Fighting Redemption (33 page)

“Christ, you’re not—”

“Kyle!”

“Jesus, Fin. It didn’t help any with you faking a labour thingy just to get ice cream.”

“They’re called contractions.”

“That’s more than I needed to know.”

Her brows flew up with surprise. “I feel sorry for the mother of your future children. It was just the baby kicking.”

Kyle eyed her belly with deep suspicion.

“I promise.”

“It’s not a real promise unless you cross your heart.”

Pressing her lips together, Fin crossed her heart. “Feels like I’m back at school when I’m around you.”

Kyle nodded knowingly. “I make you feel young again. I get that a lot.”

Fin laughed, rubbing her hands over her belly in a gesture that was becoming familiar.

“Can I …” He looked at her before glancing down to where her hands now rested comfortably, hesitating. “Is it okay if I …”

“Sure. Everyone does. Most don’t even ask.”

With gentle hands, Kyle raised the soft cotton of her stretchy tank top and placed both hands over her huge stomach. Fin closed her eyes, shivering at the warm scrape of his palms on her skin. Her heart ached for Ryan and what he was missing.

The baby kicked hard as though understanding her feelings, and Kyle let out a shout. “Holy shit! There’s a real baby in there.”

“Umm … so I’m not going to ask what you thought was in there,” she replied.

Her phone rang from where it sat on the bench in the kitchen, and Kyle removed his hands, yanking her top down haphazardly. He stood up. “I’ll get it for you.”

Pressing the answer button for her, he held it out. She answered absentmindedly as Kyle flopped back down on the couch beside her.

“Fin?”

The air left her lungs in a whoosh. “Ryan?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

Fin burst into tears at the deep, familiar voice. How did she think she could ever get past loving Ryan? Hearing his voice had the entire world fading out, as though nothing existed but him.

The phone was taken from her as tears ran down her face. The more she tried to control them, the faster they fell. She could hear Kyle murmuring softly while his other hand began rubbing her back in warm, soothing circles. Sniffling quietly, she heard Kyle say that maybe Ryan should ring back.

“No!” she blurted out and snatched the phone from Kyle before Ryan could hang up.

Looking at her, he mouthed, “Should I go?”

Fin shook her head. “Stay,” she mouthed back. She had no idea how Ryan would react to her news, and she was scared of being alone right now. Getting up, Fin left Kyle on the couch and went outside. With the phone clutched to her ear, Fin rested her elbows on the railing of the deck and looked up at the stars.

“Sorry. I’m here.”

Ryan leaned against the wall as he rubbed at his brow. He hated hearing her upset and being unable to do anything about it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she replied, sounding anything but. “How are you?”

He wanted to tell her he wasn’t doing so great, that he missed her more than anything. She was the only one he could talk to, the only one who knew him like no one else and still loved him anyway. “Doing okay.” He cleared his throat. “So, I thought you would’ve left by now. When do you go?”

There was a pause. “I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“Not going.”

“Dammit, Fin,” he ground out, his body tense with anger. He’d walked away from her so she could have this opportunity. Ryan tried to rein in his anger. She wasn’t supposed to be pissing it away. “Not going is not an option.”

“Stop,” she whispered. “Don’t be angry. There’s just … something you need to know.”

“What? What in hell could be so damn important for you to give up everything you’ve ever worked for? Tell me because right now I just don’t understand.”

“I’m pregnant.”

Ryan’s heart raced in the deafening silence. “You … you’re having my baby?”

“Yes.”

His anger deflated, rapidly replaced with shock. “You … I’m …”

There was more silence on the other end as he processed the words and realised what they meant. Moving to the other side of the country for a four year research program was hard enough. Doing it alone and pregnant was impossible. How could he have managed in one brief moment to do the one thing he’d tried to avoid from the moment they met?

“I fucked up,” he growled, furious with himself. “Baby,” he whispered thickly. Turning around, he pressed his forehead against the wall as agony tore him in two. “You’ve had to give up your future because I couldn’t keep my fucking hands off you!”

“No!” she cried out. “Don’t. Please. Our whole lives you’ve pushed aside your own feelings to always do what you thought was best for me. You think that if you can give me the future Kassidy never had, then maybe you can forgive yourself for what happened, but it doesn’t work that way. You keep forgetting about yourself. You have to stop doing that, Ryan. Stop fighting what’s in your heart. Maybe if you do, you’ll realise there’s nothing to forgive.”

“There’s everything to forgive! Don’t you see? I keep letting down the people I love. Somehow I keep doing it and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how …” Dragging in a breath, he banged his forehead against the wall.

“Ryan,” Fin said, her voice thick with tears. “You haven’t let me down. You haven’t let anyone down. This baby, our baby, it’s not the future that was planned, but I want this so much. I know it’s a shock, believe me I know, but you’re going to be a daddy in three months and—”

“Three months?” he cut her off. Doing the calculations in his head, he said, “That means your six months pregnant, Fin.”

“I know,” she replied and he could hear the smile in her voice.

“When did you find out?”

“The day you left,” she said softly.

The realisation hit him like a punch to the gut. “You were coming to tell me, weren’t you?”

“Yes. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, or have you hear it through someone else. Ryan ...” She exhaled deeply. “I’m going to be having this baby before you’re home, so telling you this way, there was no other choice.”

