Find Me in Manhattan (Finding #3) (19 page)

BOOK: Find Me in Manhattan (Finding #3)
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He closed his eyes, and his forehead dropped to rest on mine. “I thought I was crazy for feeling what I do for you. I may not have the words like you, but you should know that you mean something to me, something significant. I certainly haven’t figured it all out yet, but I know I need you in my life.” The water continued to run over us, leaving us standing in our most vulnerable state surrounded by only steam and the silence. We had already said what we needed to say. Now we had to face the day. At that moment, I felt like I could take on anything.

Eighteen

Michael

Jameson was admitted to a mental health facility in the city for an involuntary psychiatric hold. He would be there for seventy-two hours at which time he would be facing assault and harassment charges for what he did to Sarah, not to mention Captain Thompson was still gunning for information on the other open cases connected to the bastard. His lawyer was trying to work a deal with the district attorney to have him placed into the Ritz Carlton of loony bins with Dr. Linda Wright instead of a state run facility. The police and DA didn’t really seem on board with that plan. I didn’t care where he was as long as he couldn’t get to Sarah, but I appreciated Captain Thompson keeping us up to date on the progress of the case.

I could tell that she breathed easier with him gone. She threw herself into her work and classes again, and Dr. Wright was suddenly very helpful with her schoolwork. Sarah guessed he felt guilty about forcing them to work on the study or not doing enough when she reported the first assault. I figured he wanted to make sure he had one successful grad student, considering the last one was a huge flop.

It also helped that Seth stopped threatening to tell their father what kind of trouble Sarah found in New York. She was much happier when she wasn’t constantly worried her “daddy was going to show up in a pick-up truck and drive her straight back to the farm.” Her words, not mine, but you should have heard the sweet little accent that came out when she talked about Alabama.

By Christmas, we were a real couple who went on dates and hung out with friends. Jay knew he never had a chance and even told me that he was happy for me when I threatened to kick his ass if he ever pulled shit like that again. Moretti and Phil knew better than to harass me about my relationship with Sarah. Everyone seemed to accept us as we were, and everything was right in the world.

I even started sleeping, really sleeping, next to her at night when I hadn’t had a nightmare in several days. I wasn’t sure if it was only things with Sarah or that I was also building a car from the ground up, which was one of my favorite things to do, but it was like one night I was worried about falling asleep and the next I wasn’t. I wasn’t dumb enough to think they wouldn’t come back, but when Sarah would laugh at one of my lame jokes or smile the second I walked through the door, I’d forget everything but her. She made me feel like the king of the world.

The day before she flew home to Alabama for a few days with her family, I caught her sulking as she traced circles up and down my happy trail, making me insane. “What’s on your mind, beautiful?”

I felt the deep breath she let out across my chest. It certainly didn’t help things for me. “I wish you would come home with me for Christmas. My Aunt Linda would be totally inappropriate with you. My Aunt Rose will bake you anything you could ever want. My mama would be your best friend, and Daddy would sit at the dinner table holding his shotgun.”
See? King of the world. She can’t live without me
.

“While that was quite the sales pitch, I can’t. I haven’t missed Christmas with the guys since we’ve been back. I also have dinner with Joe’s family and his daughters who flirt shamelessly with me.”

Her hand froze. “You would rather go flirt with Joe’s daughters than spend a weekend with me down south?”

I laughed at her indignant pout. “You jealous?”

“No!”

“Sure. You’ve got guilt written all over your pretty face.” She huffed then started climbing out of the bed apparently not in the mood for teasing. “Where are you going? You know I was joking. His daughters are all boring and unattractive. Their attempts at flirting are laughable at best,” I pleaded as she zipped her dress and pulled a long sweater, hiding her beautiful body once again.

“I’m not jealous. I have to go finish my presentation for tomorrow morning. I have a meeting with Dr. Wright beforehand. The graduate student research seminar could help me get the right professors on my dissertation committee.”

