Find Big Fat Fanny Fast (6 page)

Tony B was a little confused as to what the proper protocol would be on a first date with a class act like Ann. Most of the bimbos Tony dated in New York City would open their legs wide on a first date, as easy as opening a bottle of beer with a church key. But Ann was different, so Tony B decided to proceed with caution.

They were at the Warwick Drive-In, sitting in Tony B's 1960 black Fleetwood Cadillac convertible, with the top up, watching Anatomy of a Murder starring James Stewart. The Caddy had red leather, bench seats in the front, and Tony B didn't know exactly how far he should slide over to the middle, without giving the impression he was trying to get fresh. So Tony B sat far left in the driver's seat, almost touching the driver's door, not to give the impression he was about to put on any moves.

The speakers at the drive-in were hooked to poles jammed into the ground, with a removable speaker attached to either side of the pole. It was situated so that two cars could share one pole, with each having their own speaker. You removed the speaker from the pole, slid down your window a bit and hooked the speaker onto your window,

After picking up a box of Bob Bon's, a large bucket of popcorn and two sodas at the drive-in refreshment stand, Tony B pulled the Caddy into a parking spot, halfway back from the screen, in the middle of the drive-in. He parked so that the speaker was by Ann's window, so that she could hear the movie more clearly. It was the right thing to do.

Soon after, a small foreign car pulled up on the other side of the pole. The driver removed the other speaker and hooked it onto his window.

Tony B and Ann watched the movie quietly, with nary a word passing between them. Which was kind of strange since they were not in a movie house, where speaking out loud was considered not good decorum. But when Tony B got nervous, he clammed up. Better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing, especially on the first date.

The movie had a decent plot, and Tony B had a soft spot for the killer played by Ben Gazzara, an Italian paisan, born and bred on Manhattan's Lower East Side. In the movie, Gazzara's character is on trial for killing the creep who raped his wife, played by Lee Remick, who looked like the girl sitting next to Tony B.

Ann wore a tight black cashmere sweater, over a black cotton skirt, cut at the knee, and every so often Tony B would peek at her shapely legs from the corner of his eye.

The movie ended and a second feature was about to start. It was called Night of the Giant Leeches. Tony B knew a few two-legged leeches of his own, but as soon as the first scene started, Ann let out a soft moan.

“You like these kind of movies?” Tony B said.

Ann shivered. “No. I actually hate them.”

“Do you want to split?”

“Yes, that would be a good idea.”

Tony B started the car, put it in drive and pulled away from the parking spot, unfortunately before Ann could remove the speaker from her window.

Tony B's Caddy moved barely twenty feet, when he heard, a loud crack and Ann screaming.

Tony B glanced back to his right and saw that he had pulled the speaker pole right out of the ground, and in the process, had snapped the fogged window out of the small foreign car parked next to them, sending shards of glass flying in all directions.

Tony B stepped on the accelerator and yelled to Ann, “Quick, unhook the speaker from the window!”

She did just that, and Tony B screeched a wheelie to the left, swirling up the gravel. He glanced into his rear view mirror and spotted the driver of the foreign car darting out the driver's door, then falling flat on his face. The dope's pants were around his ankles and those not immersed in the Attack of the Giants Leeches, got a clear look at his skinny ass and embarrassing half-a-hardon.

Tony B floored the Caddy, raced out of the Drive-In, sped over the Mt. Peter and didn't stop until he was safely back in Greenwood Lake.

The Warwick Drive-In became the weekly Saturday night date for the two lovebirds. Instead of stopping at the Warwick's Drive-In's refreshment stand, Tony B stocked his car with treats from home, including beer and sometimes scotch, or brandy, which came in handy on the cold winter nights, when Tony B had to keep his car running, the heater on full blast, just to keep them from freezing to death.

As the weeks and months passed, Tony B and Ann sat closer together in the front seat of the Caddy. Showing her the proper respect she deserved, Tony B limited his amorous attempts to no more than kissing and light petting. And an occasional hand exploration of her curvy body.

