Final Score (12 page)

‘Life would be pretty boring if it was.’

She closed her eyes again, as though blocking out everything she was going to have to deal with would just go away if there was nothing but blackness in front of her.

‘You do realise that you’re also taking on my child, and not just me, don’t you?’ she whispered, aware that his fingers were trailing lightly up her legs now, his breath warm on her cheek as he kissed her neck. ‘And you do realise that Rico comes first now. I love you, Jim, but you ceased to be the most important man in my life the second I gave birth to that little boy.’

He stopped what he was doing and Amber opened her eyes.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘What was it like? Giving birth, I mean.’

‘Painful. Next question.’

‘Was Ryan there? Was he with you, when it happened?’

‘Only just… look, do we have to talk about this? I don’t really want to…’

‘Did he see his son come into the world, Amber?’

‘Did you see yours? Were you there when Brandon was born?’

‘You know I wasn’t. And that was a completely different situation. There were no feelings involved, I didn’t love his mom…’

‘But you love your boy.’

‘You’re changing the subject, Amber.’

She reached up and gently touched his cheek, stroking his skin, her eyes staring deep into his. ‘This has nothing to do with
us
, Jim.’

‘You and Ryan, you shared one of the most special experiences two people could ever share. And that kills me, Amber.’

‘Do you regret it? Not being there when Brandon was born?’

He took her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it gently. ‘Now I do, yes. Which is why it hurts even more to know Ryan was there with you when Rico arrived.’

‘It still couldn’t make me love him the way I love you, Jim. Do you understand that? Yes, it was an incredible experience, but I would give up everything I have to have shared that experience with
you
. Not Ryan. Even through the most painful of contractions I wanted
you
there with me. You. Not Rico’s dad. I wanted
you
. The first alarm bell rang that night, Jim, drowning out everything else my head was trying to tell me. It rang out loud and clear; even when I was holding Ryan’s child in my arms, I wanted
you
.’

‘Jesus, Amber, we handled all this so fucking badly.’

‘Oh, baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry…’ She leaned over to gently kiss his tears away, tasting the salt, hating the way all the pain and the hurt still refused to go away.

‘He could have been
my
baby, if we’d just tried that little bit harder.’

She shook her head, her hand still resting against his cheek. ‘Don’t go back there, Jim. Please. Don’t go raking over the past. What happened, happened. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change it. All we can do is try to move forward and deal with all the problems and complications that are going to be thrown at us in the best way we can. And if we love each other, we can do that. We can do that, Jim. Together.’

He threw his head back for a second, and Amber watched as fresh tears fell from his eyes, her heart physically aching as everything he was feeling seemed to flood through into her.

‘I love you so much,’ she whispered, her voice faltering as she watched him almost fall apart in front of her. She’d never seen him like this before; never seen him so vulnerable, so real. But the pressure of keeping up that controlled and slightly harsh front was quite obviously becoming too much now.

He smiled and she wiped away yet more tears, sliding a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him down for another kiss, opening her legs to let him lie between. She needed to feel him close, to feel him against her before she had to let him go. Before he left her to start making the plans that would change their lives, plans that still scared her, but it was all she wanted now. A new life with the only man she could ever let herself love. And this time she wasn’t going to fight it.

‘I am so, so sorry, for everything,’ Jim whispered, his eyes staring deep into hers, and she gasped quietly as she felt him gently push inside her.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she breathed, pulling her legs up around him. ‘None of it. It doesn’t matter.’ Maybe that was a little lie. Some of what had happened mattered a great deal, but right now she meant it. Right now it didn’t mean a thing. All that mattered was that he was with her, beside her, inside her. He loved her. And how badly had she wanted that only a few months ago? How badly had she wanted that, forever?

Arching her back she moved her hips up against his, wrapping her legs around him as he pushed harder, his hands in the small of her back pushing her up towards him, and she cried out as she felt him touch her so deeply it sent the most incredible shivers coursing through her entire body. For over two decades this man had been her life. Her world. Yet only now did she feel he was truly hers.

