part of her past. She believed that people were looking at her differently, treating her differently. She became increasingly withdrawn. Depression got its serrated hooks into her and wouldn’t let go. And we all lost a beautiful soul. My only comfort was that she was finally free. Free of the silent deadly killer that sucked her life away.

“Hi, beautiful,” I tell her. “I know I haven’t been here for a long time and I’m sorry. You’re probably so mad at me because I could have at least brought you flowers, huh? Forgive me. And not just for the flowers. Please forgive me for not coming to see you sooner. It’s just… it’s hard. This isn’t how I like to think of you.”

A tear runs down my cheek and I swipe it away. “I have something to tell you. I fell in love. I didn’t think it would ever happen again, in fact, I made pretty damn sure that it couldn’t. No doubt you’ve been disappointed in me if you’ve peeked in on me at all over the last five years. I haven’t exactly been…” I break off finding the words hard to say.

“The truth is, I’ve been a real douche to women. You’d be ashamed of me for that, I know that much. Can you see me at all? I’ve got a crap ton of tattoos now and piercings.” I pull my sleeve up and run my finger across the small angel on the inside of my upper arm. “I even got one for you,” I tell her. “I like them, sure, but I think the real reason I started to get them was to use them as decoration to cover up the real me. I mean, I do look bad ass which is awesome, don’t get me wrong,” I laugh, “But it began as a way to build a new me – to develop a new persona. It fit the image that people assumed I had as a fighter anyway. But then, I met this girl and she didn’t take my shit, and she gave me a chance and likes me, for me. Her name is Tessa, by the way.” I smile, “I think you’d like her.”

Picking up an orange petal from the grass I bring it to my nose and breathe it in. “I’ll spare you the details here, but Tessa used me. She used me the same way I used women, and the sad thing is, it took that to get my attention. And hell, did she ever get my attention. Then, the weirdest thing started happening, I started to become myself again.” I laugh out loud, “I swear it’s like I can hear you asking me if that means I’m still a smart ass. I don’t know that that will ever go away, sorry babe. But, I became… I don’t know… softer again. I started doing things and thinking about things I don’t generally do. I started to want again. I started to care. I started to
feel
. So, I began pursuing this girl who initially wanted nothing to do with me. I think it’s because I recognize myself in her. I knew there was a sadness – a story - there that matched my own and I wanted so much to take it away. To fix her like I couldn’t fix you,” I whisper.

“The thing is, Carrie, I didn’t know. How could I? The woman that I love is the child of the man that killed the woman I first loved. What sick twisted game is this? How is this my life? Can I tell you something else, Carrie? The reason that I left her place tonight is because I am so fucking scared. I am so scared that I’m going to lose Tessa too, that I can’t fix this, fix her. All I can picture is that the monster is going to win and take another person that I love, and I can’t handle that. I can’t go through that again. I can’t lose her too. I barely came out on the other side of losing you.”

Yawning widely, emotional exhaustion overtaking me, I lie down on my back alongside her grave. Staring up into the sky, the stars seem to be sparkling extra bright tonight. I picture Tessa, as if she’s lying down next to me like we were in the park. We’re star gazing, her hand in mine. I turn to look at her and she smiles at me. My eyes take in her sweet face and I try to count her freckles, but it’s impossible, there’s too many. A few tears escape the corners of my eyes, and I let them. I own each one and feel no shame in them. My heart is breaking.

My mind suddenly flashes to the moment I found Carrie again, but this time, as I approach the bed, frantic to make sure she’s okay, hoping she’s just sleeping, when I look at her face it isn’t Carrie I see. It’s Tessa. She’s lying there and I’m helpless to help her too. I fail her too. Closing my eyes to the pain, I whisper, “I’m so scared, Carrie.” My eyes feel heavy and I close them to rest for just a little bit before I leave. I feel emotionally and physically drained.

