Find Me (10 page)
It’s obvious with her pattern of weekly sexual partners, her scare of getting close to someone, anyone other than Natalie. Last night
, it was passionate between her and I and I’m positive that it’s not because of my celibacy.
Long after dinner
, everyone called it a night. I decided to take a quick shower. A hot and steamy one to help put my mind at ease and relax my body for sleep. I’m not sure what room Layla chose and I already know what rooms Gage, Zepp, and Jason chose. The ones they’ve already made theirs. I took the room that I always do when I stay here, the one at the completely opposite end of Ryan and Natalie’s. The room closest to the second set of stairs that leads to the kitchen. It was safer that way, when I thought I was in love with Natalie. I didn’t want any chance of hearing them together. Now that isn’t so much of a problem, as it’s the room I’m comfortable with. I also didn’t want to chance anyone hearing me wake up in the middle of the night to a nightmare.
My room is one of the few that isn’t equipped with a bathroom
. Actually, the room next door to mine isn’t either, not that it matters, because it’s probably empty anyway.
I grab my sweats out of the bag I had brought earlier and head into the bathroom just across the way from my room. I knock just in case in the off chance that someone might be in there. No sound, so I open the door and shut it behind me. No need to lock it, because again
, it’s not likely someone would enter.
I strip down and start the water to the shower. When I feel that it’s hot enough
, I jump in. Only after the bathroom is full of steam and my entire body is reddened, because of the temperature of the water, do I get out. I throw on my sweats and open the door to Layla’s hand frozen in mid-knock.
“Oh, sorry
. I was just knocking to see if anyone was in there. My room doesn’t have a bathroom and well, I need to go. I mean, that is if you’re done in here.” She says, rambling nervously.
These are the first words she has spoken to me since this morning.
I can’t allow this awkwardness to go on any longer. We have to live together, for fucks sake.
“Layla, it’s okay. I was leaving anyway, but on another note this whatever it is between us has to stop. I’m not saying let’s pretend what happened didn’t
, but we can’t let it interfere with our lives. We live together. You can’t go around ignoring me every single day just because you’re uncomfortable. It was sex, get over it.”
Okay
, maybe that was a bit dickish. Or maybe a little worse. I guess one would say that I overdid it, that I should have stopped before I went too far. But if there’s anything I have experience in, it’s making up for being a compulsive dick. I begin to apologize, “I’m sor-,” She cuts me off.
“Don’t worry about it
, Liam. Trust me, I knew what I was doing before we did it. I knew that it would be
‘just sex’
. I wasn’t allowing myself to believe otherwise. We know that only one person has any claim on your heart. I’m fine, really I am. I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. I had a lot of other things on my mind. I apologize if you got the impression that it was you.” She says, plastering a smile on her face that doesn’t reach her eyes.
Somehow I think those eyes are going to be the ones to haunt me next. The ones that I might
end up looking back on as yet another regret.
“Anyway, could I get in there?” She asks
, directing her hand behind me.
“Oh
, yeah. Goodnight, I guess then. Have a safe flight tomorrow.”
“Night,” Layla says quietly.
-Johnny Depp
Layla
I wake to someone pounding on the door to the room I’m in. I glance over to the alarm clock that’s yet to go off, because I don’t have to be awake for another fifteen minutes.
“Go away!” I yell.
I was up more than half the night tossing and turning, I couldn’t get comfortable in a bed that wasn’t mine and my mind wouldn’t stop going back to Liam. To what he said.
He meant every single word.
I could see it in his gaze and the way he stood tense
. He was trying to be as nice as possible, getting the hint through to me. He treated me like a regular groupie, which I had expected. And yet, even though I knew what I was doing before I did it, I guess I really didn’t believe that he would react that way after all. I was foolish and naïve.
I hear my door open and feel the bed next to me sink. I feel around for the pillow that’s no longer under my head and toss it over my face.
“I’m sleeping, go away.”
“Lals, I know how slow you are
, so get your ass up and moving.” Natalie says, muffled.
“Can’t you give me a few more minutes?” I plead.