Chapter Eight

The freezing north-east wind whipped around Amber’s ears and she wished she’d put a hat on. It was December, and the Christmas lights and festive feel filled the city of Newcastle. And she should have been excited. This Christmas she had the baby she’d so badly wanted, and the man she loved beyond anything. Last Christmas she’d had neither. But it wasn’t that simple, was it? Her baby belonged to another man, and she was about to tell him that, this time, she really was taking his son hundreds of miles away to another city, to be with the man he’d fought against for so long.

Walking past Fenwicks, one of the oldest and largest department stores in the centre of the city, she stopped to look at the beautiful Christmas window display the store put on every year. Ever since she’d been a little girl she remembered her mum and dad bringing her here, to see what theme the store would be displaying that year – from traditional to fairytale, she’d always loved standing there with her nose pressed up against the glass, staring in awe at the colours and the moving puppets and the sheer magical feel of everything. And now that she had a child of her own she wanted him to experience that, too. But maybe it wouldn’t be here, in her native north-east. Maybe he’d experience that elsewhere. And anyway, London was full of this kind of thing. There’d be plenty of places to take him over all the future Christmases she’d have with her son.

‘Here. I thought you could do with this.’

She turned to see Ronnie holding out a takeout cup of coffee. ‘Thank you.’ She smiled, taking a much-needed sip.

‘So, it’s all going public today, then.’

Amber stared back at the window, concentrating on a Christmas elf, who was banging a wooden hammer up and down on a bright-red brick. ‘There’s a press conference at 5 o’clock. At Tynebridge.’ She looked at Ronnie. ‘I should have told him sooner, shouldn’t I? Ryan, I mean. I should have told him about this sooner.’

So far only her father and Ronnie knew about Jim’s imminent departure from Newcastle Red Star for his old London club, Endleigh United. Her father wasn’t exactly over the moon at this sudden turn of events, but he also knew there wasn’t much he could do to change Amber’s mind. He just wanted her to be happy, when all was said and done. And Jim made her happy. Simple as that.

‘Ryan Fisher is still unpredictable, Amber. He’s still a loose cannon, no matter how much you think he’s changed. If you’d told him this sooner, there was every chance he’d kick off and the secret would have been out way before now.’

‘I’ve been lying to him, though.’

‘Think of it as sparing him the truth before he needed to know it. And anyway, you could have just let him hear about it at the same time everyone else was going to hear about it.’

‘Oh, yeah, that would work, wouldn’t it?’ She took another sip of coffee, staring back at the window, her eyes now focused on a mechanical Rudolph chewing on a carrot. ‘Maybe if Rico wasn’t involved… maybe then I
would
have left it to the press conference to let him know about it.’ She threw her head back and sighed. ‘Oh, what kind of person does that make me?’

‘Come on, Amber. He’s just going to have to deal with it, isn’t he? And anyway, you’re telling him now, aren’t you?’

She checked her watch. ‘Yeah. I’m telling him now.’

‘Come on. I’ll drop you at his place.’

She slipped her arm through Ronnie’s as they walked away from the crowd that was building outside Fenwicks’ window. ‘I’m scared, Ronnie.’

‘Of what?’

‘Of everything. It just feels as though it’s all out of my control now. When I think back to the way things used to be…’

He slipped his arm around her shoulder and she clung onto his waist as they walked past the imposing Theatre Royal, the cold wind showing no signs of letting up. ‘You’re gonna have to stop thinking in the past now, kiddo. Things have moved on. Your life has changed inextricably over the past couple of years and I…’ He stopped walking and turned to face her. ‘I really want to tell you to stay here, to forget about going with Jim.’

‘Jim’s only going
because
of me, Ronnie. But we need a new start if we have any chance of making it work this time, and that just isn’t going to happen here. It isn’t. That’s why he’s cited conflict of interest in his get-out clause. The whole set-up is so complicated nobody really wants to get involved.’

‘So that’s why it’s all happening so quickly, then.’

‘That’s why it’s all happening so quickly. Jesus, my whole frigging life is so complicated that Newcastle Red Star are quite willing to let the best manager they’ve ever had go without a fight. I’m probably single-handedly killing this club! The fans are just gonna love me.’

