Finding Carrie (30 page)

Carrie looked around as the back row got up and started to form a line to the casket. Carrie noted where her bodyguards were. Sasha and Seth were standing to the left of her, and Chuck was standing to the right, but all the way on the other side of the room. She looked over at Isaac’s face. His head was bowed, and he was staring at his hands. Carrie placed her hand in his and put her other arm around him. She leaned into him, placing her head on his shoulder. She was feeling ill herself, but not sick kind of ill, more guilty. Although she couldn’t remember anything that had happened, she wished she had done more. If she had, maybe Hana would be home where she should be, not lying in a casket with everyone saying good-bye.

“I’m sorry. I wish I had done more to protect her,” she said into his neck.

“Carrie, you did what you could. If you had…” He trailed off to shift himself to look at her more face on. He gritted his teeth. “You would be the one in that casket. She wouldn’t have wanted it to be you in there.” He was going to say, “And you know it,” but she wouldn’t.

“I can’t help feeling ill about it. I’m guilty of something,” she said, shaking her head.

“You are not guilty of anything. You had courage to do what you did. I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t live if it was you in that casket. I wouldn’t.” He was serious, but she couldn’t help but smile at his reprimand. It made her happy, the way he was so determined not to lose her. She didn’t want be in that casket, but she did want to know why she felt the way she did.

Soon, it was time for the family to say good-bye. They lined up behind their father. Jack leaned into the coffin and took her hand. He whispered to her, “Hana, I will do my best to mourn the happy times, but it won’t be easy. I will miss you so much. There will never be anyone other than you in my life.” He pulled her hand up and turned it over. He kissed the exact center of her palm, and he closed her fingers. As Carrie watched, she couldn’t see her mother-in-law’s body, but she saw what he did to her hand. Isaac did that for her, she remembered. She tightened her grip on Isaac’s arm.

“Hold that to your heart and remember me when you feel lonely,” Jack said, replacing her closed fist to rest over her heart. “Until we are together again,
Aishite imasu
. I will love you for the rest of my days here without you.” He stood up and stepped aside for Sam to say good-bye to his mother.

“
Aishite imasu
, Mother. Forever, I will miss you,” Sam said and stepped away. Carrie noticed that he wasn’t very good with good-byes, and she couldn’t blame him. If she could only remember, maybe she would be able to say good-bye. Now Lee Lee stood at the casket.

“Mother, I will always think of you as you were.
Aishite imasu
, forever and always.” She blew her a kiss and stepped aside. Sabrina and Sierra went to the casket. At first, Carrie wanted to stop them but retracted her protest and let them say good-bye.

“Good-bye,
Obaasan
. We wish that we had more time with you,” Sabrina said, bringing her hand to her mouth to stop a sob.

“But we will remember you for what you have taught us,” Sierra said. Both girls were crying, their eyes red.

“
Aishite imasu
, forever. We will miss you,” the girls said at the same time and stepped aside for Isaac. Isaac stepped forward, and Carrie didn’t move. He turned back and looked at her.

“You need a private moment with her,” she said, shaking her head. She didn’t want to get closer. Her throat was closing. She just wanted to run. She didn’t want to see what she couldn’t prevent, what she wished she could have prevented. Isaac turned and went to the casket.

“Mother,
Aishite imasu
. I will miss you. I hope you come and see me perform. I will look out and see you sitting in the audience. Forever, Mom, forever.” Isaac stepped back to allow Carrie to step up. They all looked at her. She put both hands up and waved them.

“I can’t. I don’t know her,” she said.

“You don’t remember her, but you know her. She loved you like you were her own. You need to say good-bye, sweetheart. You will regret it if you don’t. I’ll be right here if you need me,” Isaac said with his hand out to her. She took it and stepped close to the casket.

Chapter 26

C
arrie closed her eyes as she stepped forward. She squeezed them so tight that she saw stars behind her eyelids. She reached out with her free hand and grabbed the casket. She took her other hand out of Isaac’s hand and placed that one on the casket as well. Her legs wanted to go out; she had to hold herself up using the casket to lean on.