“Get up,” She says, as she yanks the pillow from me, then moves on to the blankets.
I lay there
, unmoving in the bed.
“If I have to grab a cup of ice water
, don’t doubt me, I will.”
I know that she’s not fibbing, she will do it. With that threat
, I sit up.
“It’s way too early
. Tell me again why I am getting up at this hour.”
“You’re getting up
, because we have a plane to catch home, where we will be planning a small intimate wedding and then on to your parents’ house to invite them in person. And I am your best friend, so it’s not like you had a choice in the matter to begin with. So, move it.” She says, demanding.
I start getting dressed,
without haste, though. I’m in no rush to possibly ruin our lifelong friendship, sisterhood. Today is possibly that day, the day that she will learn the truth and that I’ve known all along. That I have kept it from her for years.
“I’m a little nervous about leaving Temperance
. It’s only been a few days. She won’t forget me right?’
“Nat, it’s only a few hours
. She’s not going to forget you. Plus, daddy is home. He’ll be with her, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“It’s just what kind of mother am I, if I am already leaving her?” Natalie asks
, full of self-doubt.
“I would say a mother that’s getting married in just over a few weeks. One who has a matter of hours to plan a wedding to her rock star fiancé?”
“When did you start becoming shallow? She asks playfully.
“Oh, you didn’t know? I’ve always been shallow.” I play back.
Dressed and ready to go, I follow Natalie out of the room and down the stairs into the kitchen. Ryan’s at the stove making what smells like eggs and bacon.
“So
, I see you’ve already got him domesticated, Natalie,” I say, while pulling out a chair, seating myself at the breakfast nook.
“He makes breakfast every morning at six
. Somehow he domesticated himself into waking up early like this. I had no hand in it.” She replies, while pulling a chair up next to me.
Ryan serves us each a plate. We eat and Natalie kisses him and Temperance goodbye. Natalie drives us to the airport
, where we will be boarding a private jet that will fly us into Albany, New York. Very close to home.
The flight passes by quickly, and in comfort.
When we arrive in Albany, there is a car already waiting to drive us to Bolton Landing, where
The Sagamore
is located. The drive on the Northway takes about forty five minutes.
The Sagamore Resort
is located on a small island along Lake George. Its notoriety speaks for itself and guests come from all over the world to stay in this luxury.
Our car pulls up to the main hotel
, where the wedding planner will be meeting us. Natalie exits the car first and I follow suit. As soon as we enter, the bellhop offers to take our coats, as they knew we were expected. A small bitty old lady greets us. Her name is Maggie and apparently she’s the many times renowned wedding planner here.
She leads us to
The Veranda
, a small crumpets and tea like restaurant, and offers us a drink, before sitting down to get to business. Apparently, Natalie already knows what she’s looking for, because the first words out of her mouth are, “Maggie, we won’t be needing a drink. I’m going to make this the fastest wedding you’ve ever planned. I have already looked your pamphlet over and know the services you offer. I want to get married on the island, at dusk, on the waterfront. I want the flowers to be purple lilies. Then I would like the reception to take place on
The Morgan
. My wedding is going to be a small and intimate affair, no more than twenty guests. I would prefer the rooms for the guests and wedding party near each other. The same floor if possible. We will only be staying the night before and the night after. The dinner, I will plan and forward on to you. The wedding cake will be taken care of by me as well.”
“Are you sure? We can accommodate up to five hundred guests
. We also offer the cake to be made here on location. It just seems like your settling for such a small wedding.” Maggie suggests.
“Nope. I’m set with what I want. If you take care of those things for me
, then I will be one very happy bride.”
“Um, okay.” Maggie replies
.
C
learly this is something she hasn’t had to deal with ever.
“Okay then, great. I will be calling you with the rest of the details. If you have any questions
, please give me a call.” With that, Natalie stands and of course I follow her lead.
I wait until we get our jackets back from the coat check before I ask, “If that’s the only reason we came here
, why couldn’t we have done this over the phone?”
“They require either the bride or groom in attendance
, when making the final plans. I thought it would be easier to plan this over the phone too, but I figured we would be stopping by your parents anyway. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.”