‘Okay, okay. Enough of the self-pity. And forget the fans.’ Ronnie sighed, sliding his arm back around her shoulders as they continued walking towards his car. ‘Maybe it
is
time to start thinking about what
you
want. For a change. And before you say anything, I still don’t think Jim Allen is good enough for you.’

‘But you are?’ She couldn’t help smiling as she said that, and Ronnie smiled back, squeezing her shoulders.

‘Yeah. Of course I am. Actually, I’m probably way
too
good for you.’

‘Cheeky sod,’ she laughed, playfully punching his arm.

He stopped as they reached his car, leaning back against it. ‘I’m serious, Amber. He really isn’t good enough for you. And I’m scared history is gonna repeat itself all over again.’

‘It won’t.’ She stuck her hands in her pockets, burying her chin into her scarf as the wind whipped up once more.

‘Because he told you that?’ Ronnie arched a sceptical eyebrow.

‘Because he told me that,’ she repeated. ‘Come on. Take me to Ryan’s and let’s get this over with.’

*

‘You think I
knew
about this?’ Ryan didn’t know what to feel. Everything from anger to upset to a searing pain was clashing together inside him, making his head spin.

‘She hasn’t told you?’

‘Do you think I’d be reacting like this if she’d told me, Max?’

Max sat down on the arm of a nearby chair, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus… I’m sorry, Ryan. I thought you knew. I just wanted to see how you were doing before the press conference makes it all official.’

‘It’s all happening
today
?’ He didn’t know what to do. He seriously didn’t know what to do.

‘Red Star have called a press conference for 5pm, at Tynebridge…’

‘I’m going down there,’ he said, grabbing his jacket from the back of the couch.

‘Hey, hey, calm down. Ryan, calm down!’ Max stood up, grabbing his arm. ‘You’re not going anywhere. Now, I’m sorry you had to hear it like this, but she hasn’t exactly been open with me, either. I only heard about it an hour ago.’

‘
You’re
not the father of her child, Max. A child she is planning to take all the way down to London, away from me, to be brought up by Jim fucking Allen! Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this…’

‘She was talking about moving down to London anyway, Ryan, so this can’t have come as a complete surprise.’

‘She didn’t say anything about shacking back up with
him
, though, did she?’

‘But even
you
said that was on the cards, kiddo.’

‘I didn’t think… I… They’ve planned a whole new life together in a matter of weeks, Max. With
my
son!’

‘Okay. Okay, I understand how much…’

‘You understand nothing. Nothing. I loved her. I loved her so fucking much, and I thought… I thought that when Rico was born… I thought he’d bring us closer.’ He was pacing the floor now, pushing a hand through his hair, backwards and forwards in an almost nervous action.

‘You always knew he was never going to go away, Ryan.’

He stopped pacing for a second and swung around to look at his agent. ‘But maybe I always hoped he would. Somehow. Jesus!’ He slammed himself back against the wall, resuming the repetitive motion of raking his hand through his hair, stopping only when the doorbell echoed through from the hall. He looked out of the window, catching sight of Ronnie’s burnt-orange 4x4 on the driveway. ‘That’s her.’

Max held up his hand, a silent order for Ryan to stay exactly where he was. ‘I’ll get it. And Ryan? Don’t blow this, okay? Don’t start acting like a petulant kid who thinks the world owes him a living.’

‘She’s taking my child away, Max.’

‘She’s doing what she needs to do to be happy. And you’re just going to have to deal with that. I’ll call you later.’

Ryan watched Max walk out into the hall; he heard the front door open and muffled voices before she finally appeared in the doorway. She looked as though she’d been crying, and her dark-red hair was all mussed up and windswept. She was beautiful, and to look at her broke his heart more than he cared to admit.

‘I’m sorry, Ryan. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you before now.’

‘Yeah. You should have.’

She looked down for a second, digging her hands deeper into the pockets of her cream coat. ‘It’s all happened so fast…’

‘No, it hasn’t, Amber. It hasn’t. Because it never
stopped
happening. You and Jim Allen, you never stopped being together, even when you were apart.’