Finding Amy (6 page)

“Good.”  He looked at Amy.  “Are you alright with this young lady?”

She pulled her hand from me and clutched the arms of her chair.  “Do you mean that I will have to come here by myself?”

His voice was soft and gentle, yet firm.  “Yes.  I need to get to know you.  I need to know how you feel about yourself, among other things, before I can begin to make recommendations.”

Amy seemed to be having trouble finding her voice.

“She’ll be her.  I promise.”  I answered for her.

“Amy?”  The doctor waited for her to agree.

Finally, in almost a whisper, “I’ll be here.”

“Good.”  He smiled.  “We’ll start tomorrow at this time.”  He stood up and urged us to the door.  He shook my hand and touched Amy’s shoulder.  “Keep a positive attitude and we’ll give it our best efforts.”  He smiled warmly.

“Thanks Doc.  Just make her well for me.  I love her and want her to be happy.”

I couldn’t have been more surprised when Amy took hold of my hand and spoke to the doctor.

“Yes doctor, please help me.  I love him and want to be his wife.”  Just as quickly she dropped my hand and left the office.

The doctor and I exchanged glances before I followed her out to my truck.

We left the doctor’s office feeling quite hopeful about our future and even Amy seemed more relaxed.  I took her to dinner and the movies.  Then back to the motel and our separate beds to begin my sleepless, lonely nights.

*****

We settled in and to friends and family we looked like a normal newly wed couple.  We were as happy as the circumstances would allow.  For the next three weeks, Amy saw the doctor every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I noticed no improvement after each session, but things didn’t get any worse either.

We had rented a nice furnished apartment on the edge of town and I had begun to work out on the ranch everyday with my Dad and brothers.  Mom and Pat were great during this part of my marriage.  They never asked questions and both did everything to make Amy feel loved and welcome at family doings.  Amy spent many of her days out at Phil and Pat’s and said she really liked their two little boys.  But she never let herself completely relax.

Then the Gods saw fit to frown on me once again.  One evening, I walked into the apartment and found my mother-in-law sitting on the sofa.  I had come home early and was going to surprise Amy when she came home from her doctor’s appointment by taking her out to dinner.  Mrs. Harrington and I were respectful, but not friendly, to each other. 

I finally got Amy off by herself.  “Did you go to the doctor today?”

“I couldn’t, Danny.  Mother arrived early this morning and I couldn’t very well leave her alone.”

“Did you know she was coming?”

“No.  It was a complete surprise when she called me from the airport.”

“How long is she going to stay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Find out.  And by the way, she’s not staying here with us.”

“I know.  She has a room at the motel where we stayed and has already rented a car so she won’t be a burden on us.  My father is coming tomorrow.”

“Oh great.”  I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.  “It sounds as though they’re planning a long visit.”

“Please Danny,” her eyes were pleading for understanding.  “I’m their only child.  They said they wanted to be sure I was okay way out here in Texas.”

Her sad eyes got to me.  I pulled her into my arms.  She was stiff, but she didn’t try to move away.  “Okay, but no more missing your doctor appointments.”  I lifted her chin and kissed her forehead.  “Promise?”

“I promise.”  She laid her head against my chest.

I risked another kiss on the top of her head and breathed in the sweet smell of her hair as I ran my hands up and down her arms.  In the last few days, she was responding to my light kisses and caresses.  We didn’t do it too often or too long, as I was afraid of my ability to control my self.  We’d come this far and I didn’t want to screw things up.

This time, however, she slipped out of my arms and cautioned.  “Not now, mother is in the next room.”

I wanted to go back out to the ranch, but knew it was in my best interests to stay close to Amy and keep an eye on the situation around here.  I bit the bullet and tried to be social to Mrs. Harrington, but she didn’t even try to work with me.

We went to dinner at the country club.  Amy and I ate out often anyway, as she wasn’t a very good cook.  We ate our steaks over her mother’s litany of negative observations about our town.  She rarely spoke directly to me, my good fortune, and most of the evening I felt like the invisible man.

On our drive home, I asked Amy if her mother had asked anything about our marriage.  She said no, but I got the feeling that the old bat already knew everything from start to finish which was probably why Amy had missed her doctor appointment.  I knew I had better keep my eyes and ears open while her folks were here.  I could only hope their visit would be short. 

My hope was short lived.  As it turned out, her father had recently been diagnosed with hypertension and digestive ulcers.  His doctor had recommended a six-month rest and recuperation period.  They closed up their Boston house and rented a place here in Sparta.  They settled in for a six-month stay.

Amy went back to the doctor for her next appointment and things seemed to be going smoothly.  Then one afternoon, I called Doc Andrews’s office to see if I could catch Amy.  I wanted to ask her if she would like to have dinner with my brother Tom and his girlfriend that evening.  Jenny said Amy wasn’t there, but that Doctor Andrews wanted to talk with me.  She quickly put me on hold.  Doc was brief.  He sounded busy or distracted and couldn’t talk right then and hung up after asking me to come to his office after five that evening.

I guess I’m a born optimist because I just knew he had good news for me.  Amy had been as affectionate as I could expect lately and I was all set for the good news.  After all, we had been married for over three months at this point.

When I arrived, Jenny showed me into the private office, where to my surprise Doctor Andrews was waiting for me, alone.  No Amy.

He saw me scan the room for her.  “She’s not here, Danny.”

“I just assumed that you wanted to see both of us?”

“I needed to see just you.  Sit down.”  He gestured to the chair I had sat in on our first visit.  The empty chair next to me began to seem ominous.  When I was seated, he asked, “Danny, how do you feel things are going between the two of you?”

“Okay, I guess.  We have our affectionate moments, but we keep it light.”

He nodded.  “I told you that after I had a few sessions with Amy, I would talk to you again.  I imagine you were beginning to wonder what was taking us so long.”