Starting around the Christmas holidays of 1962, things took a turn for the better. It started with Ann giving him an occasional hand job, because Tony B had convinced her, if she didn't relieve him in some way, he'd get a bad case of “blue balls,” which would render him bent over in terrible pain.

One thing led to another and pretty soon it was time for the main event.

Tony B always carried a rubber in his wallet, just in case. The Saturday before Christmas, while Norman Bates was going Psycho on the screen, and the temperature outside in Warwick was nearing zero, Tony B and Ann, rubber in place, consummated their relationship in the back seat of the Caddy. After the deed was done, Tony B removed the soggy rubber and flung it out the passenger’s side window.

They watched the rest of the movie, and after Norman Bates dressed in his mother's clothes and a scraggly wig, tried to slice up a female motel guest and was thereby sent to the nuthouse, Tony B started the Caddy, left the Warwick Drive-In and headed back to Ann's Greenwood Lake home.

He parked in her driveway, nose of the Caddy facing in.

“Come inside,” Ann said. “My parents bought you a Christmas present.”

Tony B cut the ignition, and he and Ann entered the front door of the O'Reilly residence. The living room was decorated in Early American, with a huge Christmas tree with presents under it propped up by the front bay window.

Ann's mother Betty was radiant as ever. A forty-something fox with roving eyes, especially after she had imbibed a few martinis, which was almost every night. Tony B figured, a woman with a husband like Ryan O'Reilly, had to knock down a few on a regular basis just not to go crazy.

“Oh Tony, so good to see you,” Betty said. She was holding an empty martini glass delicately by her right ear. “Can I get you something to drink?”

Tony B and Ann sat on the couch.

“No thanks, ma'am,” Tony B said, “I'll be going in a few minutes.”

“Oh don't be silly,” Betty said. “I was just about to refill mine, how about a small martini?”

“Could you make it a scotch straight up instead?” Tony B said.

“One scotch, neat, coming up,” Betty said. She turned to Ann. “Anything for you dear?”

“No mom, I'm fine,” Ann said.

Betty did an unsteady about-face and disappeared into the kitchen.

Tony B and Ann sat on the couch, and she snuggled her head on his shoulder.

“Mom's a little tight,” Ann said.

“I'd be tight too, if I woke up next to your father every morning,” Tony B said.

Ann returned with two drinks and handed Tony B the scotch.

“I propose a toast,” Betty said.

She raised her glass. Tony B did the same.

“To you and my daughter,” Betty said.

“Salute',” Tony B said, and he watched in amazement as Betty downed her entire martini in one gigantic gulp.

Ann got up from the couch and went to the Christmas tree. She bent down, extracted a present from the bunch and handed it to Tony B.

“This is from my parents,” Ann said. “I'll give you yours from me on Christmas day.”

Tony B was in the process of ripping off the Christmas wrapping paper, when the front door bolted open and Ryan O'Reilly burst through.

He stared at Tony B with murder in his eyes.

“Come here you!” he said. “You have some explaining to do.”

Tony B stood tall. “What's the problem?”

O'Reilly busted over, grabbed Tony B's arm and squeezed. “Come outside and I'll show you what the problem is.”

He pushed Tony B towards the front door.

Tony B wanted to sucker punch this bastard real bad, but he took a deep breath, then headed out the front door, with O'Reilly and the two females following.

Tony B stood by the driver's door of his Caddy. “Well, what is it?”

O'Reilly strode around the back of the Caddy to the passenger’s side. He motioned to Tony B with his forefinger. “Wrong side of the car. Come over here.”

Tony B obeyed, and when he saw what was making O'Reilly angry, he almost swallowed his tongue.

There it was, the spent rubber Tony B had used at the Warwick Drive-In, frozen stuck on the passenger side of the car, back panel, near the trunk.

Even though it was near zero degrees in Greenwood Lake, Tony B felt sweat running down the back of his neck. “I swear to God, I don't know how it got there,” Tony B said.

