Finals (14 page)

“
Selina, may I borrow your laptop for a moment?”

“
Certainly.”

Perfect, as I assumed Selina was still logged into Facebook, probably reading the latest self-absorbed status updates on the newsfeed. Now it was time for phase two of the plan. Taking a deep breath, I clicked on Facebook Chat to see if my luck would continue. The names popped up on Selina’s friends list and to the right of Harvey Cho’s name was a little green dot.

Many college kids tend to stay on Facebook constantly because missing an IM is more unforgivable than missing class. I imagined Harvey Cho was one of those people.

“
Hiya Harvey :)” I typed, hoping my girlish grammar and punctuation was enough to fool him.

“
Yo gurl, wat up? Been awhile,” Harvey typed back in mere seconds.

Thank God, the creep was online. Now, I prayed baiting Harvey would be as simple as I thought.

“
Not much, just a tad down. Fischer and I broke up a few days ago,” I typed.

“
Sorry gurl. Can I do sumthing to help?”

“
Once we broke up I thought about you, because you always know how to get me giggling lol”

“
I can get u to do
more
than giggle gurl ;)”

Thankfully, Lexie and Selina were too engaged in a discussion about Janice Perkins atrocious new hairdo to notice the sly grin forming on my face. This was effortless. Picking up Harvey Cho was easier than picking up a girl at a bar, not that I had much experience on that front since my game needed drastic improvement. Regardless of my inability to attract a decent broad, I needed to bring in this barracuda before I could worry about my own dating troubles.

“
I have class late tonight, would it be doable to meet on the fourth floor of Franz at say 11:30 this evening?”

“
Wat we gonna do?”

“
You’ll see :)” I typed.

I waited a few seconds before Harvey answered. “K, see ya then ;)”

Hook, line, and sinker – this bitch was mine for the taking. I quickly exited out of Facebook Chat then out of Selina’s account. I typed in my username and password to appear as though I had sent a few vital wall posts to my homies before logging out as well.

We sat there for another hour and a half finishing our coffee drinks while discussing test topics and key terminology. I didn’t contribute as much as normal, since I was contemplating how best to dispose of Harvey Cho. I only had a mere five hours to devise a plan before our meeting on the fourth floor of Franz Hall would commence.

Chapter Thirteen

The popular erectile dysfunction drug known as Viagra has found a home in bingo halls and retirement communities all across the nation. Hell, even NASCAR is promoting the infamous little blue pill, but to my generation, the drug is used solely to help geezers get wood. That’s why when Brent tossed me two sample packs of Viagra a few years back, I wasn’t overcome with immense gratitude.

During our sophomore year in Andrews Hall, Brent found a few websites that allowed consumers to order little samples of completely random shit and have it sent to you for free. Brent ordered Spanish Bibles, flavored condoms,
Dora the Explorer
toothbrushes, “Stop Clubbing Baby Seals” bumper stickers and as previously mentioned drugs for erectile dysfunction. In one semester, he accumulated more useless crap than those crazy cat ladies on TLC’s
Hoarding: Buried Alive
.

At the time, I was the only one in our entourage without a plus one, and the running joke was that I didn’t have a girlfriend because of my flaccid penis. After thanking Scott and Brent for taking an interest in my non-existent sex life, I tossed my Viagra sample packs in one of my desk compartments, totally forgetting about them until this day.

After dropping the girls off at their apartment, I quickly drove home hoping an ingenious idea would soon pop into my head.

Upon entering the house, I found Arthur sound asleep on the couch with an afternoon TBS movie I recognized as
Something’s Gotta Give
playing on our TV. The present scene found dreamy doc, Keanu Reeves, informing the movie’s protagonist, played by Jack Nicholson, about his current heart condition. I feel that Keanu is in his element when he’s dodging bullets and karate chopping bad guys, but at least he was stepping out of his comfort zone with this one. Saying numerous multisyllabic words while pretending to be infatuated with the prehistoric Diane Keaton couldn’t be easy.

As the dialogue continued, Keanu informed the old playboy that the combination of Viagra and nitroglycerin was potentially fatal and a rather humorous scene followed in which Nicholson jerked the IV out of his arm after lying about his Viagra usage.

As the movie continued, I grabbed Arthur’s nearby laptop to see if The One spoke the truth about this drug reaction.

Browsing through various medical sites, I discovered nitroglycerin was known as a vasodilator and was used to treat chronic heart failure and angina. Essentially the drug causes blood vessels to open up so more blood can flow throughout the body. The websites stated that alone nitroglycerin can cause hypotension and a drop in blood pressure, but if taken with Viagra, irreversible hypotension can occur.

Continuing to read about this drug, and the popular brand names, a wonderfully wicked scheme began developing. I realized that if I could somehow locate this drug, I might be able to get away with the perfect crime.

†

Franz Hall was desolate as I rushed up the stairs to the fourth floor, toting my backpack over my shoulder. I was winded by the time I reached the top floor and began walking down the corridor towards the business office. Only the deans and a few counselors from the Pamplin School of Business occupied the fourth floor. Student secretaries helped as well, but since they were mindless peons barely receiving minimum wage, I didn’t consider them staff. Adjacent to the doors of the office sat several plush couches and lounge chairs, an ideal spot to wait if you desperately needed scheduling guidance.