Carrie opened her eyes slowly, and as her eyes came into focus, she stared down at Hana’s hand that was still placed over her stomach. She had to force herself to shift her gaze up. She saw the hand that Jack had placed over her heart. She had to go farther to look at Hana’s face. She wanted to throw up. She was so ill that she wanted to run, but her body didn’t allow her to move. She was having problems breathing. When she realized that she wasn’t breathing. She had to force herself to start breathing.

When she finally found Hana’s face, everything seemed to stand still. She couldn’t do anything but stare at Hana’s face. She had a strong urge to touch her. Her mouth fell open, and she lifted her hand. It was like slow motion when she lowered her hand slowly toward Hana’s hand that was placed on her stomach. It seemed to take forever for her hand to go down, but she never took her eyes off Hana’s face, not for a second. There were only the two of them in that room, just Hana and Carrie; everything else seemed to drift away.

When Carrie’s hand finally settled over Hana’s hand, she felt an electric surge go up her arm, and then it hit her. A powerful push hit her; her head went back, everything about her life flashed in front of her eyes. Everything from her mother smiling as she did her hair as a child, to the first time she saw Jacob when they were five years old, to when she found out that she was pregnant. She saw the birth of her daughters. She saw the night when Jacob died. She saw her daughter’s first steps, experienced the girls’ first words. The memory of when she became a published writer, then making that movie. As the memories came, it seemed to slow down from when she meet Isaac to when he asked her marry him. She saw the wedding and the girls asking Isaac to adopt them. She saw everything about her life all the way up to that moment.

Isaac watched Carrie as she placed her hand over his mother’s hand. He watched in horror as her head fell back on her shoulders. She was shaking, and he tried to grab her but saw blood was coming out of her eyes, nose, and ears. She was shaking, and when whatever it was that was holding her, let her go, she fell forward and hit her head on the side of the casket, leaving a blood smear behind. He saw her head fly back as she bounced off the casket. Her eyes were wide open as he grabbed her, and she was still shaking. He laid her on the floor. Her eyes went back in her head, and she seized.

“Oh my God, she’s having a seizure! Someone call 911! Hurry!” Isaac held onto Carrie with everything that he had in him. He took his phone out of his pocket and threw it to whoever was near. Lee Lee picked up the phone. “Lee Lee, call Chrissie.” Lee Lee nodded. She was shaking with fright as she went through the contacts to find Chrissie’s name. Isaac held onto his wife’s body as she continued to shake.

As Carrie lay on the floor, she felt someone grab her hand and pull her up. She looked up to see who was holding her hand. She stared up to the face that she loved; it was Hana. “Mom,” she said. Her voice wasn’t quite right. It was distorted.

“Hush now, child,” Hana said with her finger up to her lips. Carrie looked down at her hand. It was slightly transparent. She looked around, and she saw her husband holding on to her body as her body was shaking.

“What’s going on?” This time her voice was perfect, and as she looked down at her hand and it was solid.

“I gave you back your memory,” Hana said with a smile on her face. “I couldn’t stand it anymore, the pain in your eyes and on my son’s face, so I fixed it,” she said, casually shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh, Mom,” she said, running toward Hana. Carrie grabbed the dress Hana was wearing and begged for forgiveness. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get him away. I tried, but he was so strong. He came after me again—” Hana put her hand up to stop her.

“I don’t blame you. I know you did everything you could. You nearly died. I couldn’t let that happen. Isaac would not be happy without you. Nothing bad happened to me; he just held me for a while. Then he put me in the park, and then I died. It is what was meant to happen. It was in the cards.” Carrie stood back up.

“I need you. You can’t go now, not when I have so much to learn,” Carrie said with tears coming out of her eyes. All the while, she could hear Isaac pleading for her life and Lee Lee screaming.

“No, you need Isaac, not me. He will teach you the rest.” Hana’s image fluttered. “I don’t have much time. I need you to relay a message for me. Can you do that?” Hana asked with her chin down.

“Yes, Mother, anything.” Carrie nodded. Her gaze kept going back and forth from Hana to Isaac. She was caught between two worlds, but she wanted to comfort Isaac.