“Well yes, as a matter of fact I was.  But you stressed patience at our first meeting so I just figured you knew best.  You’d let me know when you wanted to see me.”

He smiled sadly.  “Thanks for the confidence.”  His smile faded.  “Danny, Amy and I have talked and talked.  She is one disturbed young lady.  It’s very hard to get her to communicate her inner thoughts and emotions.  I believe she sincerely wants to be helped and I’m convinced that she does loves you.”  I smiled, but Doc held up a hand in caution, as he continued.  “It’s not good news that I’m going to be giving you, son.  She has a wall built around feelings on sex and believe me it is a well cemented wall.”

“Are you telling me there’s no hope?”

“I don’t know, Danny.  We were making some progress and had made a dent in some of her barriers, but then her mother came to town.”

I groaned.

The doctor continued, “That’s your problem as much as anything.”  I nodded.  “I’m convinced that without her, Amy might gradually come around.”

I brightened and sat up straight.  “Doc, that’s the best news I’ve had in months.

Doctor Andrews held his hands up in warning.  “Danny, don’t get too excited by that.  Unfortunately, by gradually, I’m talking in terms of months or possibly years.  As it stands now, every minute she spends with her mother takes us back instead of forward.  She is a very confused child.”

“A child?”  I must have heard him wrong.

“Yes, I said child.  She’s a child with regard to sex.  Her mother has done a real piece of work programming this girl with a terrible fear and distrust of men.  In fact, I think her mother needs psychiatric help desperately.  She is one twisted women with a sick mind when it comes to men and the sex act.”

I sighed.  “You’re not telling me anything I didn’t already suspect.  I always felt that she was weird.  You know cold and all.  But, Doc, you don’t mean that Amy may never be normal do you?”

“I just don’t know.  What I suggest is that you take her to a doctor who specializes in this sort of thing.  I’ve done all I can with her, but I’m just a county doctor.  I think she realizes this too.  She hasn’t been here for our last two appointments and she was very distant and even more uncommunicative in the last few sessions we did have.  I tried to speak with her mother last time she was here, but she was quite cool and they left as fast as they could.”

I began to see red.  I leaned toward the doctor.  “Do you mean her mother has been coming with her to this office?”

“Yes.  Of course she stays out in the waiting room during the sessions, but yes she has been coming with Amy for the past few weeks.”

I stood and walked to the window.  “Damn!  She promised to keep this a secret from her mother.”

The doctor stood up, came to stand beside me and laid his hand on my shoulder.  “Listen to me Danny.  She’ll never be able to keep anything from her mother.  She is completely dominated by the woman.  It’s too bad her father didn’t step in more or should I say at all.”

I left the office in a daze barely hearing the doctor caution me about taking her to a specialist and trying to keep her away from her mother.  I drove to the edge of town and headed toward the ranch.  I needed to talk to my family.  I needed help, advice.  The thought of facing the family hit me hard.  They had tried to get me to take things slower, to think through what I was doing.  I knew they’d be supportive, but I hated to show myself to be such a fool.  I pulled the pickup over and parked.  I need to think before I did anything rash.

Eventually, I headed for a bar out on the highway and downed more than a few beers while my situation kept playing itself out in my increasingly fuzzy mind.  I had been fair.  I had kept my part of the bargain.  She had reneged.  The more I drank, the sorrier I felt for myself.  Here I was married three months or better and I still hadn’t touched my wife.  I had been patient.  Hell, I was tired of being patient.  She was my wife and I intended for her to realize it.  I left the bar and headed home fueled with all my bottled courage and indignation.

*****

Maybe if I could live that day over and do things differently, things might have eventually turned out all right for Amy and I.  But, I’ll never know and I’ve had to live with what I did for all these years.

It was a little after nine when I pulled into the driveway.  I entered the kitchen staggering and swaggering.

“Amy!  Where the hell are you?”

“In here.”  Her voice echoed down the hall from the bedroom.

Perfect, I thought.  I wore a stupid smirk and was trying to form some sarcastic remarks into a coherent train of thought.  The beer was kicking in to bolster my self-pity and bravado.  She was sitting in front of her vanity table with her terry robe pulled lightly about her.  Her back was to me, but I could see her reflection in the mirror.  My heart cried.  She was so goddamn beautiful.

“Danny, where have you been?  I was so worried.  I just finished my bath and you scared me the way you stormed into the house.”  She turned to me.  “I’m glad it was you and not some prowler.  I was just about to call your parents to see if they knew where ...”  The expression on her face was changing from worry to fear.  “What’s wrong with you?  You look so strange.  Are you alright?”

I leaned on the doorjamb and leered.  “Oh yeah, baby.  I’m just fine.  Just fine.  A little stupid maybe, but just fine.”

“Whatever are you talking about?”  She stood up.  “Have you been drinking?  I don’t understand.  You’re scaring me.”

“Am I?  Well, baby, don’t be scared.  I’m not going to act strange anymore.   I’ve been acting strange for the past few months, but not anymore.  No more waiting.  No more lies.”

She was inching away from the table.  “Danny, please.  What are you talking about?”

I staggered toward her, but she stayed out of arms reach as she tried to work her way toward the bedroom door.  I smiled, stepped back, slammed the door shut and leaned against it. “Oh no, baby, not this time.  It’s time you do the right thing by me.”

Her eyes were wide with fear.  “Don’t do this, Danny.  Not while you’re drunk.  Please.”

I staggered toward her and she kept backing away.  “I talked to someone today and found out I’m being taken for a fool?”

“Were you drinking with your brothers, some buddies and they got you thinking … thinking …”

“Thinking what?  Thinking I’ve been cheated.  You’re right.  But my chat was with Doc Andrews.”