The dread hits my stomach like a rock.
I’m dreading the confrontation that is about to ensue. Twenty minutes later, we reach my parents driveway. The house that I grew up in and Natalie later, did as well.
“Did you call them to tell them that we were coming today?” I ask.
“No, I thought it would be better to surprise them, seeing as how we haven’t been home in well over a year.” Natalie says smiling.
She’s always hated someone surprising her
, but loved doing it to someone else. This is a surprise I didn’t want to happen. We slide out of the car to walk up the pathway leading to the front door. I follow behind Natalie. As she reaches out to knock on the door, the door whips open and my mother reaches out to enfold her in her arms.
The perfect welcoming home, and the worst ending to all of the lies.
My mom lets go of Natalie and situates her body sideways, so we can come in. “What a nice surprise!” She exclaims, “Let me go get your father.” She says looking at me.
Again, the fake
stepford wife routine. Happiness all around, that’s forgery. Natalie and I walk into the living room and seat ourselves on the oversized sofa. My stomach is rolling with waves of nausea and my body is anxious to get this out and in the open. To leave here, to find out how Natalie is going to react.
Maybe this was a stupid decision. I should have fought against her wanting to come here, of inviting them. What if she relapses and this sets her back?
My mother enters the room shortly after, “Your father will be down in a minute. So tell me, are you girls in town for a while?” Her kind way of asking what we’re doing there.
I remain mute
, so Natalie answers instead. It should be her place anyway. The only reason I even enter through the door is because of her and it’s her news to share to begin with.
“Well
, I was hoping to share my news with you and pops.” Natalie smiles, saying her nickname for my father.
Something she started when we were kids and my father took to being proud
, because of it. It was a thing she and he had between them.
We sit there awkwardly silent
, neither of us having anything to say, until my father comes down. I can hear the clock ticking on the brick mantle over the fireplace. Every second is one tick and I find myself counting.
Each second that passes by, one of them being the possibility of an end of friendship for Natalie and I. I need that number, the number of ticks that goes by when it is the beginning to the end.
Liam
Today is the first day that Ryan’s been left alone with Temperance, and
he’s a nervous wreck. I know he’s only been a father for a matter of days, but you would think that a baby is some sort of alien concept and it’s impossible to care for.
I woke up about an hour ago to what I thought was Temperance crying
. Turns out, it was the television and Ryan was watching Baby Stories on TLC. It was ‘research’ he claimed. I laughed at him and told him that the best way to get experience is hands on.
That hasn’t gone so well. So far Temperance has had three diapers replaced
, because each one was put on incorrectly and it took three of us just to button up one of the layettes that Nat had her wearing.
I can see myself being a decent uncle, when she’s older of course. Holding her
, I still get nervous. She’s so fragile and small. She smells of formula and warmth. Babies. Who would’ve thought?
The designer for the tuxedos should be here any m
inute. Ryan’s designated me to making sure Jason and Zepp are awake. Gage woke before me, probably to the sound of a baby crying too.
Zepp and Jason’s rooms are next door to one another, diagonal from Ryan and Natalie’s room. I knock on Zepps
’ door first, “Zepp, are you decent?”
No response. So I knock on Jason’s door, “Jace, are you decent?” I hear nothing but silence back.
Fuckers.
I’ve seen them in the nude more times than I can count and even more then I have ever wanted to. Knowing them, they’re lying in bed naked at this moment.
Well, I guess if they didn’t want me to do this then they should have set their alarms. I run through the halls leading to the staircase into the kitchen
. I find an empty pitcher in one of the cupboards and fill it halfway with ice cold water, the other half with actual ice. I use a long handled spoon to stir it up, making sure that the water is as cold as the ice.
How in the hell am I going to pull of icing both of them?
I quickly find another empty pitcher and dump half of my mixture in. The person whose help I need happens to walk into the kitchen, as I finish pouring the water.
“Gage, I need your help. The
y’re still asleep, you game?” I ask smirking. Of course he’s game.
I hand over one of the pi
tchers to him, “You’ve got Zepp.”