This evening the office was submerged in darkness and the lone student waiting in the lounge was none other than Mr. Harvey Cho and let me tell you, he looked like a complete douche. Harvey sat texting on the couch wearing a shirt, no doubt purchased from The Buckle, which looked like artistic vomit. He was wearing some American Eagle flip-flops that said, “Yes, I know it’s January, but I don’t give a fuck,” along with a flat-billed Dodgers hat that gave off the impression he was a total player.

Harvey looked up when he heard me coming down the hall but looked back at his phone after catching a fast glance. He wasn’t going to be showing me his “O” face so why did my presence matter?

“
Hey Harvey,” I said, trying to sound animated. I’m here to rid you of your pathetic excuse of a life.

“
Sup?” he replied, keeping his head down, as he continued fiddling with his phone.

“
Selina had to go change. I was a major klutz and spilled my coffee all over her skirt. She went back to The Village to change but she said she’d be back momentarily.”

“
Thanks bro, I’m glad she’s got an errand boy.”

He began to smile as he resumed texting, pleased that he had given such a dickish retort. I was somewhat surprised by the blunt insolence but I knew what would get his attention.

“
Selina gave me something to give to you but you can just go fuck yourself now, Cho.”

I turned slowly heading toward the elevator waiting for the pathetic pervert to take my bait.

I was halfway to the elevator before I heard his dismal response. “Yo, hold up, bro. I was only messing. Did Selina really have something for me?”

In the left side pocket of my jacket were Arthur’s biking gloves that I had snatched before leaving the house. I slipped the gloves on before reaching into my right side pocket, collecting the sample of Viagra. Harvey had removed himself from the plush couch and now stood a foot away. Catching his eye, I tossed the sample pack in his direction. He glanced dumbfounded at the package for several seconds until he realized he was holding an erectile dysfunction drug.

“
Is this a fucking joke? I don’t need this shit!” he said angrily.

“
I never said you did,” I replied. “But have you ever tried it out?”

“
I’m not a geezer, bro. I don’t need help getting it up,” Harvey exclaimed, his voice echoing down the empty hallway.

“
Dude, I know. I’m merely asking you if you’ve ever tried it.” I said, trying my best to sound serious.

“
Unlike you, I don’t need help in that area.”

“
Ok, Harvey. I’m attempting to help you out here, but this hostile attitude of yours is not very becoming.”

“
Bro, you’re so gay. Go take this shit yourself so you can go play with another fag’s slop hole,” he said, tossing the sample pack back to me.

This was not going well. I had assumed convincing a sex fiend to take a drug to help his wang might not be too tricky but at this point in the conversation, I was surely mistaken. I needed to try another angle. Maybe if I pretended like I was a high school jock who only cared about banging cheerleaders and skipping class to play
Madden NFL
with my dropout meathead friends, then I would be able to connect with this dipshit.

“
From what I’ve been told that eggroll you got isn’t pleasing anyone, so fine you fucktard, stick it to Selina with that limp dick of yours,” I said, hoping my agonizing ways could persuade him.

“
You haven’t heard the right stories, bro. I rip pussies in half. I beat ‘em like they owe me ten dollars. I beat ‘em like folks in the projects beat their kids. I’m Cho Fo’ Sho, the Asian sensation, and I don’t need this shit to have Selina screaming my name as I stick it to her like I do ‘The Man!’”

No doubt, that line had been rehearsed naked in front of the bathroom mirror a few dozen times. This was my moment to convince Harvey that popping a drug for erectile dysfunction was cooler than owning the latest Apple gadget, and to trick him into doing something so preposterous I needed to come up with a clever line myself.

“
I know it sounds fucking crazy, but you gotta trust me. I mean, Selina and I were trashed at this party last weekend and she saw me macking on this drunk chick so she slips me some of this stuff. I say that same thing as you, ‘I don’t need this crap,’ blah, blah, blah but she was like ‘Trust me, Wayne, you’ll thank me later’ and damn dog, she was right. I had a penis of steel. I was like Iron Man blasting that bitch with my heat seeking missiles and Pepper Potts loved every minute of it. Trust me bro, Houston did not have a problem whatsoever.”

For a few seconds, Harvey stared blankly at me as if I were a geometry problem he was attempting to solve.

“
You’re a freak, bro,” he said, but as
the
words slipped out, they seemed to jest more than insult. The look of disdain had vanished from his face
,
as well as the notion that I was an uppity asshole. Had I really just become a bro that easily?

“
Aston Kutcher isn’t here, man. You’re not on
Punk’d.
You won’t get a stiffy for six hours and have to go to the hospital. I’m telling you dude, try it out once and if you think your hard-on doesn’t need a steroid boast than feel free to tell me off the next time you see me,” I said, once again tossing the sample pack of Viagra in his direction knowing full well I was the last person he’d ever lay eyes on.

Catching the sample pack again, Harvey gave a curt nod before putting the drugs into his back pocket. With the penis pumping pills in his pouch, it was now or never. I had to get him to take the nitroglycerin.

Playing out my role as dim-witted accomplice, I pulled out my phone to look at the time. “Shit, Selina will be here any second, dude,” I said in angst.

Pretending as though Selina were on her way, I ripped off my backpack in a flash as I knelled down to obstruct Harvey’s vision. Unzipping my pack, I grabbed my Tic-Tac container and began to shake it to get the two white pills sitting on top to come out. Arthur’s biking gloves made it difficult to shake out the necessary pills, but I refused to remove them on the off chance my prints would show up on anything. Tic-Tacs seldom tend to cooperate and this was no exception. In one rigorous motion, the two pills came out followed by several orange Tic-Tacs.