I’m running. She’s in front of me, just out of my grasp. She’s wearing a long white gown and it flows like water when she moves. I can hear her laughter. It sounds like music and it makes me smile. I want to catch her so I can see the laughter in her eyes too. I run faster, reach out, and take her hand. When she spins around to look at me, she takes my breath away. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so happy, so healthy, and so…free.

“Carrie,” I whisper and my heart aches so much from the sight that I put my hand over my chest as if to ease the hurt.

“She needs you, Ryder.”

“Who needs me?” I ask confused. “Why did you leave me, Carrie? You left me.”

She reaches out and touches my face, “Sometimes when things don’t make sense, it’s because we haven’t seen the bigger picture yet. She’s your bigger picture.”

“But, you and I were supposed to be together,” I tell her in confusion. I feel torn.

“We were. We were together when we were supposed to be. Now, it’s time for you to be there for someone else. You needed our story so that you could start a new chapter with her. She needs you now.”

“Tessa,” I whisper and she nods and smiles a smile so bright and beautiful, it’s blinding.

“Be happy, Ryder. And let your faith be bigger than your fear.”

Jerking awake, I look around forgetting where I am for a minute. Hours must have passed because the sun is rising. Looking toward the east I can see oranges and pinks painting the sky behind the mountains. My dream comes back to me and I look immediately to Carrie’s gravestone. Usually my dreams are fuzzy and broken, but I remember every single second of this dream. It was vivid as if Carrie were really here.

“I don’t know if that was real, or if I manifested it in my mind because it was what I needed and wanted to hear. I don’t think I care either way. It was exactly what I needed. I miss you, Carrie, and I love you. A part of me always will. Thank you for loving me too.”

Leaping to my feet, I run down the hill and to my car as fast as my feet can take me. I need to see Tessa and beg for her to forgive me. She poured her heart out to me, told me the biggest secret she has, and instead of holding her I left her.

Oh god, I left her.

The clock on my dashboard says seven o’clock. I hope I haven’t managed to lose the woman I love in only a few short hours. I won’t blame her for hating me right now, I only hope she’ll give me a chance to explain. To start that new chapter.

When I get to her apartment I pound on the door and I don’t stop. I will be the biggest pain in the ass at this door if that’s what it takes to get her to talk to me. I will camp out here if I have to. It takes a good five minutes before the door opens and Gina glares at me. She’s wearing, a long t-shirt and has a tone of pink things in her hair that look like worms. She’s holding a bat and looks like she’s going to beat me with it.

“What do you want?” she hisses.

“I want to talk to Tessa. Where is she?”

She grips the bat in her hand tighter, “I think you’ve done enough. You need to leave.”

“No. I’m not leaving until I talk to her.”

“She’s finally sleeping, you are not going to wake her up.”

“Gina, please. I freaked out, okay? I need to apologize and beg for forgiveness.”

Her grip loosens, “Keep talking,” she says.

“Look, it’s a long story and I think Tessa deserves to know first, but just know, I love her. I love her, Gina, and I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

She stares at me for a while and I’m still about fifty percent sure she’s going to slam the door in my face, but then she opens it wider. Keeping my eye on her as I squeeze past and come into the apartment, I murmur, “Thank you.”

“If she wants you to leave, you’re leaving.”

“Understood.”

She nods and I turn so I can go to her bedroom. “Hey, Ryder?” Gina calls and I spin around to face her.

“Yeah?”

“I’m not going to be far and I’ve got this,” she waves the bat around and I step back quickly to avoid a slice to my face. “Don’t make me use it.”

When my eyes open, I blink rapidly wondering why they feel so heavy. For a few blissful moments, the events of the night before are forgotten, but then they land on my chest and heart with a palpable thud. Raising my arms over my head, I stretch my body and roll over to the side, tucking my pillow under my head, I consider closing my eyes again and trying to go back to sleep.

“Tessa.”

Jerking and yelping in fear, I sit up, looking in the direction of where I heard my name. “Ryder?” I leap out of bed suddenly wide awake. “What are you doing in my room? How did you get in?”