By the time she was sliding her feet into her boots, I had realized she was seriously upset. I didn’t know what I said, but she wasn’t about to leave upset. The fact we never fought was one of my favorite things about her. She was usually so easygoing.

I climbed out of the bed and pulled on my boxers before chasing her to the kitchen where she was packing up her laptop. “What are you doing?”

She looked at me like I was stupid. “Going home. I have work to do.”

“Why can’t you work here?”

“I need some space, Michael. I need to go home.”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.” I stopped her. “Talk to me. You’re not leaving to work. You’re leaving because you’re mad, and I don’t know why. I know it’s not about Joe’s daughters, so what’s going on?”

Her head dropped against my chest. “I need to think.”

“About?”

“Everything.”

“Be more specific.”

“Whatever this is between us, it’s temporary, isn’t it? Sure, I feel more for you than I thought I could, but in the long run, what does it matter? I’m just a small-town girl from Alabama, who found herself caught up in the big city.”

“And I’m just a soldier who can’t even get in a car without having a panic attack. What’s your point? I know we’re different. That’s the beauty of New York. We’re all different.”

She didn’t like my answer. Making light of whatever was going on wasn’t helping my case any. “It just seems that everything was easier between us when we thought Jameson could potentially hurt me. Now, I realize that our lives may not entwine the way they should for a serious relationship. And I realize it may be too early to consider this a serious relationship, but I already have serious feelings. I would be heading for serious heartbreak if we continue on this path. After everything I’ve been through…” She didn’t finish that last sentence, but I understood what she meant.

“You’re ending things?” This was coming out of nowhere so you can imagine my shock, and yes, resentment that she was even having these kinds of thoughts when fifteen minutes ago everything between us was perfect.

“No… I don’t know. I told you, I need time to think, to get my head on straight.”

I felt a pain in my chest similar to the beginning of a panic attack. Anger was rising in me, and I was clenching my fists trying to keep it under control. “All this because I don’t want to miss Christmas with my friends, the people who have been my family since I enlisted, since my family gave up on me. I don’t see what the big deal is. ”

“It’s not even about Christmas. I knew you had plans. I just started thinking…What happens when…This has to do…” She shook her head obviously frustrated. “This has to do with the fact that no matter what we want, our lives are so different. I’m tired of temporary. I want someone who will be with me after the dust settles. I don’t want a New York boyfriend, but I’m afraid one day you’re going to tell me that you can’t give me everything and break my heart.”

“I won’t, Sarah. I can’t make promises, but I feel the same about you. You know this, so I don’t understand where this is coming from. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.” I stopped myself from saying more. I already sounded pathetic, but she completely threw me for a loop.

“I’m not saying anything right now, Michael. I told you that I just need time to think. Maybe when I get back things will be clearer. We can revisit this conversation then.”

“I don’t need to revisit anything, Sarah. I know what I want. For the first time ever, I’m in this. You’re the one who needs to decide what you want. I already know I want you. If you want me in Alabama, I’m there. We’ll figure it all out.”

She had tears in her eyes, and it took everything I had not to grab her and hold her until they were gone. “Everything has happened so fast. I keep thinking about what comes next for me. I’m not committed to New York permanently.” There was more that she wasn’t saying, but it was time to take a risk.

“Sarah.” I took her cheeks between my palms. “Go home. Do your thinking. Know that I’m sitting here waiting for you to come back. I’ll be thinking of you every second that you’re gone. When you come to your senses and see that you belong here with me, I’ll be here.”

Then I pressed my lips to hers, reminding her of how great we were together. She opened to me and responded as if it was our last kiss. I didn’t know if it was because she couldn’t stop herself or if it really was goodbye, but I had already bared my soul. I could only hope it didn’t backfire.