Ann rushed around the side of the car. When she saw the rubber, she gasped and to stifle a scream, she held her right hand to her mouth. Betty followed her, but when she saw what all the commotion was about, her mouth formed a tight smile.

O'Reilly's face had now turned beet red and Tony B knew it wasn't from the cold.

“I'm listening,” O'Reilly said.

Tony B took a deep breath. “It must be Skinny Benny, or Richie Ratface. They have a house a few blocks from here. They must have followed me and planted it.”

The veins bulged in O'Reilly's neck. “They planted a used rubber on your car? And who do you think they used the rubber on?”

Tony B forced himself to finger the frozen rubber. “Nah, this is just frozen milk on the rubber. Here, touch it. See for yourself.”

O'Reilly scrunched up his mouth, “Touch it? What are you, some kind of a nut? I'm not going to touch it.”

Betty marched up to the rubber and dipped her forefinger into the frozen goo. She put her finger to her mouth, licked it, smiled and said, “It's milk alright, some kind of sick joke to play on the holy holidays.”

Tony B stared indignantly at O'Reilly. “See, I told you it was milk.”

Without saying other word, Tony B played his act to the hilt. He got into the car, started the engine, backed out of the driveway and sped away, burning rubber (but not that rubber) on the icy street. From that point on, Tony B knew he had an ally in Betty O'Reilly. And he couldn't help but get a little hard at the thought of his girlfriend's mother, licking his frozen come off her forefinger so willingly.

CHAPTER 8

A Slight Mistake

Tony B knew he wanted to make Ann his wife, but then things became a little complicated.

Being the old dog most men were, Tony B still had his
goumadas
in NY City, who he would bang vociferously on the weekdays when he was not in Greenwood Lake. And after the frozen rubber incident, Tony B decided not to have sex with Ann in the Caddy any more. After all, what were they, lowlifes? Getting a hotel room was the right thing to do.

There were a few hotels and motels in the neighboring towns of Warwick and Monroe, and Tony B used almost all of them at one time or another for his trysts with Ann, alternating them, not to fall into a pattern, in case he was being clocked by law enforcement, or God-forbid, by someone who wanted Tony B very dead.

Then after they were finished doing what they were doing, Tony B always made sure he got Ann home at a reasonable time, usually around midnight, so he wouldn't have to run into her drunken, Irish-bastard father, who worked weekend nights delivering the New York Daily News.

O'Reilly's newspaper delivery job usually kept him out until dawn, but sometimes he got home earlier, because he had paid a flunky to do the deliveries, while he hit almost every bar from Lower Manhattan up to Greenwood Lake. By that time, the Irish punk was ready to get rough with his wife, daughter, or anyone else who might get in his way. Tony B knew it was just a matter of time before he would have to flatten the drunken bastard.

One Saturday night, Tony B took Ann home just before midnight. Betty O'Reilly was sitting on the living room couch, watching an old movie on a 21-inch black and white RCA television set. She was balancing a large snifter of brandy in her right hand. Tony B knew it wasn't Remy, Hennessy, or any other of the premium brands. It was her usual; Christian Brothers brandy, a rot gut so vile, the Christian Brothers who produced this stuff should burn forever in the fires of hell. Betty received limited funds from her husband to run the house, so spending money on decent booze was just not in her budget.

“Oh, you kids are home early,” Betty said. She stood up and waved the wretched snifter in front of Tony B's face which immediately curled up his nose hairs. “Care for a bit of brandy?”

“No thank you,” Tony said. “I need to head back to New York City tonight.”

“Oh, I thought you stood up here until Sunday night?” she said.

“I usually do, but something came up and I have to be in the city on Sunday.”

Betty noticed a large, white stain on Tony B's Levi Strauss blue jeans, suspiciously near the zipper. Tony B liked the comfort of jeans when he was in the country, as New Yorkers called Greenwood Lake. In the 4
th
and 6
th
Wards, blue jeans were worn only by plumbers, electricians, handymen and bums.