He nods his head. We run up the stairs from the kitchen
. As soon as we hit the landing, we make sure to walk quietly. It’s like we switch into commando style. Quietly maneuvering our bodies along the walls and throughout the corridors, I press my back up against the wall right next to Jason’s door, while Gage does the same next to Zepp’s.
I hold my free hand up and slowly draw up one finger
, then two and on three, we open the doors and run in. Sure enough, Jason is in the buff, free of even his sheets. I don’t waste a second hesitating. I toss the pitcher on his genitals. I don’t dump it on his face, because I don’t want him to drown. But I will teach him a lesson about sleeping in the nude when you’re staying at someone’s house as a guest.
Jason sits upright
, as soon as the ice water makes contact and screams in a shrill female sounding voice. I bend over, holding my stomach laughing, not only because of Jason’s reaction, but because I can hear Zepp and Gage’s. I’m pretty sure that Zepp woke in a shock and then reacted immediately with violence. When I’m able to catch my breath, I notice that Jason threw on a pair of jeans.
“You’re an asshole
, man. A clever ass, but one nonetheless.” He says, while smiling respectively. Seeing as how this play is one from his books.
“I had to wake you up. The person should be here soon that’s going to fit us for the tuxes. In my defense
, I did attempt waking you up by knocking. It’s not my fault you didn’t answer. Also, Zepp got the same.”
“I’m sure you tried very hard to wake me up, you know by pounding on the door numerous times and yelling my name
, before you decided to wake me by this route,” Jason says. He knows me all too well. Then he adds in, “whomever got Zepp, most likely got it worse.” He knows Zepp well also.
After they finally get dressed
, Zepp and Jason meet Ryan, Gage, and I in the great room, where the designer of said tuxes for the wedding is sitting up his station.
The male doing this has brought a suitcase of needles, thread and measuring tape
, added in with pencils and sheets of paper that already have a design for a tuxedo drawn. He carries in a three by two foot circular platform. Where he insists we stand before one another in nothing but our briefs, or in some cases, nothing at all. Ryan and I are apparently the only ones who believe in wearing some kind of material between your balls and your jeans.
The designer spends about an hour on each of us, measuring every limb, the inseams and width of every limb as well
, before he calls it quits and decides he has enough measurements to make us all tuxedos that will fit like a mold to our forms.
When all is said and done
, the girls are expected to be back within a few hours, nearing dinner time. Ryan insists on each of us helping him make dinner and care for the princess.
As a group we make the most effective decision regarding dinner, make something easy.
Something not one of us could end up fucking up. The result is macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up and tossed throughout. You’re never too old to enjoy this kind of dinner.
The easier of the two was watching princess
. We took turns carrying the handheld baby monitor and checking on her. It was Gage’s turn when Ryan decided to sneak out for a quick smoke and I chose to follow him.
He flicks his lighter
, sending flame to his cigarette, when I ask the question that I had been holding back until we could get a moment alone. Something that had been on my mind since he and I had talked last night.
“Will you help me?”
“Help you with what? I mean, you know I would help you with anything, but what’s this about?” He asks seriously.
“What you said last night
. It’s been running through my mind all day. You know better than anyone that I have tried everything under the sun to move past my past. You’re the only one that I have spoken a word to about my past. I was thinking maybe I should seek out a professional. Maybe they can help. Maybe they’ll succeed, where I’ve failed.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“I don’t know, maybe help me find someone. I sound like an emotional female with this, asking for help when I’m a grown ass man. I’m just sick of living like this, unhappy, when I have every reason to be happy and grateful for everything that I have done and what I have.”
“I don’t think you’re b
eing overly emotional, Liam. You’re being human. Sometimes we have so much shit in our past that it’s impossible to move forward without the help from another.”
“I know, it’s just not normal for me to go about asking for help,” I hang my head, “and I’m lonely
. I see you with this family and how much it’s helped you. Just finding Natalie has lifted you up. Maybe I can be fortunate enough to find someone who does that for me too.”
“You’ll find someone
. First things first, though. Help from a professional.”