 

Sarah

The conversation didn’t go well with Michael. I didn’t even intend to have a conversation with him, but I kept thinking what if he came home with me? Would we take a motorcycle from the airport? Where would we put our luggage? Or would Seth come get me, and Michael follow on a motorcycle? It was a silly thing to worry about, but I couldn’t help it think about all the times we would need a car. This wasn’t the seventeenth century. Cars were part of our life in most places.

He had been so much better lately. Everything had been great up until I had to ruin it with worrying. Michael was actually sleeping at night without taking the pills that he thought I didn’t know about. He would fall asleep next to me, and when I would wake up at night, he’d be there. It was nice, but I knew it was only a matter of time before the night terrors came back. Then what?

And,
oh my God
, what if we had kids? Would he strap the car seat onto the back of his motorcycle? No. We just wouldn’t have children or I would have to be a stay-at-home mom.
No. No. No.
I had worked too hard for my dream career.

The deeper my feelings went, the more I worried. I didn’t have time to sit and stew, though. I had a research presentation at an end of the semester/holiday breakfast highlighting some preliminary results of Dr. Wright’s study. I was presenting two converse case studies regarding treatment. We were hoping to drum up support for continued research in this area as well as help me find the right professors for my dissertation committee. The professors could make the difference between graduating in five years or eight. I worked hard to be on the fast track since I had to delay entry into the program.

I dressed in my best “I’m a professional” dress and headed to school to meet with Dr. Wright before the breakfast. We were sitting in his office, and I was waiting for him to find a pen to sign a form for me even though I tried to give him one from my bag. “Eureka!” he shouted happily as he pulled out his monogrammed fountain pen. He signed the form designating that he was the head of my dissertation committee then sat back in his leather chair. “You know, Sarah, I’m proud of you. In this profession, it can be uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous. You never know how an unstable patient will react. I think you have handled this semester with grace and somehow managed to do well in all of your courses while also completing an impressive number of interviews.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“As a clinician, we have to have an appreciation for people who think differently. We have to be calm in tense situations, and yes, we sometimes have to be able to work with the police who only see in black and white when we know there are many shades of gray out there. At least fifty, right?” He winked.

“Yes, sir,” I giggled then froze a moment later. I was suddenly thinking of how Michael said my life should be called fifty shades of pink and feeling a pang of sadness and regret underneath my still smiling exterior.

Dr. Wright shook his head and let out a high-pitched sigh as he settled back in his chair. “My point is that you handled it like a professional, Miss Grant. I’m proud to have you on my team.”

“Thank you, sir,” I solemnly replied.

He clapped his hands like a sports coach then said, “Let’s go show the stuffy administration why their contract with the VA is worth the measly government funding we get for our grants.”

“I’ll be right down, sir. I just need a moment.” I had to get my nerves under control so I didn’t throw up all over the podium.

His pep talk worked, though. The presentation went perfectly, and everyone, including the school administration, was pleased with our efforts. I walked out of the room knowing that I was on the right career path. If only that feeling applied to other areas of my life. The high I had been feeling deflated when I was sitting on the plane wishing Michael were beside me. All those worries about how we would get our imaginary children from the airport to their grandparents’ house suddenly seemed insignificant. I rested my head against the window of the plane wishing it would be grounded in New York, but before long, we were barreling down the runway.

Christmas was as anti-climactic as they come. Seth greeted me at the airport with a big hug then we spent the rest of the weekend picking on each other. Mama spent the whole time questioning me, making sure I was okay. Daddy kept telling me how much he missed me then asked me to take a look at the books. Aunt Linda asked me about boys while Aunt Rose told me that I needed to eat more. It felt good to be home, but it only made me realize how much I didn’t want to be limited to this life. I didn’t want to be restricted by anything; so, I asked myself if I considered Michael a limitation? The answer suddenly seemed so clear when I closed my eyes and pictured my future. Michael was anything but a limitation. He was inspiration and joy. He was safety and warmth. He was love and, after all, that was all I ever really wanted out of life.

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