“I waited for you,” he whispered, remembering the need to see her one last time before he left. “I kept looking for you until the moment I stepped on the plane.”

“You didn’t tell me when you were leaving.”

“I thought it was best. I didn’t want you upset. Since Jake …” He swallowed, his throat tight. “There’s been so many tears. I hate seeing you upset, and I hate that I can’t do anything about it. I’m so far away and I don’t know what to do.”

“Ryan,” she breathed.

He closed his eyes, wanting her in his arms, so much that he said, “I miss you,” with a tremble in his voice. “Are you okay? I mean … healthy? You and the baby?”

“We’re fine. It’s scary and lonely, but it’s exciting, Ryan, and amazing feeling a life growing inside you. It’s so hard to explain.”

Pain ripped through his chest. Fin was his fucking heart and he’d left her scared and alone. “I’m glad you’re both okay,” he choked out, tears burning his eyes.

“Don’t be upset. Be happy, please? You’re going to be a daddy, Ryan.”

“I’m going to be a daddy,” he repeated, the words yet to sink in.

Fin chuckled softly and his grip tightened on the phone at the sound. “Hang on,” she told him. He heard her say something softly to Kyle before coming back on the phone. “Sorry.”

“I should go.”

“Ryan … I need to know you’re okay.”

“This isn’t about me right now. You need to think of yourself, and our baby.”

“I worry about you.”

Hearing the fear in her voice was killing him. “You don’t need to be doing that, okay? Just … keep in touch. Tell me how you’re doing, how our baby is doing. Be safe.”

“You too, Ryan.”

Hanging up the phone, Ryan slid down the wall, buried his head in his hands and cried.

A light tap came at the door. Ryan looked up, blinking hard. Monty stood in the doorway, freshly showered and rubbing a towel over the back of his head. Ryan grimaced. He needed a shower himself. After a hard day’s training he was covered in dirt and dried sweat.

“You okay?” Monty asked, brows furrowed.

Ryan swiped a hand across his face, and it came away with a layer of grime. “I don’t know.”

Monty tossed the towel in the direction of the desk as he walked into the room. Taking a seat across from where Ryan sat on the floor, Monty rested his elbows on his knees and looked at him. “What’s going on?”

“Fin’s having a baby.” He couldn’t stop the smile that began to spread wide across his face. “I’m going to be a dad.”

Monty’s eyes lit up as he sprang out of the chair. Grabbing Ryan’s hand, he launched him upwards and into a brief, hard hug. “Shit, mate. Congrats.” The smile still on his lips, Monty pulled back and tilted his head in question. “I didn’t realise that you two were … uh …”

“Hell.” Ryan ran fingers through his hair as he started to pace. “We weren’t. It wasn’t planned. She was supposed to be taking on a four year research program in Sydney, but now she’s not.” He stopped and looked Monty in the eye. “I fucked that up for her.”

Monty grabbed Ryan’s bicep when he resumed pacing, and Ryan stilled. “How the fuck do you figure that?”

“Ever since we were little I’ve always protected her. I wanted the best for her. I made sure that nothing, namely me, stood in the way of that, and look how good a job I did of that!”

Monty jabbed his finger towards the chair. “Sit down.”

His stomach in knots, Ryan instinctively followed Monty’s order and sat.

Monty stood in front of him, looking down. “I think you’re lying to yourself.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Ryan’s breathing quickened as he sat back in the chair. “Lying about what?”

“About being scared,” he replied.

“Scared?” Ryan growled, his nostrils flaring dangerously. First it was
he couldn’t forgive himself for Kassidy
and now he was
scared?
Who else was going to take their turn at psychoanalysing him today?

“We’re a team. You know that. We all know that. There’s nothing we don’t know about how each other operates. Our lives depend on that knowledge, on being able to interpret each other’s emotions at a glance. I can see it, Kendall. Just admit it to yourself and maybe you can get over it and move on.”

“That’s bullshit, Monty. You know—”

“I know you need to man the fuck up, Kendall!” Monty shouted, pointing his finger at him in sharp, angry jabs. “Stop being so fucking scared about not being good enough for her. Who the hell did this goddamn number on you anyway?”

Ryan stood up, right in Monty’s face. “I killed my sister!” He dragged in a deep breath, his chest heaving with emotion. “I killed her.”

Monty flinched.

“It was my fault. Kassidy was only five years old when she ran out on the road and got hit by a car. I was supposed to be watching out for her. Fin is so much like her. So much that I want her to have what was taken from my little sister. I want her to have every opportunity. Why is that so damn wrong?” he yelled.

“Because you’re not thinking about what
she
wants.”

“I am! She’s always wanted this!”

“More than she’s wanted you? More than she needs you?” Monty shook his head, disappointment obvious in his eyes. Ryan hated seeing that. “Think about it,” he was told before Monty strode out of the room, the silence he left behind suddenly eerie as it rang loud in his ears.

Shit.
Just …
fucking shit.

Was he really just scared?

No. Of course he wasn’t. Ryan was a goddamn SAS soldier. He was trained to be one of the toughest sonofabitches in the military. He didn’t
do
scared. Scared was for little boys who couldn’t stand up to their fathers—who took the beatings and then cried under the cover of darkness. That wasn’t him. Not anymore.

Standing up, Ryan shrugged the thought off and put the chair back underneath the desk.