“I want you to tell Jack that I will hold him close to my heart until he is with me.” Hana held up her fist and placed it on her heart. “Always.” She dropped her hand and laid her other hand on Carrie’s shoulder. “Tell Isaac I will be there every night.” Carrie’s tears were falling faster as she stood in front of Hana. “Tell Sam he will never be second to me. Tell Lee Lee that I will never let go no matter what. And, Carrie, don’t let that man ruin your life for anything. Live your life as you are living it. Do you understand, Carrie?” Carrie nodded. “I need you to also tell Lee Lee that she has to take care of Jack. Tell Isaac that when he doesn’t know what path to take, think of me and I will guide him. Tell the girls I love them and I will protect them always.” Carrie nodded again. “I have one more thing. Get Sam to move to New York, okay? His destiny is there. That is very important.”

“Yes, I will. He can live with us if he wants to,” Carrie said, nodding again.

“Now, one more thing. I didn’t come alone.” Hana waved her arm as she stepped back, and a young man stepped out of the shadows. He looked just like he had the night he died. He was wearing his favorite rock star t-shirt and his old faded blue jeans that he almost always had on. He had his head down as he walked toward her. He lifted his head so she could see his blue eyes, the eyes that both her daughters had.

“Jacob,” she sobbed his name. She ran to him and put her arms around him. “Jacob,” she said again, looking at his face. He face was grim as he looked at her. “Jacob?” she asked with confusion as she stepped away. She glanced back down at her convulsing body and Isaac, who was desperately holding on to her.

“Carrie,” Jacob said, reaching up to stroke his thumb down her face. “Don’t worry. I spent a great deal of time trying to get you two together.”

“What?” Carrie asked, tilting her head to the side. He smiled then; it warmed her heart.

“Did you think that you met by chance? Well, honey, you are mistaken,” Jacob said, laughing softly. Carrie glanced at Hana, who was smiling with pleasure and looking toward the floor where Carrie was still having a seizure. “I found him about a year or so before you actually met him; he was at the bookstore. I led him to one of your books, and when he opened the book and saw your picture”—he leaned in like it was a secret—“I whispered, ‘That is your destiny. You need to find her.’” He stood back up straight and smiled with pride to himself. “And he did what I wanted; he found you, but when he decided not to approach you, I turned to you.” He paused and tilted his head to the side and up. “Do you remember when you were watching those book trailers from your favorite author and you had to watch the one with Isaac in it over and over again?” He waited. Carrie looked down to Isaac and then back up to Jacob.

“Yes, I do,” she shook her head. “I couldn’t get him out of my mind, so when it came time, I wanted…” Jacob put his hand up to stop her.

“You wanted him to play in your book trailer for
Undying Love
. Yes, my dear, that was me too.” He smiled again. “So when your manager tried to sabotage your meeting, I had to step in again and let you in on his secret.” He turned to walk away. His image flickered, and he came back. “You ran out, and I knew where you were going so I directed you into that restaurant that day. I fixed you up,” he said, proud of himself.

“So you were the one that wanted us together?” Carrie guessed.

“It was more like you two were made for each other,” Jacob said.

“But what about the girls? You knew that they needed you,” Carrie pleaded.

“They never needed me, Carrie. You did a fine job raising them. Tell Sabrina that I’m very proud of her, and I heard her play. She was amazing,” he said with tears in his eyes. “Amazing isn’t even the word. She’s going to make a fine guitar player someday; not bad at singing either, I might add.” He stood for a second, staring down at Carrie’s body. “Tell Sierra that I will be there to see her play. I can’t wait. She’s going to make a great actress.”

“Yes, you should have been there for them alive so they could have known their father,” Carrie demanded.

“They know me, Carrie. You made sure of that. Besides, I was never their father. That role was for Isaac. It always has been for him,” Jacob said, turning too walked back into the shadows with Hana. “Oh, one more thing, Carrie, and this is very important,” he said, walking back to stand in front of Carrie. “Don’t hold in what happened on that night anymore. You need to tell someone.”